How important is non-monogamy?

[Deleted Member]

I’m a bit divided about this and would value advice. I was monogamous by default almost for my entire life. 18 months ago, I started down the kinky road and played with a number of men. Mostly more than one at a time. It just happened that way, I was open and ethical about it. I loved it. I am not poly, but I’m not sexually monogamous.
I’ve met someone whom I think I can have a romantic relationship with and he feels the same. I said at the start I was non-mono, and he accepted that. Now, I just feel like it’s the elephant in the room. And I’m reasonably sure he’s not comfortable with me sleeping with other men. More than that, I think it would hurt him if I even wanted to.

I’m not planning on being with anyone else whilst COVID is still a concern. And my energy & desire is taken up with him. But I know myself enough that it will come up in the future. It’s unsettling me. I feel that I am being selfish as it’s just sex/kink and I should not be greedy. But it is a need I ignored and suppressed for decades. I think it’s still there. Thoughts?

[ey****]

I think ultimately, if you end up surpressing part of yourself you end up being unhappy and potentially resentful

This doesn't mean things won't work - but - a discussion on whether your partner can be happy with your non-mono desires/wants/aspects

[Koby]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I feel that I am being selfish as it’s just sex/kink and I should not be greedy. But it is a need I ignored and suppressed for decades. I think it’s still there. Thoughts?

You should feel bad IF you did not mention your needs at the  beginning. You did, so don't feel bad.

Relationship are a negotiation, you have been up front and honest about your needs. Now you are trying to merge your needs with someone else.

You are asking a very important question...should I sacrifice my needs for someone else?

Personally, I am prepared to sacrifice some things but when it comes to my relationship desires...I am very much single minded not because I am selfish but I know this road I am going down leads to unhappiness and a missing need, which may rear its head again in years to come.

Also, for me poly relationships are about connection than simply two bodies gyrating in harmony.

I am sure you can work things out with the other person. I would suggest a gradual integration of the poly element of your relationship.

[Deleted Member]

36 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think ultimately, if you end up surpressing part of yourself you end up being unhappy and potentially resentful

This doesn't mean things won't work - but - a discussion on whether your partner can be happy with your non-mono desires/wants/aspects

I guess I have thought this, but he meets my needs in nearly every other way - I guess I am still new enough that being non-monogamous makes me feel greedy, shallow and selfish. It feels like something I should easily give up for the chance of love.

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, Koby said:

You should feel bad IF you did not mention your needs at the  beginning. You did, so don't feel bad.

Relationship are a negotiation, you have been up front and honest about your needs. Now you are trying to merge your needs with someone else.

You are asking a very important question...should I sacrifice my needs for someone else?

Personally, I am prepared to sacrifice some things but when it comes to my relationship desires...I am very much single minded not because I am selfish but I know this road I am going down leads to unhappiness and a missing need, which may rear its head again in years to come.

Also, for me poly relationships are about connection than simply two bodies gyrating in harmony.

I am sure you can work things out with the other person. I would suggest a gradual integration of the poly element of your relationship.

I am finding it hard to put my needs as a priority in any event although I did come to realise I couldn’t be without kink. I’m not poly. Just non-monogamous. I want ideally to continue to have sexual relationships with a few others with whom I have a strong connection. I’m not interested in sex with random men. I just don’t know if I could return to being sexually monogamous but I *** my paramour sees that as he isn’t enough for me.

[Jinxy]

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to comment and say thank you for posting this. You’ve mentioned many of the feelings I’ve been trying to sort through. I’ve been turning this over and over in my mind since we had that munch about poly and ethical non monogamy about a month or so ago. So many things about that lifestyle appeal to me and seem to fit. I just struggle with what you talked about, where even being honest and upfront from the beginning, I don’t know how to make it work long term... logistically, emotionally, etc. 

 

Can I ask, how did he respond when you mentioned it initially?

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Curvykate said:

 I feel that I am being selfish as it’s just sex/kink and I should not be greedy. But it is a need I ignored and suppressed for decades. I think it’s still there. Thoughts?

Hi Kate.

