Initial negotiations

[Imgoingplaces]

Hello,  and thank you for taking the time to read my post.  I am not new to bdsm but my goal here is to refine some of what I know and expand on that.  I have a question for the doms out there 

 

I meet most of my subs using dating apps,  I present some basic needs and expectations in my bio (on my profile) and women respond with various levels of interest.  They provide a phone number and I text them a basic idea of what I’m looking for.  During this time,  I find myself wanting to dominate them mentally from the moment we start texting,  if they try to take control of the convo , or maybe say something dominant to me,  wether that be their personality or them testing me,  my reaction is to usually close off immediately and wish them the best.  Usually saying something along the lines of “clearly this is not for you”  

 

Is it wrong of me to expect such obedience and respect from the moment I meet them? I feel like it is but i also feel like I can’t show any weakness,  especially early on 

 

thanks 

Edited December 11, 2017 by Imgoingplaces

[Carnelian2]

We are all people. I think that people should be given space and time to get to know each other. If you are looking for a totally obedient 24/7 slave with no mind of her own. Say so! You might be surprised. Well, you will be; one way or another

[Deleted Member]

I think its important to show that you are a caring and listening Dom. I dont think obedience should be brought into play/trained during texts. This is something that needs to be done in person. Only first is communication, followed by trust and only then does consent appear. With consent, the sub will hand over their power for you to control. As a dom you don't take it, it is given. That is true submission. Happy to chat more in messages. Always love discussing these things!

[Robustlove]

I agree with Carnelia2 and his message above. We are all human and that bears remembering in all situations.

 

Now as a Dom myself with over a decade of BDSM experience and experience of meeting, seducing and training new submisssives I can understand what you have said and the feelings of need to Dominate somebody mentally straight away as soon as you are in contact with them. I too struggled with this need when I was first starting out and it's something that you need to reign in about your own needs. As a Dom you need to exercise self-control at all times, so this also applies to your messaging and contact with potential new submissives. Because here's the juxtaposition that you need to understand as a Dominant in the BDSM context. In any of your D/s relationships, ultimately it is the submissive who has the ultimate control over hard boundaries, limits and how far you can push, play and experiment with them. This is because without the submissive and them gifting you their submission you are just a horny Dom with no submissive and lots of kinky desires.

 

Now for a submissive to give you the gift of their submission  they need to be able to get to know your first and during this process they need to get to know you well enough that they TRUST you with their submission. Submission should not be given nor demanded without the four pillars of any good D/s relationship being in place. Getting these four pillars in place and getting to know your submissive should be an enjoyable act of seduction where you are slowly beginning to fill your submissive with desire for you and an overwhelming desire to grant yo their submission. So try not to expect anyone to juts turn up and submit to you straight away and understand that it is OK for your submissive to talk or lead those initial conversations in any way they may wish, as the ultimate aim to to lead them into thinking about nothing more than allowing you to take the lead. 

 

Here's a little food for thought my friends, it explains what I consider to be the foundations of any good BDSM relationship I enter into and you should keep this in mind when looking for and choosing a new potential Submissive.

The four tenets of everything I do in the BDSM world are as follows:

1 – Consent
2 – Honesty
3 – Respect
4 – Trust

These are the four pillars upon which I base the foundations of every relationship I form whether that be with other submissive types or other Dominant types.

1 – Consent is the number one priority to give as a submissive and to accept as a Dominant or Master.

2 – Honesty is the next priority, as without honesty you cannot get to know, but more importantly understand another submissive or Dom and vice versa.

3 – After honesty has been achieved and reciprocated naturally comes respect and this respect must always be worked at to be maintained in all aspect of any relationship; both as a Dominant Master towards a Submissive and as a Submissive towards a Dominant Master.

4 – Only once the first three steps are in place have you earned the trust of a Dominant Master or Submissive and it is this trust upon which good and lasting relationships are formed. Once you have trust then limits and boundaries can be explored safely and fantasies or new ideas be shared, accepted and expressed.

