“The End”: A high price to pay?

[Deleted Member]

For a while I’ve been playing with someone who is truly amazing. She’s a very private person and so out of respect I’ll use a pseudonym for her. It’s on this condition that I’m allowed to post this.

Jilly has clicked with me in a big way. I’m honoured about that. I’m not in love with her; my wife fills that space in my life and Jilly knows that, but she just “gets it” and “does it for me” as far as I’m concerned. Our relationship has developed very quickly and passions have been at a high and probably unsustainably intense level. Play with her has been mindblowingly good fun. She pushes all of my buttons, mentally, spiritually and sexually. But I’m worried though. If something’s this good, how do I cope with when it ends? Because EVERYTHING ends sometime. And it’s usually traumatic for me when it does.

Jilly isn’t someone I met through this site. Another encounter led to our getting together. She’s not interested in being part of the “BDSM community”. She hates labels. Or compartmentalisation. And she isn’t interested in discussions on forums like this. She totally knows what she wants but she’s adventurous and likes experimenting, so we’ve enjoyed exploring different avenues of kinky activity that I would consider falls very firmly within the BDSM spectrum. But she won’t label it as that. It’s certainly been educational for me. She’s opened my eyes to some new and creative possibilities, for sure.

Jilly doesn’t consider herself “poly” but also has made it clear to me that I don’t have a monopoly or exclusivity over her. And she’s encouraged me to still play with others, though right now I’m not certain I need to. She’s reserving her right to play with others as well as me, but there are no secrets. She believes in total honesty. She’s early 50s, has no triggers, baggage, traumas or other “issues” and just wants to have some extreme, kinky fun. That suits me perfectly. Her husband of 20-odd years is apparently a really nice guy, she loves him to bits, wouldn’t even think about leaving him, but she says that although she still enjoys sex with him, it’s vanilla only and he’s not interested in kinking it up. Pretty much like my wife, then. Jilly tells me she wants and needs what I give her. And in return, in equal measure she delights in giving me what I’ve fantasised about for years. And she’s very, very good at it. All good then? Well sort of, but not quite...

I’m haunted, no, plagued, harassed even, by the *** of it all ending. So I’m not fully “diving in” emotionally, yet. Ok, it’s relatively early days, but I know that everything would be even better if I could just relax, enjoy the here and now and stop worrying about how to deal with the end. But past experiences have made me worry about this. The *** of the end is a high price to pay for the pleasure of the now. And I’m not sure if I can deal with the emotional trauma of another “end” when it hurts so much. Am I too soft? Do I need to harden up a bit? How do others deal with this? Is it actually possible to have the intense experience that I crave of being truly “out of body” in subspace or topspace without submitting one’s entire emotional entity to a play partner? Or is the devastation I have experienced at “the end” the enormous price I have to pay for these intense experiences? Is it just a case of Karma balancing things and not being able to have the pleasure without the ***?

I'm concerned that my own ***s will become self-fulfilling prophecies and ruin everything. What on earth to do?

So many questions! Answers and suggestions, please...!

[Dreamaway]

Enjoy it while you have it. You are obviously going to remain with your wife so don't create tensions for yourself and your 3rd person that don't need to exist. Accept it for what it is, a passing moment, enjoy it and, if and when it finishes take your happy memories and thoughts with you and move on..good luck.

[Deleted Member]

The sad fact is like me you seem to "feel"more than most and yes that opens us up for emotional ***.The fact is we can't change what we feel,many can block their emotions thereby protecting themselves from the potential *** that any relationships can bring.Blokes like us,soft lads if you like just can't do this,I've tried but it's like trying to change your skin colour by will alone,impossible.So we have to accept our emotional nature and accept the pitfalls that brings,what other choice do we have??Hide away wrapped in cotton wool,live as a sexual hermit?I did 7 years on my own through choice so as to avoid *** after my marriage collapsed and it's a lonely life.

We are what we are and can't be changed especially as we age,for me it's about acceptance of my softer core,finding peace with that and accepting any interactions have the potential to cause ***.A friend once told me I need to "toughen up" and "stop falling in love so easily"would pay good *** if that were possible but it's just not.

