Advice and/or suggestions for reading material

[Deleted Member]

Good evening everyone, i hope everyone has been having a good weekend! 

 

So basically I'm new here, my profiles been up for a while but i've only just started to get a feel for this site and feel comfortable enough to get involved. The BDSM and kink scene is somewhere I've been interested in venturing in to for a number of years now and was spurred on by my last relationship. Time has gone by, life changes and now find myself wanting to explore this world more.

My reason for this post is to ask if there is anyone out there that can give me any advice on or direct me to research i can do about becoming a good Dom. I am very much aware of the importance of communication, trust, safety, respect, limits and safewords, what i'd like to learn more about is how a Dom should act and behave, anything i should be aware of as a new member to this world that i may not be aware of and way's i can practice self control so i can better control my desires within an interaction. That's not me saying i cant control myself or i go past limits or i lose control or anything of the sort, that is in no way an issue, i mean it more in the sense that when i get sexually excited and involved with someone i can lose track and get carried away in the moment which means i might not necessarily stay on track for the given "scene" (for want of a better phrase) and be able to function as a good dom, as a dom i would want to be able to pleasure my sub, part of what i enjoy about being dominant is being able to pleasure my partner and the knowing that what I am doing is getting them off, that i am in control of that pleasure and that i can take it and give it as iwish (given thats the dynamic at play).

 

Long story short........ "new potential Dom seeks advice on how to become a good Dom". Any and all comments are gladly received be it constructive criticism, general feedback or simply "folk round here don't like that word", I'm here to learn, get involved, learn about myself along the way, get to know people and hopefully find a connection with someone seeking the same as me.

 

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies and apologies if i've said anything in the wrong way or upset anyone, it is all a learning curve after all 

Damo

[Deleted Member]

Morning mate, get involved in the threads and discussions. I've found others opinions and viewpoints are so helpful in gaining knowledge and helping me understand myself firstly. Even if you're not sure about some thing it's all good as how are we to learn unless we get involved.

[Deleted Member]

welcome to our world.
first thing to know is what type of dynamics do you want to find out what kind of Dom you want to be. so first be the man you would be proud to be. a sub is a woman first then she submit, never forget this. second BDSM is not only a sexual adventure, its more than that. Its start with a mental attitude, regardless any time of dynamic or submission. if you are going to behave like a horny boy, the submission wont last long, women are attracted to words and wisdom, she got bored of the dickbrain attitude. she need stimulation, the anticipation, this is why they submit. if you are going to do some research on bdsm sites, watch few clips, but be yourself dont try to mimic acts. digest it and make it your own, take time to look at your sub, feel her body, read her reaction then explore.

[Deleted Member]

I definitely recommend reading some of the stories on the forum. I have posted plenty, a list of which you will find in my profile. It will show you how others believe a good Dominant should behave, while making the research less "boring"

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

. if you are going to behave like a horny boy, the submission wont last long, women are attracted to words and wisdom, she got bored of the dickbrain attitude. she need stimulation, the anticipation, this is why they submit.

Really? A Dickbrain attitude? How's about sending unsolicited dick pics or endlessly hassling young girls for pics? Would you class that as a "Dickbrain attitude?"

[Ky****]

@FabSeverus yes, sounds right, even for trans woman submissive, defn interact with me, as my cis girl teacher taught me I want a man to get inside my head that's the best way to get inside my knickers, unless you're responding to a sexual services ad,

@Damo626 seriously good dominants communicate, find out what stimulates their subs and that's what turns us into love slaves who'll crave being your plaything

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Really? A Dickbrain attitude? How's about sending unsolicited dick pics or endlessly hassling young girls for pics? Would you class that as a "Dickbrain attitude?"

Sorry ? Your point? 

[Ky****]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Really? A Dickbrain attitude? How's about sending unsolicited dick pics or endlessly hassling young girls for pics? Would you class that as a "Dickbrain attitude?"

not just young girls, middle aged trannies get the same hassle, although I probably regard that as a compliment rather than being hassled lol

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Sorry ? Your point? 

I think you already know my point. If you care to answer the question I will make it totally clear so I ask again. Is sending unwanted dick pics or pressuring young Submissives repeatedly for pics a "Dickbrain attitude?"

