Unsatisfied as a sub

[Snow579]

I’m feeling less submissive because I’m not receiving as much dominant play from my so as I would like.  We are still fairly new to bdsm.  I’m starting to not even want to make his food and do extra things for him because I don’t feel that I get anything in return for being a good sub.  We’ve had multiple serious conversations about the relationship but i just feel like he’s lazy.  I’m just not sure what to do to further push him or if it’s even a good idea. 

[Deleted Member]

Not everyone is a Dom. You might need to look elsewhere.

[ey****]

there are a few "Doms" that are just lazy guys wanting someone to run around after them - but obviously that gets very boring very quickly.

It's not going to work with him.

[Ar****]

Your relationship is a partnership and depends upon sharing and a give-take dynamic as much as any other; being sub to him does not in any way change that. If your conversations are not leading to any change or progress then I would suggest than domination is perhaps not really his thing and you need to ask yourself what is more important to you - exploring and developing your BDSM side, or your relationship with your SO. Unless you are both open to you finding your playtime experiences with somebody else, you sadly do not appear able to have both.

[Snow579]

Ugh these responses make me sad because I want so badly to have the best of both worlds with my SO but it doesn’t feel possible at the moment :(

[Jade96]

Im in the same situation

[Ar****]

It is saddening to read too, you ought to be able to have both.

 

If these aren't too personal things to ask... how long have you been with him? Would you describe him as lazy before you started exploring BDSM together, and if so would that have been something you could see yourself accepting long-term - perhaps even for the rest of your life - if the kink issues hadn't arisen?

[Snow579]

31 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

It is saddening to read too, you ought to be able to have both.

 

If these aren't too personal things to ask... how long have you been with him? Would you describe him as lazy before you started exploring BDSM together, and if so would that have been something you could see yourself accepting long-term - perhaps even for the rest of your life - if the kink issues hadn't arisen?

We’ve been together for nearly a year.  In the beginning it was extremely passionate lasting for a few hours at a time, and I told him some of what I wanted to try.  He seemed excited but never really explored it.  After some more conversations we explored a little bit more in the bedroom and it was fun each time, but then it went back to vanilla.. honestly if his energy was as high and he seemed as passionate as he was in the beginning it would be more tolerable being vanilla, but I honestly want to be able to submit 24/7 and I just don’t think he gets it.  I’m not sure if it’s something I can just ignore forever, and i think he’s starting to see that so I don’t really know what’s going to happen.

[Vandalslut]

1 hour ago, Snow579 said:

Ugh these responses make me sad because I want so badly to have the best of both worlds with my SO but it doesn’t feel possible at the moment

 

1 hour ago, Jade96 said:

Im in the same situation

OK, you two.  This isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the main event.  Most relationships start off very passionate, adventurous and exploratory and after several months they do settle down, as the mundane world intrudes to balance you both.  Groceries. Bills. Going to work. This doesn't mean the passion's gone, it just means that everyone involved is adjusting. In my age group - ahem! - at least in the early 1980s I saw so many of my girlfriends get married and start families - then forget about themselves or the sex life of the relationship. The marriages didn't last. I said then - that won't be me. I always made sure the Vandal came home from work to me looking as attractive as possible, a clean home and a meal getting ready.   I still do, after all these years.

If you're having trouble getting through to your SO, write it down.  Write him a letter, saying what you would like to/need to explore WITH HIM. Have a look around cyberspace - there's plenty of shopping sites, sites where you can watch short BDSM films, the magazine in this site - and ask him to look around with you. Get an idea of what you'd like to try. Often I've seen frustrated subs in here who are hinting to their SO what they'd like.  Don't drop hints - tell him.  That's how male SOs work.  Sometimes they take a bit of time to get used to the idea they are a Dom, or can be a Dom in a day and age riddled with husband/wife litigation and ***-in-marriage charges. It takes a bit of time for them to get used to the idea they can give the missus a solid spanking for her bratty behaviour or being late getting dinner on the table. Once they've got the idea, they're usually keen.  Good luck.

[Deleted Member]

Having it all as you speak is very hard to find simply because its about what 2 people want not just one . And most guys and most girls just arnt cut our for 24/7 which in its self something that's very hard to attain on a sustainable basis it's all about finding a balance between what you both want and what is realistic. If too much is asked nothing tends to get done and wheels just spin. Why not sit down and work out a few things to build In then build on that. Or he may just not be cut out and sonething else to remember think out how you bring it forward think about how you are saying it as previously said write it down or ask your S/o to do the same then compare note so to speak.

[Deleted Member]

But remember this is a relationship it's not all about what you want.

[Deleted Member]

Sounds like he is not into it, and is just using you . Time to ask him some serious questions

[Ar****]

7 hours ago, Snow579 said:

We’ve been together for nearly a year.  In the beginning it was extremely passionate lasting for a few hours at a time, and I told him some of what I wanted to try.  He seemed excited but never really explored it.  After some more conversations we explored a little bit more in the bedroom and it was fun each time, but then it went back to vanilla.. honestly if his energy was as high and he seemed as passionate as he was in the beginning it would be more tolerable being vanilla, but I honestly want to be able to submit 24/7 and I just don’t think he gets it.  I’m not sure if it’s something I can just ignore forever, and i think he’s starting to see that so I don’t really know what’s going to happen.

