Play partner etiquette

[Ma****]

3 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

As I wrote in my comment, I am the play partner.

Surely you are both play partners to each other? It’s sounds like they are not worthy of your time or feels.

My first rule is no ghosting no matter the situation - it’s just such a rubbish thing to do. Extra rubbish if they have been a friend

[Ba****]

54 minutes ago, Criket_Darling said:

I get this. I had a fwb situation. He's much younger than me and is still hoping for marriage and ***... things I am not willing or able to give... but we are both very kinky and the sex was SOOO much fun. Plus, we would just hang out and chatter about stupid shit... we always had so much fun together. I knew it would never be more than that, though I would've taken it had he offered... but I was good with what we had, even though I knew it wouldn't last forever. All of a sudden the messages stopped, the snaps stopped -and he wouldn't reply to my messages, even ones inquiring about his health and safety. I was worried about him. Then I became devastated... I thought I'd done something wrong. I thought he was mad at me. I cried for 3 days. He finally came clean that he had met a girl (I call her 'the breeder' because she can give him kids, but she's super vanilla and he still messages me often to fulfill his kink needs). I was hurt even more when he told me... not because he had her, but because I thought we were better than that...I thought we were friends and friends share that stuff! I had always told him when I was talking to a guy the was potential ltr material and even shared details about those relationships. I was so ***ed that I wasn't afforded the same in return.

Apparently communication ABOUT communication is necessary, as well.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. And yes, communication about communication is needed.

[Ba****]

17 minutes ago, MaryJane369 said:

Surely you are both play partners to each other? It’s sounds like they are not worthy of your time or feels.

My first rule is no ghosting no matter the situation - it’s just such a rubbish thing to do. Extra rubbish if they have been a friend

Apologies, I said that to differentiate between play partner and play partner with new dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

Your feelings are completely valid and justified. It an unfair and unjustified behavior shown by your former play partner. And the shift of priorities hurt especially when not communicated. Try to not linger about the why's, mostly it has not much to do with you. It's their fault. You aren't loosing someone with it. They are loosing you. You helped and where there, so maybe it even feels like that you have been used. And that sucks hard. Been there too. So try not to set your focus on what and why it happened, come back to you. They don't deserve your time and energy. But it is hard to let someone, you cared for, go.

[TheBookCollector]

This is a light form of ENM, and personally I think you should be open with existing partners if you are playing with someone new. So that your existing play partner(s) are aware of them.

[cl****]

First off, STDs are real. Given your question, seems you don't think they are. I suggest you get tested. All your partners should be aware of your current number of partners. It's up to them to take the risk or not. But by hiding partners you are creating non-consensual situations.

[Ba****]

3 minutes ago, cleanCutSouris said:

First off, STDs are real. Given your question, seems you don't think they are. I suggest you get tested. All your partners should be aware of your current number of partners. It's up to them to take the risk or not. But by hiding partners you are creating non-consensual situations.

We do impact and electric play. Never had sex with them. What made you think I don’t think stds are real?

Also, as I’ve said across multiple comments, I was the one who wasn’t told, not the one in a new dynamic.

But thank you for judging me so needlessly. It really helped 😊

[adrenalina75]

6 minutes ago, cleanCutSouris said:

First off, STDs are real. Given your question, seems you don't think they are. I suggest you get tested. All your partners should be aware of your current number of partners. It's up to them to take the risk or not. But by hiding partners you are creating non-consensual situations.

What the f***? First off, she is not talking about herself. Secondly, nothing was mentioned about whether sex was part of the dynamic OR whether barrier protection was used or not. Thirdly, don’t talk to women like that please.

[ey****]

I've picked up on a few bits for comments 

So first off - obviously regardless of any context - I know it can suck and hurt if you feel a partner should have told you then it can be important you communicate how you feel in order to clear the air.

But, to a degree - it might depend on how close/friendly you were especially away from anything kink related.   I have/had play partners and they don't need to tell me who else they play with and any potential dynamics - though, I would half expect it to come up from time to time.

Reading between the lines slightly - I think when you say you're not in a relationship or dynamic with them, it may be they didn't feel they needed to tell you.  Again, back to my first point.

For being cut off, this can suck but also - if they have just/recently entered this dynamic they may be having 'new relationship energy' and so for at least a temporary period of time may be getting a handle on communication and such with this partner 

I want to hope this was just a genuine faux pas.  Sometimes we do get a little wrapped up in the moment - and it can indirectly hurt other people. Hopefully a clear the air will help you both 

[adrenalina75]

6 minutes ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

We do impact and electric play. Never had sex with them. What made you think I don’t think stds are real?

