What do you get out of BDSM, and how do you switch it off when it gets too much?

[Deleted Member]

Why do I love BDSM so much?  

• Because I’m a sensory being, and it heightens my senses to HOLY FUCK levels. 
• Because it allows me to communicate through touch and sound, without the need for words. 
• Because I’m impulsive and irrational, and attracted to discipline and structure as a counterpoint to my natural inclinations. 
• Because it gives me access to deeper states of awareness and altered consciousness, which previously were only available to me through hallucinatory ***. 

 

But BDSM can become the drug... 

Once I’ve activated my arousal, I can spin for days, surfing a wave of sensory delight that is close to being in a continuous full-body orgasm. It’s intoxicating and the drop is HARD, when it comes. 

You’ll often hear people saying BDSM is not about sex. That’s true. But I think it is always about desire, or power.
For me, it’s always about being fully in my senses. Being allowed to be myself in a way that the vanilla world doesn’t permit. 

 

I often wonder what other people are getting from it, or how their experience is different from mine. Would they describe it the same way? 

 

The one perspective I still find hardest to grasp is that of the Dominant, and what they get from their role. I’ve heard talk of Dom space, but I don’t think it’s anything quite as beautiful as subspace. Am I’m wrong? 

It’s quite possible that many Dominants get their kick from giving. I have known some lovely Dom/mes who derived a heck of a lot of pleasure from the giving of pleasure to their subs. People who loved to watch the face of their lover during orgasm, or while they’re drifting into subspace. 

 

Then there’s the argument that Dominants get their kicks from being sadistic. That’s a complex one to unpack. What is Sadism, really? I think it’s still more about giving than receiving. A person who gets a kick out of a physical wound or suffering is just a psycho. The Dominants I’ve known are not motivated by that. They’re not psychos, for the most part. So what am I missing? I've heard some pretty good answers from people, but I always want to hear this one more. What do you get from hurting me, humiliating me? 
 

Submissives are greedy. Once we’ve tried the drug, we want more. Then more. Always demanding a fresh hit from our Dominant. How does anyone put up with us? 
Is that what sadism is for? Is it the only way to shut us up and switch us off? But you have to find the right off switch, as sometimes what you think is an off switch is actually a faster/harder switch!  

 

<I'm rambling> 
This week, someone helped me find my off switch as BDSM was getting in the way of life. 
It meant taking a full break from here for 4 days. 
When it began, I had no idea that would happen. But I trusted him. I told him what was happening with me. I gave him my password and he locked me out. 

Yeah, I could have done a forgotten password request to get back in. But I wanted to allow the experience to unfold. Being a submissive person, that's how I get my kicks. Opening, allowing and being receptive. When people say that BDSM doesn't have to be about SEX, they're right. It's about how you live as a person. 
This week was exquisite, in a different way. 

When the frenzy had subsided, it allowed me to consider what I really want. I wish the answers were more straightforward. But perhaps I realize that there are some things I thought I wanted which I DON'T want. lol. 

 

But... this is still my raison d'être and what I love most about BDSM: 

To let myself go

To let myself flow

Is the only way of being

There's no use telling me

There's no use taking a step back

A step back for me...

 

p.s. I'll be locked out again this week. See you next Friday. 

[Ar****]

You might be rambling, but it's in a coherent, interesting and enjoyable way. Please - don't ever stop that. 

 

For me there are three things I get out of being a Dom. You've mentioned the first, and that's the giving. I want my partner satisfied, and that is in any relationship whether it is a BDSM one or not (although I'm not sure if I could ever go back to vanilla now). When I am with a sub and I know that they are genuinely thrilled by the way I am treating them, that they enjoy their limits being explored and tested, that I am giving them that special experience they crave which they cannot have with a "regular" partner, bringing them that pleasure (even if it is through an act which on the surface may appear unpleasureable) makes me happy.

 

The second is the bond forged in the experience. I don't need to explain to you or most people here what the intimacy is like. I am an emotional and empathic person, and I can't get enough "closeness". I thrive on any experience where I feel more connected to another, and I'm not sure I ever feel more connected to somebody than when they are submitting completely, putting their entire trust in me.

