Mentorship

[Jinxy]

I’ve been curious about this topic as I’ve seen this mentioned around the BDSM community and recently there was a discussion in chat that brought up some things mentors aren’t supposed to do with their mentee. I’d love to learn more about this so I thought I’d create a post. I’d like this to be an informational forum that answers some basic questions about BDSM mentorship from different people’s perspectives. And if anyone else has any questions to add or nuggets of wisdom not covered by the questions, please feel free to share. 

 

Some questions I had about this topic:

-What is it? Is it different for how a person identifies (Dominant, Sadist, etc)? 

-Are Dominants the ones who are primarily mentors? Is there such a thing as submissive mentorship? 

-At what stage of a person’s exploration into BDSM should they seek out a mentor? 

-Is it best to seek out a mentor for a specific skill or just general BDSM guidance? 

-Is there mentor/mentee etiquette? Such as do’s and don’t’s for each role?

-How does someone go about finding a mentor? 

-What should someone look for in a mentor? Or how would someone know they’d make a good mentor? 

 

Tried to keep it to a couple questions but once I got going I kept thinking of more.  Don’t feel you have to answer them all to make a post. 

 

Thank you! 

Jinx

Edited July 27, 2020 by Jinxy
Clarification

[Deleted Member]

Good question and basically your approach is typically what a newby would ask to a mentor.
Two types would need a mentor, a newbie and an experienced kinkster who seek some new knowledge in a specific field for example shibari, needles play, suspension play etc.
Mentor would teach or advise and doesn’t have to be a specific role or type, it’s someone with enough experience and knowledge so yes that person can be a submissive too. In some site you could find their title in the profile so you know they are mentor and could ask for references. Most will give it if they are truly genuine. By reading forum or group posts you could reach for someone and ask if they could mentor you? Or simply put an add in mentorship on another famous site.
There is no etiquette but the mentor set Up himself , usually there is no sexual exchanges unless it’s of course related to it. So you should never feel pressure to send nudes or explicit messages.

[ey****]

- a mentorship is typically someone experienced helping or guiding somebody who is either new, or who wants to gain experience in a certain area.  It can include shadowing, guidance, advice, training, etc.

- it doesn't matter if the mentor is Dominant or submissive (or switch, or neither) a sub could mentor a Dominant to help them understand a subs mindset. vice versa. sub to sub. Dominant to Dominant. Whatever

- I don't think someone needs to seek a mentor - like a lot of things this might just be something that manifests overtime.  But in ways, following bloggers, youtube channels, this website, so on can also be a form of mentorship

- I guess if you want to learn something specific there are choices - attending a workshop on that for example is a way - as might seeking out someone you know is skilled in that

- etiquette; I think a general rule is they shouldn't be a play partner.  That's not to say there won't be a need to demo something on you - but there should be no conflict of interest.   Saying that, if you are a switch and you're playing with a Dominant and want to learn how to do something from them, that might be different - but in that case it'd be better they show you using somebody else rather than on you

- aside from online resources.  best way to find a mentor is in your local community - but just like you shouldn't chuck your arse down at a munch and go "will you be my Mistress (or whatever)" plonking down going "will you teach me the way?" is just as bad.   Be active. Get to know people. Learn who you can benefit from learning from.  Remember any help you get they are giving you a valuable resource in the form of their *time* - don't waste it.  There has to be something they get out of this - whether this is helping someone they think is good, knowledge share, to boost their own status, payment (some or all may apply)

- A good mentor - can they do what you want to the level you aspire to?  If you're looking for advice or guidance do they have a relatively clean reputation or one riddled in controversy ?  You don't want to learn bad habits.

 

[Deleted Member]

Hi Jinxy.

