How Intense is too Intense?

[My****]

I was recently considering a sub slave who had also stated that she was a masochist after sharing numerous calls and numerous video chats we met after three months after a three day tonight get together she had said that I am too aggressive in the way Man handled her the way I grabbed her and other things we had done together so my questionis how intense is too intense?

[Maliketh]

Whatever crosses your current partner’s boundaries.

[in****]

Communication. Initial meet. Comfortable energy exchange. Mature discussion. It’s all basically known, or am I missing something…

[My****]

Okbfare nut never crossing the boundries I'm talking about On a first encounter, that's what I'm trying to ask?

[Maliketh]

It’s quite literally subjective. There is no one answer. That’s why we discuss things.

[lolli-leigh]

Reading this it appears that both of you have rushed in to play. Ruff play is subjective and we all like different levels and at different times. Take time out and reflect on her comments. If you are still seeing each other site down and communicate ,how to address this. It is important to start slow and build up to theses things.

[My****]

Ty and it doesn't matter now she is gone. There's no hope she is involved

[lolli-leigh]

What matters now is what you take forward from this experience,learn from it and grow.

[ke****]

There's not chart or scale like, how strong is a strong coffee? If you can't read body language or have the patience to learn someone then you're walking a fine line

[DivineMystOG]

It sounds like you went straight from betting to playing. As a D it's your duty to learn everything there is about your s so that together you can set limits/ boundaries of your dynamic. Training stage is so important to learn each others newds/limits.

[DivineMystOG]

Vetting *

[ey****]

there's no metric as every individual has their own barrier

this is on you, as a Dominant, to communicate with to make sure you don't overstep

or, if you do - that this is then communicated and resolved. 

[Ba****]

I’m a fairly heavy masochist. I can take a lot. But first scenes are always lighter so you can get to know one another. Give them a longer warm up and check in constantly.
If you’re unsure if you’re being too rough, ask them to rate the ouch out of 10 (0 being licked by kittens, 10 being they’re about to leave this mortal coil). You want to aim for 5. Obviously throw in some lighter bits and some harder. Think of play being like the tide, with swells and falls.
Hoping this makes sense.
Your post suggests you both made assumptions about what levels the other would want and you both needed to communicate better. But you live and learn and you are obviously reflecting to improve for the future.

[Pi****]

It depends entirely on both of your boundaries. Clearly some boundaries were crossed. You should discuss them with her more in detail.

I’d not even play with a masochist until I knew exactly where they draw the lines, and if they’re new to ***, you must take it slowly and proceed gradually, keep checking the submissive party how they are feeling before, during and after every interaction. Agree upon mutual safewords to use when things are going into direction that might be too much.

Be careful with masochists who say they have no limits. It only tells they don’t know themselves well enough yet in that area.

[PrinceCruel]

A local educator calls it "Dom/sub frenzy". It's your first time, you want to convey the "right attitude" to your potential partner so you over promise, under communicate and everybody gets hurt. Now a serving of apologies is in expectations so the damage doesn't spread and the healing begins.
Sharing on this forum is a good first step and the sign of a positive learning and healing willingness. In my humble opinion, as a Dom it is your responsibility to yourself but also your play partner to now create a healing space. It's not going to be an easy conversation but your sanity and reputation are at stake.

[My****]

I have apologized and we are talking but it feels so different and now that she is consider another and has a play partner I'm just trying stay friends and still be in her life l,She got under my skin hardcore meaning in a good way It actually hurt when she told me how and what she was doing and he thing are going to be different

[Ka****]

It is all based on how and what was negotiated. Maybe not the right questions were discussed hence you were at a blind not knowing being handled rough was a limit/a trigger. Always make sure to cover all grounds.

[4x****]

I think part of it might be jumping straight into it without any build up/ feeling out your sub even if there was decent communication about intentions and desires.
Especially for a first time, I think it’s important to test/ gauge where your subs at in regards to what you guys talked about. I believe everyday is different & talking about fantasies vs doing them is also different so .. Maybe she’s not the one or maybe you should try to build up to your desired intensity level so she can also gauge how much she can handle.. Just my thoughts

[my****]

Don’t forget, the Dom should be concerned about their partner as well. There isn’t much stopping her from taking her fresh bruises over to the police and saying you attacked her.

So the first few sessions should always be about building trust for everyone involved.

[Ka****]

4 hours ago, mythicalman said:

Don’t forget, the Dom should be concerned about their partner as well. There isn’t much stopping her from taking her fresh bruises over to the police and saying you attacked her.

So the first few sessions should always be about building trust for everyone involved.

Or depending on the intensity of the scene, perhaps have sub/bottom/slave sign a contract and have that as a stipulation to protect you from the law which BDSM in vanilla world is not protected. Consent doesn’t mean anything to the law when it comes to SM acts now a days so be careful.

[My****]

I usually am but there's more to this situation that I can't go into here,but I'm taking full tesponsability for loosing her. And yes I have told her that but one good ngvshe is still into it just not with me ty for the insight and advice

[Se****]

2 hours ago, KatyKatKat said:

Or depending on the intensity of the scene, perhaps have sub/bottom/slave sign a contract and have that as a stipulation to protect you from the law which BDSM in vanilla world is not protected. Consent doesn’t mean anything to the law when it comes to SM acts now a days so be careful.

Not worth the paper it’s written on and wouldn’t stand up in a court of law x

[ey****]

6 hours ago, KatyKatKat said:

Or depending on the intensity of the scene, perhaps have sub/bottom/slave sign a contract and have that as a stipulation to protect you from the law which BDSM in vanilla world is not protected.

A thing about contracts... you cannot use a contract to get someone to agree to something illegal. 

Getting a partner to sign a contract can be seen as a form of fantasy play (not legally binding) - or - an attempt to intimidate someone not to go to the police (threatening behaviour)

if someone goes to the police and says they felt this was just play; or that they were coerced into signing - it's still going down for investigation.

There is a duty of the Dominant to vet their partner and be sure this is what they want : while maybe a checklist or contract could be good for the Dominants understanding - it typically won't hold up in court.

[Ka****]

I know the law changed their view on consent long ago based on domestic *** and as a result of that BDSM is no longer safe if they are made aware of it, yes they are correct the Dom should vet their partners and make sure they are aware of everything to prevent any triggers from coming to light.

[My****]

Well that's unfortunslly one of the reasons my sub/slave drop me was because I apparently "triggered her " but if someone d that "triggered" wouldn't she want you gone asap?