Machine sex

[Deleted Member]

There's an erotic object in your bagging area... Reprise.

 

M: Well I think that’s everything on the list. Ugh, why are the checkouts queues so long today?  Hmm, I guess there’s always self-service.  I don’t really want to deal with people anyway.

F: Welcome valued customer. To begin please scan your first item.

(beep)

F: Please place your CABBAGE into the bagging area.

M: Huh, well at least self service machine has made an improvement on the automated voice.

F: (flirtier tone) Please scan next item.

M: Yup… It is, uh, a lot nicer.

(beep)

F: Please place your DICK into the bagging area.

M: (flustered) W-What?

F: Please place your carrot STICKS into the bagging area.

M: I guess I have been listening to *way* too much porn recently. Why would the voice say dick?

F: Please scan next item.

M: What’s next? The pineapple juice.

(beep)

F: Please place your CUM ENHANCER into the bagging area.

M: That’s not why I--

F: Error.  No item detected.

M: Fine. (pause) Oh no...what is she going to say about the cucumbers?

(beep)

F: Please place your ORGANIC DILDOS into the bagging area.

M: Um.. Ugh… That is not… ugh… I am just trying to cook dinner.

F: Please scan next item, you naughty boy.

M:  Where’s the call cashier button?  I think this thing is broken.

F: Oh? Did you want an audience while you checked out?

M: Shut up. I am just going to finish scanning my items so I can leave.

(beep)

F: Condoms?  So responsible.  Please place your MAGNUM RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE BABY STOPPERS in bagging area.

M: Oh my god! Can you say that a bit louder, I don’t think they heard you in the frozen food section.  … Give me the total so I can get out of here!

F: Your total is £69.69

M: ...for some vegetables? This is ridiculous. You know what?  Two can play this game. Why don’t I just grab one of these cucumbers, oh I am sorry, organic dildos and rub it against your slutty little scanner?  

(beep, beep, beep)

F: (moans) Please place i-item in b-bagging area.

M: But I already bagged this item. You wouldn’t want me to put something extra in the bagging area would you? That would be wrong of me.

F: Mmm, please bag it daddy.  Stick it in that eco-friendly tote!   (moans)

M: I knew you were a nasty little machine. You probably love it when nobody touches those filthy plastic bags.

M: Now I am going to drag my finger across that cute screen of yours. You know what button I am going to push?

F: On my...my *touch* screen?  

M: Yes. That adorable glowing touch screen. I am highlighting the credit card payment type. Keeping my finger pressed firmly against it.

F: Mmm...fuck.  Keep pressing. Don’t stop.

M: You don’t want me to stop? But if I stop I can finally insert my heavy platinum card into your tight credit card slot.

F: (moan) Such a tease.

M: Let me just slide it in nice and gently.

(Annoying beep)

F: (moans)

M: Oh? I guess you couldn’t read the chip. I will just have to pull it back out and slide it in again. Lets try that again. I will push it in slower this time.

F: (moans)

(Annoying beep)

M: You are doing this on purpose aren’t you? I would have used cash too, but it says you aren’t accepting cash right now. Too many strangers use that naughty cash slot of yours today?

F: (whimper) Mmm, that’s right. I’m fucking full of bills, but my credit card slot’s been so neglected today. I need your thick card in my slutty little chip reader.

(annoying beep)

F: (moan) I don’t let just anyone in there you know. I usually say it’s broken.  Mmm, but not for you. Push it all the way in.

M: Fuck… Take that payment like the slutty checkout machine that you are.

F: (moan)  Oh fuck! I’m--I’m...authorizing!

M: Oh my goodness you didn’t even wait for me to enter my pin? Well aren’t you just the eager one?

F: Please enter it daddy.  Push me over the fucking edge!  

M: You are ready for me to enter my 4-digit pin. I am going to count them down for you.

M: 4…3...2… Just one more to go... 1. Authorize for me baby.

F: (orgasms)

(receipt paper printing)

F: P-Payment accepted.

M: Such a good self-checkout machine. You sure came a lot. Look at how long this receipt is, you must have used the whole roll.

F: You may now remove your card.  Thank you for shopping at Trader Hoes. Have a nice day!

M: Not the cuddling type huh?  Ooh! 50p off canned pinto beans. Sweet.

[Deleted Member]

HAHAHAHA love it!