 

Which leads nicely onto my third reason. Being chosen as a Dom/me honours and flatters me. I deeply appreciate the value of that decision when a sub elects to take me as hers; to me there can be no higher tribute than to trust me so wholly, and although I am not a vain or egotistical person it does give my ego an undeniable rub - but in a way which moves me, rather than be a negative thing. It compels me to care for that person even more, reciprocate and honour that trust, and in turn the aforementioned bond grows deeper and stronger (which in turn leads to more intense experiences, and so the cycle goes on).

[Wo****]

Love, love, love, LOVE this post!

I'm crying right now, reading it, especially after the chat we had about our needs to feel that submission. No idea why but it hit a nerve somewhere, it really did.

Rose, honey, you'll know what i mean by this i think.. this post has somehow made it all clearer for me. It makes sense of some things for me..

 

What do i get out of bdsm? Release.

It allows me to let go of my emotional *** through physical ***. I am a hardcore masochist, i have a lot of emotional ***.

I have found myself through bdsm and dealt with things that it's taken me a lifetime to process.

 

[Deleted Member]

20 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

You might be rambling, but it's in a coherent, interesting and enjoyable way. Please - don't ever stop that. 

 

For me there are three things I get out of being a Dom. You've mentioned the first, and that's the giving. I want my partner satisfied, and that is in any relationship whether it is a BDSM one or not (although I'm not sure if I could ever go back to vanilla now). When I am with a sub and I know that they are genuinely thrilled by the way I am treating them, that they enjoy their limits being explored and tested, that I am giving them that special experience they crave which they cannot have with a "regular" partner, bringing them that pleasure (even if it is through an act which on the surface may appear unpleasureable) makes me happy.

 

The second is the bond forged in the experience. I don't need to explain to you or most people here what the intimacy is like. I am an emotional and empathic person, and I can't get enough "closeness". I thrive on any experience where I feel more connected to another, and I'm not sure I ever feel more connected to somebody than when they are submitting completely, putting their entire trust in me.

 

Which leads nicely onto my third reason. Being chosen as a Dom/me honours and flatters me. I deeply appreciate the value of that decision when a sub elects to take me as hers; to me there can be no higher tribute than to trust me so wholly, and although I am not a vain or egotistical person it does give my ego an undeniable rub - but in a way which moves me, rather than be a negative thing. It compels me to care for that person even more, reciprocate and honour that trust, and in turn the aforementioned bond grows deeper and stronger (which in turn leads to more intense experiences, and so the cycle goes on).

 

Well, what a beautiful answer! 

So glad I asked now. 

I'd forgotten about the beauty of the bond that is forged and the heights of intimacy. Damn. Not had that in a long time and it doesn't come in so much with occasional play.  

I'm glad you would feel honoured. I think that's valid and worthwhile. 

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Love, love, love, LOVE this post!

I'm crying right now, reading it, especially after the chat we had about our needs to feel that submission. No idea why but it hit a nerve somewhere, it really did.

Rose, honey, you'll know what i mean by this i think.. this post has somehow made it all clearer for me. It makes sense of some things for me..

What do i get out of bdsm? Release.

It allows me to let go of my emotional *** through physical ***. I am a hardcore masochist, i have a lot of emotional ***.

I have found myself through bdsm and dealt with things that it's taken me a lifetime to process.

 

 

Hey love, I'm happy for you. Tears and release are sooooo good. One of my favourite things is having a Dom/Master who understands that and can make me cry. 

If it's made it clearer for you, I'm very glad. 

Do you ever do any self-inflicted masochism when you're away from Pirate? Like, he could set you some homework tasks. I knew a lady who use to be very good at using the crop on herself and flogging her cunt. I cannot even imagine that level of commitment! xxx

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Aranhis said:

You might be rambling, but it's in a coherent, interesting and enjoyable way. Please - don't ever stop that. 

 

For me there are three things I get out of being a Dom. You've mentioned the first, and that's the giving. I want my partner satisfied, and that is in any relationship whether it is a BDSM one or not (although I'm not sure if I could ever go back to vanilla now). When I am with a sub and I know that they are genuinely thrilled by the way I am treating them, that they enjoy their limits being explored and tested, that I am giving them that special experience they crave which they cannot have with a "regular" partner, bringing them that pleasure (even if it is through an act which on the surface may appear unpleasureable) makes me happy.

