Assessing your Dom characteristics:

[Perpetually-Evolving]

These are a few questions I frequently ask men who consider themselves to be an established Dom.
• Are you objective in evaluating the overall execution of your role as a provider to your Sub’s desire/need to explore their inner-most fantasies?

• In what manner do you guide your Sub to examine their self-imposed boundaries and encourage them to embrace their vulnerabilities?

• Do you find yourself to be ego-driven with an agenda in your role as Master? Or, are you a Provider who navigates your Sub's journey in fulfilling their fantasies?

• Are you a patient Master who allows your Sub the time they need to acclimate themselves into their role as a Sub?

• Do you understand that mutual respect, honesty, and trust are paramount to the quality of the power-exchange relationship between a Dom and his Sub?

• By taking control, do you understand that you are claiming sole responsibility for fulfilling your Sub's needs/desires?

A Dom/Sub relationship is ultimately an intense psychology rush; one that is intended for both participants. The mental stimulation is the catalyst for physical and emotional pleasure. A good Dom will be confident and knowledgeable of his capabilities and have a full understanding of his commission with his Sub. He will be adept at reading body language and know how to address subtle changes the Sub may not even be aware of.

As a Dom, you naturally want respect and compliance from your Sub. You will need to be willing to become a selfless partner who puts all of his focus on his Sub without giving consideration to his own pleasure. Some Doms believe themselves to be in control. I affirm that it is the Sub who is the authority figure. They choose to relieve themselves of that responsibility by giving new ownership to the Dom.

Both Dom and Sub can be seen as a paradox. As polar opposites, dominating vs submitting, they both are one and the same. As a director and actor in their “arrangement”, they each play both roles, different and the yet same. It’s a unique execution of individual personalities. An interesting example of knowing not everything is what it seems.

As always when discussing anything relative to sex/sexuality, I strive to be objective in all things and be exempt from judgment or criticism regarding anyone’s sexual proclivities. My writings will consist of both my personal observations/opinions as well as established research from one-on-one conversations with men and women.

In the grand universe of sex, I am yet a novice but, I’m learning every day about the multi-dimensional characteristics of sexuality. I love that Fetlife provides a venue for everyone to share their thoughts and questions. As we all evolve as sexual beings so do our curiosities for all things behind the Green door.

I wish for safe and happy experiences for everyone! Never stop exploring

[Deleted Member]

Brilliantly worded! It would be helpful if more people were self-aware and thoughtful in regars to dom/sub dynamics.

[Deleted Member]

Regard *

[Perpetually-Evolving]

43 minutes ago, Laniakea said:

Brilliantly worded! It would be helpful if more people were self-aware and thoughtful in regars to dom/sub dynamics.

So glad for your appreciation.   You are a beautiful woman.  All my best in your journey to self discovery.

[Koby]

Very pertinent questions 

The question I have really is.... How do Subs tease out this information when you just begin to date someone and how do you determine its authenticity?

[Carnelian2]

What you have written does not appear to capture the nuances of D/s relationships, which has elements of a foundational relationship overlaid with the D/s dynamic. 

Think of the notion of a Sumarai and his/her Sword. They become one, with sword being an extension of the Sumurai. This is not instantaneous. 

A Dom/sub relationship is like that; an extension of each other, each building on the needs and strengths of the other. How that plays out then depends on the dynamics of each relationship. No two relationships are identical.

Also, please bear in mind that each relationship has to be consensual to work. What you consent to, I may consider *** if done to me. We are all different. 

[Perpetually-Evolving]

13 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

What you have written does not appear to capture the nuances of D/s relationships, which has elements of a foundational relationship overlaid with the D/s dynamic. 

Think of the notion of a Sumarai and his/her Sword. They become one, with sword being an extension of the Sumurai. This is not instantaneous. 

A Dom/sub relationship is like that; an extension of each other, each building on the needs and strengths of the other. How that plays out then depends on the dynamics of each relationship. No two relationships are identical.

