I must say I belittled maybe my abilities too much. Im very proud of myself, only for the *** and dysfunctionality I know yet being alive, sane and having ambitions, and being in the process towards achieving them. Fuck the worlds rules and timeline, I do shit my way and on my schedule if I have to Read more… exist in this piece of fuck shit of a world, ehh??

Its strange for me to write this online, I’ve never done it before.
I was molested around the age of 8 years old, my actual memories didn’t start long before that. Im 22 now. It was around the time my mother got cancer and pushed through radiation, chemo and a surgery to remove a 750 grams heavy Read more… tumor from her thyroid gland in her neck, while her own *** radiated out of her and onto everything around. The issue is, im emotionally (I think) completely detached from it all, even the years that came after, where up until mid ***age years, I was bullied and balckmailed, constantly, by ***rs and strangers, my age and much older .. in my neighborhood and in school, taught that I was the one who made a mistake and was threatened with telling my family and the police (It sounds funny but I was born and raised in an extremely conservative culture). I never knew I was the victim, I never had anyone tell me that. Never.
I lived my life till I grew a bit up, dodging what I thought were bullets, I engaged in so much sexual activity with many many people and also my ***r and his friends a couple more times. Not all of it was pushed on me, it very quickly became very normal, I was active consensually at that age, did things consciously before I hit puberty.
Whats fucked up is, the world doesn’t give you a break based on this. No one validates that I cant run my daily life properly and do everything (some great but..) very slow. Because the most important years of my development I spent fake smiling in my family’s faces, while overthinking anxiously how to dodge the current blackmailer I was going to see when leaving the house or going to school. My inability to prioritize myself, my needs and health is so overwhelming as you grow older. Makes you so *** to being taken advantage of.
I started smoking around 11 or 12, inhalants within the 2 years after it and eventually opiate pills other *** when possible at the age of 15. I was told in Jan 2018 that I had 1 to 2 years to need a lung transplant, yet I smoke like chimney still. I currently suffer from an autoimmune lung disorder (Langerhans cell histiocytosis), and lots of undiagnosed shit in my head.
Sex, ***, smoke and just general numbness was and still is my coping mechanism.
Maybe my ***rs won and still winning like someone wrote earlier, maybe they didn’t. I think my art is the***utic for me but nothing of significance. I feel I am undeserving of love (even knowing its not true..), you definitely want something from me if you approach me right? thats how its always been, right?
Sorry that I don’t have solutions for you, we are our traumas indeed.