Molly's BDSM Tips | How do I go about finding a Domme date?

It's good to flag up your fetishes when looking for a kinky relationship, but you also need to showcase your whole identity – and look for the same in others. This month our BDSM advice guru Molly has some tips for a single guy struggling to find his first-time Domme...
 

Dear Molly, 
I’ve known for a long time that I would like to be in a female-led relationship. I guess that makes me a submissive man. I’m currently single, having gotten divorced a year ago. I’m just starting to dip my toes back into dating with the view to perhaps finding a partner – maybe even love – but I know that I want that person to be the dominant to my sub. I've tried some vanilla apps and also looked on kink sites but am finding it quite frustrating. Do you have any ideas of how I might be able to find a Domme date?
Mr. Dateless
 

Dear Mr. Dateless,

Sorry to hear about the divorce but I’m glad you seem to be open to finding something new and seem fairly clear about what that could be, although I’m wondering if that might be part of the problem, but we’ll come on to that in a bit. Dating can be fun and exciting, but it can also be a frustrating time if it starts to feel like what you want doesn’t exist. So, how do you go about finding yourself the perfect Domme date?
 

Kinky dating

There are quite a few dating apps – like our very own FET – that cater to kinky dating or to those of us who are looking for something a little less vanilla. Obviously lots of them want you to pay in order to get the best out of them, but if you paid for every single one you might not have much left for any of the actual dates! My advice is to ask around within the kink community to see which ones people have had success with. Some of them are country-based and so are popular in, say, the UK or Europe but not so much in the USA, so make sure any recommendations take that into account. 

As well as dating apps there are obviously other kinky sites like our very own Fetish.com that have kinky forums and lots of users. It’s totally possible to find someone through a site like this. Be active on the forums, talk to people, and show that you’re an authentic person who has more to him than just being a submissive man. 

When you contact people, my advice is always to indulge in a getting-to-know-you type conversation. No matter what someone’s kink identity is, they want to be treated as a complete person, not just a Domme, so take time to show an interest in them and don’t expect them to ‘perform’ as a Domme for you from the get-go. 

Writing your kinky profile

So many people don’t seem to think this is important but it is, especially when it comes to dating. This is your chance to give someone a first impression about you. Yes, you want to be open and honest about your kinks and desires but it shouldn’t read like a list of things you want someone to do to or for you.

It should also include what you want to bring to a relationship – you want to show more of you than just the kinky bits. What else do you want someone to know about you? Maybe it's about your hobbies, your living arrangements, politics, your work, family, etc. It doesn’t have to reveal too much about you but just start to give anyone looking a little glimpse into who you are.

Vanilla dating

The first dominant partner I ever had I actually found on a vanilla dating site. I was the naive one that time and didn’t pick up on the subtle clues in his dating profile. Do not assume you can’t find what you’re looking for on a vanilla dating site because I absolutely think you can. Often people have tried kinky dating and not found it successful and so decide to set that aside in favor of just finding a partner. 

Also, there are many people who don’t know they are actually very kinky, and meeting the right person who inspires them can awaken that in them. Obviously you can’t set out assuming you’re going to turn all vanilla women into dominant powerhouses but there is definitely potential there. Also, maybe just dating and meeting some people will help you to be sure about what you’re looking for.
Cuff luck? Finding a dominant woman requires effort

Writing your vanilla profile

Apart from the obvious, how is this different to your kinky profile you may ask? Mostly it is not. Take time to write a strong profile that gives anyone looking a good idea about who you are. Don’t be too serious but also don’t be too full of jokes and banter. There needs to be a balance. With both the kinky and vanilla one I would really recommend getting a friend to read what you have written and asking them if they think it reflects you and what they might suggest changing. 

However, unlike in your kinky profile – where you should be open and honest about what you’re looking for in terms of relationship dynamic – I would suggest that you definitely still want to be honest, but maybe think about the wording that you use so that either someone in the know will read it and pick on those clues. 

“No matter what someone’s kink identity is, they want to be treated as a complete person, not just a Domme, so take time to show an interest in them and don’t expect them to ‘perform‘.”

For those who don’t, those clues will hopefully act as talking points so you can slowly reveal things. I would write about enjoying women who like to take charge. Maybe use wording like, ‘lead the way’ and ‘know what they want’. Be subtle and don’t overstate it or it might start to sound a bit creepy.

Are you just looking for fantasy?

You have a very clear idea of what you want and how you want this relationship to look and work which is good. However, it could also be bad in that it could mean that you can’t find that relationship because you’re not open to letting something evolve or explore anything that doesn’t feel exactly like you have laid out for yourself. Is it possible that you’re looking for a fantasy Domme rather than a real Domme date who will come with their own idea of what a relationship might look like and also who is a whole person with all sorts of needs and wants, rather than just a Domme?

Domme dating: are you really only looking for a fantasy?

I don’t know how experienced you are with kink or if this is a new path for you, but it might be worth exploring some of that in a more casual way. Maybe try attending some kink events. Lots of cities and towns have munches, kink-play nights or fetish fairs where you could potentially meet people. Also, I would recommend looking for a pro-Domme and maybe having a few sessions with someone to help you explore and get some in-person experience. I think you will find this really helpful when it comes to finding someone and also help to ease some of the urgency to find a date or relationship, as some of your needs will be being met.
 

Be open to discovery

I think the most important thing, though, is to be open to discovery. You have a good idea of what you want but I'm concerned that is actually being a barrier, as you’re not open to just exploring and seeing what could be. It seems that you want the package to be there right from the beginning and that is unlikely to ever be the case. I think knowing you want to find someone is fine and also even knowing you want a female-led relationship, but I think how you get to that point could be through numerous different ways and the only way to find that out is to be open to all sorts of experiences and meeting a variety of different people. 

Yes, try kinky dating, but try other things too – regular dating with women you find interesting. Also, think about other routes, like kink events. You are in a position to be able to explore. Use that opportunity to have some amazing experiences, learn more about yourself and make friends. I think with that attitude you will definitely eventually find your perfect Domme date.

Good luck!
Molly x

If you need any more Domme dating advice, or want to discuss any other kink-related issue, contact Molly via her Fetish profile. Domme looking to date? Join our forum!

 
Images: shutterstock/LightField Studios, shutterstock/Volodymyr TVERDOKHLIB