Also, please bear in mind that each relationship has to be consensual to work. What you consent to, I may consider *** if done to me. We are all different. 

Yes, there should be a fundamental foundation of trust, respect, and mutual consent. The dynamics  between a D/s is multi-dimensional. What I chose to write about is just one element for  discussion regarding the relationship. I could write much more but was hoping for some dialogue for the questions/comments I presented. 

I've noticed that many men labeling themselves as Doms either are not at all dominant or believe they are simply because they like control, which does not make someone a Dom. Again, just one reason I wrote my article.

And yes, we are all different with unique appetites. I'm not disagreeing with that. I would encourage you read my article again.  I think you will discover our thoughts are in agreement.

[Cade]

For assessing the type of dominance, these questions seem adequate; however, I don't think any set of questions can definitively decide if someone is or isn't dominant, nor should there be, in a culture of acceptance in regards to diversity and individuality. As pointed out, everyone is different, and by extension, every dynamic is different. These questions seem worded in such a way to reflect what *you* believe a d/s dynamic should be, which is completely correct from your experience/understanding/idealism, but may not reflect other's experience/understanding/idealism. Likewise, much like the flaw of the very popular BDSM test we see on so many profiles, the questions are phrased in a direct manner, making it easy to respond in a way to get a desired outcome, and as such, easily manipulated. That's not even considering personal interpretation, education level, "fantasy over reality" thinking (among many other factors) are going to naturally askew the responses; additionally, you are going to apply your biases regarding those responses, naturally based on your experience/understanding/idealism.

Respectfully, I disagree that the submissive is the "authority figure" of the dynamic, but I do think these are excellent questions for assessing dominants that may or may not work for your preferred relationship type. Kudos!

[Th****]

12 hours ago, Perpetually-Evolving said:

These are a few questions I frequently ask men who consider themselves to be an established Dom.
• Are you objective in evaluating the overall execution of your role as a provider to your Sub’s desire/need to explore their inner-most fantasies?

• In what manner do you guide your Sub to examine their self-imposed boundaries and encourage them to embrace their vulnerabilities?

• Do you find yourself to be ego-driven with an agenda in your role as Master? Or, are you a Provider who navigates your Sub's journey in fulfilling their fantasies?

• Are you a patient Master who allows your Sub the time they need to acclimate themselves into their role as a Sub?

• Do you understand that mutual respect, honesty, and trust are paramount to the quality of the power-exchange relationship between a Dom and his Sub?

• By taking control, do you understand that you are claiming sole responsibility for fulfilling your Sub's needs/desires?

 

• Are you objective in evaluating the overall execution of your role as a provider to your Sub’s desire/need to explore their inner-most fantasies.

Primarily yes with a slight but.   

My dynamics are consent based with very little CNC, as a Dominant I have a technical skill set that allows be to render a vast amount of *** in various ways, if required by the submissive and the same goes with pleasure.

I look at these skill sets as my tool bag, not every situation or sub needs all the tools, some will never need some of those tools. My job is to match the right tools to the right person in a manner that will leave them and I satisfied.

I believe if the Dominants only concerned  with the subs needs and desires then they become little short of a fetish dispenser,

 

• In what manner do you guide your Sub to examine their self-imposed boundaries and encourage them to embrace their vulnerabilities?

Communication, praise and positive rein***ment cannot be over emphasised. Now saying that I am a huge fan of embracing someone vulnerabilities and all, and I think that being loved unconditionally helps someone be able to possibly see themselves in that same positive light.

Self-imposed barriers all depend on why they are there. It may just be something that someone thinks that they cannot do, in which case you can help them to realise that they may be able to achieve it.

Some barriers are there for a reason there though. They are covering past trauma or due to PTSD. So they are trigger points. These boundaries I would not try to get past unless specifically requested by the sub first and discussed deeply before hand. 

 

 

• Do you find yourself to be ego-driven with an agenda in your role as Master? Or, are you a Provider who navigates your Sub's journey in fulfilling their fantasies?