If there has been that change, a step back from long-lasting passion and excitement to vanilla, then maybe he has hit an issue he isn't being open with you about. This sort of thing can happen due to depression which he may be trying to mask (which would fit with the laziness if it is actually lethargy), or it could be stress/anxiety-related. In a way these things might be better for you, as they can be worked on and offer hope that once resolved things can go back to how they were - but he needs to open up about them first.

 

If such things aren't the issue then it looks like he just isn't willing to put the effort in any more 😞

[ey****]

8 hours ago, Snow579 said:

I honestly want to be able to submit 24/7

this was a convo I had a little bit this weekend with a bunch of kinky people.  It's actually exhausting have to be 'in role' 24/7 - and can lead to severe burn out of one or the other.  It may be he is finding exhausting keeping up with what you want, especially if it's something he doesn't want to get that much into.

Controversially - if your submission is draining and demanding on his time, then it's not submission.  

[Deleted Member]

Well i guess that in a Dom/sub relationsip both have to be into it 100%....  otherwise one wont be happy....     As written..  i sadly dont think it will last....  you will need more than he seems to want to give.....   it sounds hard but i think you will have to find a new Dom.....    if you cant live with what he offers.... good luck....  xxxxx

[cautiousswitch]

Still fairly new to BDSM?

That raises a few more questions.  How did you get started? Was it your idea? Was it his idea? Was it a mutual thing based off of some experience you had together (saw it in a movie or something)? Who initiated the multiple serious conversations that you had?

If you brought up the idea and started most of the conversations then it is possible that he really isn't into it, doesn't really know how to dominate, and is trying his best to give you what you want. Cut back on the submissive extras you are doing for him and wait for his reaction.  If he doesn't seem to notice then he wasn't into it. 

 

[Phoenyx]

Question:  Do you know what feeds his dominant energies?  I don't mean stroking his ego, or taking-on extra tasks to please him.  It's more in the subtle ways that you respond to his expressions of dominance.  Does he seem superior?  Does he always seem to have the answers?  Does he appear to have a mastery of virtually any situation?  Can he finish your sentences for you?  If you have a lot of "No's" to such questions, that those doubts are choking-off the energy that you transfer to him.  Dominance takes a lot of stamina, and he is becoming drained.  It is your responsibility, as a sub, to help replenish that energy.

It really sounds like you are both quite inexperienced.  You were not prepared or in-shape for the rigors of a BDSM life.  You are both becoming tired and drained.  The cycle of energy flow is not what it should be.  Basically, you expending a lot of effort, just spinning your wheels.

You might want to take a look at some of my other posts on dominance, eye contact, and reading body language.  Pass this info on to your S/O, and encourage him to practice such skills in everyday life.  This should also feed his dominant energy.

I hope you didn't take this response as a chastisement.  I was not meant to be.  It's merely a little hard advice, to hopefully rekindle your BDSM relationship.  Your rapport appears to be in critical condition, and badly in need of a jump-start.

As a final note---a take-it-or-leave-it thought---is there much of a fetish scene where you live?  Perhaps, more contact with other kinky couples will help.  Fetish events are also great boosters of both dominant and submissive energies.  You will definitely feel it.  Such events would certainly help you to gain experience.  Maybe, even a little play outside the relationship might help.  But, that is all for you and your S/O to decide.  Good luck!

[Vandalslut]

12 hours ago, Aranhis said:

If there has been that change, a step back from long-lasting passion and excitement to vanilla, then maybe he has hit an issue he isn't being open with you about. This sort of thing can happen due to depression which he may be trying to mask (which would fit with the laziness if it is actually lethargy), or it could be stress/anxiety-related. In a way these things might be better for you, as they can be worked on and offer hope that once resolved things can go back to how they were - but he needs to open up about them first.

 

If such things aren't the issue then it looks like he just isn't willing to put the effort in any more 😞

This does happen sometimes in any sort of relationship - known as 'the honeymoon's over'.  Just as a lot of women stopped bothering with trying to look attractive, a lot of men adopted the, 'Well, I've got you now, I don't have to send flowers or take you out for dinner'.  But as good Aranhis says, there may be something  that he's hiding.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to disappointed you but if he give you after a year he’s definitely not into it. He might have done it to please you but you can’t *** someone to be a Dom. They act it but look like it’s the end of the game. Now it’s time to assess if you live him and want to spend your life with him knowing you will feel frustrated or just take the courage to end that relationship and find someone suitable for you. 

[Th****]

It's quite simple really, he's not a dom, he's a switch leaning towards sub, your probably more dominant then he is, why dont you try and flip it around on him try and get him to punish you

[Wo****]

13 minutes ago, TheKing said:

It's quite simple really, he's not a dom, he's a switch leaning towards sub, your probably more dominant then he is, why dont you try and flip it around on him try and get him to punish you

How did you come to that conclusion?

 

[Wo****]

Talk to him. Tell him what you'd like to explore with him. Ask him what he wants.