Molly’s BDSM Tips | Should a Dominant Dictate to their Sub?

Does being in a D/s relationship allow a Dominant to prohibit certain things for their sub? While the answer may seem straightforward enough, our BDSM advice columnist Molly gives some sage advice to one Dominant seeking to exert more control over their sub.

Dear Molly,
Do you think that a Dominant partner within a D/s relationship may or even should stop the submissive from smoking? Also, what about when it comes to the sub eating sweets or food that is bad for them if they're overweight; should the Dominant prohibit them from eating those things and take control of their diet?
JKXYZ.

Dear JKXYZ,
On the surface, it seems like the answer is obvious, that the Dominant should impose rules on the submissive that helps them to make healthy choices for their body. But actually, the answer is more complex than that because this is not a parent-child relationship, but one that involves two adults who have to agree on the details of what they want their D/s relationship to include.

D/s is a partnership - not a dictatorship

Everyone involved in a Dom/sub relationship needs to establish and agree on consent - not just the general concept of it but the finer details too. How you negotiate that consent will vary from person to person. Still, the foundation of any D/s relationship is to ensure that both parties understand what they agree to, and that it's open to discussion on an ongoing basis.

In a D/s relationship, it's up to both parties to discuss and decide what kind of things are included or not. It's not just up to the Dominant to decide, and consent is crucial. To help keep both parties safe, I would also advocate the use of a safeword during play to communicate that whatever is happening needs to stop.

Negotiating BDSM boundaries

Negotiating boundaries form part of a healthy and successful D/s relationship. Both Dominant and submissive should think about the things they'd like to explore or include (or not) within that dynamic. For example, some people decide that money and finances are not something the Dominant gets ultimate control over. Both parties should negotiate imposing rules about diet and smoking. Both need to agree on what they're comfortable doing.

If you have that conversation with your submissive and they'd like you to impose those rules, then you have their consent to do so. If your sub is not comfortable with that, then you don't.

What does the submissive want?

Although you may believe the choices your sub makes are bad for them, they're an adult, and if they're comfortable with this, you need to learn to respect it. If your sub smoking is a deal-breaker for you, then that's something you need to discuss and make clear as ultimately you can't impose your rule onto them unless they consent to it. If your submissive is asking for help with their diet or their smoking, then that's something you should discuss and then set up a plan.

However, from your question, I suspect that your sub is probably happy with their weight and their smoking. In which case, you need to have an honest conversation about your feelings so that you can decide together, but using your D/s relationship to make rules around areas your sub has not consented to - is not OK.

Communication is key

As with so many aspects of D/s relationships, open and honest communication is the key to a happy and successful partnership. Despite you being the Dominant and them the submissive - it's still a partnership at the end of the day. Talking honestly and listening to the other person is vitally important, as is making a plan that works for you both.
Good luck!
Molly x