When you Say Stop , Do you Really Mean Stop ?

[Be****]

P.s , Based on true life events .

He has just finished explaining to me that he didn’t want his partner to be denied enjoyment of the act, he liked that she enjoyed it, he just wanted to discuss it with her within the ambit of consensual non-consent because he liked to start the sex while she was still asleep and that requires prior consent because it is not possible to acquire proximal consent from a person who is asleep. I understand that method of interpreting CNC, but he did not quite understand mine, so he asked a question that I have been asked many, many times before.

When you say no or stop, do you really mean it? Do you actually want them to stop or are you enjoying the *** or whatever is happening to you? Are you pretending to fight or do you genuinely want to be ***d?

Often, I focus on answering more technical and logistical questions about CNC so it came as a surprise to me that I hadn’t ever thought to tackle this question, one that I consider may be the baseline to all else. So, do I really mean it when I say stop/no?

Yes.

When I say no, I really don’t want to do the thing that is about to happen. When I say stop, I really wish the person who is doing the thing to me would stop. When I beg, I really am hoping it will land on benevolent ears. It’s not an act because that would defeat the purpose. As individuals, it is for us to consider the end to which we want to use CNC, right? The guy who asked me the question would like to be able to touch their partner while they are asleep. Some people use CNC within a punishment-based dynamic where you cannot opt out of a punitive process (but could potentially opt out of other kinds of play in the same dynamic). Some people use it to enable ***-play and live out a curated or spontaneous fantasy. Some may use it for a ***ing/abduction/confinement scene where the fight-back/struggle is vital to the plausibility of the scenario. For me, CNC is something I use to enable experiences that my body would otherwise refuse to undergo for personal or, more likely, human reasons.

The things that come after stop with my owner (which as a term, I am really preferring to all other methods of referring to him, it makes semantic sense to me in a delightful way) are things that I would (and do) likely qualify as hard limits if I were playing with anyone else. For instance, no one else (at least, as it stands now) is putting anything inside my cunt or ass, penis or artificial projectile, because as activities I don’t just dislike those things, they are triggering and traumatic. I will never choose them and I will make sure to disallow them with anyone else. Which does lead to a reasonable question.

If this is how I feel about those things, why do them at all?

That, is a good question. It is a perverse desire, in many ways. It’s not, at least not directly, about masochism. My masochism is mostly expressed through impact play, sharps play, restraint and *** play, and I can very directly say I want those things. I am rarely ever pushed to a place where I want to stop with those things, I know when to stop and I know to en*** it (or be with people who do), but in those forms the desire for the *** is very direct. In the space after “no,” it is not, it’s not one where I enjoy, desire or even process the *** as a masochist. It’s also not entirely about control, to some degree, it is, as the dynamic goes, it is the primary joint-goal, I suppose. The more I experience the over-riding of my will by him, the more powerless I feel in this dynamic (and that is desirable) but the goal of control only emerged (with him) when we became an entity whereas the desire to be in this space came much, much before that. It’s about accessing those spaces in your brain and body that you could otherwise only access through trauma or mortal ***. Their very existence is conditional, they only exist if you don’t want them, and even more if you know why.

There are millions of people who put things into their asses and cunts every single day for pleasure and, maybe, ***, and there is nothing traumatic about it to many of them because they want to do this. It is traumatic to me because I don’t want to do it, and I know why, and it is due to the fact of this lack of desire that I want to be in this space. There some things that are elemental to avoid—panic, trauma, some kinds of emotional ***, ***ness—but after you occupy them a few times, you gain at least enough comfort to start observing these states of being, and they are, interesting. In most states of being, I am so predictable to myself, I know what I will say and do, I know when I will wake up and what I will eat for lunch, I know what I think but in this space, I have no idea who I am. It obliterates all sense of individuality and reduces you to a very basic state. Like rebooting in safe-mode, but it’s unsafe mode.

