“Collared” Conversation

[Su****]

I hope this finds everyone well! I wanted to reach out quick as I joined a Femdom Chat room a few months back (shortly following my last forum post actually) and have learned so much being in there about BDSM/Femdom, made some good friends, and even despite my inexperience, was asked to become a Moderator in the room.

I have been getting closer with one of the dommes there in as well, she was one of the first friends I made in the room and I very much enjoy talking with her. I learn something just about every time I do which one of the things I admire about her. She is also one of the few I’ve been comfortable enough to play with since joining the room and the only person I’ve played with “publicly” in the room rather than in PM’s. She also teases me a lot sending me pics and such she finds she knows I’ll enjoy. And idk if she realized it but she’s down a lot to help with my mental health and family issues I’ve had going on as well.

I’ve gotten some advice from a couple trusted people in the room, as many have commented to me about how well we seem to get on with each other. One other sub in the room also comments as if I’m already owned by her as well. (Even though I’m not collared yet) But I also don’t wanna *** things as from talking to her it seems like it’s been a while since she has a collared a sub and one of my friends said they wasn’t sure if she was the type to take a sub. One domme suggested to just enjoy things as they are for now and see what happens, and that if she wants to collar me she will. But have gotten some good advice here before so thought I’d throw it out in here as well for some feedback.

She does know I’m interested in her/in being her sub from a conversation we had a few weeks ago, although I just left it at that as I didn’t wanna rush things or *** it. So I guess in that sense Idk if I should bring it up again at some point, or continue just waiting and see if she does. I also don’t wanna lose her interest by being too passive or shy I guess (idk if that’s the right word) about it.

Thanks again for all the help and advice here. I really do appreciate it! Hope you all are staying safe and healthy as well!

[Deleted Member]

You said you are comfortable talking to each other’s so I don’t see why you won’t ask her to clarify the situation. After all this his why communication is for. Now I am not sure which level you are but your perception of the situation might not be hers. It’s a think to mess around playing but to start a Ds rl might be different for her. Now you mentioned other issues that might make her think about it too. It’s always wise to getting in a better mid set before getting involved with someone at that level. In my opinion

[Phoenyx]

Have you discussed the possibility of meeting in-person?  That may be what has your relationship frozen, at this particular point.  For example, I have met someone on this list, who is seriously interested in becoming my sub.  Like you, she describes herself as "inexperienced", and she is so happy with all of the things that she has learned from me.  We have even flirted a bit with "play", getting to know each other's kinks.  There is a definite match.

However, she lives two states away, and travel is problematic right now.  So, our level of play is on hold---until we can meet, look into each other's eyes, and gauge each other's reactions to various topics.  Once we have each gotten to know the real person, play should become more natural, and the next step, self-evident.  But then, I may be "old school" in that respect.

[ey****]

I think there's a few things to potentially clarify also.

Now first point different people do things different ways - and - I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong.   It's what works for you.

When I think of collaring, I'd think of it as being a symbol of ownership after a period of getting to know and consider - something worked for.  It could include positive interaction and being nice to be around to have already been demonstrating long-term servitude.  An idea that it's something both would want to make permanent.

That said - if someone wanted to do it another way say, collar someone to say "you're owned by me" and then expect the servitude/training/etc. and just release if it doesn't work out, that could also be a way.

I think the question to ask is what does collaring look like to you? What about to them? How does it change things? How does it keep things the same? Does it need to be so formal?  What would and wouldn't work?

Personally - I'd not really be interested in collaring or being collared by someone I'd not met

[Leisa]

You say you’re comfortable with her yet you’re asking this forum to tell you what to do instead of “sitting” her down and having a direct and on point conversation where you tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. You want to know what to do; have a conversation or ten about the topic. Conversation is one of the most important aspects of a D/s relationship and without that ability there can really be no relationship. How are you conversing? Via interaction in the lobby, text, phone calls, video chat, etc. without more information you’re leaving more questions than you have. Based on the information given I’d have to say slow down until you’re comfortable enough to have that conversation. It kind of sounds like she’s avoiding the situation also. Wishes for the beat.

[Su****]

Thanks for the comments and feedback. @FabSeverus for sure I just don’t wanna be too much or *** things bringing it up again too soon or anything. She did open up to me about how lucky she felt about the subs she had collared in the past as well. And honestly I’m not sure I’m good enough for her so I guess that’s my main hesitation. If things do progress I would want to make sure I’m making her very happy as well. And yeah the mental health is mainly me coming to terms hat I don’t fit in with my family they’re very religious so as you could imagine this part of me, as much as I try to keep it hidden from them, causes some issues at home as I try to explore and learn more. But I’m working on it and trying to get things order to hopefully move out sooner than later. I try not to bombard her with my issues or anything but she usually notices when I’m off.

