MarkinArk Posted September 13 Posted September 13 My new sub has been in training for about a month. She knew my week was stressful and today was VERY important to me professionally, but she hasn’t bothered to text or call me. My question is, how should I punish her? She needs to know what she did wrong. Any recommendations? I don’t want to be too hard on her, but there should be consequences.
do**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Just simply tell her,”this is for serious inquiries ONLY! Don’t waste my time!”something like that,or be nicer and be like, “so do you still want to do this?are you ready to be a sub?”
Ma**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 I would never ever forget to check on my daddy… This is unacceptable for a sub who clearly understands the importance of your day
Blacksmith Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Why punish? Why is it wrong? If you are so focused on you and your work, they may actually be giving you space to do something not connected with kink. You don’t seem to have degrees of separation between kink and normal life, how can you manage to train when you don’t create a safe space away from kink? Perhaps just a reasonable conversation with them and try to understand their perspective. Good luck to you both.
Si**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 You can't really administer a punishment unless there are rules regarding texting. She may know the importance of your week and so didn't want to bother you. It's up to you as the Dom to establish clear rules and expectations.
Se**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 18 minutes ago, SirBDSM71 said: You can't really administer a punishment unless there are rules regarding texting. She may know the importance of your week and so didn't want to bother you. It's up to you as the Dom to establish clear rules and expectations. What he said! If you didn’t discuss rules and expectations then you can’t punish her for something you wanted/expected but didn’t receive. I’m afraid (unless you did explicitly discuss contact) that the error is yours.
TheBookCollector Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Believe it or not BDSM isnt just about you. If communication was important why didnt you drop her a message saying you where feeling a bit stressed but needed to talk? As for punishing her, why, if you told, or implied to, her not to contact you this week then why should she be punished, especially if she was just giving you space.
th**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 I'm sorry but this question...😳Is it for real? I mean, I want to ask you what you think the promary dynamic of a dom/sub relationship. The Dom's job is to take control, to be clear about what you want and expect it to happen. In return for the sub trusting a dom to willingly give away control, they are no longer responsible for their actions. If you tell your "sub" you have a big week what were you expecting? Did you give instructions for her to ring. Did you say when. Did you in any way communicate any of this to her. If not, then we have a major problem with labelling. She's not a sub because you're expecting her to make decisions without input. Your scenario is gaslighting, plain and simple. And if you're dom why do you need to ask what to do. It's almost you've tried to think of a question to ask conspiratorially. But you sound like a whiney little school boy. In future, be the man: tell her about your week; tell her what you would believe her role in it is; tell her when; how; what to say; and what reward there is for her. THEN you can start talking about punishments. PS. All that aside, hope your important week went well. New paper round? 😉
Ba**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Did you clearly articulate this was expected? If I knew my Dominant had a busy and important day, I’d probably check in first thing (assuming our wake up times were similar) and then leave him to it. If you haven’t articulated it, you have no right to punish your sub. Especially if they’re new and learning.
TheBookCollector Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Just checked out the ops profile.and his status shows hes no dominant but an entitled, spoiled little man child.
CopperKnob Posted September 15 Posted September 15 If you're calling them 'useless' I'd end the relationship. Better yet, if they're on this app, let me know who they are so I can tell them and they can end it. As others have said, they're a sub in 'training' maybe 'train' better 🤷♀️
th**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 I think a scan of his profile all the way to his comments is very illuminating. Two things I have trouble with.. The first maybe lost in translation a little but I am suspicious of men who always women "ladies". In the singular as a descriptive word - saying a woman is a lady - in England it suggest classy. But in general it feels a little misogynistic. A woman can do what she wants without *** nor favour. A lady is restrictive. They used to say to girls who stood up for themselves that they were not very ladylike. It's a bit dog whistle for me.. And constant messages to every female to message because wants classy ladies to talk nasty to him and share pictures. The man is a boy is a wanker.