[Robustlove]

8 minutes ago, liberation1000 said:

I think its important to show that you are a caring and listening Dom. I dont think obedience should be brought into play/trained during texts. This is something that needs to be done in person. Only first is communication, followed by trust and only then does consent appear. With consent, the sub will hand over their power for you to control. As a dom you don't take it, it is given. That is true submission. Happy to chat more in messages. Always love discussing these things!

I agree with liberation1000 wholeheartedly (great post my friend). As a Dom you cannot just expect the submission of any submissive, it has to be earned. You can only earn this gift by being kind, considerate, understanding of your submissive's needs and desires; then taking the time to make them feel comfortable enough with you that they GIVE you the submission you seek instead of you demanding it from the word go. 

For any new Dom like yourself it's a learning process of how to become a competent Dom, how to be a better person and how to become the best Dom that you can be and understanding yourself well enough to be comfortable in your own skin with your own unique and individual Domming style. You've made a good start by asking the right questions and asking for other Dom's POV's so I have no doubt that you'll get more great feedback and find the process of meeting and seducing a new submissive easier and easier the more you work at it and take on board the good advice.

[Imgoingplaces]

Thank you all very much for the replies.   Really appreciate it 

[BigPolly]

Good Luck!!! Maybe explaining to your sub from the very start that you are not interested in who they are or their real personalities, you just want them ‘to be like this’ Also you need to start looking for a sub who maybe doesn’t have BDSM in her soul as any true Sub will be strong willed & strong minded & knows exactly what she wants & how to please. A lot of Subs are also quite dominant in everyday life or have dominant job roles so if you’re looking for a meek & mild sub who is willing to be owned by you 24/7 in every part of everyday life including what how she texts...good luck! Being a good true Dom means you look after your Sub in every way, you allow her to be herself, shine & grown & in return you receive her trust, respect & the gift of Ownership of her. Hearing you say ‘I feel like I can’t show any weakness easpecially early on’ is one of the scariest things I’ve read as a Sub. It is an equal partnership, without a Sub you cannot Dom. A Sub will never view a Dom as ‘weak’ as she will respect every inch of his needs & his ways. You don’t need to prove yourself to a Sub, you need to talk, grow & play in order to lay down any ground rules, if you do this respect & obedience (& fun) will soon follow.

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Good Luck!!! Maybe explaining to your sub from the very start that you are not interested in who they are or their real personalities, you just want them ‘to be like this’ Also you need to start looking for a sub who maybe doesn’t have BDSM in her soul as any true Sub will be strong willed & strong minded & knows exactly what she wants & how to please. A lot of Subs are also quite dominant in everyday life or have dominant job roles so if you’re looking for a meek & mild sub who is willing to be owned by you 24/7 in every part of everyday life including what how she texts...good luck! Being a good true Dom means you look after your Sub in every way, you allow her to be herself, shine & grown & in return you receive her trust, respect & the gift of Ownership of her. Hearing you say ‘I feel like I can’t show any weakness easpecially early on’ is one of the scariest things I’ve read as a Sub. It is an equal partnership, without a Sub you cannot Dom. A Sub will never view a Dom as ‘weak’ as she will respect every inch of his needs & his ways. You don’t need to prove yourself to a Sub, you need to talk, grow & play in order to lay down any ground rules, if you do this respect & obedience (& fun) will soon follow.

I agree and understanding Doms from a sub perspective is very helpful. Following on from this point that has been well made by BP, it may be worth reading and understanding your own experiences and expectations, there are great articles on here about Doms being ‘real’ knowing their own limits/ weaknesses- we all have them. Emotional intelligence is by far the biggest turn on- a Dom who knows himself and in turn his sub is wonderful. The nuances of interpersonal communication/ body language/ eye contact/ facial expressions are all essential elements of a successful relationship. 

Also such a fabulous thing that Doms here can support you- such a wealth of knowledge and experience. What a gift!

