A really hard decision to make

[PhantomFlogger]

Today i was at work in a building for mental health, a 24 year old come to my office where i share with another lady, she was just saying hi when my colleague noticed the girl had a red mark on her stomach, she was asked what it was and she replied with a smile that her boyfriend bit her, i smiled a knowing smile but my colleague quite alarmed asked why, the girl said "because its what you do init" i said to the girl that she can go but just be safe, my colleague shouted "no, come here i need to talk to you" ushering my client into an empty side office, a few moments later the member of staff come out and demanded i call the police, i asked what she has found out so which my colleague replied "the bite marks, he cant get away with this" quite confused i asked if the client asked for the police, she said "no but she would say that, he bit her and she obviously doesnt want to be bitten, nobody does!" I told her that some people do but she replied yeah, people who are unwell or ***d!

I told her im not gonna call the police, there is no crime, but my colleague insisted then called them herself, the then made notes on our system that i said its okay to *** females, now this is obviously not true, but i found myself unable to process this, but also just from her reaction i didnt want to out myself as an "***r" at work in front of a client.. so the police were called and turned up about an hour later, but within that hour my colleague had convinced this girl that she should dump her partner, that she is a victim of *** and that she needs to press charges, which she did, a safe guarding was raised with our local council and a warrant for his arrest was put out.

I mean WOW! 

The pure ignorance, the police took it serious and the poor guy was tricked into returning and he was arrested, for biting his partners stomach during sex, she even said she liked it, but here i am unable to explain to this colleague of mine and the crisis team that biting is okay with 2 consentual adults.. but i was getting the strangest looks and now my client is in tears because shes now a victim..

Lets see what you all think of this!

[Mary_Banastre]

I think it’s right to err on the side of domestic *** and I would hope that as a mental health professional you would understand that.

He wouldn’t have been arrested if there was nothing dodgy going on, there’s clearly more to this than you are aware of.

[Deleted Member]

Offft this is a tricky one...... Domestic *** is a very hot topic at the moment working government and law en***ment and something that once a ball starts rolling is hard to stop. 
 

Technically an person who intentionally causes harm to another is guilty of ***. People can argue consent etc but in the eyes of the law  u cannot consent to being ***ed. Particularly when marks are being left. 
 

If this female now feels she is a victim the guy is kinda screwed. It is why we all have to be so so careful about who and how we play. The law is black and white and we live in the very very grey section ! 
 

Hopefully on further investigation it will be dropped due to evidence and testimonies but equally what’s to say she hasn’t been a victim ...... 

 

only those two parties know the truth.... but a very good learning point for others .... remember the positions ur putting urself in and the repercussions if it goes wrong 

 

x 

[SammyB]

11 hours ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Today i was at work in a building for mental health, a 24 year old come to my office where i share with another lady, she was just saying hi when my colleague noticed the girl had a red mark on her stomach, she was asked what it was and she replied with a smile that her boyfriend bit her, i smiled a knowing smile but my colleague quite alarmed asked why, the girl said "because its what you do init" i said to the girl that she can go but just be safe, my colleague shouted "no, come here i need to talk to you" ushering my client into an empty side office, a few moments later the member of staff come out and demanded i call the police, i asked what she has found out so which my colleague replied "the bite marks, he cant get away with this" quite confused i asked if the client asked for the police, she said "no but she would say that, he bit her and she obviously doesnt want to be bitten, nobody does!" I told her that some people do but she replied yeah, people who are unwell or ***d!

I told her im not gonna call the police, there is no crime, but my colleague insisted then called them herself, the then made notes on our system that i said its okay to *** females, now this is obviously not true, but i found myself unable to process this, but also just from her reaction i didnt want to out myself as an "***r" at work in front of a client.. so the police were called and turned up about an hour later, but within that hour my colleague had convinced this girl that she should dump her partner, that she is a victim of *** and that she needs to press charges, which she did, a safe guarding was raised with our local council and a warrant for his arrest was put out.

I mean WOW! 

The pure ignorance, the police took it serious and the poor guy was tricked into returning and he was arrested, for biting his partners stomach during sex, she even said she liked it, but here i am unable to explain to this colleague of mine and the crisis team that biting is okay with 2 consentual adults.. but i was getting the strangest looks and now my client is in tears because shes now a victim..

Lets see what you all think of this!

I have worked with adults in crisis 

I worked with a specific client group , like you the girl come in bruised 

She was clearly wearing a collar

Some of my colleagues were horrified 

I tried to explain about consent 

Like your case they assumed it was Domestic *** and called the police 

Its very difficult to explain to colleagues 

The girl was sporting a hand print and restraint marks 

My lifestyle choices are not common knowledge and certainly would be frowned upon 

It’s incredibly difficult position to be in 

S

[Deleted Member]

If the woman really did like it and was really into it she would have explained better and defended her boyfriends actions, I for one know if the police saw my cane marks I would have definitely explained its what I am into I liked wanted and consented to it and there was no crime I wouldn't have been convinced otherwise and I most definitely wouldn't have pressed charges.

