Ba**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 If you have a regular play partner, someone who is your friend but you aren’t in a relationship or dynamic with, do you owe it to them to inform them if you enter a new dynamic?
ri**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 Personally, I default to clear communication. I think it’d be best to have a quick chat with them about what you expect from each other in this regard so that this isn’t an unanswered question ☺️
Be**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 I think that's something you communicate with them about the moment they become a play partner. It's better to inform them that you may get into a new dynamic in the future so that when you do enter into a new one nobody is caught off guard. Even disregarding that, it's still a good idea to keep them informed about life if you intend to let them be a part of it.
Ma**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 It really depends on what you agreed to at the start. It’s one of the first things I discuss with play partners so they know going in what they are in for. Some I have asked and said they do not want to know and one or two do. Definitely do it if fluid bonding is involved.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 For clarity, in this instance, I am the play partner. I am big on open communication and they know that. We’ve been attending clubs together for 18 months. I feel like I lost one of my best friends because they have completely cut me off. I only found out about the new dynamic from a third party. I guess I thought I deserved better
Be**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 You absolutely deserved better, if you've been with each other that long you at least deserved to be told by them what was going on.
Ki**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 I'd say yes, they deserve to know. Politeness, avoids discussions further down the line as well the big lie pardon the pun some people get really emotionally entangled so might need some extra tact on it
Cu**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 To have a person whom you consider to be a play partner, you’ll have already had conversations. To achieve the stage of being able to play together, you’ll have decided that you can trust them. Trust, includes honesty, respect, caring, openness, listening and understanding. Surely, you owe it your play partner, to keep them informed about your lifestyle interests. I’ve always been asked in the early stages of discourse, by interested players, if I already had a sub, and always answered honestly. So, why wouldn’t the potential play partner do the same, for their own peace of mind before embarking on any kind of connection? How would feel if you found out that you’d been kept in the dark by someone whom you thought you trusted? What’s wrong with being open, apart from the fact that you might ruin what you’ve already enjoyed with your play partner? And by not informing, you lose their trust and their friendship, how ever loose the arrangement.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 3 minutes ago, CumbriaLeather said: To have a person whom you consider to be a play partner, you’ll have already had conversations. To achieve the stage of being able to play together, you’ll have decided that you can trust them. Trust, includes honesty, respect, caring, openness, listening and understanding. Surely, you owe it your play partner, to keep them informed about your lifestyle interests. I’ve always been asked in the early stages of discourse, by interested players, if I already had a sub, and always answered honestly. So, why wouldn’t the potential play partner do the same, for their own peace of mind before embarking on any kind of connection? How would feel if you found out that you’d been kept in the dark by someone whom you thought you trusted? What’s wrong with being open, apart from the fact that you might ruin what you’ve already enjoyed with your play partner? And by not informing, you lose their trust and their friendship, how ever loose the arrangement. As I wrote in my comment, I am the play partner.
Ar**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 You don’t “owe” anyone you’re not in a relationship with anything, but you should consider the context of both relationships. Chances are that if you’re at the play partner stage, then you’ve had a conversation about what both of you want from your sessions. If that’s the case it shouldn’t be too hard to determine whether they’d want to know. If you’re friends with this person and you think they’d want to know then have the discussion. If, for whatever reason, you’re unsure about telling them it’s still probably better, in most instances, to tell them, unless you have a reason not to. I can’t really think of a specific reason except: “they might get upset or angry”, but if this is the case then it sounds like one or both of you weren’t communicating what you wanted from your relationship. Essentially, communication is key from the start, just like anything kink related. If you are worried it’ll upset them, you’ve got to consider whether being friends with them is a good idea? Might be better for both of you to cut ties if no relationship is ever possible. If it was only ever casual play, you don’t need to tell them unless it comes up imo. But generally I think if you’re open and honest you’ll be fine 🙂 Finally, if you still intend on continuing with the first person, you definitely do need to tell both parties, but that should go without saying really.
UK**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 As others have said, it's down to what you agreed, however from what you've said about what they know about you it certainly would have been expected. I think what makes it worse is that they have cut off communication.
