Sex Without an Erection: How Kink Can Combat Erectile Dysfunction

This men's health month we take a look at erectile dysfunction. Despite the shame surrounding impotence, there are ways BDSM and kink can help combat it and offer ways to enjoy sex without an erection.

What is erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction, also known as impotence, is a common problem for penis-owners. It can affect anyone at any age, and most will experience it at some point or another during their lifetime. Not that you would know, because erectile dysfunction is still a topic shrouded in secrecy and shame. 

While most people think that having erectile dysfunction means that you can't get an erection, that's not always the case. Some people can still get an erection but can't maintain it, or can get partially hard but not hard enough to have penetrative sex. Of course, for some, it can mean they're unable to get an erection at all.
 

There are many causes of erectile dysfunction, but the most common are linked to tiredness, stress, anxiety, alcohol, or feeling unwell. In these cases, erectile dysfunction will usually go away when those issues improve. However, sometimes it can indicate more severe problems like circulation issues, diabetes, depression, and can also result from taking certain medications. If you regularly experience erectile dysfunction, you should see your doctor and ensure there isn't some underlying health issue that needs addressing.

More than penetration: sex without an erection

Having a hard penis is portrayed as what makes a man sexual and is the absolute focus of mainstream heterosexual porn. Even porn that is BDSM- or kink-themed nearly always involves an erect penis at some point or another.

If there's a focus on your sex being about penetration, this can make erection problems worse. Why? Because this pressure can feel very intimidating and only make you feel more like a failure if you cannot perform. 

Dom/sub play is a way of enjoying sex without an erection

Taking the focus away from penetration and exploring other types of sexual pleasure can go a long way to helping overcome erectile problems. Indeed, there are many ways to enjoy sex without an erection. Kink is about way more than erections, and incorporating it into your sex life may even help tackle erectile dysfunction.    

Exploring power dynamics

Dom/sub (D/s) type play can be a great way to take the pressure off from sex when you're the one in control. Telling someone what to do, making them do it, spanking them, tying them up, denying them in some way, etc, is still a sexual and sensual pleasure for you and your partner/s – but not phallic-focused. 
 

Or maybe you're the one who wants to give up control and remove your responsibilities apart from doing whatever your partner/s wishes?

“Taking the focus away from penetration and exploring other types of sexual pleasure can go a long way to helping overcome erectile problems. Indeed, there are many ways to enjoy sex without an erection.”

Your partner/s need to be fully aware that gaining an erection might be a problem for you, but they can then use you in other ways for their pleasure, such as getting you to service them in a way that pleases them. Indeed, D/s type play could well be a new focus for future bedroom activity that will let you enjoy sex without an erection. 

Explore other kinky sensations

You don't need to be into power exchange or D/s to enjoy exploring sensation play. Blindfolds, feathers, ice cubes, and wax play (to name a few) are all fun and sexy ways to experience pleasure and give it to your partner.
 

If your partner/s has a vulva, you can combine all of these and use your fingers to penetrate them if that's something they like and desire. By making them the focus of play, it becomes solely about giving them a pleasurable time. Again, this removes the need to focus on penetration. 

Likewise, when you're the one receiving the pleasure, your partner can focus on exploring your body in other ways that are not focused on your cock. 


Sensation play – such as wax play – can be used 

Don't forget your prostate!

Just because you're having trouble with erections, doesn't mean that you can't still have an orgasm. It's perfectly possible to orgasm without your penis getting fully hard. Stimulating the prostate (which sits about 4cm inside the anus) either with fingers or a prostate massager can lead to intense orgasms that may or may not feature ejaculation. 
 

Prostate play can make a feature of a D/s relationship if your partner/s enjoys pegging you or by choosing to use a form of sensation play to explore together. Stimulating the prostate might also help you achieve an erection, so a vibrating butt plug might also be a sex toy worth experimenting with.

Using sex toys

Talking of sex toys, they're helpful when it comes to getting your kink on and refocusing your pleasure away from penetration. Buying a powerful vibrator with which you can edge your partner and give them multiple intense orgasms will leave them feeling satiated. If they enjoy penetration, you can have fun shopping for dildos that you can use on them. 

“If you or a partner are dealing with impotence and finding it hard to enjoy sex without an erection, the most important thing is to refocus your definition of sex. Sex and pleasure is much more than just a penis in the vagina or arse/mouth.”

Furthermore, there are quite a few toys on the market designed for use with a flaccid penis that focus on vibration sensations for both/all of those involved in the play. There's also some evidence that vibrations can actually help to combat erectile dysfunction and help bring about an erection. So, using a strong vibrator on your penis or having your partner do it as part of a kink scene is another aspect of play that's worth exploring.

Refocus your definition of sex

If you or a partner are dealing with impotence and finding it hard to enjoy sex without an erection, the most important thing is to refocus your definition of sex. Sex and pleasure is much more than just a penis in the vagina or arse/mouth. 
 

Kink play, whether that's a part of a power exchange dynamic or BDSM kink play you enjoy, can help you find pleasure and intimacy from a variety of different things. If you expand the definition of what sex is to something way more expansive than penetration, you can make the lack of an erection no longer the focal point.  •

Has kink helped you combat erectile dysfunction? Share your experiences with others in the comments below. Not a member? Join our kinky family! 
 

Images shutterstock/Edw, shutterstock/Sorbis