The face the woman couldn't explain better than its just what we do indicates to me not the presence of bdsm but the lack of knowledge of why her partner does it 'its just what he does' and she has just accepted this fact

[Wo****]

Legally he has ***ed her, and she doesn't need to press charges... it's one of the things Pirate and I were aware of when we did our impact play demo sessions at the club. If someone, anyone, reported it, legally it's ***, even if it's consensual.

 

My niggle here is her saying it's what you do... that could suggest ***. Maybe.

 

I've had some bruising noticed, luckily by a friend, I was able to just tell them I'm into impact play and actually explain a bit about it.

If I go to a doctor or another medical professional while I'm marked I'd expect there to be questions asked.

Why/how was her mark spotted? Why was she questioned about it? What had she come to see someone about? 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

What I would say here guys is pressing charges isn’t a thing ...... if there is enough evidence the police and cps can go ahead regardless of whether the “victim” wants to or not ......

[Mary_Banastre]

Domestic *** charges wouldn’t happen without the consent of the victim for such an apparently minor ***. There is more to the story than the OP knows.

[Koby]

Individuals forget that not everyone is kink-aware. What looks like a simple bruise to you obtained via play, is a concern or sign of *** to others.

The wider lesson is Boundaries and utilising common sense. Apologies, if this sounds harsh - but you simply need to be aware of what information you share and who you share with - involuntarily or voluntarily.

Your colleague did the right thing and considering the field you work in, I guess followed organisational policy.

Personally, I would have done the same as it would need to be investigated. As I am not the safeguarding officer, it's not my responsibility to determine whether a crime has been committed.My duty is notify the relevant parties and record what I have observed.

Could you imagine the outcry if police did not investigate and it did turn out to be DA

[Ki****]

Her answer of ‘because it’s what you do’ is a big red flag and I’d be concerned that she’s been persuaded that being physically injured during sex is what she’s supposed to do to keep her partner happy. This is a difficult one as both you and your colleague are projecting your own beliefs onto the situation (and your colleague is clearly vanilla) but without you being in the room with the woman at all times you won’t know if she gave other information that’s more relevant to this than just being ‘bitten’ in the heat of the moment. You also mention that she was coming to a building that covers mental health issues - if she was a client she might be classed as a *** adult or be unable to make informed choices about her body. There are so many factors that could be at play that it might well have been the right call to involve the police and this was a 24 yr old woman (not girl) so I doubt your colleague could have been that persuasive in terms of convincing her to involve the police. I can’t help thinking that if she really was into consensual BDSM then she would have explained this and not listened to your colleague.

[PhantomFlogger]

35 minutes ago, Mary_Banastre said:

Domestic *** charges wouldn’t happen without the consent of the victim for such an apparently minor ***. There is more to the story than the OP knows.

No, the police can press charges on the victims behalf, but it was the girl who did it, i can assure you, the way the girl was laughing and trying to hide her embarrassment wasnt out of *** or repercussions, i could tell she was confused why it was an issue, it wasnt until my colleague got involved and took her aside that my client (in my eyes) was convinced she was a victim, an *** of power on my colleagues behalf.

Being a "victim" is a symptom of a few mental health rationales. People out to get you, the world is unfair to them, even simply a way to rein*** attention, not that its their fault they crave attention.. all im saying is as a mental heath professional with 6 years in domestic *** mother and baby units, i see this all to often, some subs give up control to bad actors who look like good Dom/mes

[PhantomFlogger]

Also my issue isnt that the police were called, i do have the ability to make judgement calls, and to bring such a case down on a personal relationship i think is quite a strain on someone if they themselves dont see it as a problem, if i genuinely thought she was at risk then id be the first to call the police, and that is what my colleague did. My issue is taking the client aside for an hour without witness and convincing her she is a victim, her adoring partner is an ***r, and i quote "you are messed up in the head if you want someone to bite you" and "you have mental health so you dont know what is right or wrong" i can see im not going to convince everyone of my point of view, but i hope you can put some weight into the fact i was there and due to my belief description you may not quite understand how unfazed my client was when she first come down, then how confused she was when a person in power is telling them they are mentally ill if they ask to be bitten, true "its just what you do" is vague, but its also dismissive and to the point.

[PhantomFlogger]

2 hours ago, 87cheekysub said:

Offft this is a tricky one...... Domestic *** is a very hot topic at the moment working government and law en***ment and something that once a ball starts rolling is hard to stop. 
 

Technically an person who intentionally causes harm to another is guilty of ***. People can argue consent etc but in the eyes of the law  u cannot consent to being ***ed. Particularly when marks are being left. 
 

If this female now feels she is a victim the guy is kinda screwed. It is why we all have to be so so careful about who and how we play. The law is black and white and we live in the very very grey section ! 
 

