New dom need advice

[Revenge517]

So me and my wife have been dabbling into this. Im dom she is brat. She has had some prior experience compared to me, but trust me i doing my job in learning. However, it seems i can only Dom when she is in the mood and wants me to Dom. Otherwise if i give a simple command or say inwant to play with her i get the constant i am not in the mood. Its my body and i dont have to give it to you whenever. (Which i know there are boundries but this are all withing the boundries we have discussed). This leaves me unsure when i can dom and when i cant and is causing quite the frustration. Now she says she isnt sure about the whole thing. I have been dabbling with this i would say for the past 3-4 months and its definitely something i highly enjoy and want to incorporate into my life in one way or another. If you can help a new dom out that would be appreciated!

[Dreamaway]

Think you have to respect your wife as a wife first before any BDSM dynamic is considered. Of course if it were the case you weren't married and hadn't spoken those little vow things the situation could be deemed to be a full Dom/Sub relationship where your previously agreed rules would be en***able and maybe you would punish her. You need a deep discussion to clear the fog of confusion which could engulf you both and threaten to destabilise a marriage where she has already agreed to dabble to keep you satisfied. Good luck. Stay Safe.

[Mo****]

Mate there are several things here that seem to be a problem.  First up we don't know the full dynamics of your relationship, and as we know, each relationship dynamic is different.  There are many things that affect relationships, not just here in the world of kink, but life in general.  Some things that would help understand your relationship and situation better would be, does she work, do you have kids, what was your sex life like before you started dabbling, how long have you been together, Who had the idea of dabbling in the first place.  Also you mentioned she has had some prior experience, so how long ago, has she been totally honest with her experience - in your opinion, because you know her better than we do.

As with any relationship, honest open communication is the essential key, and so is trust.  So I can only presume that she has not been totally honest with her previous experiences, and was looking for that excitement again, but it is not hitting her mental 'G' spot allowing her to fully enjoy what you guys have been up to.

Now this life is supposed to be fun, exciting, blissful and full of contentment, but if it ain't happening for her, even though you have put yourself on that steep learning curve, then something is amiss, as you are pointing out.

For me, it is a must, that I get inside the head of my subs, to know them as well as, or even better than they know themselves, and when this happens, it is remarkable what can be achieved.

[Revenge517]

So long story as short as i can. Me and wife got married almost 10 years ago. We had split up after about 3 years together. ( because of financial and others getting in the middle of relationship. Plus we were pretty young too.) Any way she was single for a while and i ended up with a different girl. Fast forward to summer 2019. Im single and me and the wife were just talking. She was seeing this other guy ( they werent dating or anything.) He started teaching her about being a sub and dom and would play with her. So she has only been dabbling in this since july and me since octoberish? We do not have kids, she works, but right now is home due to the covid 19 and will probably be home for the next month as well. Im home for now as well (thought maybe that would allow us plenty of time for scenes and exploring) I briefly talked to her. She said its a trust thing? Not sure how if she could let that guy she hooked up with do things to her. Our sex prior was pretty vanilla. I liked tying her up previously and always loved using toys and spanking. She got into it sooner than i did, but ive always wanted to do things like this. I did breifly in highschool with one chick and it was amazing. Its either i try and play my role and she says she dont want to do that now, or i give her space and im not Dom enough. Catch 22

[Deleted Member]

The other contributors have already made very important points, which will help. As you've now told more about your situation...and it's a huge help...there are some pointers which suggest why you might be frustrated, and you need to reflect on.
Your wife mentions "trust". You also say you drifted apart after three years of your ten years together. She's been with someone who introduced her to a dom/sub connection. You wonder why she can't just switch on when you want her to. You talked briefly to her about a dom/sub connection. These are massive signposts, which need to be dealt with.
Now that you're both away from work, use time to be totally open and honest with each other. Talk like there's no tomorrow. Find out what she means by "trust". Maybe the dtifting apart 7 years ago unnerved her and she's trying to come to terms with you and her together. Listen, listen, listen to her desires, needs and fantasies. Understand what she means. Dig deep to find out what really makes her wish to submit. And, most importantly take time to develop this new aspect to your relationship. You need to build her confidence in you. Patience, accepting, relaxing, considering, getting inside her head, make her comfortable in your presence, do things for her, bath her, wash her hair, dry her, massage her with her favourite oils, build her up...but don't expect instant results. Little steps develop you both.
The other guy she saw, may well have had the gift of gently coaxing and building her up. You need to use ways to do the same. Be patient, be loving, communicate, accept rejection to some ideas, but as you develop, new interests might appear. Use everything you can, to nurture a genuine, joint relationship. There's no "I" in "team". If you're a team, respect the other player.
Hope this helps.

[cautiousswitch]

This may seem a bit rude, but next time she says your not dom enough tell her its a trust thing.  If she asks what that means, it means precisely the same thing when she says it to you.

Obviously she doesn't want a 24/7 D/s relationship but wants to play occasionally.  There's nothing wrong with that except that she expects you to somehow know when she wants to play and when she doesn't.  She also seems to think that you should be ready to play when she wants to but you aren't allowed to expect the same from her.

At some point, someone is going to point out the importance of communication.  Make sure you explain your point of view when you do communicate.  Try to start the communication and explain the problem sometime far enough away from one of these incidents that you don't appear to be angry or whiny because you haven't gotten your way.

It may come down to having to schedule playtime, which is going to come across as very non-dom.  You could arrange a signal for her to use when she is in the mood but that doesn't allow for the fact that you won't always be in the mood.

[rossco-4359]

Simply the best advice is to sit down with your wife & explain what is making you upset. Make sure that you respect her boundaries & that you are both calm & comfortable talking about your honest feelings. I once had a partner that liked the idea of spontaneously being dominant but obviously this would only be when she’s in the mood or willing to be submissive. One idea we had was that she wore a specific top or would say a certain phrase that let me knew she was in the mood for me to take control & be dominant. The most important thing to remember is that no matter how real the idea of Dom/sub games are if your partner is not in the mood you cannot then that you have to respect that because trying to *** someone into anything is something very different should be never happen

[Deleted Member]

There are a lot of variables at play here and I don't want to make any assumptions but I think you need to do a relationship health check on these 4 things: 

Trust

Respect

Honesty

Communication

These things have to be really tight for a BDSM relationship to work. She's mentioned trust already... so what does she mean? And that has to flow both ways too. You have to feel a greater sense of trust from her that she accepts your dominance, which right now you're not getting. 

Added to that, dominance is a skill that takes time to learn. The most important aspect of dominance, as far as I'm concerned, is being able to read and interpret what's going on with your sub/partner. Yes, there are times when you can make a demand because you are the Dom... but if your sub isn't in the right headspace to act on that demand, you are setting yourself up for a problem, that ultimately will harm your dynamic. So, you need to be able to read what's going on mentally and emotionally with her, before you make the demand. 

That comes back to having really excellent communication. Has she had a tough day at work, or have other people been making demands on her? Would she be more receptive to being dommed if you helped her out with the housework, or ran her a hot bath first?  

A good Dom/me knows that these things make them a better dominant, and able to get more out of their sub in the long run.