[Deleted Member]

Yes it is 🤷‍♂️ It was a non brain question 

Edited June 1, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

@Donnykinkster & @FabSeverus

I suggest you take this disagreement to a private chat or another thread! It’s unfair on @Damo626 who has asked for constructive advice 💗

[Deleted Member]

Just now, FabSeverus said:

Yes it is

So why do you feel it's ok to post on a public forum advice to others when you yourself behind the scenes don't follow your own advice? You try to portray yourself a certain way then go against a base protocol, consent.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

@Donnykinkster & @FabSeverus

I suggest you take this disagreement to a private chat or another thread! It’s unfair on @Damo626 who has asked for constructive advice 💗

Noted but no let's do it publicly

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

@Donnykinkster & @FabSeverus

I suggest you take this disagreement to a private chat or another thread! It’s unfair on @Damo626 who has asked for constructive advice 💗

Thanks ldp. I don’t hack thread, my answer was in the par. Not sure about the other person 🤷‍♂️ but obviously needed to remind him the rules 👍

[Deleted Member]

Rules?? You talk of rules??? What of base protocols, an example being consent.

[ey****]

I think ultimately a lot of people will have differing opinions - and that's actually a good thing in some ways.   There's no, one, right way to be a good Dominant (but plenty of wrong ones )

Some base things I'd say.

What do you want out of being a Dominant?  Is this an extension of who you are, or a role you want to occasionally take up in some circumstances? Either are valid.

Remember of course that while a submissive is submissive to you and your wants/needs/commands they also have their own wants and needs and an unfullfilled relationship has potential to sour.

Always try to get info from different sources and different opinions.  If a lot of people keep saying the same things, there's good value in that.

Remember what works for one relationship isn't universal. 

[Ky****]

@Damo626 checking your profile, I'd say its really important to communicate with your sub, what you post on their is a little hardcore for many subs, so if that's what you're into you absolutely must talk with a sub to ensure that is what they want to, for instance I love being the victim in CNC roleplay but not everyone does, and given the possible ramifications of this it is vital that there are no doubts that this is consensual play, if you're good at it then for a sub who's into it then its heavenly and would certainly make for a good Dom, but if they are not you may end up in court

[Leisa]

As a submissive what I’ve found to be the best asset of my Dominant is honor, honesty, communication, and trust. I completely trust my Dominate to care about me whether it be in general, during play, or aftercare. While I’ve not really had to use it he sent me a list of things to gather, most things already owned, in the event of subdrop which is real and can be debilitating for some subs for a period of time. He’s got honor, wit, and a strong sense of who he is and what he wants out of me. He draws on my strengths instead of trying to squash who I am as a woman. A woman wants a Dominant who can make her feel safe and his duty of care is high on his list of priorities. Try finding a mentor or two who’s methods you’d like to emulate while staying true to who you are. The advise and wisdom you can gain will be invaluable. Talk to and gather your information not just from other Dominants but also submissives and switches. While being in control is something you desire, being controlling in all aspects should not be unless you’re looking to have a slave or you will risk breaking a good submissive. Last but one of the most important is to always have consent both before and during play. Safety first friend. If you or your potential sub need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out. If I don’t have the information you need than I’m sure I can get it.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

welcome to our world.
first thing to know is what type of dynamics do you want to find out what kind of Dom you want to be. so first be the man you would be proud to be. a sub is a woman first then she submit, never forget this. second BDSM is not only a sexual adventure, its more than that. Its start with a mental attitude, regardless any time of dynamic or submission. if you are going to behave like a horny boy, the submission wont last long, women are attracted to words and wisdom, she got bored of the dickbrain attitude. she need stimulation, the anticipation, this is why they submit. if you are going to do some research on bdsm sites, watch few clips, but be yourself dont try to mimic acts. digest it and make it your own, take time to look at your sub, feel her body, read her reaction then explore.

Hi Fab, thanks for the feedback. i just wanted to reply to clear up any misunderstand there may have been, i agree a sub is a woman/man/cat/whatever first, theyre a human being and the sub part comes after, i am aware of this, i have no intention of being abusive towards anyone in any way and i want to find someone with mutual interests and desires both in and out of the bedroom , i dont want a line of one night stands for me to ***. 

 

about BDSM not only being a sexual adventure......when i originally came here i was probably naive enough to think this in part, having read comments, posts, writings and stories it became quickly apparent that it was so much more than this and that realisation within myself resonated with the feelings and thoughts id felt both before, during and after any sex.

 

this is where i get a little defensive, but i'll be open, i didnt really know how to take your comment about being a horny boy, you may have meant it offensively or not, i dont know but initially i was a little offended by the wording of it, i think there may have been a slight difference in the way we perceived the word "control" in this sense. having said that we're adults and i'm able to take a step back and look at things with a broader view. so in reply to it, i simply stated i can get carried away in the heat of the moment, i enjoy sex a lot and i cant help getting excited about doing things with someone but i in no way lose control of myself physically, and its the very reason why i also stated that i wished to be able to gain more self control so that i can avoid getting carried away and allow myself to stay in the moment and with the person i'm with and keep us both in the mindset and the act and the passion and the intensity......i want to stay in that place just as much as the other person and i want to ensure i have the ability to keep us there rather than having my thoughts run away with me an i end up finishing and ruining the moment.