As you know I like you  have spent a lifetime trying to please others and living a lie. No you are far from being selfish for finally wanting what makes you happy, your needs and wants are as important as anyone else's and you made it clear from the start this was what you are now so again how can it be selfish? Terms and agreements of course can change as a relationship evolves and for me to keep an open mind to those possibilities is important BUT what makes you happy?? The way you talk it's as if your considering taking a backwards step yet we both know where that could possibly lead, sadness. However for me in the right situation with the right person I think anything is possible, all depends really on how strongly you feel for the other and what you are willing to sacrifice. The fabled "soul mate?" I would be prepared to discuss almost any possibility but it does sound like you two need to talk. The elephant in the room will not help especially further down the line when your invested even more than you are now, better to clarify and be sure about the direction you are moving in right now, rather than later when feelings can be damaged even more. Sometimes we have to confront uncomfortable truths, even when we know the outcome may not be the one we want. It avoids the backwards step I mentioned and with that deeper heartache.

Edited August 16, 2020 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Koby said:

 I would suggest a gradual integration of the poly element of your relationship.

Totally agree with all you say apart from this. If unease is felt now it won't go away, if anything not confronting the issue directly right now, for me will only lead to even more heartache when more is invested in the relationship. Better to grab the bull by the horns, confront the issue, communicate honestly with each other and see which path that points too.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Jinxy said:

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to comment and say thank you for posting this. You’ve mentioned many of the feelings I’ve been trying to sort through. I’ve been turning this over and over in my mind since we had that munch about poly and ethical non monogamy about a month or so ago. So many things about that lifestyle appeal to me and seem to fit. I just struggle with what you talked about, where even being honest and upfront from the beginning, I don’t know how to make it work long term... logistically, emotionally, etc. 

 

Can I ask, how did he respond when you mentioned it initially?

Thank you Jinxy, I know we have talked about this since the munch. He said he understood and didn’t want to change me. But he’s new to kink, so he’s got a lot to figure out. And last night I started thinking about what would be ideal for me. What I’m looking for to meet my needs. And what I can compromise on.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

Hi Kate.

As you know I like you  have spent a lifetime trying to please others and living a lie. No you are far from being selfish for finally wanting what makes you happy, your needs and wants are as important as anyone else's and you made it clear from the start this was what you are now so again how can it be selfish? Terms and agreements of course can change as a relationship evolves and for me to keep an open mind to those possibilities is important BUT what makes you happy?? The way you talk it's as if your considering taking a backwards step yet we both know where that could possibly lead, sadness. However for me in the right situation with the right person I think anything is possible, all depends really on how strongly you feel for the other and what you are willing to sacrifice. The fabled "soul mate?" I would be prepared to discuss almost any possibility but it does sound like you two need to talk. The elephant in the room will not help especially further down the line when your invested even more than you are now, better to clarify and be sure about the direction you are moving in right now, rather than later when feelings can be damaged even more. Sometimes we have to confront uncomfortable truths, even when we know the outcome may not be the one we want. It avoids the backwards step I mentioned and with that deeper heartache.

I hope we can work it out. Come to a compromise that means all of our needs are met. I will compromise because he’s worth it, but there are some things I can’t give up. I know how much kink and freedom mean to me now.

[Wo****]

@Curvykate

I'd had no real experience of being poly until I met Pirate. I had niggles, concerns, jealousies, moments of uncertainty but it worked. I now know that I am most definitely poly.

Your partner says he understands, doesn't wanna change you so don't change!

You know what you need, what you want and what you'll compromise on. He understands and loves you as you are, you have the potential for a solid relationship.

 

I now live in a self contained flat in the garden of VoyagerX, my ex and due to fate, luck, universe, whatever now my "partner" and we are both poly. I'm still free, still have my own space and life.

It can work Kate. Just carry on doing what you're doing. Thinking, talking, feeling x

Edited August 16, 2020 by Bounty
Typo

[gr****]

I think it's very important, my wife was a very sexual woman and I don't care how much you love a person, you will get urges to have sex with others. We were married over 20 years and never argued about sex. Once I let her be with other men she was immediately happier, she enjoyed sex with a good friend and neighbor who was also our coke dealer. And it wasn't a threesome thing, I let the two of them have fun and enjoy a few lines and watch TV. In this case I trusted our friend implicitly and I don't get turned on by watching, I only was concerned for her safety. She and I were never jealous people and that is very important, to us sex was just a bodily function and had nothing to do with love. If you can handle that and you love your spouse then give it a try, it worked for us. Thank you for bringing up this topic.

