Old school standards meets new school expectations

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

both are the same. I am, i don't act.

The issue with me is I am extremely dominant in all other aspects of my life and only my true submissive self with the right person. 

[ey****]

21 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

The issue with me is I am extremely dominant in all other aspects of my life and only my true submissive self with the right person. 

see

I don't see submissive/Dominant outside of a relationship as anything else anywhere else in life

there's lots of assorted tropes around this 

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

see

I don't see submissive/Dominant outside of a relationship as anything else anywhere else in life

there's lots of assorted tropes around this 

Could you elaborate?

[Si****]

42 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

The issue with me is I am extremely dominant in all other aspects of my life and only my true submissive self with the right person. 

I can understand that. Many high powered people are in full control of others all day and they find handing over that control to someone else an escape from the norm.

[Si****]

Side note, this site is stupid. I post a comment and I have to wait for a moderator to approve my comment. By the time they do it, the convo has moved on. Having been very active on this site, i feel unvalued having to be babysat like this.

[TheAlphaSub]

This post is everything. 

Note the username. 

I'm glad for that first reply Typhoon2. 

Its such a telling and immediately off putting thing for me to receive that message where a man I've never interacted with immediately starts calling me baby and refers to himself as daddy. It's clear to me immediately that I want nothing to do with that person. 

If the respect is absent from the beginning its an obvious red flag. 

I am submissive but I'm not a doormat and certainly not a sub for just anyone. A man has to earn that place. Most men who call themselves a Dominant seem to be nothing more than a horny, mentally stalled ***r. 

Its a place that is earned and so it should be.

You get the *** of thorns  way before you're gifted with the velvet of the rose

[Deleted Member]

37 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

Side note, this site is stupid. I post a comment and I have to wait for a moderator to approve my comment. By the time they do it, the convo has moved on. Having been very active on this site, i feel unvalued having to be babysat like this.

 

You might not be aware that every post in Kink Academy has to be approved, so it's nothing personal @SirGreen. I think it's to do with Kink Academy being available in the app... something to do with Apple and Google.  They don't like our filth so I suppose the moderators keep an eye on what gets published here.  

[Deleted Member]

53 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

I can understand that. Many high powered people are in full control of others all day and they find handing over that control to someone else an escape from the norm.

So when I first interest I’m interacting as me... the dominant person in day to day life. I only become submissive with the right person. How do I break that mould? How do I portray my submissive nature while being myself? 

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

So when I first interest I’m interacting as me... the dominant person in day to day life. I only become submissive with the right person. How do I break that mould? How do I portray my submissive nature while being myself? 

I don't think you should change that until you've decided to enter a D/s relationship with someone. It is a tricky one, though, isn't it? The line can be hard to perceive. 

Here are things I would ensure, and these are things I like to see in a submissive before I consider them for a D/s relationship: 

• Good manners, politeness, respect
• Not being a total potty mouth (that's my job)
• Not interrupting in conversation
• Listening and responding to show they've listened
• Punctuality and reliability
• Integrity: do what they say they're going to do and don't make excuses

You can do all these things and still be yourself, the dominant person in your day to day life. 

[TheAlphaSub]

13 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

How do I break that mould? How do I portray my submissive nature while being myself? 

I don't think you need to, I don't think you are the problem 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, TheAlphaSub said:

I don't think you need to, I don't think you are the problem 

It’s just a difficult blurred line to decipher... I don’t think anyone believes they are the problem. I know on occasion I’ve reflected and realised I was the problem through bad attitude or defensiveness. I want to get to a point where the conversation isn’t approached with any prejudices from either side. I appreciate this is difficult as everyone has a past and therefore could hold resentment towards the persons role of choice and not them but I guess that’s just me chasing the ideal. 💗

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, little_dark_princess said:

That being said SirGreen do you approach as your role or as you? 

You asked Sir Green this question - it's a good one - and he said, both are the same. 

If you've a Dominant nature, and you inhabit the role of a Dominant, that is going to come across in many of your interactions in life. But it is really important that BDSM Dominants are responsible about using their Domination tricks on submissives before a relationship has been agreed upon.

I'm not implying you would do these things, @SirGreen, but I have experienced it in the past with others.

They have a collection of statements and questions they employ to test a submissive's reaction. They start playing this game, which is partly an assessment of the sub but also the beginning of influencing them. If the sub melts a little bit when they say, "Your eyes tell me everything," they note that away for later, pleased to see she (it's nearly always a woman) is responsive to their Domination tricks. 