Edited June 25, 2020 by SubWhoLovesGloves
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[Su****]

To answer your question @phoenyx we haven’t discussed that yet, It’s another thing I’ve wanted to bring up cause while I am fine with everything being online eventually I would want or hope for something to happen irl. And while I don’t know specifically where she lives yet (again too shy to ask) from putting pieces of conversation or things she’s posted together I don’t think she is very far from me. (Even if she is further though I travel often so distance doesn’t really phase me, once the country is open and I can travel again) She does have irl experience as a domme though. And yeah a combination of learning from past mistakes of jumping in too quickly as well as kinda wanting to take that more “old school” approach to it myself I’m definitely not trying to rush things or jump into things too quickly myself either.

Edited June 25, 2020 by SubWhoLovesGloves
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[Su****]

@eyemblacksheep Those are good questions to think on thanks. You always give great advice on there threads! And for sure a collar has something I've always wanted while searching for a domme. To have more of a meaningful bond or connection outside of just play. The way it works in our room is there are 2 levels of being "owned" per say. The first is the "Collared" stage which lasts a minimum of 30 days, and is used as a consideration stage i guess is the best way to describe it (can last longer than 30 days though). AT the end of that can move towards being "Owned" or have a discussion about releasing/removing the collar if they feel it isn't working out. I didn't here this from her but from a mutual friend in the room whose known this the domme I'm talking to a while ago and apparently the last sub she collared, removed it to be with someone else, which our friend told me hurt the domme I'm talking too. Which is another reason (other than just trying to be respectful) I don't want to *** the idea of a collar. They did very recently open up to me about 2 of the subs she had collared in the past and how she felt so luckily to have been their domme, even if neither still has her collar. Which is partially what has me thinking if I should hint towards or bring up my interest in being collared by her again. And we have been friends for a few months now so while there is definitely more to get to know about her, She is my favorite person in the room to interact and chat with, whether its kink related, or just chatting in general.

[Su****]

@Leisa That is true I guess, I just dont want to be too much or anything, so trying to figure out the timing of the conversation. We communicate in a couple ways though all txt related though pretty much. In the general chat, as well as through PM's in the chatroom. We also message each other through Discord as well though.

[ey****]

Ah ok - yeah, so when I was going through ownership.

It had been someone I'd met filming who I liked and we kinda stayed in touch and interacted.

We saw each other socially twice as part of bigger event where we said hello and had a mini chat but each time she was with one of her other subs, so, I didn't want to be too intrusive.

We met for play/session and she brought it up then.  I didn't really give a straight answer but we did this weird half in half out thing where it was like treating her as a "Main Mistress" and she kinda treat me like one of hers.

So a year after that I brought ownership back up and we agreed to be 'under consideration' that had an undetermined time frame on it (it wouldn't be an unreachable goal - but a lot dictated on some of the pace we coudl spend time together with) and that would have ended with being presented with a collar, which would have been full ownership.

But, we parted ways before then.  And, as heart breaking as that was (over 2 years from first meeting to that point) something had to change for us both and that was certainly a way to change.  

[Su****]

I gotcha, thanks for sharing yeah especially because I haven't really had to have this kind of conversation before, I guess I'm trying to figure out what is typical I guess, or best way/time to bring it up, as well as maken sure i don't cross any lines or become too much. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by SubWhoLovesGloves

[Phoenyx]

From what you have said, it sounds like you do not have a formal agreement, as yet.  So, for the best "time", I would say ASAP.  The best way: Perhaps, preface your question with the disclaimer: "Please forgive me if this may be out-of-line, but, I was wondering..."  Don't forget: A good Dom/me is always understanding.

You mentioned that you did not want to mess things up, by rushing.  However, you also do not want to let this slip through your fingers, by being too hesitant.

[TemptressM]

Hello T, 

I've been thinking about what to write down in the comment for you and I still don't think there is an easy answer or a right way to do this.  

You can decide to leave it and let her bring it up but if she doesn't you are then left hanging not really knowing what is going on. 

You can decide to ask her about it and she might shoot you down but at least you will know. 

Maybe ask her if she can see herself collaring anyone else in the future.  Instead of coming right out and saying,  I want you to collar me which doesn't normally come across great anyway. She already knows that you are interested and I'm quite surprised she actually hasn't brought it up herself. 

You do need to talk to her though and find out if this only online for her or does she see a future where you might be able to meet. 

You know where to get me if you need an ear x 

[Su****]

Hi everyone! I just wanted to update quick and give a huuuggee thank you to everyone who offered advice. I finally was able to talk to her and the conversation overall went well. There’s a chance so I guess you can say that I’m “under consideration now” as she wants to see how I’d be/if I’d be happy as her sub, probably have a session or 2 and go from there. Thanks again for all of the help and advice!

[Su****]

Hey All just wanted to take a quick moment to thank everyone who commented and offered advice again! We took our time throughout the process and My Miss wound up offering me her collar this past week which I of course happily accepted! So thank you again for the support and advice that was offered back on this post!

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, SubWhoLovesGloves said:

Hey All just wanted to take a quick moment to thank everyone who commented and offered advice again! We took our time throughout the process and My Miss wound up offering me her collar this past week which I of course happily accepted! So thank you again for the support and advice that was offered back on this post!

brilliant - glad for a success story