I for the record have a couple of mentors. Its nothing official but I have a knowledgable man and woman who have vast experience that I approach  by dm should I be unsure or need advice. The lass is a submissive as I like to have tho option of seeing it from both sides of the fence and her guidance and wise words have been invaluable,  but both have been a great help 😊😊

Edited July 27, 2020 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[Deleted Member]

I think I made a comment about my mentor recently. He let me down and took advantage as well as ghosting me when I really did need some guidance. All under the guise of mentoring me and I was a complete newbie at the time. If I were to look for someone again (I’m not as I have someone I fully trust and ask advice from) I’d be quite wary and definitely want to speak to others they had mentored or play partners etc. You need to know where that person stands in the community. I find on FL that those who have others “under protection” is a good gauge of their approach for instance.

[Ta****]

3 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

. So you should never feel pressure to send nudes or explicit 

Is that a rule you always keep to without exception?

Edited July 27, 2020 by TammyNatalia
To alter the message...

[SammyB]

Morning Jinx 

Firstly what a fantastic subject 

it’s been a bone of contention with me in last 18 months / 2 yrs as some know 

Mentorship traditionally as I understood happened very differently than it would appear to happen today for some people 

My understanding going back to the Stone Age lol pre internet explosion was that new subs sought the advice and mentorship of another sub with expressed permission from her D .

This wasn’t to remove responsibility of training ... more to get a different perspective and to give balance . It was a safe space to discuss anything without judgment and to ask questions 

Equally if a new Dominant arrived to the lifestyle it was also common practice for a more experience D to take him under his wing ... long discussions etc 

Equally at that time some Dominants believed you could only truly learn to be a Dominant  if  you actually subbed first and sometimes a new D would sub for a week Or two in order give perspective 

Remember in those times information wasn’t freely available so the talking or being mentored was common practice.  

Back then it was not ever acceptable for a Dominant to mentor a submissive 

Equally it was not acceptable to be mentored by many 

Moving forward into today’s climate 

I see things have changed dramatically 

I see that some new submissive are being mentored ... I use that loosely by 3/4/5/6 Dominants — all teaching and tasking including sexual tasks 

Some Dominants have now set themselves up purely as a mentor and now never take on a sub 

I suppose the biggest change and one I questioned to try to understand n not to judge is why an “owned / collared submissive “ Would ever need a Dominant Mentor outside her owner 

I see many newbies running themselves ragged trying to please multiply mentors and performing sexual tasks . There doesn’t appear to be any kind of vetting of mentors 

Is that learning to be submissive or us that just being kinky and easy ...

My understanding of a lifestyle mentor is usually someone who has had significant experience in community talking about etiquette , expectations safety , commonly used practices etc

Unlike today where some after 1yr or 2 online Claim to be experienced Sadly there is sooooo much information available it’s very easily for fakes and frauds to set themselves up as mentors to newbies and leaves them wide open to *** .... some never have held an impact toy yet direct the use of them on submissives. 

I have mentored subs on request and have developed fabulous friendships from that .... years ago the term sub *** was used - none of which ever involved sex 

Equally I have had amazing discussions with new Dominants pointed them in certain  directions to reading or equipment etc 

I’d also like to say for all the new people to the lifestyle please don’t judge the words of the dinosaur .... I’m merely stating what was common practice 

Things grow develop and evolve like all aspects of life 

it’s always a fascinating subject Jinx and it will always raise debate in positive and negative ways 
Sx 

 

 

 

 

[MaleswitchTiger]

I also run my own free bdsm educational learning group the topics information to help new bees are mentor them along the way if I can I’ve had a few I’ve helped  and guided a few BDSM lifestyle get started on their way we are the subs in slaves that I’ve dealt with in the past till they find the right master or mistress and then they go their own way And I’ll settle down with you masters and mistresses

[ol****]

Classically Mentoring is about somebody older or more experienced guiding somebody younger or less experieiced.

You can't insist to somebody that you will mentor them. The mentee actually needs to control the process. It's the mentee who is looking for the help so the mentee needs to chose a mentor they are comfortable with.

Generally if you are asked to mentor a person you need to consider how well you will be able to do it. As a mentor you are there to give advice, perhaps more correctly be a sounding board and or hold up a mirror. That advice may or may not be accepted. Often a Socratic approach works well. Best summed up as "ask questions rather than give advice".