 

The second is the bond forged in the experience. I don't need to explain to you or most people here what the intimacy is like. I am an emotional and empathic person, and I can't get enough "closeness". I thrive on any experience where I feel more connected to another, and I'm not sure I ever feel more connected to somebody than when they are submitting completely, putting their entire trust in me.

 

Which leads nicely onto my third reason. Being chosen as a Dom/me honours and flatters me. I deeply appreciate the value of that decision when a sub elects to take me as hers; to me there can be no higher tribute than to trust me so wholly, and although I am not a vain or egotistical person it does give my ego an undeniable rub - but in a way which moves me, rather than be a negative thing. It compels me to care for that person even more, reciprocate and honour that trust, and in turn the aforementioned bond grows deeper and stronger (which in turn leads to more intense experiences, and so the cycle goes on).

I thought getting a reply to white_rose question but no need now I am covered! cheers mate!

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, white_rose said:

The one perspective I still find hardest to grasp is that of the Dominant, and what they get from their role. I’ve heard talk of Dom space, but I don’t think it’s anything quite as beautiful as subspace. Am I’m wrong? 

I’ve discovered only fairly recently that I think I am a true switch. I seem to get equal pleasure out of being in a top or a bottom position. I’m one of those fortunate people that has experienced both subspace and topspace, or “Dom space”, as you call it. The former I’ve experienced recently, the latter I experienced to what I would consider to be full effect only once, 17 years ago. When I say full effect, I mean that I had a complete out of body experience to rival that level of intensity that I have experienced in subspace. But I was very much in the dominant role when it happened, and my play partner at the time was very much away on a different planet herself, in her own version of subspace.

Since then, I have experienced extremely intense emotions and feelings in topspace, but they’ve never been as intense as the aforementioned experience I had a long time ago. I don’t think that’s just simply a case of the first time was so different that it can’t be replicated. Because I’ve had experiences of varying levels of intensity in subspace, some of which have been way more intense than the very first experience I had of it. So I feel very confident and certain in my own mind that there will come a point where I experience topspace to a level of intensity that is even greater than the most intense experience I’ve ever had of subspace. It’s just a case of being with the right person in the right situation at the right time.

So your question was: ”is topspace as “beautiful” as subspace?” Well I guess that depends on your perspective. For me, the two are extremely different. But both have been equally as rewarding, In both cases, it has taken me several days to come down from the high that I have been on. And actually a full week to recover completely back to normality.

It’s my opinion and certainly my experience that when you end up in such an intensely deep and emotionally involving state of altered consciousness, the endorphins that are released into your body, the natural *** that take you to this amazingly fantastical place, do take quite a few days to subside. It’s almost like you have an overdose of endorphins. What an incredible feeling!

I’ve often wondered if genetics plays a part. Are some people genetically predisposed to be able to enjoy these mega levels of intensity in their experiences with play, particularly when it’s kinky play? Is it genetics that plays a part in the fact that some women would find it extremely difficult to orgasm whereas some seem to be able to achieve the big O just by thinking about something. Or even by not having to think about it at all sometimes!

I wonder if diet plays a part too: there was a really interesting documentary on Netflix recently called “The game changers”. Whilst this was predominantly about investigating the differences between meat-based diets and plant-based diet, there was an interesting experiment that measured the strength, intensity and duration of nocturnal erections in men. One group had eaten a meat dish the night before and another group had eaten just a plant-based meal. The differences were astounding. Look it up on Netflix. It’s a really interesting watch. but it makes me wonder whether the same principles apply to the level of intensity that we experience with orgasm also. Is it going to lay the foundations for a potentially stronger physiological experience or a deeper emotional experience if we stay off the meat? I don’t know. But it’s certainly thought-provoking.

Of course, we’re all very different, within our species, aren’t we? The differences between the male and female responses are well known and even within the same sex, people experience things very differently. So I’m sure that for some people, topspace will be just as “beautiful“ as subspace, as it is for me. For other people their experiences will doubtless be different.

[Deleted Member]

In my experience, of veganism, yes! Better orgasms.

