Are you a Dom? Then Train Like One , Part One

[Dy****]

I’ve touched on this in previous writings. Still, we’re going to focus on this topic quite specifically because I keep hearing about “Doms” who are not participating within the community in ways we should expect, and many Submissives reach out to me here, and at the club I’m a member of, about how to “vet” potential Dominants. I plan to write about several topics related to training as a Dominant, and I'll focus on one in each piece. While I know what I write will not be fully encompassing, my goal is to raise the standard among the masses in areas that I think are lacking. 

 

First and foremost, Being a Dominant is a Philosophy of Life (& Leadership)

Some of us can bang the pigment off your sugar walls.  Some of us can tie you up and raise you to the rafters of a cathedral ceiling without you realizing it until after the first six feet.  Some of us can create an environment to produce a waterfall from you, rivaling Niagara.

And even still, some of us can do all that.

But what makes us Dominant first is not our ability to persuade you into the depths of your chosen fantasy turned reality. Not our sexual prowess.  Hell, not even our physical prowess. And certainly not those ‘trigger’ wrists we’ve developed from all things impact (I know someone will argue this point; come at me, bro!)

What makes us Dominant first is that we have chosen that role as a way of life.  Everything we do oozes it, not because we yell debauchery at those in our lives or assign corner time to family on Thanksgiving (and if you do this, you did NOT get the idea from me!). We are leaders in all we do, even if we’re not the leaders at our jobs, clubs, volunteering interests, etc.

How did we become that? Well, it wasn’t by total accident.  We may have some natural talent for the role, but like anything worth having in life, we earned it by pursuing knowledge, skills, and abilities. It wasn’t easy, and it’s a lifelong pursuit.

With this point, let us focus on leadership development.  How does one establish skills as a leader? 

One may start by studying leadership. Without creating an argument, the US Army produces numerous titles on leadership.  And while I don’t recommend converting their methods directly into BDSM, the information is helpful in the study of leadership development and the skills and knowledge one may want to develop within themselves.  Most of these titles can be found in publicly produced volumes on Amazon, or you can order them at your favorite local bookstore.

Beyond this, numerous other titles on leadership and associated skills don’t conjure up the images of fatal combat. For example, here’s one that fits outside the “standard” box we tend to live in: Brain Tracy, the famed non-fiction author on business development and sales training, wrote a book about time management. It’s specifically called Time Management.  How novel is that novel? (I’ll see myself out!)

And most credible Doms love a ticking clock. We may assign our Submissives a task and give them a timeframe for completion.  In its simplest form, failure to stay within the bounds of the timeframe will lead to a punishment, whereas successfully staying within the bounds of the timeframe will lead to a reward. (Pedantic, I know, but I’m illustrating for all.)

But, as a Dominant, you’ll find using time as a tool complex if you fail to manage it within your own life. Building a mindset around your use of time and its management is better if you intend to employ it for your dynamic because you may find yourself in a situation where an otherwise excellent Submissive can’t grasp how to be punctual.  How can you instruct them on time if you don’t have a healthy respect for it and practice a philosophy concerning its use?

Leadership development has many titles, from theory to practice to analysis and back.  And we don’t have all the space in the world for them.  In short, if they are critically received and have a serviceable history behind them (i.e., a book considered “timeless” on the subject), chances are, you, as a Dominant, could learn something from it and incorporate that into your leadership repertoire.

What about non-power exchange scenarios to “stretch” those leadership skills?

Let’s presume you’re a member of a BDSM club in your region.  You’ll find that clubs can’t just run on everyone’s attendance at club nights.  Other events usually take place there, and each one requires a hands-on manager.  And even still, some tasks must be separated from the event itself (door service, dungeon masters, janitorial, parking, etc.)  You may come across some of these issues, all of these, and in some cases, next to none.  But I don’t know of a single event or club I’ve been to where at least two of these sub-topics of management became their entity to manage within the club.

So, right there is an opportunity for a Dominant to jump in and apply those leadership skills they’ve studied.  And frankly, it could be a mundane set of tasks.  It could be that all the studying on leadership leads to a tiny fraction of that study being used in this situation.

But we’re looking to practice those leadership skills in a situation that does not involve bondage, sensory, discipline, or any of those beautiful things that bring us together.  As a Dominant, you can’t study and then rip into a Submissive.  You need to take your academic learnings and build application of those skills.

Leadership skills apply to whatever work you find yourself doing. Those leadership skills will set you apart from your ***rs and open doors to other opportunities at work.

