🏛 The Four Pillars 🏛

[Deleted Member]

How do we educate new.... or even old members of the community? After all, we are so diverse in our wants, needs, desires and requirements. Where would one start with such a mammoth task? Do you begin with the basics then delve further or is it a case of jumping in at the deep end and hoping for the best... there’s a concept within BDSM named, The Four Pillars and for this entry that’s where I’ll begin. 

 

The Four Pillars can be searched online and numerous results offered. The first response I came across was “Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism are the main pillars of BDSM. There are many misconceptions surrounding the BDSM lifestyle, as well as controversy. Words such as dominant, submissive, switch, *** slut, bondage and ball gag are just a few common terms associated with BDSM.” For me, this search result was extremely disappointing and I would *** for any participant within the community that simply ceased their search for knowledge here! 

 

Being me and constantly on the search for more knowledge I naturally kept looking for answers. This lead me to a book written by LT Morris named ‘Devil in the details”, during the trilogy LT Morris claimed the four pillars of BDSM were Intimacy, Affection, Communication/Honesty and finally Sex. My first thoughts were that surely these were the foundations to all intimate relationships and thus not unique to our little ‘corrupt’ world. However after more thorough reflection I began to think about the people of the community who’s kinks aren’t sexual... does this theory of The Four Pillars mean they are missing a quarter of their foundations?! I found this to be very unfair and not inclusive. Yes I agree with his theory and believe the aspects he highlighted to be very important but I knew there was more. Another antidote he offered was that, these pillars must be continually inspected and rein***d by the participants if a relationship is to prosper. Again, on a whole I agree but I also feel that the pillar referencing sex wasn’t conducive to the community as a whole entity thus misrepresentative. 

 

Armed with more insight, I searched on. 

 

This search lead me to the findings of the Old Guard. These old boys (and girls) seen the pillars as Trust, Respect, Honesty and Communication. All foundations which I believe are essential for a successful dynamic and/or relationship. These four corners left no one out, there were no grey areas which could be misinterpreted and they offered simplicity in their approach. Another aspect which the old guard upheld was Protocol, with that and the clear pillars to consider it lends itself to a transparent understanding of where to begin in building something long lasting to stand the test of time. 

 

A wise man once said, “you are free to make your own choices but you are not free from the consequences of your choice” 

 

I guess my question to you is, if you don’t choose to uphold The Four Pillars, can you expect strong foundations within your dynamic? Either way, what would the consequences be??

💗

Edited September 2, 2020 by Deleted Member
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[Deleted Member]

I’ve not thought precisely about the 4 pillars when entering a dynamic but I would have pointed to the final ones you listed as those I consider most people in BDSM to be referring to. Personally I relate more to LT Morris’s pillars. All the dynamics I have had have been sexual, but I understand that for others sex isn’t necessarily part of BDSM.
Not sure that many of us approach a new dynamic or relationship in such a way - upholding pillars? We are often blinded by need or love or both. Sometimes when leaving a relationship or dynamic, it’s easier to look back and see what didn’t work, what foundation was missing. And going forward to be more aware of what communication may matter most for you, or how affection could be expressed to be meaningful.

[Deleted Member]

Being well read, talking with others, listening, reflecting, discussing in an open minded way gives further clarity, greater appreciation of what others seek, and respecting their take on what they seek develops understanding. Building walls, seem to be some people's way of dealing with education, keeping constraints on people's perceived roles of themselves and others, rather than building bridges which offer give and take, acceptance and rejection, in polite, mature conversations, which eventually lead to a consensus of opinion. There is no right answer in how to educate. Different individuals respond differently to different styles, and some may never want to understand, being free to "do their own thing". But you say that this community is bdsm based. It's basis is fetish and therefore spreads much further than a bdsm umbrella, I would have thought.

[ol****]

"Trust, Respect, Honesty and Communication". That just about sums it up for me.

None of these things are actually to do with our "corrupt" approach. Clearly we're hear becasue we express ourselves differently, particularly sexually, but the foundations of a relationship are the same.