[li****]

I think one of the biggest things I get out of BDSM is that I have control and a say in what I can do, limits safe words ect. It's all consensual when in my past relationship I never had a say or could do anything without the *** of what he would do to me. The feelings I get after play with Sir are the best ever that like many have said that you don't get in a vanilla relationship so to speak, those feelings of closeness and love and more importantly that feeling of being safe in his hands and feeling safe in his arms when he gives me aftercare is amazing feeling. I've been in sub space only a few times and that feeling is so so good but the drop effected me so much after but with the right aftercare from Sir and even my own self care got me through it. I think the main misconception that like you say most newer people that come through this site think BDSM is all about sex and yes for some it can be but for the most part it's not all about sex, I think the mind/brain is the most amazing powerful sexual organ when it comes to BDSM ect. Oh definitely us subs are gready in that we want more during play i'd go on and play for ages but Sir always knows when to stop ect he knows when I've had too much and will stop and cool down the play as me I'd go on further I definitely feel it's like a drug and always wanting more it's understandable with what happens in play the endorphins it releases. Sir has a bit of sadist in him as I think most Dom's do but he's always said it's the fact that yes he gets off on the giving me pleasure more so than getting his pleasure.

[Wo****]

3 hours ago, white_rose said:

 

Hey love, I'm happy for you. Tears and release are sooooo good. One of my favourite things is having a Dom/Master who understands that and can make me cry. 

If it's made it clearer for you, I'm very glad. 

Do you ever do any self-inflicted masochism when you're away from Pirate? Like, he could set you some homework tasks. I knew a lady who use to be very good at using the crop on herself and flogging her cunt. I cannot even imagine that level of commitment! xxx

We have done stuff in the past where he's told me to slap my breasts or pussy. That was a lot of fun tbh. Alas, I don't own a crop (have a paddle though)

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, white_rose said:

In my experience, of veganism, yes! Better orgasms.

Wow! That kind of confirms what was being said in the aforementioned documentary. Fascinating. I’ve tried this too. Staying off the meat for a couple of days. The difference in sensation and intensity, not to mention the “quality”of erections, was very noticeable. 

In the documentary, they actually centrifuged the test subjects’ *** samples. In those that stayed off the meat for the previous day, the plasma that settled out at the top of the sample was completely translucent. In those that had eaten meat, even very lean meat, it was cloudy. The difference in performance athletically was very noticeable. The test subjects also reported that they felt less fatigue, more vitality, more stamina and many other benefits. I think I might have to become vegan! 

[Ar****]

45 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

We have done stuff in the past where he's told me to slap my breasts or pussy. That was a lot of fun tbh. Alas, I don't own a crop (have a paddle though)

When I've had online-only subs that's been one of the first things I've had them do. I'm a huge fan of improvisation - kitchen spatulas fill a splendid niche somewhere between a crop and a paddle.

[Deleted Member]

55 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

When I've had online-only subs that's been one of the first things I've had them do. I'm a huge fan of improvisation - kitchen spatulas fill a splendid niche somewhere between a crop and a paddle.

You've ruined my kitchen spatulas for me now. I'll never bake an innocent cake again. 

 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Fredddy said:

Wow! That kind of confirms what was being said in the aforementioned documentary. Fascinating. I’ve tried this too. Staying off the meat for a couple of days. The difference in sensation and intensity, not to mention the “quality”of erections, was very noticeable. 

In the documentary, they actually centrifuged the test subjects’ *** samples. In those that stayed off the meat for the previous day, the plasma that settled out at the top of the sample was completely translucent. In those that had eaten meat, even very lean meat, it was cloudy. The difference in performance athletically was very noticeable. The test subjects also reported that they felt less fatigue, more vitality, more stamina and many other benefits. I think I might have to become vegan! 

There's a load of spiritual reasons to not eat meat, and that's why your sensations and intensity improve when you abstain from *** products. 

I don't know about the science, but it's interesting to hear. 

I can confirm that vegan spunk tastes so much nicer, too. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, white_rose said:

I can confirm that vegan spunk tastes so much nicer, too. 

Less salty, perhaps? Less fat content? What about the lubricity properties?

Sorry to hark on about it, but in that documentary, they were saying that really, ***s are only a middleman for the protein. There had been a long held fallacy that you need to eat lots of lean meat to get the necessary protein to build muscle, but one of the participants in the documentary was a bodybuilder who became a world champion and he had a completely vegan diet. So it just goes to show that you don’t need meat in your diet to gain the necessary amount of protein. All the protein in beef, lamb, pork and chicken all comes from plants, doesn’t it? So they are just a middleman.