I expect this should be a separate thread though might not be very popular with the Dominant men on the site. They don't want submissive women to know how they operate. But I prefer honesty and transparency. And why should a submissive woman be accused of not being submissive enough when what they most likely mean is that their tricks didn't elicit the response they were hoping for.

......

I hope this isn't too far off the topic of LDP's original post. I get the feeling that you're being batted around by some Doms who have varying levels of integrity, @little_dark_princess, and your post here is about scrutinizing yourself, when maybe it's their behaviour  that needs to be scrutinized more closely.

 

[Annalou]

2 hours ago, SirGreen said:

Side note, this site is stupid. I post a comment and I have to wait for a moderator to approve my comment. By the time they do it, the convo has moved on. Having been very active on this site, i feel unvalued having to be babysat like this.

Hello! This is because your comment is going into the Kink Academy, which is a very delicate forum because it is the only one allowed on the FET app. Apple and Google do not allow adult content on their app stores, so this is a purely educational and for those looking for advice from other members in the community. All content on here – including comments – must be pre-approved. We have to keep it above board in their eyes to remain open to all! <3

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MsWhiteRose said:

I hope this isn't too far off the topic of LDP's original post. I get the feeling that you're being batted around by some Doms who have varying levels of integrity, @little_dark_princess, and your post here is about scrutinizing yourself, when maybe it's their behaviour  that needs to be scrutinized more closely.

 

Thank you for your reply @MsWhiteRose I really wasn’t trying to scrutinise myself and I hope that’s not all that’s come across. I’m trying to improve the first impression I may or may not make and also address my sometimes defensive attitude 💗

[Rocknrolla313]

For me the dynamic does not start until you both agree it does. Until then its simply a conversation. No power exchange or protocol requirements.. Just a mutually respectful conversation about what you both want, need, expect and desire.

[Deleted Member]

38 minutes ago, Rocknrolla313 said:

For me the dynamic does not start until you both agree it does. Until then its simply a conversation. No power exchange or protocol requirements.. Just a mutually respectful conversation about what you both want, need, expect and desire.

So just good old respect and manners 💗

[ey****]

On 4/23/2020 at 4:56 PM, little_dark_princess said:

Could you elaborate?

one of the kinda tropes is the people who will write "Dominate in streets, submissive in the sheets" often as if it's unique, but it's not.

but also - this ties in a lot with some medias - but, like, there's assorted sex work stories that the press always run.  And, one of the common stories is the success story where they will speak to a Pro Domme who does really well and there'll be some form of question about different types of client and the answer the press always look for and love to run is the story of a wealthy/succesful CEO or manager who really likes to be submissive - and usually it'll be something like that the person has so much control all the time they like to be without control - or that they have to somewhat horrible or ruthless towards staff or customers and so do it through a kinda guilt.

That kinda trope.  I know I'm speaking malesub here - but - it comes up a lot with others who are submissive in different elements of femsub - there's some female subs I know who often have to have a lot of shit together or a lot of responsibility - but, also those that don't

[ReddRabbit]

Hi, LD Princess -

I realize I’m a little late to the conversation, but this is a topic that’s rather dear to me, and one I was just discussing with a friend, actually.  We were both brought up in the “traditional” way in BDSM culture - meaning one starts out as a sub, and then if you find that you have more Dominant tendencies, you evolve in that direction over the years.  In other words, he and I have never done anything to a sub which we haven’t had done to us first, MANY times.  I feel that this instills a level of respect and understanding.  

And so, it makes me angry when I hear that these “old school”, more mature Doms expect this level of immediate “obedience” and subservience from someone new in the community, running you through some bs litmus tests which are frankly just a front for their own agenda.  

Don't buy a bit of it.  

You’ve already received some fantastic advice from the lovely people here, so I’m just adding my own two cents worth.  

As a Pro-Domme and Switch in my personal life, I look for a Dom who knows better than to demand anything from me until we are in a complete mutual understanding, and that takes time and an actual exchange of respect.  All D/s relationships are unique.  And ultimately, you are the one who sets the limits.  Any true Dom understands this, and would not dare to make demands of you until much discussion has taken place, and a clear understanding of what both of your needs, desires, and expectations are. 

Don’t settle for anything less, darling. This is a beautiful world you’re entering into. Navigate it with your eyes open and your dignity intact!

