I would offer that it may be worth exploring what intimacy means to you. Physical touch and intimacy doesn’t just have to come in the form of sex. It could be that a compromise, in the times between when your partner is feeling up for sex, that you two experiment with other forms of physical Read more… intimacy such as massage, cuddling, kissing, etc. And I would also encourage having a conversation that would make it clear that these moments wouldn’t be a lead up to sex as that could be a reason for the rejection of those actions in the past. While finding a compromise is challenging, it’s not impossible. It just depends on what you’re both willing to meet each other halfway on.
Good luck!
Jinx

Seconding what Cimky and eyem shared. Inexperience doesn’t matter one way or the other to me as long as the individual is proactive in their learning journey. Nothing worse to me as a Domme than to have someone who expects me to do all the work and research of exploring their kinks for them.

In a similar vein to everyone else, a common mistake is not taking initiative in exploring and researching their kink interests and how it fits with who they are. While, yes, some of that can be done together, I strongly believe the person should have a good foundational understanding of what Read more… interests them as well as what their limits are. Having no limits is another common mistake I see often. For me, it’s a huge red flag.

Are you meaning pushback from myself over my role or pushback from others?

Here’s my perspective... I very rarely use the spank feature as it feels weird to me to ‘spank’ someone I have never even talked to and don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I just can’t get myself to do it. I’d rather just message the person first if I’m interested. Which I have done. Similar Read more… to what others are sharing it’s based on how the profile is presented. Here’s what I look for:
Are the pictures tasteful and not just dick pics? Pictures that tease and hint are much more intriguing.
Is the profile filled out and how does it match my interests? I’m not going to waste both our time by messaging if we aren’t seeming to be a match from the beginning. Not personal, not an attractive/unattractive thing... it’s just efficiency. I only have so much time and energy.
Have they written a status update, ad, or forum post? How did they present themselves with it? It’s surprising how often I find rude and disrespectful comments in these. Side note: I would recommend removing the references to thinking you’re unattractive in your profile. It doesn’t present well and I’ve seen, from other experiences, it attract the wrong sort of person.
I also check when they last logged in to see if they’re active. I’m not going to waste my time composing a first message if the person hasn’t logged in for awhile.
Bottom line... many of the active individuals on here will be reading profiles to determine whether they want to respond or initiate contact so make it count.
Good luck!
Jinx

I get a pretty bad drop sometimes even with vanilla sexual encounters, including experiences that I have quite enjoyed and felt confident about. So to your question... It’s not limited to BDSM. It’s the same chemicals in the brain being heightened and then dropping for both BDSM and vanilla Read more… experiences. The brain doesn’t make a distinction between activities as either BDSM or vanilla, it just processes the stimuli and then reacts. I think why it’s more talked about and stressed in the BDSM community, is due to the ability to get to higher highs, and therefore more severe drops, with some of the kinks.
I’d also say that, you’re right... self-doubt and feelings of vulnerability can sometimes go hand in hand with a drop. I tend to look at it from a “what came first” perspective to help clarify for myself what’s going on. If the self-doubt and vulnerability came on first and then spiraled downward into a low place, I, personally, wouldn’t consider that a drop. If the “out of it” feeling of the drop is already there and the other doubts creep in, then I’d probably consider it related to the drop feelings. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what you call it though as long as you’re taking care of yourself in the moment when those feelings come on. And if you’re reaching out to your dominant and asking for what you need to help with these feelings and they aren’t doing so, then yeah... I think it’s reasonable to feel rejected and smart to be wary.
Also, last thing... sex as well as BDSM are really *** experiences. Sometimes having a past trauma can lead to a shame cycle after a session which may involve feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt for putting ourselves in that position of vulnerability again. This could also feel similar to a drop.
Well then, those are my ramblings for the day! Hope something in there helps!
Jinx

I’d just like to offer you’re not alone in this feeling. I remember having this same discussion on here a little while ago with some people about the implied message that Dom/mes are supposed to be in***. Obviously, that’s not true. From my perspective, it’s better to wait for the people who know Read more… that’s not true, than to try to contort yourself for people who’d hold that expectation to begin with.
I would also echo @Lady_Char... there seems to be a subset of people who are drawn to kink for the fantasy it gives rather than interest in actual dynamics. Which is perfectly fine, it just means their expectations and needs will be different than someone who is interested in a dynamic.
Good luck!
Jinx

I love this! 😂

This is exactly what I came to say. I would also add understanding the definition of friends-with-benefits, from your perspective and your potential friend’s perspective. From my own experience looking for one, I learned this term meant a lot of different things to different people. It spanned the Read more… full range of viewing it as more of a one night stand all the way to a “relationship that’s not a relationship.” So to avoid getting involved with someone who doesn’t have the same definition, and therefore expectations, as you, I would ask them in the first conversation what that term means to them. I think it might save you some time and energy. This is, of course, after you’ve determined your own definition of the term and what you would be comfortable with. After that, as was mentioned above, discuss each other’s boundaries and stick to them. It’s not foolproof because we’re all only human, but it might prevent some of the understandably frustrating situations you were experiencing.
Don’t be discouraged by a few situations that didn’t work out. My current friends-with-benefits partner is amazing so I can say it is possible to manage this type of relationship. You just have to find the right style for yourself.
Good luck!
Jinx