BDSM isn't about sex and I keep getting this wrong

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

maybe you overthinking too much. 

ok bdsm not always sexual ( I guess you are talking about physically?) plenty of dynamics with no sexual contact between partners.

Kink is by definition about sex. I don't think going sexual at the start would stop doing other things. `May as well get that sorted from the start and concentrated on other part of the dynamics. 

Old school? waiting months for what purpose? I think we all are adult and intelligent enough to decide if we are compatible and could work nicely on the lasting relationship. Most of my connections were made within a month and relationship last long enough. 

Some online subs like to just having a Dom a week or vice versa. Its a free world and people should be able to chose their own way of bdsm/kink. I am not into policing or dynamic shaming. 

But you are right to say some will be hurt mentally if they chose for the instant dynamics... 

 

 

No, I'm not just talking about physical sex. I'm including cyber sex and distance BDSM activities. 

And I'm making a distinction between BDSM and Kink.  I don't like 'kink' - it doesn't define how I see myself.  I prefer to call it BDSM, as that has the traditions and protocols that I believe matter.  

I'm glad you've had happy, long lasting relationships, Severus. There are a lot of people who have been hurt and suffer ***, sadness, loneliness in this community.  I am only acknowledging that. 

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Leisa said:

You always help me out more than you know. 

 

That's a lovely surprise to me, @Leisa. Thank you x

[Wo****]

Bdsm relationships, like vanilla ones, aren't always about sex although i (personally) think it has a lot to do with sex.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a purely sexual relationship and i think the time span between getting to know someone and being intimate depends on the individual dynamic.

I have been physically intimate within a few weeks of chatting to someone. Pirate and i had only been chatting a few weeks before we met and the original dynamic was something casual, short term and sexually based. It progressed into what we have now.

 

I had sex with my ex the night we met, pretty much moved in, was with him 25 years (although that particular relationship isn't exactly a good advert)

 

I think a lot depends on how you go about things. Bdsm, i think for a lot of people, is about sex but it's also about friendship, honesty, being yourself, getting to know people and build relationships.

 

 

[Vandalslut]

On 4/26/2020 at 1:47 AM, MsWhiteRose said:

People's feelings are not insignificant. 

So true. No matter what the relationship is, the feelings of others are NEVER insignificant. Lately, there's been a few mentions by members who are receiving unsolicited contact from members who have obviously NOT read  the profile of the person they are contacting - because they're in a steaming great rush to get into bed and get down to it.  One such lately was a male submissive who rushed to contact a heterosexual male Dominant and despite being told "no" - politely - persisted.  "Why not?" The Dominant in question is a gentleman in the best sense of the word and managed to keep his temper despite rising anger at the male sub's hectoring persistence. He could have reported the matter or blocked the sender - but he didn't want to be hurtful to someone who seemed to be new to the kink world and ignorant of any sort of etiquette.

We all have feelings; we don't like our feelings hurt; and most people do not like hurting the feelings of others. The damage can last quite a long time.  Unfortunately, it happens far too often in this cyberspace world.  It's too easy to be angry, say so and then press 'send'.  And then those hurtful, unpleasant words go public. We can try to delete or remove once we've regretted this hasty action...but someone, somewhere, has downloaded it, printed it or taken a screen shot.  It never goes away.

4 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

But you are right to say some will be hurt mentally if they chose for the instant dynamics... 

Coffee is instant and instant dynamics belong to the professional world.  In both vanilla and kink,  in any day or age, there are relationships where one will feel a kinship or connection at any level - spiritual, sexual, emotional - that the other does not. And when this connection does not go both ways, the break needs to be done gently, carefully and clearly.  Not on-line.  Not via SMS. And not with a lot of unpleasant and unnecessary vitriol.  

Edited April 26, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Wo****]

When Pirate and I first met, it started as something finite. I was in a LDR, convinced that I'd be moving over to be with him sometime next year. He knew about Pirate and he was happy for me to play, and explore things, until I was with him.

There have been huge changes in all areas of my life in the last few years, particularly these last few months, and I've discovered that I actually like living alone and I've realised that I was, and am, falling in love with Pirate.

We are so different on one level in that I'm highly emotional and impulsive, he's logical and methodical yet it enhances what we have. Our bond and connection means our D/s dynamic within our impact play sessions is exquisite. We built up that relationship, we'd talk for hours on end about what we wanted, our kinks, limits and boundaries. Our thoughts on various topics, like SSC, RACK, and CNC. We chatted about non kink stuff, too, who we were, what we wanted out of life, work, our goals.

I never dreamed that being poly would be something I wanted. There have been a lot of revelations along the way. A few weeks ago my LDR and I acknowledged that what I thought I wanted had changed. We agreed to remain friends.

Pirate and I are looking at the possibility of living together next year which is kind of ironic given that it's one of the reasons my LDR called it quits but living with Pirate could/would work. We understand our dynamic. We'd have our rules and we're very similar in our needs for personal space.

I love that I have the freedom but I still have the security of our relationship. His relationships with others doesn't affect ours and ours is pretty damn cool!

I got asked recently how I could "share the man I love"....

I've been pondering that...

I don't see it as sharing him. When I'm with him, he is totally mine (and me his) and I'm part of his life in general not just in it.

 

Pirate and I met through bdsm and sex but it developed into something deeper so it isn't always just about sex but it's often a starting point.