Also, as I’ve said across multiple comments, I was the one who wasn’t told, not the one in a new dynamic.

But thank you for judging me so needlessly. It really helped 😊

🙄

[Ba****]

4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I've picked up on a few bits for comments 

So first off - obviously regardless of any context - I know it can suck and hurt if you feel a partner should have told you then it can be important you communicate how you feel in order to clear the air.

But, to a degree - it might depend on how close/friendly you were especially away from anything kink related.   I have/had play partners and they don't need to tell me who else they play with and any potential dynamics - though, I would half expect it to come up from time to time.

Reading between the lines slightly - I think when you say you're not in a relationship or dynamic with them, it may be they didn't feel they needed to tell you.  Again, back to my first point.

For being cut off, this can suck but also - if they have just/recently entered this dynamic they may be having 'new relationship energy' and so for at least a temporary period of time may be getting a handle on communication and such with this partner 

I want to hope this was just a genuine faux pas.  Sometimes we do get a little wrapped up in the moment - and it can indirectly hurt other people. Hopefully a clear the air will help you both 

I think in one comment I referred to them as one of my best friends. So I’d have expected to hear about it tbh. But clearly I valued our friendship significantly more than they did and I just need to accept that and make better friends

[ey****]

Just now, BackRubsNBruises said:

I think in one comment I referred to them as one of my best friends. So I’d have expected to hear about it tbh. But clearly I valued our friendship significantly more than they did and I just need to accept that and make better friends

ah shit. I'm sorry about that, for sure :/  It is inconsiderate of them as a minimum for sure. 

[Ba****]

4 minutes ago, adrenalina75 said:

🙄

Thank you for your post. Im fairly thick skinned usually, but not so much atm. Particularly not regarding this topic.

[my****]

Do you have that arrangement? If you understood you’re not exclusive, then no harm no foul. Same goes with your new partner. I am exclusive with my play partners because I do not share, they know that long before I ever touch them.

[Ur****]

Actually no not really cause I'm my eyes that's what they are as I call it my play things none of us control one of another and if anything we are always happen when there's another added to the group of fun. But it will matter if that play things is like an every day or every other day used to on going play to now almost never play cause whether you like it or not there's still that time frame that individuals are used to that are now gone and we as ourselves don't see it but we do it more frantic than believed. We don't ever think like hey maybe they used to have a busy schedule and when I came along dropped those things to give this person all the time they needed and that's where we fuck up how only as individual but as friends no less. Hope that makes sense enough to understand what I meant

[do****]

Personally and professionally, informed consent is the best consent. No matter the label put on the situation, it is your duty as a person to provide someone with information that concerns them, especially their safety, health and well-being. Anything else is uncivilized. Unless that person consented to not wanting to know that kind of information beforehand, you have to tell them if something in the relationship changed. Just my thoughts, not gospel

[Ba****]

18 minutes ago, doubletrouble129 said:

Personally and professionally, informed consent is the best consent. No matter the label put on the situation, it is your duty as a person to provide someone with information that concerns them, especially their safety, health and well-being. Anything else is uncivilized. Unless that person consented to not wanting to know that kind of information beforehand, you have to tell them if something in the relationship changed. Just my thoughts, not gospel

That pretty much aligns with my own beliefs. Possibly why it hurt so much to be kept in the dark. And yes, they are very aware of how important open communication is to me (because I communicate 🤦🏼‍♀️)

[Ma****]

I think it heavily depends on what you mean by play?

Is this nonsexual BDSM play? If so dont think it is particularly important. Would be nice, though.

But if there is sexual play, then absolutely!
Absolutely,
And weather or not that new sexual play partner is also open, or not--and if that changes, too.

[Ba****]

3 minutes ago, Marshal83 said:

I think it heavily depends on what you mean by play?

Is this nonsexual BDSM play? If so dont think it is particularly important. Would be nice, though.

But if there is sexual play, then absolutely!
Absolutely,
And weather or not that new sexual play partner is also open, or not--and if that changes, too.

It’s non sexual play that has been ongoing over 18 months. I considered them my best friend. The new dynamic isn’t just a play partner, it’s a dynamic and thus they have ended our partnership (for lack of a better word) without bothering to tell me. Do you really consider that ethical or empathetic or kind or decent?

