So how did you get better as a Dom?

[Ja****]

I'm extremely new to the BDSM and kink life. Im single, no life or play partners. Im fairly certain that I'm more Dom than sub; however, I don't know how to learn, practice, or get better at it. I've picked up bits and pieces just from scrolling here and online, but not much more than that. How did you learn and grow as a Dom? Do you need a sub in order to get better at it? Do you have to be naturally "aggressive" and dominant as a person to be a good Dom?

[Deleted Member]

Ideally you should join a community and learn from others that are your seniors. There’s a lot of material on the web too on best practices, so read those. It is also important to define clear boundaries, this helps you track the partner that is going to be most suitable for the practice that you need.

Mostly just enjoy yourself, respect others limits and you’ll be fine

[al****]

Look for a local dungeon. Most have fetish classes and most Dom/Domme are happy to help someone new to the community. Be yourself. Your profile looks good. You're honest and that will set you apart from the posers. If you have questions my DMs are open. Welcome to fetlife.

[Ja****]

1 minute ago, alpha420fet said:

Look for a local dungeon. Most have fetish classes and most Dom/Domme are happy to help someone new to the community. Be yourself. Your profile looks good. You're honest and that will set you apart from the posers. If you have questions my DMs are open. Welcome to fetlife.

Thanks. I really appreciate that. I'll definitely make sure to talk with you sometime.

[SeaDragon580]

Find local groups and meet people. If they’re a decent group when you let them know you need help they’ll likely help you.

[De****]

From the submissive side, don't pretend to be something you're not yet. Be straight forward with those you message. So many reach out to me stating they are Dominant when they've never even done a scene or experienced watching a scene.
You sound like you are on the right track so far.

Go to munches and local meet-and-greets in your area. They aren't play parties, just informational and friendly get-togethers and a great place to start networking.

[Ja****]

2 minutes ago, DeeVa said:

From the submissive side, don't pretend to be something you're not yet. Be straight forward with those you message. So many reach out to me stating they are Dominant when they've never even done a scene or experienced watching a scene.
You sound like you are on the right track so far.

Go to munches and local meet-and-greets in your area. They aren't play parties, just informational and friendly get-togethers and a great place to start networking.

Thank you. It's nice to have that info from the other perspective.

[So****]

JayRuss: I’m in the exact same position..

[ey****]

the first thing is to remember learning is an ongoing process

and the second is "being a Dom" means different things to different people 

If you take those two bits on board first.

Yeah, learning online should never be discounted, you can learn others perspectives and if folk are talking about play that interests you, there's more you can delve into : the good thing about online is you can do this as and when, in your own time and leisure.

Being able to interact with others in person accelerates things a lot, but you may of course be at the mercy of schedules, locations and cost.   So for example if you find a local munch, attending those again can be enriching. 

Workshops, discussion groups, etc. can be a next step again.

There are some in some areas who offer "courses" or one on one training, but make sure this is in line with what you want to learn.  Go back to my second point above because people will teach what they think a Dominant should be, rather than what is right for you - always consider mixed perspectives. 

[fu****]

You don't have to be naturally aggressive to be a Dom, there are different types of doms, such as soft doms. Yes there are hard doms too, but there are different ways to be Dom, and anyone who says there's only one way to be a Dom is completely wrong

[The_Rev_]

Worth reading the New Topping Book and the New Bottoming Book by Dorothy Easton.

[Ha****]

I have fucked over 100 women. Learnt on the job. You could read books instead I suppose. Hmmmm.

[My****]

There's a lot of resources for free, research wise. From my understanding, for the most part, communication and prioritizing safety are the biggest things. Beyond that, I personally feel it's a personal preference for all parties involved. Very little experience here though. If your cheap like me try researching from both a dom and sub point of view. You'll get different results on Dr. Google. GL

[Ha****]

Personally I learned from experienced sub women. You can't learn to do anything by reading books about it. That's ok for a few pointers. But you have to do it. Like with anything else, the more you do it the better you get. Get yourself a sub girl friend and fuck her. Ask her what she likes and do it. Then ask if you are doing it right. If she wants it harder. Just pay attention to what turns her on. It's easy to tell.
Tie her up, spank her, go to a sex shop. together and buy stuff and use it.
Watch some BDSM porn together. Ask her what she watches when she masturbates. Then do that.
Have fun. If you think of something you want to do then do it and ask how it feels. Its just sex. Don't get hung up about it
Openness and honesty go a long way.
When you find a woman who wants to play you don't need a book. Just fuck, and fuck and fuck. I am sure you will get the hang of it.

[An****]

26 minutes ago, HairyGladiator said:

Personally I learned from experienced sub women. You can't learn to do anything by reading books about it. That's ok for a few pointers. But you have to do it. Like with anything else, the more you do it the better you get. Get yourself a sub girl friend and fuck her. Ask her what she likes and do it. Then ask if you are doing it right. If she wants it harder. Just pay attention to what turns her on. It's easy to tell.
Tie her up, spank her, go to a sex shop. together and buy stuff and use it.
Watch some BDSM porn together. Ask her what she watches when she masturbates. Then do that.
Have fun. If you think of something you want to do then do it and ask how it feels. Its just sex. Don't get hung up about it
Openness and honesty go a long way.
When you find a woman who wants to play you don't need a book. Just fuck, and fuck and fuck. I am sure you will get the hang of it.

