Doms Side of things

[ox****]

How do you guys deal with the guilty feelings about your kinks? Do they bother you at all? Or how did you come to accept that side of you? Especially if you're open and willing to do more darker sides of bdsm? If that makes sense?

[Cypress079]

I have long since Came to terms with what I do
I make my partner enjoy themselves more than they thought they could I use safe words to keep it in control so if they can't take it then they can stop it and it allows them to be able to yell stop and no with out it stopping the fun

[Am****]

I’ve always been dominant. I get more annoyed that it’s hard to find a woman that into the darker kinks and BDSM stuff. Just kinda annoyed I’m so into it and when I see porn of it I get super turned on. Mostly cnc stuff and heavy rough stuff. I totally understand why woman take a long time to trust men on though things. CNC turns me on massively and I sometimes feel bad that I like it. Rap play also but I’m smart enough that if a safe word is used I stop right away. It’s also hard to find a play partner for those kinks I find

[un****]

her aftercare is my aftercare and that may not make sense so let me explain i fall quite a ways into the darker side of things i have fairly strong sadistic desires however with that also comes intense feelings of guilt from the fact that i caused all of that *** even though it was between two consenting adults and how i deal with that is taking care of and nurturing her so food, water, cuddles, stuffy etc you get the point and as i take care of her and she feels better my guilt gradually diminishes and i no longer feel guilty about the things i’ve done and the things i am inevitably going to do again

[Am****]

3 minutes ago, undeaddom said:

her aftercare is my aftercare and that may not make sense so let me explain i fall quite a ways into the darker side of things i have fairly strong sadistic desires however with that also comes intense feelings of guilt from the fact that i caused all of that *** even though it was between two consenting adults and how i deal with that is taking care of and nurturing her so food, water, cuddles, stuffy etc you get the point and as i take care of her and she feels better my guilt gradually diminishes and i no longer feel guilty about the things i’ve done and the things i am inevitably going to do again

Well well said their been times I stop have way through thinking why am I like this. The first time I cried for like a hour and felt like I was a monster for what I wanted and liked. Yes I had fun but yes I felt like a bad person afterwards

[ch****]

As long as there is no *** or unasked-for *** involved, as long as what is done is done out of love and with respect and affection, I don't see anything wrong with any of it. I believe God gave all of this to us to use in order to love each other. Nothing is immoral or unethical as long as it is done between consenting adults, and with true affection (18 y.o. where I am.)

[Am****]

3 minutes ago, chobers said:

As long as there is no *** or unasked-for *** involved, as long as what is done is done out of love and with respect and affection, I don't see anything wrong with any of it. I believe God gave all of this to us to use in order to love each other. Nothing is immoral or unethical as long as it is done between consenting adults, and with true affection (18 y.o. where I am.)

Still find it hard to remember that. The woman was like wtf as she was fine and felt I respected her limits. I was more one that was felt like I may have fucked up I was also 23 at the time and had never done anything like that. I didn’t know how to react

[un****]

5 minutes ago, Aman94 said:

Well well said their been times I stop have way through thinking why am I like this. The first time I cried for like a hour and felt like I was a monster for what I wanted and liked. Yes I had fun but yes I felt like a bad person afterwards

i used to be like that when i was 18 but as the years have gone on i’ve learned how to deal with it because dom drop is real and god damn does it completely just fuck with your head and the perception of the things you’ve done

[Am****]

34 minutes ago, undeaddom said:

i used to be like that when i was 18 but as the years have gone on i’ve learned how to deal with it because dom drop is real and god damn does it completely just fuck with your head and the perception of the things you’ve done

Ya ya me to

[NickSki666]

Wow, yeah, so my first true experience in the lifestyle was with a true masochist. I think our session lasted 8-9 hours. She actually had to after care me. I cried. I never lost control or focus and we were in full communication the entire time but after it was over, I felt like shit. I carried it for a long time and it’s made me a better Dom. Like I’ve said before in another topic chat, the only thing that keeps me from being scared for life is she told me she wanted every bit of what I gave her. We had clear safe words in place but she never used them. Now I know after that that I have the same power to say fuck this I’m not doing it. I mean I knew I had that power before, but now I’m more aware of that power. It’s not worth either of us dealing with physical and psychological damage. She was so fucking proud of my work. Sent me so many pics of here admiring them. I stepped away for awhile and went totally vanilla. But the silver lining is I’m always aware. I’ll never take someone else’s word over my own gut feeling. I’ve made peace with it and looking back I could say I might consume of the things that were performed again. But the trust has to be deep. Can’t be any hesitation in either. Thanks for posting this. I know of all places I’d find people who get it here. It’s refreshing to open up a bit about that. It’s up there for most memorable moments in my life. I’ll never brag about it to anyone. Maybe 2 people know that entire story. But I’ll always carry it. You live and learn. No regrets. Thanks for this.

[Am****]

Ya nick nick their been 2 times girls and wanted something I tried it was like not I can’t do it. The one was because of a huge age gap i felt weirded out doing, both over 19 but big age gap. I try living with that no regrets towards my kinks but hard some times

[NickSki666]

Yeah man, it’s ok to say no. Might fuck up a seemingly good time but it’s not worth either of your sanities. Yours or theirs. You live to fight another day. And you sleep soundly.

