How BDSM Can Help You Find Self-Acceptance

After growing up in a household where sex was shamed, discovering BDSM helped Sienna Saint-Cyr to find self-acceptance and enjoyment when it came to her sexual life. 

Coming to grips with being kinky when you've been raised in a religious or very conservative household isn't easy. When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style or vanilla play, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge.

Yet most of the kinkiest people I know have come from these sorts of family and societal dynamics. Indeed, many find self-acceptance through BDSM.

So, you’re kinky, now what?

You can explore without jumping right in. One thing that helped me — though my fear of exploration came from being abused — was with reading stories and seeing if they turned me on. This meant I explored a lot of topics. Some were more dominant/submissive related, others were about rough sex like trampling or branding, some were about bondage... then there’s fetishes and more unusual kinks… I explored many areas and found that most of them were hot for me in some way or another. Though I didn't always know why they did appeal to me, they just did. 

Feeling lost? BDSM can help you accept the way things are. 

I did a lot of reading of both fiction and non-fiction books. Both are important because as I read the fiction and found it hot, a lot of it wasn't realistic. Therefore, the non-fiction came in to explain how things should really happen, especially in regards to safewords, aftercare, or It was also helpful in figuring out the 'why' portion. The books that helped me most were The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, as well as SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. For fiction, I suggest going to literotica.com, or one of the other free sites, at least in the beginning.

“When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style intercourse, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge.”

Also, take a look at FET’s BDSM Training School, and widen your kinky horizon with BDSM classes and tutorials led by non-risk BDSM experts.

Experimentation and exploration

Once you've explored with reading (and/or movies) and are fairly certain that you want to know more, that’s when I suggest asking around. While some venues can offer introductory courses and demonstrations, I've personally found this avenue riskier in the beginning.

To start with, try an internet search on kink/BDSM 'munches'. Munches are for meeting people and asking questions. No actual scenes take place. Chances are, you’ll find others there that have been raised in similar environments. Once you've met some good and trustworthy people, then find a venue to watch demos. Make use of FET’s own events page to find out what goes on in your area. 

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• What Kink Can Teach Us About Having Fulfilling Relationships
• BDSM and Mental Health: Using Kink to Beat the Blues
• BDSM vs Abuse: Recognizing the Difference

If you take things slowly and gradually lower into kinky waters, you’re going to have an easier time adjusting and backing out if you feel overwhelmed. When we've been taught — or even brainwashed — to believe that enjoying ourselves sexually is sinful or inappropriate, we have to face our shame and guilt eventually. This is why talking to others that have been through similar situations is helpful. Because this kind of shame and guilt is nonsense and serves no purpose other than to make us feel bad.

Open minds lead to self-acceptance

Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel based on the things you read, discuss, and later witness or take part in. Accepting ourselves means we get to experience a level of joy free of the guilt and shame we’d walked around with previously. This isn't limited to our sexual exploration but can also apply to all areas of our lives.

BDSM and self-acceptance go hand in hand.

When we accept our kinky side and find self-acceptance, it means we get to be conscious about our choices rather than have that side sneak out in non-consensual ways. We get to express ourselves without judgement, have better sex, and more fun. 

“Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel.”

The final FET: BDSM for self-acceptance

In my experience, I've found almost everyone is kinky in some way. So, be brave, explore, and experience the joy that comes with accepting and loving who you are! And always remember: listen to yourself, explore, and know that it's OK to change your mind at any time. •

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating.

How has BDSM and kink contributed to your mental well-being? Share your experiences in the fetish.com forum or in the comments below. 

Images: Shutterstock/Gladskikh Tatiana; shutterstock/Rawpixel.com