Being a Switch: Doubt and Perseverance.

[re****]

Switch

 

The word doesn’t mean you’re indecisive or don’t know what you want. It doesn’t mean you are a bad submissive that needs to be trained or tamed. You aren’t just being difficult, bratty, inflexible, confusing, or stubborn. You aren’t a bad dominant simply because you also desire to surrender. You haven’t failed anyone.  

 

As a switch, you will likely think all of these things and wonder “what the fuck am I even doing here?”  Every failed connection, relationships end, and people who turns away will make you question yourself.  It will take strength, to let those seemingly harmless comments your friends made with a grin roll-off your shoulder. 

 

“Switches have the most fun” they’ll say and it is absolutely true. You will have fun, but it is hard-earned. You are balancing your desires, your wants, not only within yourself but against the needs of the people you will meet. 

 

You will find yourself watching someone play and thinking: I want that. In the same breath, you will wonder if you will ever find it. Because maybe the person you just admired isn’t for you, their stance is firm and solid Dominant, or they are poised gracefully, submissively.

 

And Oh, you want both! 

 

That is neither wrong nor impossible. 

 

But, let’s talk about something else for a moment. The concept of a leaning switch, because you’ll wonder about that too. Do I lean submissive? Do I lean dominant? You don’t have to lean either way, maybe you can only go so far in either direction. Maybe, you’ll think you have to (hint: you don’t) or it would be easier if you did. My answer to that is you have to be true to who you are, regardless of how easy or hard it may seem. You may choose to deliberately lean one way or the other and try to pack the rest in a bag for the sake of what you want more. Maybe you’ll even be happy doing so, but for some of us, that choice will never feel quite right. It's best when it feels natural when you lean because you want to. Either with a specific person or overall.

 

When it was suggested I join the community I shook my head, because how could I ever fit? I’d already lost the best relationship of my life because my partner needed more than I could give, I wasn’t submissive enough. So how could the community possibly meet my needs? I dragged my feet through munches and two connections that failed right off the bat and confirmed my ***s.

 

Had I stopped right there I wouldn’t be here now. I would have never dreamed I’d get to play freely submitting to a dominant in one scene, and stand beside them in another. Through the friends I made, I was given opportunities to watch others play in a dungeon/party setting and a taste of what impact was like. I was home and alive in a way I hadn’t been for many years. So, I laid out a plan for myself, I knew I had misconceptions. I knew my past experiences and ***s were a gate I had to walk through. The only way past it all was to learn and experience. 

 

I can tell you it was worth it, every moment. Every experienced strike from a service-top I paired with, exploring gear bondage step-by-step, and learning to see past my ***. It took work, it took perseverance.

 

I’m not going to lie: sometimes it hurts.

 

But know this: no matter how you choose to go about your path it is possible if you learn how to be honest with yourself and your partners.

Edited June 12, 2020 by reasyn
grammar

[Deleted Member]

I find that knowing how to have one tyoe of connection, teaches me how to act and react in the other. Though I am primarily Dominant, the times I have submitted have been studies in how to improve my approach, or what not to include in my sessions, etc.

[Cade]

Excellent writing! It's often hard to imagine the obstacles other mentalities/roles might experience, so thank you for sharing your experiences. Although, I'm not a switch and don't have anything to add, I wanted you to know I accept you just as you are! You sharing your life helps us all understand a little better. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, reasyn said:

 My answer to that is you have to be true to who you are, regardless of how easy or hard it may seem. 

And thats the key for me, something many neglect or don't even realise. Working out what we are, where we are before we even begin to Interact with others

[re****]

11 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

And thats the key for me, something many neglect or don't even realise. Working out what we are, where we are before we even begin to Interact with others

I'd agree, it took me a very long time to realize who I am and accept that.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, reasyn said:

I'd agree, it took me a very long time to realize who I am and accept that.

Same, what I thought I was in fact turned out not to be correct. How are we to engage with others safely unless we first understand ourselves? It's something so many miss. 

