I really wish I had an easy fix for you , but I'm in a similar mindset and if there was a perfect solution, I would have done it.
Honestly the things that seemed to help me are kind of embarrassing and may not even help in a healthy way, but mainly it was learning to deal with my loneliness on my Read more… own. That was a massive part of my depression and feelings of hopelessness.
As for environmental pressures, I just allow myself to accept what I can't control. I kind of retreat into my own mind when things get too difficult, sometimes to the point of believing that whatever is happening just isn't real, that this is all just a very long dream that I'll eventually wake up from.
I don't really recommend trying that or anything, I guess I'm just sharing my own experience. Thanks for sharing this here, I think it helps sometimes to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Logically I know I'm not the only one, but it dosen't really "feel" like that until I see a post like yours.

If thirst was sandstone, this internet would be buried deeper than the pharos.
I think it is par for the course on a site like this, but at least the community tends to deal with it instead it treating it like the norm. Being a woman online anywhere seems to be an issue. I can still get on an mmo Read more… as a female character and be followed by a group of "super friendly" people that are instantly trying to get my attention.
Add to that the fact that this site is specifically centered around fetishes and features a lot of provocative photos. All I can say is it could be much worse.

Just a suggestion from an inexperienced person, try to explain how you feel in a metaphorical way, could be more descriptive than just saying it feels good. Example, "your touch is sending shockwaves of pleasure through my body" is how I would describe a sensual massage.

I don't think it is the fact that you are a girl gamer, I think it is the fact that you are a girl they can actually talk to. I know when I was young I was way too shy to talk to girls in rl (actually that is still the case) but online was so much easier.
I also had plenty of my own "girls only Read more… like asshole guys!" rants that I'm not proud of. I think it is a natural thing males have to grow out of by realizing that relationships are not a personality competition. Now we have so many guys not growing out of that phase that we even have a special term for them, so that's probably a bad sign.

That is very interesting, thank you for the anaylisis.
The part about rooms meaning different things is very interesting because the house was strange in that way, every room felt like a different dimension almost.
As for the couple, it is worth mentioning that they had a weird feud going on Read more… between them and both of them would take me with them separately, telling me all the bad things the other was doing (mostly cheating) and I of course stayed out of it, stayed quiet and obeyed.
Maybe the zombies was like the slow destruction of the relationship that I was trying to prevent in vain.
The higher self stuff has been on my mind a lot in a different way. Been doing "the work" (in my own way) trying to access the higher self as you call it, I've been calling it the avatar, as if "the universe" or "god" creates a form to communicate with us in this world, like a video game avatar. Hope this makes sense and doesn't just look like insane nonsense, haha.

Last night I also had a very vivid dream where I had found an amazing couple that wanted to own me as a sub. It was pretty exciting, but never actually got sexual.
At some point the dream became more about me trying to defend the house from a horde of zombies that were spreading throughout the Read more… town. Sometimes I feel like my subconscious loses interest and just starts doing improv.