New Here? Some Advice

[cautiousswitch]

It's only been week two for me here, but there are some recurring themes I've been seeing.  Here's a little advice based on what I've seen.

When asking advice, give details.  "I'm new to this, what should I do?" will get you a lot of welcomes.  It will get you a lot of advice based on the likes and dislikes of the person responding and not necessarily meeting your needs.  It will also get you a lot of requests for more information. 

There is a term, sub frenzy.  It's basically when a submissive hasn't practiced BDSM for a while and starts to have "withdraw symptoms" - they may become less safety conscious or they may become more annoying, they're just desperate to have a session.  I'm not sure if this term would apply to new practitioners or if there is a similar term for them, but I remember when I first started it was like going to the amusement park and wanting to ride all the rides; I had thought about and set some limits but within those limits my thoughts were "do to me whatever you want."  Most dominants don't like this.  They understand that a new person is overwhelmed with all the possibilities but like to see some indication that the newbie has thought things out a little.  Did the decision to join this site and start practicing BDSM happen immediately after you learned about the lifestyle? Probably not; there was most likely a period where you thought about it and your interests built up.  Tell about one aspect that peaked your interests and ask for advice on planning a first session around it.

Consider the subsets of BDSM.  I primarily like bondage, for some reason the *** feeling intrigues me.  I really don't like ***, but someone being able to inflict *** on me while bound emphasizes that I'm ***.  Telling those facts allows others to better advise me if I'm asking for help.

If another person is involved then we're going to want information about them too.  "Me and my partner have decided we want to try..." How did you decide? You've both been curious and one day it came up in conversation? One of you has been interested and asked the other who has not shown previous interest but is willing to try? Do they know that you're asking for help from strangers on the internet? Would they be comfortable with your sharing things they said when discussing it?

What are your limits? If you haven't thought about limits then maybe you aren't ready to try any of this.  If you have thought about limits then you should share those before asking advice from a bunch of strangers.

Beware of wannabes.  There are people who want you to believe that they have more experience than they really do. 

Beware of twues.  Twue is a derogatory term used for a person who believes that their way is the only true way to practice a certain activity.  There are some universal rules - consent, communication, safety concerns etc. - that the general community agrees on.  Outside of these don't be discouraged if someone belittles you for "doing it wrong" when referring to a specific aspect of play.  Advice from some twues is dangerous - "It's not true domination if you allow them to have a safety word," is a dangerous twueth.  (I've never heard twueth substituted for truth before, but couldn't resist.)

 

[Deleted Member]

Great post, @cautiousswitch

I wasn't aware you were so new to the site. You've made some thoughtful contributions in the forum. Good to have you here. 

I particularly like this part of your post: 

> Outside of these don't be discouraged if someone belittles you for "doing it wrong" when referring to a specific aspect of play. 

Yes. Between the Safety Police and the One Twue Wayers, it can stop you trying anything, if you're naturally cautious. But there's always someone out there who thinks they can crack a bull whip because they've seen it done in the movies and they're the ones we need to watch out for. 

 

[Deleted Member]

Love this post. All common sense. But we all know that common sense isn’t all that common, is it? There’s loads I could add, but I’ll restrain myself, as it’s all been said before.

Ms Rose is bang on too: just because someone thinks they can do something well, it doesn’t necessarily follow that they actually can.

The well-respected Lazy Pirate has on several occasions warned of the dangers of “experts”. An “ex” is a “has-been” and a “spurt” is a “little drip”, of course. Those who claim to be experts, rarely are.

I have learned (probably the hard way) that the sooner we all accept, in a spirit of humility, that we all individually know very little and have lots to learn, then the sooner we are inducted by the rest of the community into the vast world of learning and knowledge that comes from being humble enough to first listen, and secondly apply, that which we are taught by those who’ve already been there, done that.

So take a bow in no particular order, Black Sheep, Pirate, Bounty, Ms Rose, Vandalslut, Phoenix, Aranhis, Polly, Queenie and quite a few others that I’ve sadly failed to mention here. Thank you for your insights. These are probably the ones to listen to and take advice from. And from what I read, I have a feeling that the Cautious Switch will be added to this elite list in the not too distant future...

[Deleted Member]

An excellent post that I feel all new people should read.
Also I vote that Twueth be recognised as a legitimate term for describing a statement from a twue as it's too damn cute and funny.