It's an interesting idea for sure. I had a message from a seemingly nice person on here, who sent me a non-sexual track they'd done, which was nice and so on - but ... I caught the end of the recording in a more awake state, where a suggested reaction to a phrase was made, before they talked Read more… through the final "wake up" call. .... I didn't like that. It felt a little like it could be used to control someone when they least expected it, kind of thing.... especially as no mention of such a suggestion, was made, when the offer to provide the recording was made. I'm sure it was done innocently enough - but as trust is a HUGE issue for me right now (so maybe that's why I felt a bit off about it) - it could be that my opinion is not really valid.

Hi,
Thanks for all your replies. I thought I would give an update, since I posted on the 6th September 2021, as there has been a bit of a turn of events.
On the 12th September 2021, in the early evening, my phone rang - it was him... I debated on whether to answer, just staring at his name, and Read more… eventually, it clicked over to voicemail. It was a little unusually because he'd never really let it get to voicemail before. After the message was done, I listened to the message... and I honestly was surprised. It was a female voice! Obviously close - but I felt instinctively that it was not a partner, or wife - we talk waaaayyyy too much for that to be possible, and at all times of the day and night... but it was a woman, and I'm guessing similar in age - even though I don't know his age. She didn't realise the voicemail was running and she said "yea I didn't know how to turn it off on this new phone, and someone's speaking on there..." he replied in high pitched shock "Who???", took the phone and switched it off. The shock in his voice amused me. And the emotions wasn't one of betrayal, but like I'd got a snatch of his "real life". ... I decided to wait before bringing it up. I had fits of amusement, thinking how he must be feeling at wondering if I had actually had a chat with the female on the voicemail. I had visions of him being really worried. It amused me intensely.
He called that night of course - and I bided my time. I couldn't sleep. I kept giggling over it. Like - what is wrong with me - that's hardly normal!
Anyway - The next day, I had a chat with him. He was audibly on edge. He still doesn't know it was just a voicemail. He said it wasn't a wife, or partner, but a relative - I asked in what way - he refused to tell me. He asked if I thought he was cheating on me - and honestly - I know he isn't... afterall - we're hardly "together". ... But I couldn't even yell or get mad. I was just sad. I talked - I cried - hard - he listened. I bought up things from way back - about going through the grief when he vanished for over a year - I talked of the isolation, of people not understanding why I have spent 20 years of my life hanging onto his every word, and so on, and not being able to talk to anyone about the *** of that Grief - because of not knowing anything about him. I talked about the missing ads I placed - and asked him about the woman, who's name he has called me more often lately. All he said of that, was that she was someone in his life who was very special, and now she isn't in his life any more. I asked what happened - he said firmly "No. I'm not going there with you". He refused to answer a lot of my questions, and frustrations - and just listened.. barely breathing. I cried, and sniffed, and sobbed, and whined "Why??? I don't understand, why you can't tell me about you!"... He remained silent. He said he lived in a house with a Blue door - drives a Blue car.... and that was about it. I talked about how unsettled I am. How uncomfortable I feel, and how I don't know how to process it... because ... what happened - was not real. I talked about how he's locked me into a corner, where I can't talk to people about it - because he won't tell me anything about him. He remained silent - just listening.
When I finished crying so heavily - he apologised. He gave no explanation, or comment, on why he carried on - knowing I was not able to give consent - and had said no. The call ended shortly after.
He rang back the next night and he asked if I was ok. I said no. We talked about chit chat - and then parted ways.
The next few nights I didn't answer his calls. The next few weeks became busy, needing several late night admin stuff on the computer, so when he rang - I was very "Business like" and distracted - on the couple of occassions he called. The Butterflies I have felt, every single call in all these years... are weakening, and dying. I feel empty and lost. If he tried anything on - I changed the topic, and refused to engage. I actually don't want him "touching" me. I just want to snuggle up to someone and be held, but my trust is gone. I still don't know how to stabilise or make sense of any of it.