I will be honest here this is harder to separate in the form it is asked as the options are not as clearly cut as the question would have you believe. However, I am a firm believer in the fact that a Dominant needs confidence and humility and so I will come at the answer thus:

                                           EGO                                                                                                           CONFIDENCE

         1.      Entitled, insecure, rigid.                                                                                       1.       Humble, grateful, open.              

         2.     There is no separation between my feelings/ opinions                                  2.      I am not my opinions or feelings.

                  so disagreement is a threat.

          3.    I have an answer for everything.                                                                         3.     I'm fine with saying I don't know or don't have

                                                                                                                                                           experience with something.

          4.    I own things to portray an image.                                                                       4.     I own the things that bring me joy.

          5.    My credentials/ career / social status speaks for itself.                                5.     Nothing external speaks louder than my lived                                                                                                                                                                   experience.

          6.    More for someone else means less for me.                                                     6.     There is an abundance so I seek collaboration                                                                                                                                                                  and community

 

• Are you a patient Master who allows your Sub the time they need to acclimate themselves into their role as a Sub?

Well I am not a Master but let us go with Dominant. There is a phrase that is used in BDSM and D/s that in reality takes many, many forms. That phrase is the training of a submissive. 

It is not always quite what it sounds, in some cases an intensive and long period of actual training will be necessary to ensure that the sub is right for the role. @Cade You could summarise this better than I my friend.

Then in a lighter dynamic the training element may just be case of finding if both parties fit and learning how each other play. I am on the lighter side with a little sadism.

 

• Do you understand that mutual respect, honesty, and trust are paramount to the quality of the power-exchange relationship between a Dom and his Sub?

Not just Trust,Respect, Honesty. We can also highlight here fully informed consent and equal opportunity to free flowing communication on a regular basis.

Personally I will add in that I see it as my responsibility to help a sub Grow and provide full aftercare. 

 

• By taking control, do you understand that you are claiming sole responsibility for fulfilling your Sub's needs/desires?

 

Well this is contentious. If it were a Poly relationship you may well not be.

If your sub is a switch then while they are in Dom space they may well have their own sub.

Those are just two examples.

The next two are RACK and PRICK.

RACK is Risk Aware Consensual Kink - 

This means that you are both not only aware vaguely of the risks but you should be able to name each one and this enables you to engage in Consent that really is fully informed.

PRICK is Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink

This was the next step beyond RACK, and by personal preference. It means that you are BOTH taking personal responsibility for what is about to occur. That is because, as in Rack, you will both be fully informed. This allows for consensual kink to be able to take place.

The other point here is the majority of submissives are intelligent, empowered, strong, individuals who able to hold down a job, run a household, run a family, etc, etc, to think that they cannot vocalise their own desires if they so wished in a healthy relationship is doing them a disservice. 

 

 

 

[Carnelian2]

19 hours ago, Perpetually-Evolving said:

I've noticed that many men labeling themselves as Doms either are not at all dominant or believe they are simply because they like control, which does not make someone a Dom. Again, just one reason I wrote my article.

And yes, we are all different with unique appetites. I'm not disagreeing with that. I would encourage you read my article again.  I think you will discover our thoughts are in agreement.

I did read your article again, and yes, we are largely in agreement. It may be worthwhile differentiating between the type of D/s relationship you are talking about. Some men are happy to be Dominant in the bedroom, but do not want the responsibility of a 24/7 relationship, whilst other want just that. Then again, some are happy to have the awareness that the relationship is based on a D/s dynamic without living it 24/7. 

Take myself, I would not label myself Dom, maybe Rope-Top, maybe submissive in some relationships or even Switch. That really depends on the person and the dynamic we establish. All of it takes communication and dialogue; a lot of it. 

In terms of labels, I have assigned plenty to myself and found that very few, if any, applies.