[Deleted Member]

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, grider69 said:

I think it's very important, my wife was a very sexual woman and I don't care how much you love a person, you will get urges to have sex with others. We were married over 20 years and never argued about sex. Once I let her be with other men she was immediately happier, she enjoyed sex with a good friend and neighbor who was also our coke dealer. And it wasn't a threesome thing, I let the two of them have fun and enjoy a few lines and watch TV. In this case I trusted our friend implicitly and I don't get turned on by watching, I only was concerned for her safety. She and I were never jealous people and that is very important, to us sex was just a bodily function and had nothing to do with love. If you can handle that and you love your spouse then give it a try, it worked for us. Thank you for bringing up this topic.

I can handle it and I don’t get jealous, but he’s different - we will just have to see if/how it works. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Cassafrass]

I wouldn't recommend staying with a partner if they are trying to tolerate that part of you. I was in a 10yr relationship and he tried to be ok with non-monogomy knowing whom I was with and trusting that person... but ultimately it made trust issues between us and we didn't recover. Be cautious if you feel he can't accept it, however this is just my experience.

[De****]

He says that he accepts non-mono...and also it feels like the elephants in the room. I think this is something you need to talk about together. If he’s apprehensive about non-mono then he should be free to voice those feelings, without expectation that you will do anything to accommodate them.

But without that kind of communication, non-mono is going to be a very difficult road for both of you.

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 07:19 PM, Cassafrass said:

I wouldn't recommend staying with a partner if they are trying to tolerate that part of you. I was in a 10yr relationship and he tried to be ok with non-monogomy knowing whom I was with and trusting that person... but ultimately it made trust issues between us and we didn't recover. Be cautious if you feel he can't accept it, however this is just my experience.

He’s a new partner and also quite new to kink. I think I should give him the chance to figure out how he’s feeling about it all. Just as I had the chance to. Non-monogamy can take an enormous amount of thought if it’s not something you’ve ever considered.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, DeepHeartsCore428 said:

He says that he accepts non-mono...and also it feels like the elephants in the room. I think this is something you need to talk about together. If he’s apprehensive about non-mono then he should be free to voice those feelings, without expectation that you will do anything to accommodate them.

But without that kind of communication, non-mono is going to be a very difficult road for both of you.

He accepts me and who I am. He’s just new to it all and I think it’s too much for him right now. We communicate very well and openly. But it is entirely theoretical for at least the rest of the year. I won’t risk being with another sexually until it’s safer. Hopefully that gives him a chance to think about it and we can discuss how it might work.

[De****]

16 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

He accepts me and who I am. He’s just new to it all and I think it’s too much for him right now. We communicate very well and openly. But it is entirely theoretical for at least the rest of the year. I won’t risk being with another sexually until it’s safer. Hopefully that gives him a chance to think about it and we can discuss how it might work.

That sounds like a great place to start! I personally benefited from reading The Ethical Slut, as it gave me the basic framework with which to face non-monogamy. I’m still learning and developing those skills as I explore kink.

Once I realized that I was ALSO free to pursue my own desires outside of my partner - even though I’m not polyam - that’s when things began to emotionally settle for me. Just an anecdote.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, DeepHeartsCore428 said:

That sounds like a great place to start! I personally benefited from reading The Ethical Slut, as it gave me the basic framework with which to face non-monogamy. I’m still learning and developing those skills as I explore kink.

Once I realized that I was ALSO free to pursue my own desires outside of my partner - even though I’m not polyam - that’s when things began to emotionally settle for me. Just an anecdote.

I hope it’s a good omen. I just don’t know if I could stick monogamy again. I have heard of that one a lot and also Opening Up. I’ve read a fair bit, although actually maybe I should point him to those. He’s quite happy I’m a slut! 🤗

[De****]

11 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I hope it’s a good omen. I just don’t know if I could stick monogamy again. I have heard of that one a lot and also Opening Up. I’ve read a fair bit, although actually maybe I should point him to those. He’s quite happy I’m a slut! 🤗

That’s the best part, is that HE can be a happy slut too! Sure, he might be mono, but maybe he has interests and desires that don’t involve you either?

Me, I desire a clean house. Usually that means actively taking time AWAY from my spouse to make it happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her, or that I’m going to leave her so I can have a clean house by myself. It just means I have meaningful facets of my life that don’t involve her.

[an****]

Good lord DeepHearts, so very well put!!!!!