New and struggling to accept who I am

[Newbie1984]

I'm in a long term relationship with someone amazing but very vanilla. I've always wanted to explore the submissive side of me, I work in a high profile intense job and the idea of someone else taking control is both meditative and a turn on. I like quite a bit of *** in bed. 

 

I've started exploring some control with a friend, who is experienced in the lifestyle. Both sexual via text and some everyday stuff. It feels amazing, I'm relaxed and calm in ways I've never been. However, I'm at a crossroads. Can I now, knowing how I enjoy it, live without it for the sake of my girlfriend? Or do I accept it's who I am and work forward from there. Can you live knowing part of you is unfulfilled? I may be jumping the gun but feeling a bit lost. 

[Wo****]

Do you have to live without it? Could you talk to her about it?

Can you live knowing a part if you is unfulfilled? You can exist, but live? I don't think you can. Well I couldn't anyway. 

Only you know if you can x

[Newbie1984]

Unfortunately I suspect you're right, I have to make that decision and I really don't know what to do... 

[Wo****]

2 minutes ago, Newbie1984 said:

Unfortunately I suspect you're right, I have to make that decision and I really don't know what to do... 

Be true to who you are x

[Newbie1984]

Doesn't seem that easy right now, but I'm trying! 

[Leisa]

I can only speak from my own experiences but for me this lifestyle ultimately was the only lifestyle I could imagine being apart of and being happy. You could always try talking to your girlfriend before making any firm decisions on your relationship status. If she’s not into the lifestyle to even be open to exploring then your desires will ultimately do one of two things. First it will make you decide to stay in the vanilla world and in all probability resent her later for making you choose a lifestyle you feel is part of what makes you whole or you can be prepared to make the sacrificed your relationship to pursue your journey. Neither decision is easy but anything worth having never is. One of the things to consider is how you feel cheating on her now because that’s exactly what you are doing.
My experience is this. I was in this lifestyle for a few years when I stepped back into the vanilla world and ultimately had two marriages that failed. At the end of my second marriage I spent five years with a friend who was a switch whom I had a relationship with for 22 years including the ten plus years in between marriages. Ultimately I hurt two men who weren’t going to be able to fulfill my needs but were good guys all the way around. If I had followed my knowing needs I never would have married vanilla to begin with.
Whether you’re a Dom or a submissive it is not what you do it’s who you are. It’s so ingrained in you that to live any other way and be happy seems unattainable. It’s not a role to be put on and taken off at will. It’s who you are. Believe it or not many of us submissives live in high profile positions at work and even in our vanilla communities. It is that desire to shed that cloak of control and allow someone else to fulfill their desire to control and care for someone else. Best of luck in your decision.
Before making the ultimate decision do some research on the lifestyle and community and see if it sounds like what you’re searching for. In this lifestyle education is one of the most important aspects you can invest in. You can gain education by reading independent sources, reading through the forum where lots are asking questions to get feedback and guidance, in the lobby chat forum where there are almost always experienced Doms and subs in there who are willing to answer questions if you ask them to. If you need anything please feel free to reach out. I can usually be found around the lobby or on the forum.

[Wo****]

Then you'll be ok 😊

[Deleted Member]

A familliar path that many have walked and s decision only you can make. In time a decision will become clear but I really think you already know the answer. As you say can you live when part of you is unfulfilled?

[Newbie1984]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the lack of judgement too. I think that's it, I'm trying to educate myself and feel my way. I'm actually really grateful for my friend, they're genuinely not interested in ruining things for me and taking it as slow as I want. 

You are right, it's that exhaustion constantly running things that makes me want to submit in private. It's so relaxing it's almost meditative. I am trying to face that's who I am and it's not easy. I think I'm just trying to convince myself it's just a phase (bit late at my age!)

[Jinxy]

1 hour ago, Leisa said:

If she’s not into the lifestyle to even be open to exploring then your desires will ultimately do one of two things. First it will make you decide to stay in the vanilla world and in all probability resent her later for making you choose a lifestyle you feel is part of what makes you whole or you can be prepared to make the sacrificed your relationship to pursue your journey. Neither decision is easy but anything worth having never is.

To add to this, it’s possible there could also be a situation, when you talk with your girlfriend, where she might not be into kink but is open to the idea of letting you exploring that side through a third party, such as your friend. This would also be another area you could seek out education on, check in with how you feel about it, and see if it would be an option. 