[Perpetually-Evolving]

On 8/13/2020 at 6:20 PM, Cade said:

For assessing the type of dominance, these questions seem adequate; however, I don't think any set of questions can definitively decide if someone is or isn't dominant, nor should there be, in a culture of acceptance in regards to diversity and individuality. As pointed out, everyone is different, and by extension, every dynamic is different. These questions seem worded in such a way to reflect what *you* believe a d/s dynamic should be, which is completely correct from your experience/understanding/idealism, but may not reflect other's experience/understanding/idealism. Likewise, much like the flaw of the very popular BDSM test we see on so many profiles, the questions are phrased in a direct manner, making it easy to respond in a way to get a desired outcome, and as such, easily manipulated. That's not even considering personal interpretation, education level, "fantasy over reality" thinking (among many other factors) are going to naturally askew the responses; additionally, you are going to apply your biases regarding those responses, naturally based on your experience/understanding/idealism.

Respectfully, I disagree that the submissive is the "authority figure" of the dynamic, but I do think these are excellent questions for assessing dominants that may or may not work for your preferred relationship type. Kudos!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article and share your opinion.  The exchange of individual perspectives is why I’m here.

 

I probably should have been more specific to state that what I write most often is gathered from my observations and my opinion of course. I may mention academic content with statistical data but I know even this is subjective.

 

 The bullet points are merely areas of interest I discovered while reading profiles of men who described themselves Doms.  Most had a common thread in their description that could be found in the dictionary as a traditional concept. However, I have spoken with many who have a completely different view point of what is traditionally “labeled” as D/s relationships. So…what is and what isn’t a D/s relationship?  Ultimately, I’m not sure that can be answered definitively nor can anything with a label.     .  Everyone’s perception of anything, is hypothetical in theory. Wouldn't you agree?   

Edited August 15, 2020 by Perpetually-Evolving
omitted a sentence

[lo****]

There are many words you can take from your questions . Trust, respect, communication, acknowledgement, are key..
As a Dom I’m an amateur I know this, but with the guidelines of what people think a sub/Dom relationship is, it’s a learning curve that mainly both parties are on together... but isn’t that the point? We learn new things all our lives.. some come easy and others we study hard but benefit from research and hard work.. that’s how I see being a dominant man hopefully as I learn more I’ll get better at the dynamic.

[Perpetually-Evolving]

4 hours ago, londonX99 said:

There are many words you can take from your questions . Trust, respect, communication, acknowledgement, are key..
As a Dom I’m an amateur I know this, but with the guidelines of what people think a sub/Dom relationship is, it’s a learning curve that mainly both parties are on together... but isn’t that the point? We learn new things all our lives.. some come easy and others we study hard but benefit from research and hard work.. that’s how I see being a dominant man hopefully as I learn more I’ll get better at the dynamic.

Kudos!!  Yes. Obviously there must be an initial paradigm.  But, as you've stated, we should evolve from there, learning from our experiences. That takes us to new territory and new perceptions so.....this is why I have an adverse opinion toward labels that establish and then confine some people to believe that's all there is to the identity.  We observe, study, analyze, and mold into what we need and desire for our own benefit/pleasure.  So a label should not be seen as one-size-fits-all.  Sadly, too many people are trapped in concepts of what our society legislates, accepting "their" definitions.

 

Just as life changes, our perceptions "should" change but for many they do not.  We are sexual beings. It is our innate nature to bind ourselves to our sexuality but that's not what most people do. It's ignorance due to our lack of education and sheer complacency.

 

I can see you and I are kindred spirits We both look forward to seeking out new experiences, going beyond the perimeters our experience has shown us thus far.  

 

If 2 people are seriously bound to the experience of D/s and establishing trust and affection, shouldn't they want to expand those sentiments and the excitement the circumstance give to them?

[Deleted Member]

A lot of women simply identify as sub as "the natural way of things", so being dom for a lot of guys is just the most expedient dating strategy. I think you'd be surprised how many of them are secretly switch or don't see dom as being a character defining "identity" per se.