Then last night.... He called - and I chatted, recognising the dying feelings, and I felt sad... but we chatted about day stuff... and he kept trying to engage a more intimate act... I didn't. And then he asked a question... "Do you want to play?"... I snapped back loudly "NO!". He fell silent. I was proud of myself for telling him so loudly and firmly. He remained silent a while - I could practically hear his jaw, hit the floor.... and after a pause of silence - with the word, hanging between us ominously - he softly said he hears me. And it was loud and clear. We talked. I told him I don't understand what's happening - but I don't want any type of that kind of thing. I told him "I can't - I just can't do it, and I don't want it". He was clearly sad. He apologised sincerely that he hurt me. I didn't answer. He asked if I will ever be "fixed". He apologised for using that phrase, but he didn't know how to say it any other way. Deep down - he was asking if "we" were over. I heard the *** rip through him in those few words. I told him honestly "I don't know". But I look at everything and thing "where we ever really a "we" anyway?". He apologised again for hurting me. I told him, that I know he's a man who needs sex - and that if he wants it - he should seek it elsewhere. I told him I'd be happy to chat - but no intimacy... but I get that, that might not work for him. That I'm just to lost and confused right now.
He tried to lighten the mood, and I didn't play along - he talked about a colour and material... hinting - wanting me to tell him about some sexy lingerie I may be wearing.... I refused to engage. I know he was hurting - but I am too. I've been a fool over this man, for 20 years of my life, and then this......
We parted company and I ;ay there thinking - this can't be it for me.... not like this.... I NEED to sort my head out. I emailed a private Sex Therapist for a price list - not that I'll be able to afford it, but I have to help myself if I want to level off... it's been nearly a Month, afterall, and the situation is entirely ridiculous. I probably need professional help. I warned the Therapist that it's not a normal situation and I probably should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act! lol. I hope to be able to get some kind of resolve, with professional help... because clearly I can't get to a point of understand what the heck is going on in life.
I fell asleep after emailing the Therapist, and and putting a YouTube ASMR video on to try and block out the thoughts - while honestly feeling, just gut achingly sad, and still lost, and very confused, and uncomfortable... and like I've lost trust in everything - I can't even cry over it, and I am irritable and cynical about everything right now. It's not a good way to be.
Today I had a powerful meeting, where I had to be the strong, independent, in control of things, powerful, woman I have to be for what I do .... I was glad when the "enemy" didn't show... but I was left feeling a little deflated as I wanted the fight too. By the evening - I just felt drained and heavy.
He rang again tonight, not so long ago, but I was talking to my Dad. I never answered his call, or rang "my guy" back. I just don't know what to say to him any more - because he won't give me anything of his "real personal life" to work with. I so wish I didn't feel like this, though, even though I know (thanks to kind advice here) that this is very far from a healthy relationship, with him...... But I truly wish, that I could just change the way I'm feeling, to be a little more stable, at the very least.
Thanks to everyone who has had the patience to read my waffle, and post here, or message me. Your opinions have been invaluable. I am truly grateful.
Thank you so very much. :)

Why did MrMarkMark delete his original profile, with which he posted the first post, and return with a named profile?

Just a LOOOONNNG update! (Sorry!):
Thank you all!!! I have read, and re-read, your comments, and believe me, I have taken them on board.
So, I finally I got to speak with him last night. He explained his lack of contact over the last few days, as being because of the clocks changing, and work. Read more… But our conversation was not flowing by any standard. It was like there was this minefield in the middle of us, and whereas I wanted to jump right into it, and take whatever happens, as it comes...... he wanted to ignore it. I don't know why.
Our chat was, at first, rather stilted, as I knew he didn't want to discuss it. I'm rarely stuck for words, but when he asked if I had anything to say, I genuinely struggled, because of my concerns for him.
