How to Dom when you find out your partner is a sub.

[Deleted Member]

Hi everyone, Excuse the fact that I have no profile content.. I have to hide my details for the moment, as I don't want my partner to possibly notice. My question is, after splitting from my partner of four years, we have had descussions and even though she had previously inclinated an interest in Bdsm as a sub, I never really understood it or took on the role of being a Dom. So here I am, looking to mend the trust and rekindle our battered relationship. I guess any given Bdsm relationship that evolves the male being Dom has the dynamics that she is submissive but the event is orchestrated to tap into a woman's desires, fantasies and not just the dull physical act of porno sex, which can be void of imagination.. In saying this, would it be fair to say that true control exists with her, and The Dom plays the role of delivering these fantasies with imagination, timing, and a bit of the unknown factor. What is the best head space to have as a Dom, the best level to start and the best fantasies that really excite women? Of course comments from women who be beneficial.. 

Thanks

 

Edited January 21, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Wo****]

Best head space for a Dom? In his subs. It's a difficult to answer, really, because what drives people is as unique as they are. Submission is something that is given not taken. It's earnt. You have to build the D/s dynamic. Communicate.

[ey****]

I think something extremely important to take on board.

Are you actually a Dominant? Are you actually interested in being a Dom? Are you interested in BDSM?

There is zero issue if the answers to any of those are 'no' - but, if this is something you want to try in order to save/resurrect a relationship it has a horrible risk of breeding resentment : if you're going out of your way to learn/do things for her this may make you feel put out

but, also, if you are being a Dominant 'for her' then she may feel it lacks the authenticity and would be doomed to fail anyway.

You need serious conversations together on what you'd both like and how/if you can make things work

[gibo94]

As always eyemblacksheep has perfect advice. I couldn’t image me not being a Dom so I’m not sure how to give you advice on how to be Dom as it is just something I am not something I do.

[Deleted Member]

You are right in saying true control exists with her. As a Dom you are playing the role of something she wants, in a way you are submitting to her desire to being dominated. In terms of the right headspace to adopt, as above it really depends on the dynamic, but there is an important baseline. First and foremost you should have your partners safety in mind, both physically and emotionally, establish limits and a safe word. Do your research and understand the dangers of BDSM (nerve damage from rope, improper choking technique, etc) and afterwards give her aftercare! This is something a lot of ‘Doms’ forget, don’t, it’s really important! Best level to start? I’d say bondage is the as good an entry point as any. Tie and tease, take your time and see what she likes. Best fantasies that really excite women: I’m speaking from a dominant male perspective but I’d say these are common fantasies. Bondage - don’t buy the handcuffs with the release mechanism, get something that she really couldn’t escape, it will work on her psychologically. A hog tie kit (cuffs not rope) is a good place to start and is the basis of most affordable bondage sets. Punishment dynamics - establish a set of rules for a scene, with consequences if she breaks one, if she’s like most subs, she’ll have a bit of bratty ness in her and will break them on purpose to see how you react, Punish her, start soft and build up, impact toys can do serious damage. Approach this last suggestion with some caution, a great many people have ‘***d’ fantasies. On the extreme side it’s CNC, but just starting out it can be a simple role play. Ask her if that is something she has fantasised about, if so, set up a role play scenario (WITH A SAFE WORD!!!) don’t go near actual CNC until you are both more experienced.

[Vandalslut]

Hi, Joe90-999.  Well done you, for asking advice and you've come to the best place.  Eyemblacksheep is right - be a Dom for you because that's what you are.  Don't try and do it just for her or it WILL fail. If you've established that you are pleased/excited/eager to be a Dom then communicate, communicate, communicate and then communicate some more. Write it all down and discuss it. Yes, her submission to you is the key factor and is hers to give.  It is a gift and it's a gift to be valued.  It's not a Dom's right to take. It's a case of the Sub maketh the Dom, really.  Establish the fantasies, hers AND yours and don't engage in any unless you're both comfortable with trying them out or it WILL lack authenticity.  And bear in mind that sometimes the fantasy is not what either of you think it will be.  This is OK - it just may need some adjustment to be a rip roaring success. It's not a fail. Write down things you're both interested in trying out.  Scenes. Roleplays. Costumes?  Stockings? Corsets? Saucy nightwear?   Decide hard and soft limits - both yours and hers - this is very important.  DominantChap makes a very excellent point about easily-escapable bondage - something a sub can't get out of will work on her pyschologically - for me it was the sudden and somewhat ***ful realisation that the fantasies we'd decided to try were now suddenly real - not just a lot of flirty-dirty talk - and the Vandal Lord could do what he wanted and I'd have to take it. (within limits and with safe words, of course!) Because I drop into sub-space practically instantly, it doesn't occur to me that 'anything could happen' isn't a possibility because we have our understood limits.  These can be changed as time goes on, of course. This may sound like a ton of work but it's worth the effort, and you won't 'get it right' the first time - she needs to understand that and be patient.  So do you. Do start simply - DominantChap's idea of a hog tie kit is ideal (You can't get out of them, I ought to know!) and Aranhis tipped me off to some very decent handcuffs available on ebay for about AUD 40.00 (after I experienced an orgasm that broke one set of our handcuffs...) - a lot of those for sale through web shops do have a release catch and they'll take away from the reality very fast.

You're making a very good approach to this - BDSM is so much more than what you describe as dull porno sex.  It's often portrayed as that but it's much more.  Imagination, timing, a bit of the unknown - you've got it!  The rest of the Dom head-space, I would say, is that he is content and comfortable as a Dom; he understands that he is receiving a gift that is NOT given lightly; that he DOES NOT get to do 'whatever he wants'; and you could ask 100 submissive women what their fantasy is and you'll get 100 different answers. Ask your partner what hers are!

There's some excellent magazine articles in this site, well written and very sensible, even an article on bondage on a budget, which is worth reading if you don't want to spend too much before you decide if this is for you.  There's plenty of very approachable folks in here as well.  Good luck!  And do feel free to send us a PM if you'd like any further information.  The Vandal Lord and I have been together 32 years.