That has to be the most irresponsible advice.

[The_Rev_]

56 minutes ago, HairyGladiator said:

I have fucked over 100 women. Learnt on the job. You could read books instead I suppose. Hmmmm.

Lucky man (and lucky ladies too, I hope). Books cannot replace experience, but they can explain it, enhance it and expand your understanding of your actions and the responses you've received.

Plus the authors between them have, I believe, even more experience than you.

[ey****]

31 minutes ago, HairyGladiator said:

Personally I learned from experienced sub women. You can't learn to do anything by reading books about it. That's ok for a few pointers. But you have to do it. Like with anything else, the more you do it the better you get. Get yourself a sub girl friend and fuck her. Ask her what she likes and do it. Then ask if you are doing it right. If she wants it harder. Just pay attention to what turns her on. It's easy to tell.
Tie her up, spank her, go to a sex shop. together and buy stuff and use it.
Watch some BDSM porn together. Ask her what she watches when she masturbates. Then do that.
Have fun. If you think of something you want to do then do it and ask how it feels. Its just sex. Don't get hung up about it
Openness and honesty go a long way.
When you find a woman who wants to play you don't need a book. Just fuck, and fuck and fuck. I am sure you will get the hang of it.

I get where you're coming from, but, there's bits which shoots wide of the mark.

So, OK. He goes out and meets a nice lady, they go for a drink and raise interest in kink.  Bingo, jackpot.

She mentions she is interested in being flogged, in bondage, in electroplay, in whatever.  Or she mentions maybe being interested in doing a D/s relationship.

Double jackpot.

Then what?

Now, firstly a lot depends here on her experience. If she is inexperienced she is hardly in much of a place to teach him.  They maybe as you say go to a shop together and buy a flogger, or a rope or whatever with a view to learn together.  They maybe switch on a little bit porn to try to learn from.

He sees in the porn the flogger being used hard, so he does that - it's too hard for her, but not only that he didn't learn which areas are safer than others to strike - so maybe he's done some damage or caused extreme discomfort by striking the kidney, or hitting the spine, or whatever.  We can assume "everyone knows" not to strike those places - but they learnt from somewhere.

Why actually deliberately go through discomfort to try to learn? Like, you know what, he does this she has a bad experience, feels it's "Not for her" and the whole opportunities are ruined.

Or maybe he gets some rope, messes up a tie, causes friction burns, causes the rope to slip and pull around her neck in a way that causes distress, is otherwise uncomfortable and general offputting.  Perhaps he gets things in a mess and really needs to cut the rope but hasn't got any safety scissors because he didn't do any reading first.

You know - going in blind with someone goes against the principles of SSC, RACK and PRICK - because - if you go in uniformed on trial and error then you're unaware of the risks or how to mitigate them. It's not only dangerous play, it's reckless.

But, I admit, some of these scenarios are a little farfetched (but do happen. Every couple of months we get a story about someone who accidentally killed their partner during BDSM/kinky sex - and it's all down to not doing sufficient research)

So you know what is more likely to happen in the above scenario?

The discussion of kink or D/s comes up and she is like, yeah this is what interests me - he is like "oh, really, I always wanted to try" and then when discussing further it becomes a case of... "wait, so you said you always wanted to try but never bought any toys, or learnt about using them or doing any basic research - instead wanting someone to do all the handholding for you?" 

[Pl****]

Can someone suggest a few good books?

[The_Rev_]

30 minutes ago, Pleaser4KneepadFun said:

Can someone suggest a few good books?

See my earlier comment there's also the Loving Dominant and BDSM 101 . . .

[Dy****]

Join a club and attend seminars, sign up for classes. Read non-fiction titles. Both instructional and memoir have knowledge to learn from.

[Frankink]

I have seen that you have been given some very good advice here, knowing how to distinguish them from the terrible ones is already a start, if you want to learn to discern that is essential, unfortunately some are ***d to believe that everything is based on putting on a cowboy voice and fucking.

Knowledge and learning is very important, for that you must dedicate time, read, debate, investigate and practice based on your possibilities and needs. Knowledge, as I say, is very important, but what is truly key is Self-Knowledge, that will mark your path. Without knowing where you want to go, you will never get anywhere. There are many people stumbling around for a long time who have not even considered basic things like whether they are Top or Dom.

You will get the best answers to the questions about what a Dom should be like from yourself with a work of self-knowledge to establish your particular role, based on your needs and interests in BDSM, there is no fixed and immutable archetype that you have to adhere to. conform, be yourself, there are already too many fakes pretending to be someone they are not, no one is attracted to that.

If you know who, what and where, the outline of your path will be clear, pleasant and simple.

[Fr****]

Hey Jay! Good on ya for asking. I’ve been like a really nice dom my whole life and it never once occurred to me to ask other guys.