Hopefully on further investigation it will be dropped due to evidence and testimonies but equally what’s to say she hasn’t been a victim ...... 

 

only those two parties know the truth.... but a very good learning point for others .... remember the positions ur putting urself in and the repercussions if it goes wrong 

 

x 

The plot thickens, he was arrested, and despite the the girls protests, the police have went forward and booked him, apparently the police didnt see any issue, but due to the mental health aspect and my colleague opening a safeguarding, he is no longer allowed near her or to contact her, shes devistated

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Being a "victim" is a symptom of a few mental health rationales. People out to get you, the world is unfair to them, even simply a way to rein*** attention, not that its their fault they crave attention.. all im saying is as a mental heath professional with 6 years in domestic *** mother and baby units, i see this all to often, some subs give up control to bad actors who look like good Dom/mes

This is so Important and something that is often overlooked. I dont have any advice, only to say that your colleague pretty much rein***d that. 

[Si****]

Although it is ***, their are provisions in the UK law that take into account consenting actions. Boxing, martial arts, rugby and other contact sports are given consideration when deciding If it was *** or not.The CPS decide on what will happen based not only on the evidence but what both parties say in their interviews. He will be arrested on suspicion and would then be questioned. He will say it was consensual and they would then question the girl to find out if she was consenting.

There is always more to things that the police will look into before deciding to take further action.

[Mary_Banastre]

1 hour ago, PhantomFlogger said:

No, the police can press charges on the victims behalf, but it was the girl who did it, i can assure you, the way the girl was laughing and trying to hide her embarrassment wasnt out of *** or repercussions, i could tell she was confused why it was an issue, it wasnt until my colleague got involved and took her aside that my client (in my eyes) was convinced she was a victim, an *** of power on my colleagues behalf.

Being a "victim" is a symptom of a few mental health rationales. People out to get you, the world is unfair to them, even simply a way to rein*** attention, not that its their fault they crave attention.. all im saying is as a mental heath professional with 6 years in domestic *** mother and baby units, i see this all to often, some subs give up control to bad actors who look like good Dom/mes

I would hope that if you had experience in domestic *** units then you would understand how common domestic *** is and how comparatively uncommon kink is.

Many victims of domestic ***, like myself, don’t consider themselves victims until it’s pointed out to us. We just assume that this is life and it’s how all relationships are.

[Bo****]

1 hour ago, PhantomFlogger said:

The plot thickens, he was arrested, and despite the the girls protests, the police have went forward and booked him, apparently the police didnt see any issue, but due to the mental health aspect and my colleague opening a safeguarding, he is no longer allowed near her or to contact her, shes devistated

I think you definately need to stand up for what is right. Take each person involved (colleage, police officers, station clarke etc) aside and have a quiet word with them about the other side of the matter that your colleague doesn't see, detailing the evidence that you see to prove so and, importantly, detailing how the situation has come to what it is in the face of all that evidence.
Many, like your colleague, simply do not know otherwise, and the rest of them are just hearing snippets from a health care institution and are doing their supposed duty.
This poor girl, by the sounds of it, has been bullied by the health care institution into making false claims against her boyfriend, and an innocent young man has been given a criminal record.
I sounds like she hasnt been strong minded enough to put her foot down and stop things in their tracks so the onus may lie only on you. x

[Bo****]

Also, regarding your quotations of your colleague, for the sake of your future clients your colleague needs to be trained to recognise and understand other causes of bite marks and bruises. I think I would have a formal conversation with the management to ensure the staff are adequately knowledgeable.
Excuse double posting, the Android app is Faulty.

[Carnelian2]

Having read most of the entries in this thread, I am not sure which side to err on. On one hand, it might all have been consensual but on the other hand, if the young lady is so easily convinced that she has been coerced into doing something, then that there may be more to the story than we see.

I do agree that it is most important to be cautious. It would be absolutely terrible if this turned out to be a genuine case of *** and thus without full consent. The thing about consent is that the consenting adult must be able to clearly explain that it is consensual and why. In this case, it appears not to be the case.

[Deleted Member]

I used to work in mental health and it sounds like a very difficult situation for you. I, like you, would have had a very different conversation with the young lady, asking her what her opinion of it was and what the circumstances were. If she had responded with something along the lines of ‘this is what he does when he’s angry with me’ then yes it’s *** but if she had said ‘this is something we both enjoy’ then I would have a very different conversation with her.

I think it might be a good idea for you to have a conversation with either your boss or HR on your take of how things went and how they could improve things in future, the way questions are asked and how to react to the answers.

Unfortunately there will always be those that react the way your colleague did but maybe with some knowledge they can reach a better understanding.

I always have a rule that any marks or bruises can be hidden by clothing so not to alarm others or so I don’t have to out myself as a kinkster to people who don’t need to know.