In the end I told him that I'd worried so much, that the other night was too much for him, and that I'd scared him away. I actually, desperately, wanted to talk to him about what happened, how I'd felt, etc.... and more importantly, how he felt. But all he said was "Did you enjoy it?". My breath caught as I squeaked out a fading "yes", and then couldn't help but giggle, as my lower tummy fluttered at the memory, and my face heated instantly, and heard his own breath falter at my involuntary response. And then I asked if HE enjoyed it... but... I didn't really get a positive response. I mean, he said yes, and thanked me... but I don't know... it was weird - like he didn't want to admit it... or rather, he just said it because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. I just wish he would be able to tell me.
And then, after a while, we just had some gentle, slow, quiet time together, that he made completely all about me, which was so nice, and afterwards, before he left, he made sure I understood it was time for him to go.... but after he went, while I wasn't awake for long, I still feel confused, and like something is unresolved. ...... and the worst part is, that I will never be able to resolve it, because he won't discuss it. ... And the other day, I learned that Dom's can have their own type of drop. So maybe he experienced something similar, but because he's Mr Mystery, he feels he can't talk either...... ugh! Who knows.
I understand perfectly, what everyone is saying, about the situation. That it is a very one sided mind-game. Yes, to a degree, it is. I've also been physically, in his vacinity, in person, three times now, giving him opportunity to meet me. Twice, years ago, when immediately afterwards, he vanished for weeks, without warning or explanation, during which time, my Mother took great delight in telling me repeatedly, while I internally grieved over his absence, that he must have seen me, and not liked what he saw, etc. Again, no explanation, when he returned.
The third time, I was, I believe, very close to him, but it's clear that he doesn't want to see me. However, he saved me, by guiding me to where I needed to be, when I got lost in his town, for which I'm so very grateful for.
And he has put up with a lot from me. More often than not, lately, I've 'off-loaded' my day's rubbish - including sometimes, the *** I get, onto the poor guy, and then simply passed out and snored at him. I've emotionally not been there for him in a long time... but then, it's hard to be there for him, when he said his day's been bad, but he won't tell me how, or why, or anything. Years ago, I spoke to another woman, who had spoken to him too. She told me his Mother had died in previous Months. I'd had no idea. Again, he didn't want to discuss it with me, so I said I knew, from the other lady, and that I was there if he wanted to talk. He never did. Like I said - I know nothing about this guy. But... I gain a lot from him too.
The last disappearance, for over a year, rocked me to the core, and changed - maybe for the better\ marginally healthier, things between us. We used to talk every night for hours. Now, if I'm tired or committed to other stuff, my priorities have changed, and I now deal with that first. ... which doesn't sound much, but before, I would drop everything to be with him, sometimes at the detriment (he never knew) of the other things.
It's a VERY messed up situation, that I wish were different, and I'm probably in desperate need of professional therapy, for this one matter alone... but I do have feelings for him, (that drive me potty, as I sometimes crave a real physical interaction with him, to the point of panting! Lol) and it annoys me, that still, even after all these years, right from Day 1, every time I hear his voice, I get the most insane Butterflies, and a stupid grin on my face.... and honestly, as this is all my elderly parents will ever allow me to have, in terms of a relationship, for now, (I'm 43, but their real-life Cinderella), I can't do anything else, even if I had the desire to. I'm not necessarily happy about the situation, but he's deeply embedded, under my skin, and I know it's mental, and crazy, but I just didn't feel 'right' without him in my life. That's not to say I am closed minded about connecting with other guys, should the opportunity arise. I did try dating - especially during his 'hiatus', but it didn't work out. I felt like I was cheating, even though it was a typical basic date, and then the other guy turned out to be married, and admitted that actually, he wasn't dominant, as he'd claimed, but was actually more submissive than myself, so that was never going to work on either count! Lol.
Anyway - in summary, I'm soooo glad I've found this site. The situation still remains unresolved, but at least he's turned up again. I'm reading so much on this site, and it's obvious that I've soooo much more to learn.
And as I said, I've genuinely taken on board, what each and everyone of you, has said about my issues, followed some advice, and feel a lot better, even it there is still some confusion remaining.
Thank you for your advice, and thoughts, and opinions, and taking the time to reply. :)