 

as for the part about knowing my sub and feeling her and reading her i fully agree, i may know little but i do know that and i am an analytical person, i actively read people, body language, movements, positioning, tone, inflection, sometimes subconsciously..... its part of what makes things intense for me, i find it highly sexual to be able to stand above my sub and be able to feel so connected to her simply through reading her body.

 

anyway, as originally mentioned i appreciate your feedback, all advice and is welcomed :)

Thanks :)

[Deleted Member]

 

@Damo626

i didn’t meant you it was a general one. I answer to you but also for other to read. Sometime people misread me and you are right to ask for clarification 😂. I never go personal on forum and I don’t know really know you so it will be an assumption. 
uou seem to be a good man and in the right path.
enjoy the site 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

 

@Damo626

i didn’t meant you it was a general one. I answer to you but also for other to read. Sometime people misread me and you are right to ask for clarification 😂. I never go personal on forum and I don’t know really know you so it will be an assumption. 
uou seem to be a good man and in the right path.
enjoy the site 

well thats why i took a step back from it after my initial reaction, i realised there could have been many different directions or ways you could have been going with it and that you could have been meaning generally so i just wanted to make sure we we're on the same page in regards to that, thanks for clarifying and glad we both understand each other.  misunderstandings on the phrases used or the way things are meant and worded has been a major focal point of worry for me trying to delve further into this world, obviously theres a lot of experienced people here and i dont want to offend anyone or look like a complete and utter naive stupid person that has no idea what he's talking about so it's taken me a little time to get to feeling comfortable writing. i dont know if i belong or where i belong if i do but im here for a journey of learning and understanding and i certainly intend on taking it all in along the way.

 

thanks, i may have my issues like everyone does but i was definitely brought up with morals and respect lol 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think ultimately a lot of people will have differing opinions - and that's actually a good thing in some ways.   There's no, one, right way to be a good Dominant (but plenty of wrong ones )

Some base things I'd say.

What do you want out of being a Dominant?  Is this an extension of who you are, or a role you want to occasionally take up in some circumstances? Either are valid.

Remember of course that while a submissive is submissive to you and your wants/needs/commands they also have their own wants and needs and an unfullfilled relationship has potential to sour.

Always try to get info from different sources and different opinions.  If a lot of people keep saying the same things, there's good value in that.

Remember what works for one relationship isn't universal. 

i absolutely agree, as someone standing at the entrance gate and seeing a multitude of paths to take that all lead off and intertwine its good to hear from multiple sources, different sides and differing beliefs than my own, it'll allow me to stand back and fully asses the information ive been given and then in turn allow me to decide which path appeals to me more.

when you asked what i wanted out of being a dominant im not sure i fully understand what you mean by an extension of who i am or a role i want to take up. as i understand them you mean that the dominance being an extension of who i am in a sense of am i generally a dominant person/character and want that to flow into the bedroom and by a role i want to take on occasionally is presumably more of a role play sense, like its a character i wash to portray myself as sometimes? would i be right in thinking this is how you meant those?

i am already very very aware of the fact that being a dominant takes work, effort and respect from both sides and that a sub has wants/needs/desires just like everyone else and you are very right that an unbalanced relationship causes things to sour, its exactly what happened in my previous relationship and someone i get involved with in the future is going to need to meet me half way.

 

thanks for your response

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Leisa said:

As a submissive what I’ve found to be the best asset of my Dominant is honor, honesty, communication, and trust. I completely trust my Dominate to care about me whether it be in general, during play, or aftercare. While I’ve not really had to use it he sent me a list of things to gather, most things already owned, in the event of subdrop which is real and can be debilitating for some subs for a period of time. He’s got honor, wit, and a strong sense of who he is and what he wants out of me. He draws on my strengths instead of trying to squash who I am as a woman. A woman wants a Dominant who can make her feel safe and his duty of care is high on his list of priorities. Try finding a mentor or two who’s methods you’d like to emulate while staying true to who you are. The advise and wisdom you can gain will be invaluable. Talk to and gather your information not just from other Dominants but also submissives and switches. While being in control is something you desire, being controlling in all aspects should not be unless you’re looking to have a slave or you will risk breaking a good submissive. Last but one of the most important is to always have consent both before and during play. Safety first friend.

This. ^^^^^  Thank you @Leisa!! And good luck @Damo626