[do****]

6 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

It’s non sexual play that has been ongoing over 18 months. I considered them my best friend. The new dynamic isn’t just a play partner, it’s a dynamic and thus they have ended our partnership (for lack of a better word) without bothering to tell me. Do you really consider that ethical or empathetic or kind or decent?

That was disrespectful. 18 months is not a ONS. Even though it's was nonsexual, energy was exchanged and bonding was developed. A conversation should of been had with you, even if it was just to say goodbye. I would go even further to state, because this is what I do, if I start talking to another female I alert any other female I'm talking to in the event the new one is more compatible than the old and ties have to be severed. No one is surprised. Open communication is the only route that works for me. Less drama that way. You should of been put on noticed so when this happened it wouldn't of been a surprised and hurt less. Empathy goes a long way

[Fu****]

TLDR: Most people ask questions seeking validation, not an honest reaction to the situation. If you only want validation, stop here.

Whose decision was it to "just be friends"? While your dynamic wasn't sexual, they likely were hoping it could eventually transition into one.

Your question was, "Do you owe it to them to inform them of your new dynamic?" No. You don't OWE them anything. However, wouldn't you normally tell your "best friend" anyway?

Any level of bdsm play is inherently an intimate experience, even if it isn't sexual. You still don't owe them anything. By the same token, they owe you anything either. Including an explanation of the details of ending the friendship or doing it in person.

It might feel better for YOU if they talked it over with you. Keep in mind that ending things likely was more ***ful for them. While not necessarily justified, they likely felt betrayed. Maybe they felt there was an unspoken agreement that they were next in line. Would talking about everyone's feelings change the situation? No. So what is their motivation?

Also, what was your primary communication style? Did you mostly talk over the phone or texting? If it was primarily text, I don't see the problem with communicating the end of the "relationship" that way. Even if you both felt that ending romantic relationships should be done in person, you didn't have a romantic relationship.

[Ba****]

38 minutes ago, Fun_ToyZ said:

TLDR: Most people ask questions seeking validation, not an honest reaction to the situation. If you only want validation, stop here.

Whose decision was it to "just be friends"? While your dynamic wasn't sexual, they likely were hoping it could eventually transition into one.

Your question was, "Do you owe it to them to inform them of your new dynamic?" No. You don't OWE them anything. However, wouldn't you normally tell your "best friend" anyway?

Any level of bdsm play is inherently an intimate experience, even if it isn't sexual. You still don't owe them anything. By the same token, they owe you anything either. Including an explanation of the details of ending the friendship or doing it in person.

It might feel better for YOU if they talked it over with you. Keep in mind that ending things likely was more ***ful for them. While not necessarily justified, they likely felt betrayed. Maybe they felt there was an unspoken agreement that they were next in line. Would talking about everyone's feelings change the situation? No. So what is their motivation?

Also, what was your primary communication style? Did you mostly talk over the phone or texting? If it was primarily text, I don't see the problem with communicating the end of the "relationship" that way. Even if you both felt that ending romantic relationships should be done in person, you didn't have a romantic relationship.

Our primary communication was either text or in person. And you’re right, I would have felt better had they spoken to me ahead of time. That I didn’t know they were even looking for a new partner has stung. Perhaps feelings, perhaps ego. I have always been clear with them that I was not looking for anything more than friendship and non sexual play with them to mitigate any expectations of more.

[GspotGuru]

Despite it not being sexual play, there was ongoing BDSM play wirh bonding, trust and emotions developed over time, so there was energy exchange, consent and connection. Therefore unless it was discussed there could or would be a total  switch or end, then no notice is not ethical unless some pre existing or agreed upon basis for ending was communicated mutually and agreed upon. ENM is having clear ethical boundaries in agreement. Not responding to inquiries about one’s health and safety is not healthy for both and is unnecessarily hurtful as an unexpected break in emotional bond without providing minimal understanding, reason, fact or justification .  
 

Communication is always an essential element of any successful relationship, and has been a foundational stabilizing factor in BDSM to enable maximum consent, understanding and deeper relationships. 
 

I’ve mentored many DOMs and subs, and promote a D/s contract to establish communication rules, methods, expectations , hard limits, positive and negative triggers, identify past traumas, and safe words and signals , so there is CLARITY. Because all relationships are hard , people make mistakes on both sides and having a contract doesn’t guarantee continuous success but can aid improvement, growth when the *** and updated and established a common ground of consent. 

I wish you a heartfelt recovery! And remember that the human experience is to keep learning! Forgiveness is a powerful and healthy process that can be the***utic for one’s self and partner/s.