Edited December 12, 2017 by Deleted Member

[Imgoingplaces]

58 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Good Luck!!! Maybe explaining to your sub from the very start that you are not interested in who they are or their real personalities, you just want them ‘to be like this’ Also you need to start looking for a sub who maybe doesn’t have BDSM in her soul as any true Sub will be strong willed & strong minded & knows exactly what she wants & how to please. A lot of Subs are also quite dominant in everyday life or have dominant job roles so if you’re looking for a meek & mild sub who is willing to be owned by you 24/7 in every part of everyday life including what how she texts...good luck! Being a good true Dom means you look after your Sub in every way, you allow her to be herself, shine & grown & in return you receive her trust, respect & the gift of Ownership of her. Hearing you say ‘I feel like I can’t show any weakness easpecially early on’ is one of the scariest things I’ve read as a Sub. It is an equal partnership, without a Sub you cannot Dom. A Sub will never view a Dom as ‘weak’ as she will respect every inch of his needs & his ways. You don’t need to prove yourself to a Sub, you need to talk, grow & play in order to lay down any ground rules, if you do this respect & obedience (& fun) will soon follow.

I think you took what I said and twisted it In your mind into something very negative.  I did not imply in any way that I want to own someone 24/7 ,  I just think that early on,  there should be a certain level of respect on both sides and I feel like lots of inexperienced subs will try to test you in different ways.  I don’t appreciate your hostility.  

[Imgoingplaces]

44 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

I agree and understanding Doms from a sub perspective is very helpful. Following on from this point that has been well made by BP, it may be worth reading and understanding your own experiences and expectations, there are great articles on here about Doms being ‘real’ knowing their own limits/ weaknesses- we all have them. Emotional intelligence is by far the biggest turn on- a Dom who knows himself and in turn his sub is wonderful. The nuances of interpersonal communication/ body language/ eye contact/ facial expressions are all essential elements of a successful relationship. 

Also such a fabulous thing that Doms here can support you- such a wealth of knowledge and experience. What a gift!

Yes I agree,  this is my first post and I plan to use this a lot more often after seeing the kind of feedback I got today 

[Imgoingplaces]

1 hour ago, liberation1000 said:

I think its important to show that you are a caring and listening Dom. I dont think obedience should be brought into play/trained during texts. This is something that needs to be done in person. Only first is communication, followed by trust and only then does consent appear. With consent, the sub will hand over their power for you to control. As a dom you don't take it, it is given. That is true submission. Happy to chat more in messages. Always love discussing these things!

May take you up on those messages for some extra info,  thanks 

[Deleted Member]

We are all here to learn and get better at what we do. This is a beautiful community we live in and that is why BDSM is so special. Good luck with finding a sub. When you get that connection with someone it really is the best thing in the world! My advice is to leave ego at the door. Be humble in your *** and let everything be as organic as possible.  Have Fun x  

[Imgoingplaces]

2 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

We are all people. I think that people should be given space and time to get to know each other. If you are looking for a totally obedient 24/7 slave with no mind of her own. Say so! You might be surprised. Well, you will be; one way or another

I don’t think I want a 24/7 slave bc that seems like a lot of work and it’s a little too intense for me.  But I hear you

[Imgoingplaces]

1 hour ago, Robustlove said:

 

1 – Consent is the number one priority to give as a submissive and to accept as a Dominant or Master.

2 – Honesty is the next priority, as without honesty you cannot get to know, but more importantly understand another submissive or Dom and vice versa.

3 – After honesty has been achieved and reciprocated naturally comes respect and this respect must always be worked at to be maintained in all aspect of any relationship; both as a Dominant Master towards a Submissive and as a Submissive towards a Dominant Master.

4 – Only once the first three steps are in place have you earned the trust of a Dominant Master or Submissive and it is this trust upon which good and lasting relationships are formed. Once you have trust then limits and boundaries can be explored safely and fantasies or new ideas be shared, accepted and expressed.