[Wo****]

@Newbie1984

I'm 50 in a few days, it's only in the last year that I've really started being true to myself, and others, who I am and it's honestly the best thing I've ever done. Not the easiest, at all, but so so worth it.

Good luck!

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by LazyPiratesBounty
Typo

[Th****]

I sure understand that these are some very hard decisions to make. Although it is often hard to do things right it is not just hard on the other people but on ourselves as well.

So while you are going through this decision making process I am going to complicate things just a little by highlighting another decision that you may well have to make in the future. That way you can hopefully be forearmed.

Let us presume for a moment that you stay with your girlfriend and you are able to see your friend say once a week. It is all going fine and you have worked out any teething issues.

The next thing you may run into is the need for a life partner that loves all of you. Rather than one that likes the vanilla bits of you and just puts up with the other parts.

This is somewhere I have found myself and for me it was an unacceptable situation. We are all different but I want to be loved for my whole self and not despite it.

I wish you every success in your journey and I am sure you will give it much consideration.

Life is a lot easier when you can be your self.

[Vandalslut]

All of these fabulous people here are right. Oscar Wilde said, 'Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.' He was famous for his acerbic wit, but it always  had a foundation in truth. Be yourself and be true to yourself. Now and then a newbie appears here wondering if a clandestine relationship will do, and generally, it won't. We need to be true to ourselves and those around us. If you find it difficult to broach the subject with your partner, write it down as a letter and when saying what you'd like, include your partner in the fantasies/scenes you'd like to try. Good luck, and blessings. 

[Newbie1984]

Thanks everyone, so much food for thought. Really is appreciate. I started a chat with my partner today about the fact I felt I was missing out. She's happy to try if it pleases me but I'm a bit daunted by the "and if I can't do it you'll just have to live without it". It says to me she doesn't understand the need although I tried to describe the urges. I guess if she likes it, no harm done. If not we cross that bridge later. It's a start. I was terrified and cried!

[Th****]

2 minutes ago, Newbie1984 said:

She's happy to try if it pleases me but I'm a bit daunted by the "and if I can't do it you'll just have to live without it". It says to me she doesn't understand the need although I tried to describe the urges.

That is an amazing start! Well done.

Being fair to your partner that is an entirely reasonable response from someone who is not in the lifestyle. You have been thinking about this a lot and this is new to them. 

You never know once you they try it may turn out that they enjoy it as well. If nothing else it will give them a deeper insight into how much this means to you.

As you your self said one step at a time. 

This step though was a giant leap, congratulations.

[Jinxy]

1 hour ago, Newbie1984 said:

Thanks everyone, so much food for thought. Really is appreciate. I started a chat with my partner today about the fact I felt I was missing out. She's happy to try if it pleases me but I'm a bit daunted by the "and if I can't do it you'll just have to live without it". It says to me she doesn't understand the need although I tried to describe the urges. I guess if she likes it, no harm done. If not we cross that bridge later. It's a start. I was terrified and cried!

That’s amazing! Great job opening up that dialogue! And as @Thebian said, she is being suddenly thrown into the deep end so being patient is key. And it’s very likely she might not understand what it means for you... yet. Just keep being honest about your feelings and interests and leave it open for her to engage and ask questions. Possibly finding some education materials that you could go over together and discuss would be helpful. You got through the first tough conversation of just bringing it up. Be proud of yourself for that! 

[Drewxs]

now you need to take baby steps and be careful not to overwhelm her, feed her bits of bdsm things that turn you on and give her time to digest it, best of luck you did the right thing in my book

[Newbie1984]

Yeah I've started basic, she knows I like a bit of *** so I've emphasised that and talked about a bit of light bondage and see how we go. I told her how much being under someone else's control meant so hopefully it will be ok. Just have to see what happens now... Thanks again everyone, it's really appreciated. Had no idea who to talk to and I've been so confused. 

[Wo****]

3 hours ago, Newbie1984 said:

Yeah I've started basic, she knows I like a bit of *** so I've emphasised that and talked about a bit of light bondage and see how we go. I told her how much being under someone else's control meant so hopefully it will be ok. Just have to see what happens now... Thanks again everyone, it's really appreciated. Had no idea who to talk to and I've been so confused. 

Just bear in mind this is probably new to her. Don't expect too much, enjoy it, talk about it, build on it.

Keep us posted!

