Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Posted July 2, 2020 Hey! I’m new here so please be kind! so I signed up for a bit of advice on how to get my husband to be more open and willing to try new things in the bedroom? We’ve been together for almost 15 years and I’m super super happy and in love but I’m trying to get him to be more adventurous. Every time I approach the subject or suggest it he’s a bit offish and shy about it - driving me crazy! I’ve said things like “Id love it if you just tied me up and fucked me” or “I want you to hold me down and *** me” but he just laughs it off. Ive tried leading the way in the bedroom to guide him but he’s just not that into it. Now I now I can’t *** him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do to me but I fantasise about him being rough with me and taking the lead completely. Please help! How do I get my own way lol 😈😈
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Unfortunately if he is unresponsive he may not be accepting of those things. Some guys like it, some don't. Unfortunately you may be stuck with vanilla sex unless you venture outside of your .
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 (edited) Hi Moonlight. Have you approached it by asking him what he'd like in the bedroom? If he responds then you can tell him what you'd like. Has he gone lingerie shopping with you? I'm sure there are things he'd love to see you in or pick out. They say in business to dress for the job you want. Well I believe in the bedroom one should dress for the sex life they want. Satin nighties are impossible for most men to resist as are leather corsets and especially boots. I can assure you he has a fantasy scenario and the key is finding it out and then acting on it and make him understand it's what you want but it could be something he'd truly enjoy as well. But if he's truly adamant after that I'm not sure what else to suggest. Good luck. Edited July 2, 2020 by Deleted Member
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 I have some ideas if you want to chat some.
Ea**** Posted July 2, 2020 Posted July 2, 2020 I would suggest a bit at a time. Try internet shopping in say Love Honey or Bandara or any that you use, do it together, preferably naked. He has in in-built lie detector.
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Thanks for the ideas we have been shopping together but I feel like he’s just going along with what I want and isn’t that into it, like really timid and embarrassed. I’ll ask what he wants and he just says I dunno or not bothered. So then if I put my thoughts across he just kind of brushes over it or doesn’t say much. Very frustrating! In terms of dressing for the occasion, I think he does appreciate it but then it still doesn’t make him dominant or rough with me, it’s just like oh okay she’s got nice underwear on lol. I don’t know if it’s a case of we’ve been together so long that he’s got used to me and now is kinda freaked out that I’ve now randomly come out with something totally different but it’s always been a desire in me, I just kept a lid on it 😆
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Have you sat down with him and had a proper one on one conversation about your feelings on the matter or has it just been the odd remark here and there? If it's the latter I'd say just have a grown up conversation about what you both want in the bedroom. You can't and shouldn't *** him to do anything but at least you know it's been put on the table for him digest. If he doesn't want to be rough with you take it as a sign that he cares about you too much to risk hurting you physically. If he's willing to try it but finds it hard to get into the mood then I'd say start a playfight and transition it into sex, maybe he won't be crazy rough but it will definitely make thing's feel more primal!
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 I have tried to have a conversation and explain my feelings but he just kinda gives me a look like “really” and laughs it off or glosses over it. I just don’t think he’s a dominant person, I’m a bossy so and so and pretty much organise and sort everything so the though of taking charge over me just seems weird. I get it, we’ve been together a long time so it’s a strange thing to change after so long. He is a lot bigger and stronger than me but I love that vulnerability and I often play fight just to get that feeling with him but I’ll be suggestive and tell him I like it but I think it goes over his head lol. Ahhh I don’t know, it’s not divorce grounds but sometimes I just wanna be slammed in a bed and held down and fucked, is it too much to ask haha 🤷♀️🤷♀️
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Maybe try looking at toys or BDSM equipment on LoveHoney or Ann Summers together or if you wanted to suggest something seriously, see what his reaction is like. Try and tease him as well as that can get people frustrated and riled up. Perhaps showing your submission to him would in turn make him want to be more dominant but even if it's a case of asking to him pinning your arms down or bite your lip or you put yourself in a position where you aren't free to move as such, it's steps towards being dominated. Honestly as well, just try robes, ties, belts during sex off the cuff - stuff that's spontaneous and not expensive.
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Okay it sounds like he's not the most communicative person. On the plus side he's never outright said "I'm not into that" Honestly, I'd forget dressing up and ing fancy lingerie etc. If anything it could make him view you as even more delicate and feminine. Try the playfighting thing especially if you already playfight from time to time. I was never really into being rough or dominant until I was with a girl who started "playfight sex" She would initiate it and after a little while I would be absolutely gagging for it, It's like foreplay the longer we'd wrestle for the more I'd want her. I could also guage how rough she wanted to get fucked by how much she'd fight back, it also let me see that she wasn't as delicate as I thought. It's really worth a try as it definitely let us see a different side of each other! If you do try it let me know how it goes
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Play fight sex sounds fun 😈 Its definitely finding a happy medium and other than saying “I’m here take me!” I’m kinda at a loss lol. Will keep at it and see how it goes. Thanks for everyone I put :)
Deleted Member Posted July 2, 2020 Author Posted July 2, 2020 Also if you transition to fucking and he stops being rough you can start fighting back a bit to encourage him. If you do fight back be sure to smile/giggle etc while you do so he can see you're loving it!