Very thoughtful reply and I appreciate all the time you took to write me 

[Deleted Member]

Wow, you've had so much good advice already, Imgoingplaces, the people here really make me proud <3 

I think you've done the best thing in asking for advice, it's the best way to learn and develop for anyone. I haven't got anything more to add to what has been said, except keep on being open minded. It will make youe BDSM experience all the better.

[Mgneil1989]

What apps do you use to find your subs?

[sc****]

5 hours ago, Imgoingplaces said:

  I just think that early on,  there should be a certain level of respect on both sides and I feel like lots of inexperienced subs will try to test you in different ways. 

I completely agree with the need for respect from both sides, and for me personally, If a Dom were to start making demands of me or expecting me to behave in a certain way without first getting to know me, I would feel he was being very disrespectful. One of the biggest warning signs that would put me off talking to a Dom is what you have just stated, expecting my submission from the get go, and there's a lot of Dom's I have come across that do this. 

How can you expect submission and accept the responsibility that comes with it, without taking the time to understand the needs of the person you are taking responsibility for? As far as I'm concerned, in that situation, the Dom could be seriously underqualified, knowing nothing about this particular job he has taken on, which is an extremely risky situation for a sub to put themselves in. 
Your words 'clearly, this is not for you' could be relevant here also. I couldn't entrust my submission to someone who showed little interest in the beginning in understanding who I am, and has instead put their own needs before everything else. There is a time and place to put your needs first, and for me, the initial negotiations is not that place. 

Also, and not everyone will agree, 'showing  weakness' as you put it, is actually something that will bode well for you with regards to earning submission. Its that honesty, openness and sharing that creates the intimate bond that allows for the trust, connection and respect to develop, which for me at least, is the beginning of my submission. The more a Dom shares, the more of him I have to adore and worship, and the more attatched I feel as his submissive. You cannot expect someone to feel safe exposing their vulnerabilities whilst denying them any insight into your own, and as a sub, feeling safe with my Dom is at the top of my list of priorities, not only when getting to know them, but always. 

[Suga-8462]

@Scarllett ....very well said!!!

[BigPolly]

There was absolutely no hostility from me & I apologise if you took it that way. I have been a Dom for many years before I trained as a Sub so I have seen it from both sides & at no point have I ever felt weak or felt any of my Sirs were weak, we are all different & many of us will push boundaries to test each other, that is how we learn & gain new experiences. As you have already grasped, I am very open, forthright & will say what I think yet that in noway reflects on how I will please a Sir or how I play,, that is simply who I am as a person. I will give a Dom full respect & obedience but not until we have stuck up a connection. I apologise again if you took my message as being to abrupt, we are all here to learn from each other & I was simply sharing my personal thoughts & didn’t mean to offend

[MistressWhilplash]

No consent has been given yet, nor full discussion of boundaries and limits so you will waste time attempting to Subjugate a stranger before ever meeting or building up mutual Trust.

[Deleted Member]

You gotta chill a bit you can't be all like bitch bow before thy master n stuff on your 1st txt and for the most part until the sub excepts you they are the 1s with all the power ( just how it is) talk listen and respond as a normal person without thinking of any dom or sub roles and let it grow from there. If you get positive contact back from someone they are obviously interested so just be be patient and let the roles form. It's what they are looking for and what you are looking for . Chill!!!!

[Deleted Member]

LOVE this thread!!!! Echo what the others are saying. A good sub will be strong willed, confident and know their own mind..qualitites which have led them to understand their own needs and desires. Gaining submission from such a woman is a challenge and earnt...and therefore means something when you have it. Again...its the subs that truely has the power.  I would be pushing all sorts of buttons and asking all sorts of questions if I was a sub looking for a new Dom....these are the decent ones! 

Obviously you only asked for advice from Doms...but as a good sub i couldnt keep quiet 😉

[Deleted Member]

Like in any relationship whether that be D/s or vanilla trust and respect has to be earned not demanded and this goes for both sides

For me the first meetings/chats should be about getting to know each other and what you both expect or want from the relationship and build from there If your expectations don't match it's not going anywhere no matter how hard you try.