The problem with unsafe mode is that obviously I am never going to choose to go there. Either, I need stakes, like I would walk over hot coals to rescue a puppy on the other end but (possibly) not for sport, or I need to have no choice, which is why I need CNC, because if you ask me right now whether I want to be utterly traumatized for a couple of days, I will say no, but if you give me eleven-minutes to think about it, I will grant you the permission to do so. And that’s what it is about, right? With eleven safe minutes of distance between me and annihilation, I can tell you that I want to go there, but when I stand before the valley of destruction, I am going to try to fight it. I am only human. With that in mind, in very simplistic reasoning, I guess it could be said that I don’t really mean it when I beg to stop because I have granted reliable consent for not stopping, but it’s not so simple? It’s hard for me to believe anyone’s body truly wishes to remain in that state.

You have two options, right? Fight or flight. But what do you do, when you do not have permission to fight and there is absolutely no place to run? Something insane happens inside the human body in that state, and I cannot desire that feeling. It feels almost like it goes against an evolutionary imperative to desire it, and so I don’t. I do want to go there, though, whenever I feel safely away from it, I want to go there. It’s one of those conflicts that I don’t feel any desire to resolve because it only serves me in its contradiction.

And that’s what I want it for.

As to whether it should be wanted, I cannot answer that question. I don’t know the answer. I feel comfortable when someone makes the assertion that it is not power-exchange/kink/BDSM because maybe it is not. I feel okay with the idea that one can use the tools that exist to support the desires of a particular subculture and use them to the end of safety in a different context. I also don’t need to prove that it is definitely healthy. I don’t even know how you prove that about anything. Tomatoes are healthy but not if you are allergic. Spinach is healthy but not if you have high haemoglobin. It’s like that. I think about it a lot, I am not dishonest with myself or my partner, I am a very active communicator and I am committed not to act out of loathing-originated destruction of self. I am careful but it’s like being careful with something that is inherently high-risk and potentially unhealthy. The risk is not a factor in my desire, I wish it just didn’t exist, but it is not a strong enough deterrent not to do it so I manage it as best I can. It’s like swimming with sharks, you can be careful when you do it, but you are still swimming with fucking sharks. Sitting here, at my comfortable desk, I want to do that, but one second before I take the plunge, I’m going to want to run the fuck away.

But by then I’ll already be in the middle of the ocean.

With nowhere to run.

I guess I just enjoy the tragedy of that.

[NickSki666]

Yeah, I’m not into cnc because there is too many what ifs involved. Hell, my first true experience within BDSM was with a true masochist and I cried afterwards. She actually had to aftercare me. After the fact and much self reflection and talking with her, we were never not in communication and we were practicing safety at its highest level. Still today I have issues about that experience. It hovered ever so closely to something I never ever ever want to act on or let alone think about. The only thing that allows it not to drive me crazy for the rest of my existence is she loved it. She was so excited afterwords. Like I said, she comforted me. I did take something away from it and that was if I feel like it’s too much for me to bare mentally, I don’t have to do it. I obviously have the same power in that scene to use the safe word and stop. No means No and Stop means stop. But the safe word we both agreed upon is set in stone. Anything after the safe word is illegal. That was a good read that melted my brain a bit. The “ I guess I just enjoy the tragedy in that “ blew me away. I’m glad I read that. I know it’s not a story you made up because you state that at the beginning so I understand it’s your internal thinking. Was just a heavy read. Now that I know it’s not a tragedy, I can say I enjoyed that. Thanks for sharing that.

[DivineMystOG]

In the kink world stop means stop imo.. its why we set the boundaries of the Dynamic and vet so heavily before entering into one.. its also why we have a safe word.. the D and s must practice it and listening for it.. D and s can stop a scene at any time for any reason ..

[Fghjk]

I always clarify what specific words mean for me. Stop and Red= ACTUALLY stop. No for me doesnt mean no x but i say that beforehand

[Lsmart938]

Interesting read and good to know you can be in 2 minds depending how close the ‘event’ is. I totally get it.

CNC is all about prior communication and understanding of what no, stop etc means. And as one of the other replies indicated - having that safe word as a back stop.

But it’s so damn hot just to have an open mind and to be able to go for / do anything in the moment with expectation that it’s acceptable and I like that you personally have to cross inner boundaries to let that happen.

[Dorsetstrider76]

This is why you have two pre agreed safe words. One for "no", one for "just stop for a minute". Unless those safe words are used play goes on regardless of anything else being said.

[KY****]

No. That’s why stop and no can’t be used as safe words, 🤷🏽‍♀️