Curiouslykinkycouple Posted July 2, 2020 Posted July 2, 2020 Going on what you have said, it seems like your man may get a bit embarrassed, or is maybe nervous about admitting certian things. That male pride can be a killer, think we have all been a victim of it haha. Maybe ease him into it. Drop hints every now and again, more often and get him silently thinking about it. Coming straight out with it could lead to the laughing and shrugging it off. Maybe get the things you want to try and ease him into it slowly but surely. Example being, you want to have dildo play with him, start at the easiest point, use your fingers, massage the spot all guys have at the bum. Next time use lube and tease a bit more, then next time go the full way with your fingers, and then onto the dildo play. Just an example but you know what I mean. He could just straight out want a normal sex life. But with a lot of people, getting past what they believe is normal and all the things they have spoke about with there mates in the pub and stuff could be a big wall. Chip away and be consistent with what you want and want to try with your man. But know his limit, you will know where you can push him too. And the last thing you want is to cause any issues with your relationship. Hope I helped in some sort of way, and good luck bringing him to the dark side. X
Jinxy Posted July 3, 2020 Posted July 3, 2020 Hi! It can be difficult to try to mix things up after being married so long. So you said you already had a plainly honest and open conversation expressly laying out your wants, feelings, and why you feel that way? Did you clarify with him why he was feeling the way he was? Are there things getting in his way? Because I do agree with other people responding, it doesn't sound like a case of definitely not interested, more that he's unsure how to navigate it. In which case, education would be key. Getting over that mental barrier of societal norms of how to treat a person has to come with understanding the base of what makes up the foundation of BDSM and kink. Respect, Communication, Honesty, Trust, Safety, among others. Perhaps understanding these can help him overcome some uneasiness and at least open up more in the dialogue. Maybe another angle to come at it from is what he would be interested in? Perhaps set the "task" of having both of you either come up with a few scenes of fantasies that you find hot or find them on erotica sites (or porn videos). Then going over them together and what interests you about each one. And then start slow. If he's that unsure I doubt he would be sure enough to just jump into a play fight or similar. You said you want him to tie you up. So maybe a simple bondage to the headboard would be a good way to ease in for both of you. Then checking in with each other after to see how that felt for both of you. And then continuing to ramp up slowly from there. The key is to get comfortable for both of you at each level before moving on. The last comment I have is that he really might not be that type of Dominant personality. If that is a side you really wish to explore, there could be the possibility of seeking it with another. This, of course, would be discussed with your husband and consented to fully on both ends. But he might be open to you exploring this with a third. He might even be interested in watching and learning that way, who knows? Good luck! Jinx
Vandalslut Posted July 3, 2020 Posted July 3, 2020 48 minutes ago, Jinxy said: it doesn't sound like a case of definitely not interested, more that he's unsure how to navigate it. Well said. And has also been said, he hasn't said 'No' outright. It sounds as if you're doing all you can, and there's some most excellent suggestions here and I'd just like to add just one more - write it down. Write him a letter, write down your fantasy that he is the STAR of. This may at least lead to some serious discussion. You sound as if you have a happy, joking personality and after fif*** years, he may think you're kidding now, when it's actually something you'd really like to try. Another thing that can sometimes hold men back from trying out Domination/rough sex is the amount of media coverage in many countries regarding domestic ***, what constitutes domestic ***, in , etc etc. So this may be an issue. Wishing you luck.
Deleted Member Posted July 3, 2020 Author Posted July 3, 2020 5 hours ago, Curiouslykinkycouple said: Going on what you have said, it seems like your man may get a bit embarrassed, or is maybe nervous about admitting certian things. That male pride can be a killer Hi 😊😊. It's hard for a man to hear from his partner that basically the sex life is lacking (male pride) and more is needed. We can withdraw even further emotionally so please caution. To hear these things for me can unman us to some extent, damage our generally fragile pride as no man likes to hear his lady needs more that what is given. Talk, talk then talk Some more, maybe find some porn you enjoy and watch it with your man, show him visually what you crave, to see for me is always easier to understand than to hear. To hear can be misunderstood as crtisism to some and as I say thay male pride is fragile. Communication but gentle, slowly introduce new ideas, give him time and space to absorb and think 😊😊
WhiskeyDrinker Posted July 3, 2020 Posted July 3, 2020 He may also need to understand WHY it turns you on. It sounds like you've told him what you'd like him to do, but telling him how it would make you feel and why is another angle. You could, for example tell him these things while your both comfortable, say naked in bed. Lower your voice and tell him how he makes you feel, how you like these things he does and how sometimes- you imagine what it might be like if he ... On the other hand, you may want to find out if his shy/timid is actually because he's interested in the reverse of what you want. Perhaps when you suggest these things he laughs it off because in his mind he suddenly pictures himself being dominated like that, by you. If that's the case, you might be able to convince him to try switching where you try something new for/on him, and then vice versa.
ol**** Posted July 3, 2020 Posted July 3, 2020 Hmm, topping from the bottom is difficult. You want him to do things but he's not interested. Since you are trying to exercise the control it could be said you want to top. Since you wish to control what happens to you that sort of puts you on the bottom. I knew a girl once who was amazing at doing it, but I was a very willing partner, even if I had no idea what was happening. Let me suggest this. Rather than discuss your fantasies, which may be scaring your husband, get him to discuss his with you. I suppose I should mention you may not like what you hear. You may unbottle something you don't like, worse something that your husband has locked away inside himself.
lovesthelash Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 It took me two times while in ecstasy to convince my wife to spank me. She thought it was too “weird”. Well, the second time asking while high we had success. Every time after that, with or without the love drug, I get spanked!!! So, give it a try (unless you’re totally anti drug, then you’re on your own)
lovesthelash Posted July 7, 2020 Posted July 7, 2020 It took me two times while in ecstasy to convince my wife to spank me. She thought it was too “weird”. Well, the second time asking while high we had success. Every time after that, with or without the love drug, I get spanked!!! So, give it a try (unless you’re totally anti drug, then you’re on your own)
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