But Rose, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard anybody confirm my own experiences of abstaining from meat with regards to sexual sensitivity and performance. It’s a really very interesting subject...

[Deleted Member]

It is interesting. Perhaps the Vegan Society should use it in their marketing material to persuade more men to give up meat? 

[Deleted Member]

Well if you get a few minutes, well, an hour and a half or more, to check out that documentary on Netflix, it really is very thought-provoking. It made our family seriously consider cutting meat out of our diet altogether. There are so many reasons to give up mate, not least of which is protecting the planet, given the amount of carbon dioxide that is produced by the meat industry. It completely turns on its head they previously accepted thinking within the sports community. Absolutely fascinating. I was blown away by it.

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, white_rose said:

There's a load of spiritual reasons to not eat meat, and that's why your sensations and intensity improve when you abstain from *** products. 

I don't know about the science, but it's interesting to hear. 

I can confirm that vegan spunk tastes so much nicer, too. 

Pineapple helps too.

[Ar****]

32 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Pineapple helps too.

Haha I was considering mentioning this myself, truth 😂👍

[CalmInquisitor1552]

Wow, newbie here but thanks so much for this topic!

 Just wanted to show my appreciation.  @white_rose , actually I've found all your topics interesting and helpful as I've explored this party my myself.  I love how you explore the psychology of it.

I once wrote a poem of what I like about BDSM in my profile for those interested.  Alot of it is devouring those little emotions through the sounds and facial expressions which get released.  I don't know why I find this such a "spark" in life.  Plus someone follow my leadership is always attractive.

The Sex Explained on Netflix offers some compelling data that the attraction to BDSM helps us as humans balance our ourselves when we have a professional life which ***s us into an undesired role.

@Freddy I happen to be a plant-based vegan in training.  Searching for the formula of diet, physical activity and social support to substain a long quality life for myself and those around me.  I see alot of appeal in a plant based diet for BDSM.  You touched on *** flow but healing properties and performance I think are also part of it.

 

This is probably my favorite topic ever! 🥰

[Deleted Member]

I think with time your idea about what you get out of bdsm change. I remember the first time and it was very intense, confusing as I wanted to do everything I dreamed and fantasised with the sub who accepted me. She was more nervous than me which help me to eventually calmed down and focused on my session. It was surreal as I was keeping thinking how lucky i was to finally find someone who was willing to let me tied up.

So the felling that stay over the years are the trust and control I get from the women who put their life in my hands and ropes, belt, whip, paddles, chains etc lol

I don't think I cant switch off much, I was on holidays skiing recently but still have to come and check on here and of course chat with my sub. Its not that its a drug, its just part of me, half of me or maybe 35% not sure lol

and I afraid I had to confess I do enjoy inflicting *** to my sub, maybe I am one of the psycho type who control himself ;) 

 

[Deleted Member]

On 1/19/2020 at 2:04 PM, CalmInquisitor1552 said:

Wow, newbie here but thanks so much for this topic!

 Just wanted to show my appreciation.  @white_rose , actually I've found all your topics interesting and helpful as I've explored this party my myself.  I love how you explore the psychology of it.

I once wrote a poem of what I like about BDSM in my profile for those interested.  Alot of it is devouring those little emotions through the sounds and facial expressions which get released.  I don't know why I find this such a "spark" in life.  Plus someone follow my leadership is always attractive.

The Sex Explained on Netflix offers some compelling data that the attraction to BDSM helps us as humans balance our ourselves when we have a professional life which ***s us into an undesired role.

@Freddy I happen to be a plant-based vegan in training.  Searching for the formula of diet, physical activity and social support to substain a long quality life for myself and those around me.  I see alot of appeal in a plant based diet for BDSM.  You touched on *** flow but healing properties and performance I think are also part of it.

This is probably my favorite topic ever! 🥰

 

 

Hi @CalmInquisitor1552 thanks for your enthusiastic response. So glad you like the topic. 

BDSM is all about the psychology for me. I love how it allows us to reveal hidden parts of ourselves, and to express our characters in different ways. It allows me to be myself in a way that I can't be in the vanilla world. Things I thought were unacceptable about me for so many years!  Imagine discovering that there are people who actually treasure those aspects of my character, desire them. Yeah, it's all too good.