Kink as escapism & short term gratification ?

[Deleted Member]

On my journey exploring the kinky universe I have recently come to ponder the question in how far kink has become an escape, - a place where ‘real life’ is left behind, a distraction to indulge in, whereby, depending on the activity, short term gratification can be derived from.
If this is so, in how far is it helpful and/ or a hindrance (healthy vs unhealthy). It would be really interesting to read your views.

[Deleted Member]

This is a question I've spent the last year or so pondering myself. I cannot answer your question however as what is healthy for one may be too much for another, all about the individual. One thing I have ensured though as I explored was not to let my kink self become more than my vanilla self. I've found from interacting with others that some can get so wrapped up in this exciting new world they forget who they truly are, the real person behind the whip shall we say. It's so easy to lose our identity and become something other than what our true nature dictates.

Edited August 6, 2020 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[mu****]

I think kink as a part of me. I guess it depends on how you view it or what it means to you. It’s like an art form that allows you to express yourself cause there’s no other way to express it. And why is it not reality? Why do you consider something as reality and not another? I also like to keep questioning my beliefs not just kink but life as well. Do I do or believe someone cause I have been taught to believe it or do I cause I believe that act is truly what I want.
And why can realities not keep changing. Humans are able to have such complex thoughts and feelings.
Unhealthy vs healthy I guess depends on your mental state right. Like someone just verbally degrading someone but actually meaning it is far more scary according to me than someone who genuinely looks at me as an equal or not something weak but feels sexual gratification from physically hurting me (with consent).

[ey****]

when I started getting into kink properly I was in a job I hated.

although my home life was good, a lot often felt a little living-for-the-weekend and that kink did help me escape an awful job and give me a kinda validation the job couldn't.

So, believe it or not, when I was changing job I was a little worried that having escaped a job that was really dull that kink would lose it's appeal and excitement

turns out.... well.... that it didn't.  

[Deleted Member]

Honestly it’s a breath of fresh air. The internet at whole especially most social platforms etc is restricted and in turn makes you feel shame. Here I have met loads of people who allow me to be me and for that I am eternally grateful.

[Th****]

18 hours ago, LadyMm said:

If this is so, in how far is it helpful and/ or a hindrance (healthy vs unhealthy). It would be really interesting to read your views.

I have been living my particular lifestyle for a long time now. As has been said very well this is personal and quite different in each case and of course I can only speak for myself.

I believe that your observation is indeed valid, more so at the start of someone's journey it can become all consuming. When someone first discovers kink the freedom to be themselves wholly, to speak to people they relate to, and to explore absolutely anything of this huge arena can indeed cause a lack of balance.  This is often referred to in some cases as Frenzy.

For me, when I first entered this community decades ago. It was not the kink its self that was so freeing. It was the fact that I could talk to people who thought the same way as me. 

No longer did I feel like such a total freak for the way I viewed the world as I had found my people.

 

Look at it this way instead, forget kink and sex for a moment. Imagine someone who has a different perspective on the world meets a group of people who share their views. They could be religious or philosophical, or even motor cycle enthusiasts, it matters not. No one would dream of criticising them for  wanting to spend their lives with the people that they feel most akin to.

In fact this often happens, like minded people have less explaining to do and generally find they have a base level of understanding to build their communication up from.

This is, of course how I view my lifestyle.

I am awful at vanilla and I will freely admit that I hate it and feel that there are all those areas you do not talk about, areas where people are just expected to not speak of. Even when they are in a relationship. There is so much that is taboo that I find full and frank honest communication almost impossible unless I am with someone who is at least kink aware. Once a line of communication in vanilla is closed, it is normally closed permanently. It is not seen as at all unreasonable for a vanilla partner to flatly refuse their partners lifestyle choices. As of course is there right. 

What is their partner expected to do at that point?

It is a fork in the road ....They either deny a large piece of themselves and stay with the person that does not accept them fully. Hiding a part of themselves away, denying their true selves.

They have a relationship outside of that relationship in order to actually be able to be somewhat true to themselves.

They abandon the vanilla world and walk into the lifestyle in the hope that they can find someone that will love them for all that they are unconditionally and not in-spite of it.

 

As you may guess I am here as I believe we are all worth being loved unconditionally should we so wish it. 

That we are worth being accepted for all that we are not just the parts that fit.