I learned most of what I know from just having good conversations with my gfs. Personally I have no real aggression in me but I got into how much (and what) each person responded to things. I don’t know if this is going to make sense to anyone but I can feel it in my spine when I’m doing it right and you build a gauge to their reactions. That is about the physical stuff (rope, choking, hair pulling etc). The conversational stuff is where I was surprised I got really into. One girl liked when I whispered crazy shit to her when we were with people. A bunch liked to be told not to do stuff or reminders about manors and behavior. there’s two ways to do that.. there’s the sir tone and the daddy tone. Sir does nothing for me and is pure acting but the daddy thing I could lock into without feeling like not myself. The turn on for me is knowing the game is working. I guess if I’m being honest I enjoy the manipulation. Knowing if I say this now it’ll do xyz to her. The whole thing for me is just focusing on her completely and really learning how to keep her attention. There’s ups and downs and I never have taken too wild of a swing but if you keep a conversation going about sex outside of the bedroom as well it builds over time and that becomes the core bond.

[Ja****]

28 minutes ago, FreddieGomez said:

Hey Jay! Good on ya for asking. I’ve been like a really nice dom my whole life and it never once occurred to me to ask other guys.

I learned most of what I know from just having good conversations with my gfs. Personally I have no real aggression in me but I got into how much (and what) each person responded to things. I don’t know if this is going to make sense to anyone but I can feel it in my spine when I’m doing it right and you build a gauge to their reactions. That is about the physical stuff (rope, choking, hair pulling etc). The conversational stuff is where I was surprised I got really into. One girl liked when I whispered crazy shit to her when we were with people. A bunch liked to be told not to do stuff or reminders about manors and behavior. there’s two ways to do that.. there’s the sir tone and the daddy tone. Sir does nothing for me and is pure acting but the daddy thing I could lock into without feeling like not myself. The turn on for me is knowing the game is working. I guess if I’m being honest I enjoy the manipulation. Knowing if I say this now it’ll do xyz to her. The whole thing for me is just focusing on her completely and really learning how to keep her attention. There’s ups and downs and I never have taken too wild of a swing but if you keep a conversation going about sex outside of the bedroom as well it builds over time and that becomes the core bond.

Thanks so much. This is really helpful as a mild-mannered guy. I enjoy watching their reactions closely and learning what does and doesn't work. I haven't tried anything verbal yet due to lack of confidence and inexperience, but that sounds like something I'll look into and try.

[Ja****]

Yesterday at 03:32 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I get where you're coming from, but, there's bits which shoots wide of the mark.

So, OK. He goes out and meets a nice lady, they go for a drink and raise interest in kink.  Bingo, jackpot.

She mentions she is interested in being flogged, in bondage, in electroplay, in whatever.  Or she mentions maybe being interested in doing a D/s relationship.

Double jackpot.

Then what?

Now, firstly a lot depends here on her experience. If she is inexperienced she is hardly in much of a place to teach him.  They maybe as you say go to a shop together and buy a flogger, or a rope or whatever with a view to learn together.  They maybe switch on a little bit porn to try to learn from.

He sees in the porn the flogger being used hard, so he does that - it's too hard for her, but not only that he didn't learn which areas are safer than others to strike - so maybe he's done some damage or caused extreme discomfort by striking the kidney, or hitting the spine, or whatever.  We can assume "everyone knows" not to strike those places - but they learnt from somewhere.

Why actually deliberately go through discomfort to try to learn? Like, you know what, he does this she has a bad experience, feels it's "Not for her" and the whole opportunities are ruined.

Or maybe he gets some rope, messes up a tie, causes friction burns, causes the rope to slip and pull around her neck in a way that causes distress, is otherwise uncomfortable and general offputting.  Perhaps he gets things in a mess and really needs to cut the rope but hasn't got any safety scissors because he didn't do any reading first.

You know - going in blind with someone goes against the principles of SSC, RACK and PRICK - because - if you go in uniformed on trial and error then you're unaware of the risks or how to mitigate them. It's not only dangerous play, it's reckless.

But, I admit, some of these scenarios are a little farfetched (but do happen. Every couple of months we get a story about someone who accidentally killed their partner during BDSM/kinky sex - and it's all down to not doing sufficient research)

So you know what is more likely to happen in the above scenario?

The discussion of kink or D/s comes up and she is like, yeah this is what interests me - he is like "oh, really, I always wanted to try" and then when discussing further it becomes a case of... "wait, so you said you always wanted to try but never bought any toys, or learnt about using them or doing any basic research - instead wanting someone to do all the handholding for you?" 

Wow.. thanks for this. I didn't even consider some of those risks. I was obviously going to do some research, but reading those scenarios and imagining a situation that extreme (however unlikely) made me realize exactly how diligent I need to be in studying and researching. I've never even heard of SSC, RACK, or PRICK until now but they seem like pretty important ideas that I need to look into.

[Ja****]

Yesterday at 05:20 PM, The_Rev_ said:

See my earlier comment there's also the Loving Dominant and BDSM 101 . . .

Thanks for the book recommendations