Pe**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 In the past, it was customary to inform a play partner about entering into a new dynamic. It was a matter of ethics, respect and open, transparent and honest communication. Nowadays, no form of dynamics (including play partner) has any substance and there is an overabundance of superficiality.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 1 minute ago, PervyHedonist said: In the past, it was customary to inform a play partner about entering into a new dynamic. It was a matter of ethics, respect and open, transparent and honest communication. Nowadays, no form of dynamics (including play partner) has any substance and there is an overabundance of superficiality. I disagree. Certainly within my community, ethics and respect are held in high regard. Perhaps you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people
Cu**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 1 hour ago, BackRubsNBruises said: As I wrote in my comment, I am the play partner. You were probably writing your comment as I was writing mine. Had I seen your further words , beyond the OP, I would have adjusted the angle of the response. But regardless, communications between your play partner and you either dramatically broke down, or we’re pretty flimsy. However, just as a matter of courtesy, it would have been appropriate to at least have had a private conversation with clothes on, which explained what was happening. You sound to have been “dumped”, without any empathic consideration as to your feelings, for which I can only commiserate.
Da**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 When i read the original post and the first few responses, i was going to comment that there certainly seened like a lack of 'heart' around the issue, then i got to the OP saying it had happened to them. What a terrible thing to receive. I'm so sorry on your behalf. You should've been informed by the partner directly, purely out of courtesy, before considering other aspects, like what was consented. Having told you, early enough, not let you find it out from a 3rd party, etc. All terrible human behaviour. However, the cut off after. Not remaining friends, etc. That's sadly par for the course. The new partner gets to define who stays friends, etc. It's always a possibility when 'friending'. That you'd get kicked out with a change of regime. Sorry for that feeling too. It doesn't make it great. Get your own, mark it more clearly, live happily after x
Pe**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 2 minuten geleden, BackRubsNBruises said: I disagree. Certainly within my community, ethics and respect are held in high regard. Perhaps you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people The question you really need to answer is, “do you blend in with the crowd,” or are you a “straight shooter” who stands out from the crowd.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 19 minutes ago, PervyHedonist said: The question you really need to answer is, “do you blend in with the crowd,” or are you a “straight shooter” who stands out from the crowd. I’m not sure how that’s relevant to my post. Whether I choose to stand out or not, I’ve already said communication is important to me
Pe**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 If that is indeed the case, then the question of whether you should tell your playing partner about your dynamic is completely redundant. And, you know it
Pe**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 4 minuten geleden, BackRubsNBruises said: I’m not sure how that’s relevant to my post. Whether I choose to stand out or not, I’ve already said communication is important to me If that is indeed the case, then the question of whether you should tell your playing partner about your dynamic is completely redundant. And, you know it
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 27 minutes ago, CumbriaLeather said: You were probably writing your comment as I was writing mine. Had I seen your further words , beyond the OP, I would have adjusted the angle of the response. But regardless, communications between your play partner and you either dramatically broke down, or we’re pretty flimsy. However, just as a matter of courtesy, it would have been appropriate to at least have had a private conversation with clothes on, which explained what was happening. You sound to have been “dumped”, without any empathic consideration as to your feelings, for which I can only commiserate. I find communication really important so take time to nurture a safe space for everyone i have interactions with. This person, as my best friend, knew that. Communication most definitely wasn’t flimsy and hadn’t seemingly changed, actually nothing had. They just met someone online and collared them in 3 weeks then discarded me 🤷🏼♀️ Had there been a breakdown in communication, or a lack of to begin with, perhaps I wouldn’t be so hurt. But this was the person i could tell anything to. Irritatingly, they’re also the person I’d go to with something like this and they’d talk it through with me.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 3 minutes ago, PervyHedonist said: If that is indeed the case, then the question of whether you should tell your playing partner about your dynamic is completely redundant. And, you know it I don’t think you read any of the comments where I’ve stressed I am the play partner. I’ve asked the question because i was curious whether my feelings were justified
Pe**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 4 minuten geleden, BackRubsNBruises said: I don’t think you read any of the comments where I’ve stressed I am the play partner. I’ve asked the question because i was curious whether my feelings were justified Reading comprehension remains a difficult one for some. My answer is generally valid, that they are addressed to you in this case is only a small detail.