No**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 I can see how you would be upset that she didn’t reach out to ask you about your important day. But also what’s going on in her life? She might have something going on that made her forget. We are all human. Nobody is perfect. Before you implement up punishment, maybe you should reach out to her and find out what’s going on.
bu**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 If you didn’t set your expectations and she didn’t set her boundaries at the beginning of the relationship you should not expect to be able to punish her for her lack of communication when you aren’t even trying to communicate with her about what went wrong. Consequences only should happen when there is a clear understanding of expectations and duties of a sub that are not being met.
MarkinArk Posted September 15 Author Posted September 15 Just a quick update. I should’ve added that I am a new Dom. I was legitimately looking for advice and recommendations. We discussed it and she knows that I was upset about her not reaching out to me. I made her punishment fun, because I’m not a dick. some of you have provided helpful comments for me to think about as I continue to learn. Some of you are just online assholes, but thank you all for your assistance.
bu**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 It’s good that you discussed it with her. Hopefully the advice others have shared be helpful
TheBookCollector Posted September 15 Posted September 15 1 minute ago, MarkinArk said: Just a quick update. I should’ve added that I am a new Dom. I was legitimately looking for advice and recommendations. We discussed it and she knows that I was upset about her not reaching out to me. I made her punishment fun, because I’m not a dick. some of you have provided helpful comments for me to think about as I continue to learn. Some of you are just online assholes, but thank you all for your assistance. Interesting that you made it her problem rather than taking ownership of it for not properly communicating what was required from her, that really is a dick move.
th**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 Just remember simple fundamental rule: it's not about you, it's about her
CopperKnob Posted September 15 Posted September 15 20 minutes ago, MarkinArk said: Just a quick update. I should’ve added that I am a new Dom. I was legitimately looking for advice and recommendations. We discussed it and she knows that I was upset about her not reaching out to me. I made her punishment fun, because I’m not a dick. some of you have provided helpful comments for me to think about as I continue to learn. Some of you are just online assholes, but thank you all for your assistance. You know, a better response would have been, "I've read the responses and appreciate that I got this situation wrong".
ey**** Posted September 15 Posted September 15 There's assorted things to consider about punishments - for future references - it is unfair to punish someone for something they didn't know (or couldn't have known) was wrong. Punishing someone for something they didn't know was wrong, is ***. - you should have a idea of your partners limits and boundaries - they should be considered with punishments. There are harder players/arrangements where anything goes come punishment time, however especially as you are a new Dominant - these should be within limits and boundaries, it may even be a case of pre-agreeing punishments and what constitutes as such - in cases like the above - communication goes both ways, knowing you were under a lot of stress she may have felt you needed space : it feels like the failure of communication was on you, for not communicating your needs. - with this in mind, no matter how 'fun' you made the punishment - you were still in the wrong for administering one, you are potentially punishing her due to your inexperience and failure to communicate rather than something she actually did wrong. - asking strangers on the internet how to punish a sub is fairly weak in most cases, it shows that you haven't learnt and communicated enough with your sub - obviously no one is born into things being an expert in all things kink and most people will get things wrong at times. You need to be able to accept you will get things wrong at times and both grow from it, and learn how to make things right. - this said, obviously it's disappointing you didn't get the text or call, but apparent anger is not a healthy coping method
th**** Posted September 16 Posted September 16 I'm a bit of a word geek by trade. Is punishment the right word. It translates as a retribution which is a very negative word and doesn't describe what you're trying to achieve. Discipline is a much more apt word to use: it means the practice of training people to obey rules. Collaborative, positive and handily parallel to a master teaching a student. It would be easy to dismiss the suggestion by saying: "what does it matter". But words do matter more than you would think. We subliminally pick that the former is negative and foments distrust; the latter is communal and encourages all parties to learn from the process. Try putting both in an explanation about to your sub about why and what the punishment is, and it will be difficult to explain why the punishment is beneficial. Try it with discipline and it naturally leans towards a teaching experience. Which is what you're after. There is a very good reason why you don't have a punishment process at work but a disciplinary process. I'll get my coat..
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