[Vandalslut]

Blimey, Fredddy!  Not wishing to crap on anyone's spiritual beliefs here - my own are peculiar enough - but I cannot see Karma as a weird and punishing credit/debit system.  I see it as a learning experience, not having to pay now for something horrible I did as a high and mighty medieval princess-bitch circa  A.D.1367.  There are endings all through our lives; there's a time to let go of the baby bottle and eat solid food; a time to stop crawling and start walking - you'll land on your arse a few times, but it doesn't stop you...a time for our first puppy love or crush, and oh dear, they do hurt when we find our dream lover doesn't even know we exist! Or they do and don't feel the same way and that's harder still. But most of us do become reconciled to it, live with it, let it go - I refuse to say 'get over it', it's the most futile advice in the history of mankind. A beloved pet dies. A job we enjoyed working at comes to an end. Friends come into our lives and they feel so vital, so important to our happiness, our socialising and well-being. But eventually they grow in a different direction, take up other interests, move away...the kids are no longer dependents, they've left home...our parents age and die  and we think of the love they showed us in so many ways, some of which we didn't realise were exhibitions of love; then our life partner, one day, he or she will be gone too. Another ending. Where there was two, there's now one, alone, perhaps for the first time in years, if not decades.

It's about accepting that we do leave things or people behind - the baby bottle, the high school 'crush', the faithful pet - these events happen or will happen, and that's NATURE.  Mankind's become so used to having everything his own way - oh, all right, HUMANKIND for the politically correct - we're so used to having everything our own way, immediately and EXACTLY as we want, everything from a pizza to a genetically engineered baby, FFS - but we just can't accept that there's one thing we can't have our own way, now, to our personal specifications - Nature. Nature IS perfect as it is.  It works, mate.   If everything was static, life could not be called a Journey. And it'd get ***y boring as well.

It took me a long time to learn that when people have done whatever they had to do in your life - and you've done whatever you had to do in theirs - they, you, we, me, him, she - move on. It doesn't mean we forget them. We can thank them for what they did for us,  honour the memory of the mark they made on our lives and release them. To feel is fabulous - to not feel? I can't imagine.  I don't want to, either.

There's always choices, yeah. We don't have to say thanks, or honour their memory, or release them. We can carry on like the proverbial pork chops and hang on - they'll walk away anyway, sooner or later;  we can rail against God, Fate or whatever we believe in - and that won't get us anywhere;  we can do a Romeo and Juliet act to be with our late beloved, and non-one's come back yet to say, "Yeah, that works!" or we can, as  Donnykinkster tried, move into a metaphorical cave and wrap up in cotton wool on the premise that NOW we can't be hurt. And it would be lonely. And you wouldn't have the joy, the vitality, the experiences, the tears, the now - of the wonderful and miraculous world you live in. There is no price on anything, other than the one you yourself set.

Where there's endings, there's beginnings - any Lord of the Rings fans out there will remember the ancient Bilbo, seeing the last Elven ship at its moorings, about  to sail for the Grey Havens and announcing, "I think I'm ready for another adventure!" And Frodo, too, leaves - faithful Samwise must stay behind to live his life.

Take your pick! And - hint - there's no 'right' answer.  

Edited March 2, 2020 by Vandalslut

[SolomanStrange]

Fredddy

Embrace every opportunity in life. 

We regret more in life, the things we don't do rather than the things we do. 

It also sounds like your already too far down the road not to get hurt.  So embrace the emotion,  run with it and feed it with love.  A little hurt feels the same as a lot of hurt, it passes, we can all control our emotions in the blink of an eye or snap of the fingers.  

As long as you come at this from a place of openness, gratitude and love everyone will benefit.  You never know what opportunities will come from this.

Letting *** dictate will only end in hurt and resentment from within you,  this could then emanate through the total dynamic making every thing toxic.

How will you feel if you stop this? How will you feel in 6 months, a year or more.

 

[ey****]

it's important to just focus on the now.  I could be a really fucking miserable downer here.... everything ends.  The folk we think we'll know forever can vanish before we know it.  If you look back at your life (say) 10 years ago and see how many people from it are in it now - it can be sad.   The old saying; one day you went out to play with your friends and it was the last time you all played together - but none of you knew it at the time.

Fuck.

So, with that in mind.  Don't think forward to things ending.  Think short-term on keeping it going, on keeping it working.  Like any other safety risk, mitigate what problems might arise and how to prevent or deal with them.

Good luck.

[Qu****]

Hi Fredddy 

you know me, we’ve chatted quite a bit and you know my situation. I try not to dwell on thinking about when my D/s relationship finally comes to an end. I’m under no illusion that it’s not a ‘real world’ relationship but right here, right now, it’s everything I could have dreamt of. It has all the raw emotions and feelings  like any other relationship does, if not more so because of the closeness 🐝 and I have. This doesn’t hold me back, if anything it makes it all the more intense. 
We’re enjoying every second doing this and each experience and memory will stay with us. When it does come to a natural conclusion , which it will, I want to look back with no regrets and not waste time now thinking about ‘the end’.