That every one of us is a perfectly unique and yet amazing individual worthy of respect and kindness.

That we are stronger together than apart.

 

Is it helpful to me? ... Essential, it is the basis of my relationships/s and helpful. Yes.

If you are in a long term relationship this ceases to be a lifestyle of instant gratification. It takes just as much work, if not more in fact. As any relationship.

It is on multiple levels and will differ from couple to couple.

Maintaining the caring, humanity and balance of your lives and your dynamic will *** you to keep your feet on the ground.

I do hope this perspective helps.

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Thebian said:

I have been living my particular lifestyle for a long time now. As has been said very well this is personal and quite different in each case and of course I can only speak for myself.

I believe that your observation is indeed valid, more so at the start of someone's journey it can become all consuming. When someone first discovers kink the freedom to be themselves wholly, to speak to people they relate to, and to explore absolutely anything of this huge arena can indeed cause a lack of balance.  This is often referred to in some cases as Frenzy.

For me, when I first entered this community decades ago. It was not the kink its self that was so freeing. It was the fact that I could talk to people who thought the same way as me. 

No longer did I feel like such a total freak for the way I viewed the world as I had found my people.

 

Look at it this way instead, forget kink and sex for a moment. Imagine someone who has a different perspective on the world meets a group of people who share their views. They could be religious or philosophical, or even motor cycle enthusiasts, it matters not. No one would dream of criticising them for  wanting to spend their lives with the people that they feel most akin to.

In fact this often happens, like minded people have less explaining to do and generally find they have a base level of understanding to build their communication up from.

This is, of course how I view my lifestyle.

I am awful at vanilla and I will freely admit that I hate it and feel that there are all those areas you do not talk about, areas where people are just expected to not speak of. Even when they are in a relationship. There is so much that is taboo that I find full and frank honest communication almost impossible unless I am with someone who is at least kink aware. Once a line of communication in vanilla is closed, it is normally closed permanently. It is not seen as at all unreasonable for a vanilla partner to flatly refuse their partners lifestyle choices. As of course is there right. 

What is their partner expected to do at that point?

It is a fork in the road ....They either deny a large piece of themselves and stay with the person that does not accept them fully. Hiding a part of themselves away, denying their true selves.

They have a relationship outside of that relationship in order to actually be able to be somewhat true to themselves.

They abandon the vanilla world and walk into the lifestyle in the hope that they can find someone that will love them for all that they are unconditionally and not in-spite of it.

 

As you may guess I am here as I believe we are all worth being loved unconditionally should we so wish it. 

That we are worth being accepted for all that we are not just the parts that fit.

That every one of us is a perfectly unique and yet amazing individual worthy of respect and kindness.

That we are stronger together than apart.

 

Is it helpful to me? ... Essential, it is the basis of my relationships/s and helpful. Yes.

If you are in a long term relationship this ceases to be a lifestyle of instant gratification. It takes just as much work, if not more in fact. As any relationship.

It is on multiple levels and will differ from couple to couple.

Maintaining the caring, humanity and balance of your lives and your dynamic will *** you to keep your feet on the ground.

I do hope this perspective helps.

 

 

 

What a fantastic response, Thebian. One of the things I love so much about finding other kinky people is that connections/relationships stop being so...linear and closed off. So many barriers to openness and experience are lifted.

[ma****]

Very well described , I remember my frenzy time when I first discovered kink so I know that feeling. Definitely settled down now but I couldn’t help but take away from thebians response about relationship dynamics and being “kink aware” I’ve also learned I’m utterly useless at vanilla yet weirdly enough come alive when fetish comes into mind had a longer term vanilla relationship in which we had issues in the bedroom. Had once paid a trip to Ann summers looking for lingerie, when I’d jokingly tossed around a comment about some Bdsm stuff a high street shop was ing like “wow some of the stuff they here eh?!” Hoping got a positive reaction. Didn’t bode well when the response was not even slightly endorsing of the idea I was like ooooh boy that’s not promising. But yes I tend to agree with the other kinksters here

[Koby]

Personally, my relationship have always had a Nilla element and that provides a certain degree of internal balance.

Most importantly Nilla & Kink provide necessary boundaries & overlaps there has to be time for both, otherwise they will not flourish.

Lastly, introspection and reflection. Taking a moment to reflect on our experiences and where we are directing our energy to.