[ey****]

It can be difficult especially if you've done any form of harder style play.  It's kinda... it's not unhealthy to think "did I take that too far" if you've beat someone heavily, involved rough sexual play, or any form of high level of *** or ***.

But yeah; this is when of course aftercare becomes part of a two way street. Subdrop is a big issue, so is Domdrop.   Aftercare isn't *just* for the sub.

[PrinceCruel]

Don't do something that you don't feel like, even if asked politely or ***fully. At least that's what I tell my subs.
If you start feeling guilt that would be because you have crossed a boundary, yours or your partner. So use it as an alert, a warning sign.
I have dealt with managing my anger and feeling I could unleash some of it with a flogger or crop, but the moment the thought came the twinge of guilt propped up and made me look inside. Once you cross that line the recovery no longer only involves you but your victim too.

[Pe****]

Boundaries are between the ears. It is shame and/or *** that determines the boundaries. I discovered long ago that I live to make myself happy and do what makes me happy. I do not live to make the people around me happy, their happiness is not my responsibility. Once you understand this, life becomes a lot easier.

[Clandestine_Minx]

I accept it's where I want to be, I accept most people don't get it but my only guilt is that what makes me think I'm happy absolutely alienates me and makes me miserable and lonely. It's a double edged sword ⚔️ no matter what window you look through

[my****]

I am very liberal, pro women, pro choice the whole nine. So reconciling the need to put a girl on her knees and beat the soles of her feet because she broke a rule is quite the task. I’ve developed a code, where I do not weigh in on medical decisions, unless I’m asked for my opinion. I also have a check in the following day where she has time to process anything that happened in the previous session. It’s like after aftercare. Where she can speak openly about the session and let me know if I went too far, or even if she liked something in particular. Anything on her mind is discussed in that time. It’s good to have designated time in a 24/7 relationship because allowing things to fester is a good way to lose your partner. Finally I rely on safewords and warning safewords.

My way puts a lot of control in my subs hands, while still allowing her to feel owned. That helps keep the guilt away.

[Th****]

I'm a bit puzzled by your subject line and post. You direct your question at Doms, but to me, the question itself seems to apply to everyone. It might feel slightly more fitting if it'd been directed at tops instead of Doms maybe. 🤔

Anyway... I don't really have issues with guilt. It's important to me to practice ethically and responsibly. don't just dive right in the deep end with new partners, I'm cautious and methodical, I start simple and build while we learn one another, it's not a race and self control is important. My general mindset is that one can never be finished learning, growing and gaining information. I allow space to be checked and held accountable and have the expectation of it even. I find that being mindful in this way from the start helps a lot. 

[drkmttr]

Talk to your partner. Only by communicating did I understand the joy I gave my partner for doing things that make you question if you should feel guilty. AND, don’t be shady. Don’t do anything you know would emotionally hurt your partner. If you approach this as what can I do for my partner to solve their wants and needs you won’t have to feel guilty.

[ox****]

It's not more so doing things I know they don't want or being shady. Everything I do is for my sub. I get off to my partners getting off. I do get the added benefit of being into a lot of different things. But, part of it goes back to me over thinking about a lot of this. People outside of the bdsm world wouldn't really understand. I guess I'm having two conflicting thoughts clashing, which proped these questions. It's more self reflecting and what that says about me I guess.

[ox****]

I appreciate all the thoughts and feedback! Thanks

[Va****]

I am a nice guy but some of the things that I do with a partner consensually is not that nice. I don't do things like that because I am a bad guy, I do it because it's enjoyable for both participants, it's a fun game. BDSM stuff that I do is not what I am as a person, it's what I enjoy doing as long as my partner enjoys it too.

[Se****]

- Top drop is normal. The way to reassure your doubts is to have your sub tend to YOU as well during aftercare. Words of affirmation that she loved it, loving touches to calm your brain and not overthink, etc.

- Personally, my drop hits the day after. That's when I wake up the next day and start questioning if she really liked it or if she just let it happen because she wanted to please me. That's why I have my subs text me a spam of emojis the next day. No words, just emojis that vibe with her on how she felt about the night before. That way, even after the endorphins wore off and the spark of last night has faded, I know they genuinely enjoyed it. This works wonders for improving my mental state about who I am and what I like. If they love what I do, what reason do I have to hate myself for it?

- Hope that helped

[ch****]

The best insurance against disappontment or bad feelings is honesty and communication. It's VERY HARD to do, but it's worth it in the end.

It builds trust, which makes everythign so much better, more satisfying, and more fun.

That's why I'm monogamous; jumping from person to person doesn't leave enough room for trust to build. Not for me, anyway.

[Th****]

16 hours ago, drkmttr said:

Talk to your partner. Only by communicating did I understand the joy I gave my partner for doing things that make you question if you should feel guilty. AND, don’t be shady. Don’t do anything you know would emotionally hurt your partner. If you approach this as what can I do for my partner to solve their wants and needs you won’t have to feel guilty.

This. In addition to educating yourself as much as possible on things like healthy relationships, non-violent communication, emotional health and intelligence, best practices for the edge play that you engage in, and loads of other related things. There's loads of online and virtual education opportunities in addition to in person workshops, seminars and cons. Always be sure to vet presenters and cross check information between multiple sources.