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Hump Day Humor


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Posted

A circus owner runs a classified ad for a lion tamer. Two people show up in answer to the ad. One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a gorgeous brunette mid-twenties.

 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

 

The lion starts to snarl and pant, then begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

 

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Posted

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence" - said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating!..."
"It is a special day for me too ... I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.
"What a coincidence" - said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked: "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" - Said the farmer - "I am a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome!" - said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different cock" - he said.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence..."

Posted

A Dom goes to a sex toy shop to buy something which His sub could use to satisfy herself while He is away for 3 weeks on a business trip. He looks, but finds nothing that is satisfactory.

 

The shop’s cashier comes to him and asks what he wants. He explains everything to her. She says, "I have a special toy for you to see" and brings out a black velvet box, and opens it. Inside the box is a golden dildo. 

"What is so special about this?" asks the man. "Check this out" she replies and says "Voodoo Dildo, the door". The golden dildo rises from its black velvet box, levitates and moves towards and starts furiously banging the door until the door breaks. The cashier then says "Voodoo Dildo, the box" and the golden dildo flies back into the box and the lid closes.

Impressed, the man buys the golden dildo and takes it to His subbie. He says "I'm going away for 3 weeks on a business trip. If you ever feel horny, just open this box and say these words that I've written down".

A couple of weeks pass and His subbie gets really horny. She remembers what her Dom told her. She gets the black velvet box, opens it and reads aloud the following phrase "Voodoo Dildo, my vagina". The golden dildo rises from the box and starts working on her. 

After a while, having had a few orgasms, she's tired and wants to sleep. She tries to pull it out but is not able to. She then realizes that her boyfriend hadn't told her the words to stop it. She decides to go get medical help to have the golden dildo removed. Somehow, she manages to put on some clothes and gets into her car to drive herself to hospital ER.

In a state of panic, arousal and *** she's unable to drive the car properly and begins driving erratically.

 

Seeing a reckless driver, a police officer makes a traffic stop. As he approaches the drivers car window he sees this woman who's bodily heaving, sweating, panting and there's water everywhere. 

 

"Are you drunk?" asks the officer. "No, no officer, I'm perfectly sober" replies the woman. "Then what's the problem?" asks the officer. The woman embarrassedly tells him "I have a Voodoo Dildo stuck inside me. I'm going to the hospital to get it removed".

"Yeah right" replies the officer incredulously, not believing her. "Voodoo Dildo my ass".

Posted

Taylor Tomlinson comedy routine on the Tonight Show - https://youtu.be/UzYTkRbki0U

Posted (edited)

All you other pervs out there need a laugh from time to time before hump day rolls around right.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pHI5iUFX6eo
Spoiler Alert: This Tacoma FD episode is about a warehouse fire....

Edited by Deleted Member
Posted

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.
“£2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.

“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much *** do I have in my pocket?”

The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.

“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much *** does my wife have in her bank account?”

At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over 5 minutes non-stop.

“Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

Posted

A woman brought a limp duck to Dr. Seuss, a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the Dr’s examination table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr. Seuss

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. The Veterinarian returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. Then Labrador looked up at the Veterinarian with sad eyes and shook his head.

Dr. Seuss patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the exam table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The Veterinarian looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiably, dead duck.”

Dr. Seuss turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

Dr. Seuss shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it in the beginning, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

Posted

Two cowboys walk into a restaurant where a woman is choking. One cowboy walks over, lifts her skirt and licks her right across both butt cheeks. He saves her life, as she spits out whatever she was choking on. The 2nd cowboy asks his friend about what he just did. The first cowboy says, "I thought everybody knew about the hind lick maneuver for choking victims."

Posted (edited)

That is hilarious Paige. you have quite the sense of humor don’t you.

Edited by Deleted Member
Posted

I do try. What is life without laughter?

Posted

What would it mean to you if I licked you across both cheeks?

Posted

That I was being a good little subbie and not wearing the panties I'm not allowed to have. ;) 

Posted

That is the correct answer. There’s is more to it than that Paige. It would mean I am marking you as mine.

Posted

A deliberate action from a multi-faceted man. Considering our private conversations, I'm not surprised nor repulsed by your claiming. I expected and welcome it.

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. Somebody please, get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man stepped forward to the injured man, knelt down, leaned over the man and said to him in a solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

Posted

A guy gets hit by a car. He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks the nurse, If he will be ok.

The nurse replies with yes. Then, the nurse says, "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 thousand .

Do you have enough ***?"
The guy replies "No, unfortunately, *** is tight for me."

The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my ***. She is an unmarried nun."

The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God."
The guys says, "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Posted (edited)

This story begins with a cop pulling over an older lady after seeing her driving too slowly.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch s***ding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a s***der!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the s***d limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t s***ding, but you should know that driving slower than the s***d limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the s***d limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the s***d limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the s***d limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single word this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Edited by Deleted Member
  • 1 month later...
Posted

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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