[re****]

I've made similar choices in my past. I had a relationship that was seriously kinky (way more so than I had realised at the time) and it ended because I couldn't quite wrap my brain around his other desires. I thought what we did do would be enough and it was for a very long time, until it wasn't. When it ended I thought I'd be better off vanilla. I thought my average needs were fairly tame (hooo-boy was I wrong) and could be satisfied with a slightly adventurous but otherwise vanilla partner. As the years went by it became increasingly clear my frustration was being caused by "not enough" and "hiding parts of myself"  that I was experiencing. So I've come full circle to understanding exactly what my former partner was experiencing.

Edited June 30, 2020 by reasyn

[on****]

That's excellent, as someone else said be careful not to overwhelm her. And don't let her see the other website (are we allowed to mention the place with initials FL here? ) it is not really a place for vanilla people as it's content will make her run for the hills. 

 

At the end of the day though like many of us here, once you've crossed that line into our world and you enjoy it, it's very hard to go back to vanilla (I couldn't do it and neither could my partner) so there may still be tough choices ahead.

Like you've noticed, no one here has judged you and that should be how you find the scene in general, people are friendly and open to discuss things on a level that the vanilla world would see as being deeply personal and private. 

 

Take easy steps and you'll be rewarded with what you seek, I'll add one note of caution, beware there are those who may seek to take advantage especially of those new to the scene. This forum is moderated and you can talk to the mods about any concerns you may have about anyone here and they do listen and they do act. Step out into FL if and when you're ready and there's a whole world awaiting you

[Newbie1984]

Well it's been a couple of weeks and as yet nothing really has happened, I've dropped some massive hints but don't want to push. After our initial conversation she asked exactly the sort of thing I'd like and I started basic... She said she'd try but nothing... Not sure if I'm being impatient! She was a bit more ***ful in bed the other day so maybe was trying and I made a point of saying how that did it for me... It's so confusing!

[Wo****]

58 minutes ago, Newbie1984 said:

Well it's been a couple of weeks and as yet nothing really has happened, I've dropped some massive hints but don't want to push. After our initial conversation she asked exactly the sort of thing I'd like and I started basic... She said she'd try but nothing... Not sure if I'm being impatient! She was a bit more ***ful in bed the other day so maybe was trying and I made a point of saying how that did it for me... It's so confusing!

You're doing great!

Build it up slowly. She's tried. Keep on encouraging her.

What was her reaction when you told her it did it for you? How did she find it?

[Newbie1984]

We've talked about it before so I don't think it was a surprise, she seemed a bit sorry as she said she realised she'd been neglecting that part of me. It's what gave me some hope!

[Jinxy]

1 hour ago, Newbie1984 said:

Well it's been a couple of weeks and as yet nothing really has happened, I've dropped some massive hints but don't want to push. After our initial conversation she asked exactly the sort of thing I'd like and I started basic... She said she'd try but nothing... Not sure if I'm being impatient! She was a bit more ***ful in bed the other day so maybe was trying and I made a point of saying how that did it for me... It's so confusing!

Kink can be incredibly overwhelming. My guess is that she is unsure of where to start or possible mechanics. I would take heart in the fact that she engaged you in further conversation by asking exactly what you enjoy. That shows interest and willingness to explore. One caution I have for you is that you don’t get so wrapped up in getting your kink needs met that you start to neglect her needs. As you are both exploring, making sure she is satisfied/fulfilled as well (possibly she has kinks she wants to explore of her own) is extremely important so that resentment doesn’t start to build. 
 

For the uncertainty piece, I would recommend picking a single kink you have, one that is a beginner level. Then have you both agree on a night to test it out (you might have to start the conversation). For example, maybe Saturdays every week are “kink day” where you two explore more into that realm, and if she does have kinks of her own, possible alternating weeks of whose kink is tried that week. Depending on what the kink is, there might need to be research done or read erotica/watch porn to figure out how it can be utilized, safety, or fun ideas for it (could be especially helpful for her if she’s struggling with ideas). This is something you both can do together so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed or that she’s doing all the work and also to grow closer as a couple. 
 

You’ve done a great job of initiating the conversation. This will be a slow process and you might get frustrated/impatient. Instead of focusing on what she hasn’t done yet though, I might encourage you to focus on the positives. You brought up kink out of the blue, and she listened. You wanted to try exploring, and she is willing to attempt it. She asked for further information about your kinks and interests. All of these are great things. Just keep having that dialogue open (I would be direct rather than dropping hints) so you can share how you’re feeling about things but also get her thoughts and feelings about it. 
 

Keep up the good work!

Jinx