[re****]

1 minute ago, Donnykinkster said:

Same, what I thought I was in fact turned out not to be correct. How are we to engage with others safely unless we first understand ourselves? It's something so many miss. 

I think I had always known, for me it was the struggle between knowing and believing I needed to change for what I wanted that threw me for the biggest loop. 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, reasyn said:

I think I had always known, for me it was the struggle between knowing and believing I needed to change for what I wanted that threw me for the biggest loop. 

Understood, I spent almost 30 years with these thoughts. I think it's a common theme within this community. The doubt, unsure of what we are, maybe even carrying shame for these cravings we just don't understand.

[Carnelian2]

Absolutely brilliantly written! It cuts straight to the point. I have stopped using the label Switch as I find people don’t understand it for the very reason you state. This does not mean I have stopped the journey, through.
As you say; talking to the right people is key.

[TemptressM]

I think a lot of people believe if you are a switch that you aren't truly one or the other.  I think there are too many labels that we are all suppose to fall under and it can be very confusing.  We should be able to be happy with who we are and all embrace it.  Very well written and I hope it helps others struggling with there choices. 

[re****]

 

11 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

I think it's a common theme within this community. The doubt, unsure of what we are, maybe even carrying shame for these cravings we just don't understand.

That's a great point because it is true. I've most certainly seen masochists doubt they are as good because they can't take as much ***, sadists doubt because aren't they a monster for what they like? Dominants who doubt their ability to lead someone else, submissives who doubt they are doing even to truly be wanted. It's a human situation and you can have these doubts privately thinking you're the only one. BDSM is founded on communication exposing those doubts, to your partner, friend, the world. It's almost like the ultimate wall breaker because if you ask who shares these feelings nearly every hand will rise.

 

 

10 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

Absolutely brilliantly written! It cuts straight to the point. I have stopped using the label Switch as I find people don’t understand it for the very reason you state. This does not mean I have stopped the journey, through.
As you say; talking to the right people is key.

Thank you! I've often wondered if I should stop using the term myself but there didn't seem to be any way to describe myself without a thousand words. At least this, I can explain a bit more easily. Glad to hear you're still walking the path and that you've found the right people to talk to because it absolutely helps. 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, TemptressM said:

I think a lot of people believe if you are a switch that you aren't truly one or the other.  I think there are too many labels that we are all suppose to fall under and it can be very confusing.  We should be able to be happy with who we are and all embrace it.  Very well written and I hope it helps others struggling with there choices. 

There are a TON of labels and while they make great guidelines for "oh I'm a primal" or "hedonist" it is very important to find out what the terms mean to the person. It's like saying there's a city we want to be in because it feels like our kind of place. But cities are big and also include the suburbs. You might also say you're near a city but you're actually several hours away in farm or forest. It just happened to be the closest reference point.

[TemptressM]

2 hours ago, reasyn said:

There are a TON of labels and while they make great guidelines for "oh I'm a primal" or "hedonist" it is very important to find out what the terms mean to the person. It's like saying there's a city we want to be in because it feels like our kind of place. But cities are big and also include the suburbs. You might also say you're near a city but you're actually several hours away in farm or forest. It just happened to be the closest reference point.

Yeah the problem is, is that Switch is one box and when you open that box all these other sub sections pop out, so it then becomes hard to find a label that fits you.  I'm not a switch now but I used to be,  I'm much more comfortable in my Dominant role but it doesn't mean that some of the things that I enjoyed as a sub are no longer there,  I just don't need them as much as I do my Dominant side. 

If only we lived in a perfect world where everything was accepted, but I can say your post will help a lot of people that are confused with who or what they want to be. 

[Deleted Member]

22 hours ago, TemptressM said:

I think a lot of people believe if you are a switch that you aren't truly one or the other.  I think there are too many labels that we are all suppose to fall under and it can be very confusing.

Absolutely, humans are complicated, it may seem counterintuitive, but we're all more than one thing, that's what makes life interesting.