Cu**** Posted September 9 Posted September 9 10 minutes ago, BackRubsNBruises said: I find communication really important so take time to nurture a safe space for everyone i have interactions with. This person, as my best friend, knew that. Communication most definitely wasn’t flimsy and hadn’t seemingly changed, actually nothing had. They just met someone online and collared them in 3 weeks then discarded me 🤷🏼♀️ Had there been a breakdown in communication, or a lack of to begin with, perhaps I wouldn’t be so hurt. But this was the person i could tell anything to. Irritatingly, they’re also the person I’d go to with something like this and they’d talk it through with me. Well it does look like there’s been a communication breakdown, otherwise you would have surely been kept aware of what was happening in the three weeks between your “best friend” meeting someone online, and collaring them. Was there total silence in this period? I just wonder how secure your best friend felt that the relationship/connection was between the two of you…I mean it appears like they say the things that they think you want to hear, but privately they’ve been on the lookout for something more meaningful, which I apologise is not what you want to read. Hindsight can be a wonderful thing, when you’re trying to piece together the reasoning behind something breaking/finishing. Do you ever recall the subject of collaring ever being mentioned in the 18 months you’d been together? Was it ever hinted at? Was it something you’d have liked to explore with them? To go from knowing nothing about someone, to collaring in three weeks, is one heck of a steep learning curve. If you hadn’t heard anything in that three week period, then it might be safe to assume that their time was massively taken up with their new connection. And collaring, just from online? Where was the socialising, body language checking, reality checks? These are probably all the things that you’ve asked yourself. So even though this person presented themselves as your best friend, and helped deal with issues in the past, there was something that they didn’t tell you, or admit to…being honest with you. Their actions certainly didn’t reflect respect, care, feelings, empathy, nor understanding about how their actions would impact on you, when they did what they did. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this, but take one thing away from it. The person that convinced you that they were friends with you, wasn’t the kind of person you thought that they were. You certainly deserve better treatment than that. Over time, hopefully you can heal, and begin to move forward, to enjoy what fills your thoughts with happiness again.
Ba**** Posted September 9 Author Posted September 9 15 minutes ago, CumbriaLeather said: Well it does look like there’s been a communication breakdown, otherwise you would have surely been kept aware of what was happening in the three weeks between your “best friend” meeting someone online, and collaring them. Was there total silence in this period? I just wonder how secure your best friend felt that the relationship/connection was between the two of you…I mean it appears like they say the things that they think you want to hear, but privately they’ve been on the lookout for something more meaningful, which I apologise is not what you want to read. Hindsight can be a wonderful thing, when you’re trying to piece together the reasoning behind something breaking/finishing. Do you ever recall the subject of collaring ever being mentioned in the 18 months you’d been together? Was it ever hinted at? Was it something you’d have liked to explore with them? To go from knowing nothing about someone, to collaring in three weeks, is one heck of a steep learning curve. If you hadn’t heard anything in that three week period, then it might be safe to assume that their time was massively taken up with their new connection. And collaring, just from online? Where was the socialising, body language checking, reality checks? These are probably all the things that you’ve asked yourself. So even though this person presented themselves as your best friend, and helped deal with issues in the past, there was something that they didn’t tell you, or admit to…being honest with you. Their actions certainly didn’t reflect respect, care, feelings, empathy, nor understanding about how their actions would impact on you, when they did what they did. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this, but take one thing away from it. The person that convinced you that they were friends with you, wasn’t the kind of person you thought that they were. You certainly deserve better treatment than that. Over time, hopefully you can heal, and begin to move forward, to enjoy what fills your thoughts with happiness again. That’s the thing! There’s been no silence. We were as normal. I supported them through a death in the family, the lot. I have no romantic feelings towards them and need that to consider collaring so I am just sad and stunned to have lost my friend so unexpectedly. I can only think the death affected them more than they let me see (possibly more than they realise) and they’ve rushed into this. The sad thing is, when I initially heard about the new dynamic, I immediately went to text them and congratulate them because if it makes them happy then I’m happy, but they never replied.
Criket_Darling Posted September 9 Posted September 9 2 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said: For clarity, in this instance, I am the play partner. I am big on open communication and they know that. We’ve been attending clubs together for 18 months. I feel like I lost one of my best friends because they have completely cut me off. I only found out about the new dynamic from a third party. I guess I thought I deserved better I get this. I had a fwb situation. He's much younger than me and is still hoping for marriage and children... things I am not willing or able to give... but we are both very kinky and the sex was SOOO much fun. Plus, we would just hang out and chatter about stupid shit... we always had so much fun together. I knew it would never be more than that, though I would've taken it had he offered... but I was good with what we had, even though I knew it wouldn't last forever. All of a sudden the messages stopped, the snaps stopped -and he wouldn't reply to my messages, even ones inquiring about his health and safety. I was worried about him. Then I became devastated... I thought I'd done something wrong. I thought he was mad at me. I cried for 3 days. He finally came clean that he had met a girl (I call her 'the breeder' because she can give him kids, but she's super vanilla and he still messages me often to fulfill his kink needs). I was hurt even more when he told me... not because he had her, but because I thought we were better than that...I thought we were friends and friends share that stuff! I had always told him when I was talking to a guy the was potential ltr material and even shared details about those relationships. I was so pissed that I wasn't afforded the same in return. Apparently communication ABOUT communication is necessary, as well.
Recommended Posts