You've met the perfect person - the Dominant to your submissive. But they live in another time zone, across the country, or on another continent. We take a look at how you can make long-distance BDSM work.
Thanks to the online world, we can connect with people from across the world. We can find our kinky soulmate, and they live so far away you wonder if you'll ever meet them in real life. Purely online hookups to deep, meaningful long distance relationships are made from these circumstances every day.
My relationship began after a few blog comments turned to emails. Thankfully, we lived in the same state, but distance is distance. If you can't get to the other person without spending a lot of time or money, it's a long-distance relationship. Add a need for Dominance and submission (D/s) or kink, and a difficult relationship is that much harder.
Things to consider in long-distance BDSM
When you care about the person enough, sacrifices of time, sleep, and money are easy to make. The same is true in kink relationships. Don't let anyone tell you long-distance BDSM isn't possible. You just have to know a few tricks, workarounds, and absolute truths.
A willingness to communicate
Any long-distance BDSM arrangement is going to require a willingness to communicate. But long-distance BDSM requires even more communication than you may realise. You're not just learning each other's likes, dislikes, and habits. You're discovering the most intimate details of each other to make your kink work. Phone calls, text messages, emails, instant messenger, snail mail, and hell, maybe even smoke signals might be required. Get used to talking all the time.
Trust and honesty is crucial in long-distance BDSM
You earn trust by being honest and having integrity. That's just a rule of life. In kink, and especially when navigating long- distance BDSM it's even more important. The wrong information, a white lie, or even a big fat whopper of a lie could lead to someone getting physically hurt.
Additionally, when you can't see each other to watch facial expressions and body language, you only have words to build a trusting relationship. Trust is crucial to being willing to get your kink on with another person.
Doing what you say you'll do
Long-distance BDSM, especially D/s, only works because one person believes the other person is doing what they said they would. If your Dominant tells you to get naked and touch yourself, do it. In my relationship, as a submissive, there were times I got in trouble for a missed task or bad attitude.
My Dominant told me to kneel in the corner for a certain amount of time as punishment. Yes, I could have said I did it and watched TV instead, but that's not how kink should work. I took photos documenting the punishment - the corner, my knees after they were pressed against the carpet, whatever I could to show I'd done what I was told.
Ideas for kink in long distance BDSM relationships
Okay, so maybe you've already got the communication, trust, and integrity part down. You're waiting for me to give you concrete ideas on how to make long-distance BDSM work, practically. Here are some kink ideas straight from my own relationship:
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Masturbate for your partner over the phone. Let them deny or force the orgasms. You might be edged - stopping just before your orgasm. You might have to beg for permission. You may have to keep making yourself orgasm until it's painful.
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Indulge in some outdoor or public masturbation. Not completely public – the bathroom at work, a supply closet, sitting in your car. Either way, you may have your partner send pictures of their body or their wet, sticky hand.
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Wearing an anal plug in public. Picture proof may be needed. Nipple clamps or rope harnesses are possible ideas, too. Anything that can be worn under clothing, so only you and your partner know.
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Bedtime rituals. While my Dominant and I were still in long-distance BDSM, we spoke on the phone every night. Before hanging up, I asked permission to go to bed. Sometimes I was granted an orgasm or several - and sometimes not.
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Spanking yourself, pinching nipples, clothespins on the skin. If you're into pain (giving or receiving), it can be done long distance. Sure, the receiver of the pain has to do it for themselves, but pictures, phone calls, or Skype can make sure the giver gets to revel in it, too.
- Lots and lots of sexting. My Dominant and I played out many a kinky sexual fantasy through text message while we were apart. Dick pics and pussy shots were also common messages we sent back and forth, too.
For those in power exchanges, you can get your kink on by creating/following non-sexual tasks like clothing choices, underwear options (to wear or not to wear, that is the question), what to eat, when to sleep.
If your kink is power and control, you can agree between the two of you where your partner will have/give up control over daily life. With trust and integrity, you don't have to be together to make that work.
Long-distance relationships aren't easy. Long-distance BDSM is even harder. But with a lot of trust and communication and some creative thinking, you can make it work until you're able to be together again.
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on Fetish.com and get in touch!
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Images by torbakhopper and Jonathan Rolande via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license
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