I mean, compare the effectiveness of being a man with a sturdy salary; strong physical male traits like muscularity, beard & dick size; being effective at taking charge in the bedroom and always making a point to pay for the dinner date. Compare that to, "I'd like to be fucked in the ass by a strap-on, mistress" and then consider which of the two guys most women would probably want to date.

Edited August 16, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Perpetually-Evolving]

25 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

A lot of women simply identify as sub as "the natural way of things", so being dom for a lot of guys is just the most expedient dating strategy. I think you'd be surprised how many of them are secretly switch or don't see dom as being a character defining "identity" per se.

I mean, compare the effectiveness of being a man with a sturdy salary; strong physical male traits like muscularity, beard & dick size; being effective at taking charge in the bedroom and always making a point to pay for the dinner date. Compare that to, "I'd like to be fucked in the ass by a strap-on, mistress" and then consider which of the two guys most women would probably want to date.

OMG.  I love that quote!  And yes, I believe you are correct.  Our DNA plays a huge part in this structure. Referring to our Neanderthal ancestors men were dominant for a reason.  They were the hunters and providers with an innate urgency to procreate.  

Sadly, here in the Midwest, it's seems to be a novelty for men to exercise any measure of dominant behavior. There are many reasons for that but, that's another story.

My ex=husband was 100% submissive but at the time we met I was seeking out the safety and comfort of a man that appeared non-threatening. I'd been in an abusive relationship and needed someone non-combative. Of course my alpha female quickly discovered this was not to be a conducive relationship until after we were married.

Personally, I see someone being a switch as healthy in the grand scheme of sexual relationships.  I don't like the confinement of being in a structured role. But, I will  say I'm probably 98% submissive.  Depending on my mood and the circumstance, I do occasionally enjoy embracing my aggressive nature in the bedroom.  I use that as more of a taunt than expressing a leadership role.

 

 

[ol****]

I have had a few D/s relationships over the years. Every one has been different. The first comment that resonates is the tools in toolbag one. This is probably true for most Doms. You use the right technique to get the desired result, that's unique to the couple and their shared wants and needs. Second thing to say is this is a nice checklist. If you can't tick most of the boxes then Dom might not be the right label.

[Deleted Member]

BlushingFlush, very interesting reflection! For someone like me who has very little experience of Dom/Sub Universe, this post is a very good input as it shads some light into complexity of the dynamic Dom/Sub. Mind blowing the idea that the Dom is the one that "giving up" their pleasure to attend to the needs for pleasure of their Sub.

[Deleted Member]

August 16, 2020, Perpetually-Evolving said:

OMG.  I love that quote!  And yes, I believe you are correct.  Our DNA plays a huge part in this structure. Referring to our Neanderthal ancestors men were dominant for a reason.  They were the hunters and providers with an innate urgency to procreate.  

Sadly, here in the Midwest, it's seems to be a novelty for men to exercise any measure of dominant behavior. There are many reasons for that but, that's another story.

My ex=husband was 100% submissive but at the time we met I was seeking out the safety and comfort of a man that appeared non-threatening. I'd been in an abusive relationship and needed someone non-combative. Of course my alpha female quickly discovered this was not to be a conducive relationship until after we were married.

Personally, I see someone being a switch as healthy in the grand scheme of sexual relationships.  I don't like the confinement of being in a structured role. But, I will  say I'm probably 98% submissive.  Depending on my mood and the circumstance, I do occasionally enjoy embracing my aggressive nature in the bedroom.  I use that as more of a taunt than expressing a leadership role.

 

 

I think that more than our DNA, is the environment, the society we live in, that shapes "the natural way of things". Another factor, closer to the DNA, might be epigenetics.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, gatopardo said:

BlushingFlush, very interesting reflection! For someone like me who has very little experience of Dom/Sub Universe, this post is a very good input as it shads some light into complexity of the dynamic Dom/Sub. Mind blowing the idea that the Dom is the one that "giving up" their pleasure to attend to the needs for pleasure of their Sub.

*Perpetually-Evolving

[Phoenyx]

When it really comes down to it, the best Dom characteristics come from between the ears, not from between the legs.