I think you’re losing sight of how fortunate you are to have found someone. Most people are never so lucky and will never find that special person who they click with on such a personal level. We are very fortunate.

So, look forward to exciting times my friend and just treasure and enjoy every moment!!

[BigPolly]

This is such a personal thing & as you know from our past chats I would much rather play with someone I don’t have emotional ties to as I find the thrill & the lack of reality far more fulfilling than an emotional connection. However for you I know this is very different....ok....this is all going to get a bit random but hopefully it’ll come together so that you can understand my autistic brain lol..... if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past 2yrs it’s that good health isn’t guaranteed to any of us. If you wake up tomorrow & have a stroke then what in life would you kick yourself for not doing? If one of those things is ‘missing out on the piece of your jigsaw that is kink’ then go with that. Don’t deny yourself only to be left with regrets or left wondering. There’s nothing to say this girl will walk away, it may actually be you who walks away first but is it worth denying yourself such pleasure because of ***. And if you do deny yourself that pleasure then aren’t you just going to go & then seek it elsewhere anyway? 
Having said that the brain is cruel & sometimes *** & hurt can be so overwhelming that that is stronger than anything. I lost my dog last August & the *** of that is still so raw I would never entertain the thought of another dog, not because I don’t want one but simply because I couldn’t ever revisit the *** that loosing something like that brings.

So what it boils down to is your brain! Are you going to allow your brain to take over & deny you pleasure for *** of what may or may not happen or are you going to take control of your brain & live life without any regrets ........

[Deleted Member]

I've always been told by friends to learn how to toughen up and stop falling in love so easily. I'm not very good at taking that advice.

I'm firmly in the "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" camp. Yes, the breakdown of a relationship is ***ful. Moreso, I found, with D/S. But once the *** subsided, I was left with beautiful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Enjoy it while it lasts and don't let the *** of the end disrupt the journey. Good luck. xXx

[Carnelian2]

I do fall in love easily. It hurts when it ends, but it feels so good when it is going on, so I go back for more. I try to avoid putting myself in situations where my actions can hurt others but that is also to look after my own emotional balance.

Yes, people come into our lives; sometimes to pass a message and sometimes to hang around for a bit longer. I have friends who maybe were only supposed to help me through a difficult time, but relationships changed and they still hang around, and I have those that have drifted. It does not matter. It is the now that matters and what we do with it. 

Yes, learn from the past but don't live in it. Yes, think about the future but don't forget that life is experienced now. In this very moment.

[Deleted Member]

Well what can I say? Thank you so much to everybody who took the time and trouble to reply to my post here. A huge amount of advice and observations to absorb and digest.

The underlying theme of it all though, seems to be that we all have to live for the here and now, to a degree at least. If we all spent our time worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year or in the next decade, then none of us would ever plan anything, would we?

So my fellow Kinksters, thank you all very much and I’ll carry on enjoying the here and now, and long may it last…!

[Wo****]

No one knows what'll happen in the future. Plans, and feelings, change.

Up until a few weeks ago I was adamant that I wanted a future with my LDR. Things change. Exploring a poly relationship with Pirate, my feelings changed. I don't want to be poly, I am poly. I just didn't realise until I'd experienced it in a positive way.

My LDR and I have talked about it all through it happening and he is still, and always will be, a huge part of my life, just in a different way. Our current relationship may have ended but we're embarking on a new one so it's more of a change than an end.

 

Treasure what you have, enjoy things while you have them and let go when you need to.

[Deleted Member]

So things have continued to develop with Jilly over the last few months, though because of Covid 19, physical interactions had been on hold for some of that time. It’s been a new experience for me to develop a hugely emotionally satisfying and fulfilling relationship without it being romantic. But it’s not just sex either. It’s on a completely different level. But my relationship with my wife is even stronger at the same time. Jilly said her relationship with her husband has also improved considerably and he also is happy. So it’s been a win-win.

I think that a lot of our success is down the fact that neither Jilly nor I have any hang-ups, taboos, “triggers”, or other issues, real or imagined. We both are only in it for fun, and that is really liberating. We are both equally prepared to experiment according to the other’s wishes, without problems, and it’s great!