If you are a mentor then you generally cannot have any other relationship with the mentee. The mentee needs the confidence that you are not actually grooming them for your own ends.

The process is the same in the vanilla world as the world of kink for me. Irrespective of how you identify you can act as a mentor.

[pomonagirl]

That is a great question and topic!! A Mentor can be of the same role or a differing role. They should be someone that you trust and respect to give you good, safe, sane advice and should be someone that you feel safe to speak freely with about anything going on in your life (if it's related to the BDSM Lifestyle or not). Some Mentors will want to include a sexual element or sexual relationship; others will not.

For "newbies" (and anyone, really), i always suggest that you try to make "friends" ("friends" meaning, people that have your best interest in mind and don't just want to get into your pants) with different types of people in this lifestyle. Find some people that you can trust and have good conversations with. This will allow you to speak openly about any concerns or questions you have and get different perspectives from people that aren't looking to manipulate, control or seduce you.

If you seek friends and mentors in this way, you will also get a lot of different perspectives on BDSM, which is very important since everyone practices it differently!!

Cheers to a very good and important topic within BDSM lifestyles.

[Jinxy]

Thank you for all the amazing replies so far!
 

10 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

That's not to say there won't be a need to demo something on you - but there should be no conflict of interest.   Saying that, if you are a switch and you're playing with a Dominant and want to learn how to do something from them, that might be different - but in that case it'd be better they show you using somebody else rather than on you

For skill learning, is it usually done with a third so the mentor can observe? Or does the mentee practice on the mentor or themselves? 

 

8 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I find on FL that those who have others “under protection” is a good gauge of their approach for instance.

Can you expand more on what “under protection” means?

[Jinxy]

@SammyB That’s really interesting to see how the process has changed over the years! And you highlighted what I see as one of the largest benefits of mentorship (besides just knowledge) which is the safe space. Having an experienced guide to check in with and promote safe lifestyle practices could make all the difference in making someone’s kink journey a positive one. I feel like a lot of new members could benefit from that. Although as has been mentioned, if a mentor isn’t up to scratch then the mentee has only had the one perspective on how things should work. Fact checking might be appropriate? 

[Jinxy]

3 hours ago, oldfellow said:

As a mentor you are there to give advice, perhaps more correctly be a sounding board and or hold up a mirror. That advice may or may not be accepted.

Agreed. You can’t make anyone accept what you put out there. What happens if the mentee isn’t accepting advice that is really fundamental to BDSM in general or the skill that is being learned? 

[ol****]

You are talking about 2 things here I think.

A skill can be taught, or advised on developed and improved.  The approach to a relationship is something else entirely. The question of "is this a reasonable request" or  " why is my partner reacting in a certain way" or "why am I feelng this"  or "is it normal" is something else again. I won't try to define the range of such questions but they are the core of the matter for mentor and mentee in my view. 

To the specific of your question. If a mentee expresses reluctance to accept well meaning advice that is core to the dynamic then it may just be that the mentee is not cut out for rhe role they are hoping to grow into. Surely then the best advice is to be honest that they may be trying to fit themselves to a role they are unsuited to. 

I have met many "subs" that are anything but sub. That may not prevent a relationship but precludes a D/s relationship,

 

[SammyB]

18 minutes ago, Jinxy said:

@SammyB That’s really interesting to see how the process has changed over the years! And you highlighted what I see as one of the largest benefits of mentorship (besides just knowledge) which is the safe space. Having an experienced guide to check in with and promote safe lifestyle practices could make all the difference in making someone’s kink journey a positive one. I feel like a lot of new members could benefit from that. Although as has been mentioned, if a mentor isn’t up to scratch then the mentee has only had the one perspective on how things should work. Fact checking might be appropriate? 

I agree Jinx fact checking is the way to go , We all have responsibility to try an educate ourselves , not everyone has those skills sadly .