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, ReddRabbit said:

Hi, LD Princess -

I realize I’m a little late to the conversation, but this is a topic that’s rather dear to me, and one I was just discussing with a friend, actually.  We were both brought up in the “traditional” way in BDSM culture - meaning one starts out as a sub, and then if you find that you have more Dominant tendencies, you evolve in that direction over the years.  In other words, he and I have never done anything to a sub which we haven’t had done to us first, MANY times.  I feel that this instills a level of respect and understanding.  

And so, it makes me angry when I hear that these “old school”, more mature Doms expect this level of immediate “obedience” and subservience from someone new in the community, running you through some bs litmus tests which are frankly just a front for their own agenda.  

Don't buy a bit of it.  

You’ve already received some fantastic advice from the lovely people here, so I’m just adding my own two cents worth.  

As a Pro-Domme and Switch in my personal life, I look for a Dom who knows better than to demand anything from me until we are in a complete mutual understanding, and that takes time and an actual exchange of respect.  All D/s relationships are unique.  And ultimately, you are the one who sets the limits.  Any true Dom understands this, and would not dare to make demands of you until much discussion has taken place, and a clear understanding of what both of your needs, desires, and expectations are. 

Don’t settle for anything less, darling. This is a beautiful world you’re entering into. Navigate it with your eyes open and your dignity intact!

Thank you @ReddRabbit (favourite colour btw) 

your words not only settle me and make me realise I’m not wrong in my approach but they give me great hope. When I wrote this I was sure I wasn’t doing my role any justice. This mostly came from hearing it over and over but like you say.... it’s them. I’m not tarring all Dominants old or young with the same brush as I’ve met many that I now call friends and mentors. I haven’t found “the one’” yet but I’m confident I will. 💗

[ReddRabbit]

54 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

Thank you @ReddRabbit (favourite colour btw) 

your words not only settle me and make me realise I’m not wrong in my approach but they give me great hope. When I wrote this I was sure I wasn’t doing my role any justice. This mostly came from hearing it over and over but like you say.... it’s them. I’m not tarring all Dominants old or young with the same brush as I’ve met many that I now call friends and mentors. I haven’t found “the one’” yet but I’m confident I will. 💗

I’m so glad that I could be of some small help. You are doing all the right things, which is being an emotionally engaged, mindful participant in this culture.  You will find the proper one for you - indeed, maybe even more than one along the way. I owe a great debt to all the mentors and lovers I’ve met along the way.  I wish you all the best. 💜

[Deleted Member]

I think during the communication stage you will have your guts starting to kick in and feel you are in the same wave. Just use some specific questions and assess if he fit your criterias. You have high expectations and it might take a while to find the right Dom for you. But sometime luck struck at the right moment so don't despair. And for your submissive side showing up? maybe one specific word, his voice, something which made you laugh top you over your sub side  

 

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I think during the communication stage you will have your guts starting to kick in and feel you are in the same wave. Just use some specific questions and assess if he fit your criterias. You have high expectations and it might take a while to find the right Dom for you. But sometime luck struck at the right moment so don't despair. And for your submissive side showing up? maybe one specific word, his voice, something which made you laugh top you over your sub side  

 

Definitely just a waiting game 💗

[Zy****]

@little_dark_princess Well being a Dom in the 30s range but way too far in to cough 20s believably. Here is how I do things. When I have a prospective sub, I question her 1000 different ways just to make sure we might be compatible, some call this the communication phase... I don't as I have yet to find a phase I don't have to communicate in... Then after I think we may be compatible and apparently she does too. We move on to negotiating terms, by this point she should have some idea of what kind of Dom I am and what I am looking for shouldn't really be any surprises at this point. That said both sides have a clear point to which to address any situations and bluntly state needs, wants and limits. Make sure they align and then she can choose if she is interested in being my sub. Then though out the entire relationship COMMUNICATE and address problems or modify rules that need tweaks or just to reset and make sure both sides are following terms.

[Kaelloric]

I'm right there. I take a Maslow's approach. Every submissive has her needa and wants, and cannot always tell the difference. I don't deserve your obedience. I expect to earn the right to control.

The deeper understanding of communication and consent to control seems to be lacking in the younger generation of Dominants. It takes time and experience to grasp. Very few will seek out an older Dominant for instruction. Good lessons can come from unexpected places.

[Deleted Member]

You described me to a T