But say you are passionate about a cause in your community.  Serving hot meals to people experiencing homelessness during winter, mentoring *** in a literacy program, and supporting your local *** shelter’s need for exercising and feeding ***s.  These, and many more situations like them, provide you with ample opportunity to exercise what you’ve learned. And while I can’t speak for masses of Dominants worldwide, most of the ones I know have some volunteer effort they do in their community. And that might shock everyone reading who has little experience within their own BDSM community. Still, reputable Dominants have more tender hearts than sadistic ones (sorry to leak the secret! :D).

For Dominants, what makes us the dizzying combination of sensual, sadistic, nurturing, brutal, challenging, and giving all starts with our philosophy of life, which is leadership.  You can’t lead someone else if you can’t lead yourself.

While I know some Dominants won’t subscribe to all the examples I laid out here, what all will agree upon is that we have to have a mindset concerning leadership, we have to decipher the ethics of our desired leadership philosophy, we have to develop our skills concerning that leadership style, and then we need to practice them in healthy, controlled ways, that allow us to become the loving monsters you so desire.

As a Submissive, what you can gain from this writing is a basic understanding of leadership philosophy and the kinds of leadership styles you gravitate toward.  In this identification work, you can develop inciteful questions to ask a prospective Dominant before engaging in any activities.

When Dominants develop their leadership mindset, and when Submissives develop ways to analyze leadership, both sides of the slash will find the safest, most appropriate partner for their BDSM journey.  The only thing left to figure out, then? What kind of seatbelts and harnesses can keep you both safe as you achieve the s***d of light together?

Happy whippings!

[Ou****]

very accurate & great read dude🤙🏾

[MKH7T8]

Amazing read man!

[Da****]

Written like a true power bottom. 👍

[Sir_and_her70]

After coming close to 30 yrs as a Dom and at times Master there is no one size fits all there are ethics and responsibility that you need to have the intelligence to understand and the sight to read reactions of the willing participants within the dynamic/space you occupy if your unable to do this no amount of training will fix that no amount of training will make you a successful Dominant it may make you a top but that’s a totally different role and personal dynamic. If you want to know about something then you should have the drive and commitment to find out whether this be Impact , ***, manipulation, the list goes on not to go look for training this says your not capable of putting in the personal work and the same can be said for self development. Looking for someone or some group with all the answers is lazy . I had guidance many years ago but if I didn’t fit the blueprint in the first place place the nothing would have worked . Not every one can be what they want it’s just a fact that may seem harsh but I don’t really care if that’s how someone feels that’s not my problem. After so long with so much of an inner view of different so called dynamics that’s how I feel. To be self aware enough to understand the damage that can be done also if you don’t get that then you’re an idiot and should have the knowledge to know that. I’m sure I’ve missed lots of point out but hey I’m human.

[Dy****]

5 hours ago, Sir_and_her70 said:

I’m sure I’ve missed lots of point out but hey I’m human.

You had a lot to say, and this is the part to focus on - none of us knows everything, and certainly not one amongst us has all the answers.

I didn't write my piece as a "one MUST do this" to succeed.  I provided relevant examples to illustrate how one could go about getting answers to how to start.

I do agree, that either one is dominant, or is not.  There is no way to not be dominant and then to merely learn how to apply all it encompasses.

But I do believe being dominant requires self-reflection. And that means evaluation. Any reputable Dominant is going to seek knowledge to be better at the things they choose to pursue.  And whether it's through reading, attending seminars, learning through instruction, or even a combination of all, a Dominant must actually DO something to hone their skills, and their persona.

[As****]

As one who really doesn't engage with the lifestyle as far as community goes, and mostly expressing kink and D/s 1:1 with partners in the bedroom, it's nice to hear what you have to share about your experience. I find a lot of value in hearing your perspective and appreciate your attitude and how you wrote about it.

Attuned leadership does seem to resonate deeply for me as a core value in dominance.

Thank you! 🙏

[MissBehaving]

Well done. I appreciate the food for thought.

[tw****]

I find there to be significantly different standards depending on what you consider a Dom. If you are simply taking a role within sex then there isn’t much of a standard than performing activities that get both parties off. That’s that.

However if you’re attempting to cultivate a lifestyle out of it and want respect and admiration for who you are it begins to align very much with stoicism.

If you cannot dominate yourself you have no business dominating others. If you cannot control yourself you have not business controlling others. If you cannot craft and and structure your own life you have no business applying structure to another’s. A leader holds their followers to lower standards than they hold themselves.

If you cannot control your eating, your drinking, your smoking or recreational drug use you’re not in control enough to control others.

If you do not train and exhaust your body you are not strong enough to hold power.

If you do not train your mind you are not wise enough to offer guidance.

I think so many of us get so caught up what should be and how people should act that we forget that the person we should hold to the highest standard is ourselves.

Strict with ourselves and kind to others.