Also many can be so engrossed in their dynamic the cannot see the woods for the trees and assume everything their Dominant is saying is correct.... this isn’t always the case 
 

My advice certainly is to chat to people, have discussions about the current socially acceptable norms,  these come you often in the lobby and generally spoken about .
 

Find those who are community leaders who  genuinely involved . Ask for their support and guidance or at very least to point you in the direction ... 

A Curious mind is good trait and there no such thing as a silly question 

There are plenty of reputable tools , websites etc that are recognised within the lifestyle .... so yes fact checking is always important 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Jinxy said:

Thank you for all the amazing replies so far!
 

Can you expand more on what “under protection” means?

Hi Jinxy, it’s just anecdotal for me but the people I have got to know who I would regard as trustworthy and helpful with their advice usually are protecting one or more younger/less experienced kinksters. I know both men and women on both sides of the slash who do this. I was offered protection from someone last year when I was getting a fair amount of grief on “the other site”. It’s largely symbolic, but means that I would have had someone with a status and reputation defending me and looking out for me. It often serves as a “keep away” barrier for numpties from what I have been told. 😁

[Koby]

What is it? Is it different for how a person identifies (Dominant, Sadist, etc)? 

Guidance, shared knowledge and experience. Personally, it shouldn't involve play as that for me is teaching 

-Are Dominants the ones who are primarily mentors? Is there such a thing as submissive mentorship? 

Its gender-less, ageless and role less

-At what stage of a person’s exploration into BDSM should they seek out a mentor? 

At any stage - we all imo remain students of BDSM.

-Is it best to seek out a mentor for a specific skill or just general BDSM guidance? 

Depends on your individual need.

-Is there mentor/mentee etiquette? Such as do’s and don’t’s for each role?

Don't blur the lines- invest emotionally wisely

-How does someone go about finding a mentor? 

Utilise various forums and face to face events

-What should someone look for in a mentor? Or how would someone know they’d

Most important question- be mindful of the wolf in a  sheeps clothing 

[Jinxy]

These are some great replies and I really appreciate people taking the time to respond! I’ve been thinking about it some more over the last couple days and have come to the question of this: Many of you mentioned that really a great way to learn, especially with the internet, is through the free exchange of ideas and resources, both on your own and with various others in the community (not necessarily one specific individual). Would formal mentorship with the one-on-one guidance even the best way to go about learning BDSM anymore? Does anyone have any experiences about mentorship they might like to share about whether it was helpful or not versus just learning through resources? 

[ey****]

8 hours ago, Jinxy said:

Would formal mentorship with the one-on-one guidance even the best way to go about learning BDSM anymore

I think an answer is that it depends on the person.

I personally wouldn't mentor someone on a one-to-one basis : but : I do contribut to discussions and blog with a purpose of knowledge and info share. (Though, I have plenty of people say my stuff has helped, it's only ever the women who tip ) 

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, Jinxy said:

These are some great replies and I really appreciate people taking the time to respond! I’ve been thinking about it some more over the last couple days and have come to the question of this: Many of you mentioned that really a great way to learn, especially with the internet, is through the free exchange of ideas and resources, both on your own and with various others in the community (not necessarily one specific individual). Would formal mentorship with the one-on-one guidance even the best way to go about learning BDSM anymore? Does anyone have any experiences about mentorship they might like to share about whether it was helpful or not versus just learning through resources? 

I’ve found 1:1 mentorship (informal as it is) hugely helpful for me. It’s changed my perspective of myself and what I want out of kink.

[Deleted Member]

An amazing topic! I personally as a "newbie" made a few friends and chatted with people on the site and continue to do so . I had "mentors" initially that I met one to one but I benefitted most from my online mentor's. I continue to utilise the site and the online community as the support and advice received really did save me and set me on the right path. I have found that in turn I am slowly gaining in confidence to comment on posts such as these as any and all contributions can be a support to someone

[Ho****]

Those are great questions. I’m definitely thinking about a few of those questions myself.