[Carnelian2]

I like the reference to "Trust, Respect, Honesty and Communication" - not that these are particularly confined to our World. Every relationship should have it but I agree that it is much more important when someone entrusts their body and wellbeing to another as part of a scene or on-going relationship. Both ways.

I have a philosophical issue with the notion of "educating others", as this implies a) superiority and b) that others needs to be taught. maybe they don't? 

I much prefer providing others with the will and interest to learn and then grow together. We can always learn from others, regardless of experience, age, take your pick.

[Th****]

4 hours ago, little_dark_princess said:

This search lead me to the findings of the Old Guard. These old boys (and girls) seen the pillars as Trust, Respect, Honesty and Communication. All foundations which I believe are essential for a successful dynamic and/or relationship. These four corners left no one out, there were no grey areas which could be misinterpreted and they offered simplicity in their approach.

The most interesting of these to me is respect. The others are just as important, naturally.

Respect I feel here is a two-way thing, if a submissive is respected then a Dominant would need to gain their consent before assuming any move forward in the relationship.

Respect is something that is a bedrock and builds trust, and honest communication allows for ongoing growth.

I strongly feel that using Respect instead of Consent here is inclusive to all of our communities CNC players as well.

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, Thebian said:

I strongly feel that using Respect instead of Consent here is inclusive to all of our communities CNC players as well.

I had begun  to ramble about RACK, CNC, PRICK & SCC but I’m acing that 😂

[Carnelian2]

34 minutes ago, little_dark_princess said:

I had begun  to ramble about RACK, CNC, PRICK & SCC but I’m acing that 😂

I try to do my best and let others worry about the Acronyms :-) - Four Pillars is good enough for me

[Deleted Member]

^saving 

[an****]

You cannot expect a sting relationship whithin the bdsm dynamic. It won’t last without strong tenfold event of all 4. You can add one or two things but the 4 are essential. The consequences usually lead to a parting of ways or I think watered down or meaningless dynamic. Whiteout the 4 you’re just playing bdsm house so to speak. Just my opinion. Thanks for the topic and insight ldp.

[Deleted Member]

On 9/2/2020 at 9:36 AM, little_dark_princess said:

if you don’t choose to uphold The Four Pillars, can you expect strong foundations within your dynamic

There are no real recipe, book, secret method. I have been 8 years with real live dynamics. Different approaches with most newbies, I couldn’t give a timing on each ones because life throw things in the middle of it. 
I think it’s more about how you approach the bdsm scene and your attitude towards it. What kind of dynamics you are looking for, what type a D or s you are. Most of all is the type of compatibility you are and at which level. For some sub I had, I felt like she was my soul mate more than others but it last less. 
I think being too serious about it and overthinking with time making less appealing and you are more likely to crash harder. 
like in the movie Tokyo decadence quote stop taking yourself so seriously....

[Wo****]

15 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

There are no real recipe, book, secret method. I have been 8 years with real live dynamics. Different approaches with most newbies, I couldn’t give a timing on each ones because life throw things in the middle of it. 
I think it’s more about how you approach the bdsm scene and your attitude towards it. What kind of dynamics you are looking for, what type a D or s you are. Most of all is the type of compatibility you are and at which level. For some sub I had, I felt like she was my soul mate more than others but it last less. 
I think being too serious about it and overthinking with time making less appealing and you are more likely to crash harder. 
like in the movie Tokyo decadence quote stop taking yourself so seriously....

I gotta disagree with this Mr Severus....

I don't think a bdsm based relationship should be taken lightly. Isn't it something we should be serious about?

Sure, they may not last but I disagree that you can be too serious. LazyPirate and I took things seriously, to the point we agreed our dynamic had changed. In the vanilla world we would have probably split up... we haven't, just redefined our relationship.

 

Bdsm can be casual but not sure it should ever be not thought through.

[ol****]

Every relationship is different, kink or vanilla.

What works for one may not work for another.

For me there has to be a basis of mutal respect and trust that needs to be built up. 

Longevity is a different question. I've had very brief relationships that have had a long period of building up to it. One in particular was intense and I still have a clear memory of it today such was the impact on me.

I can recall having casual sex but not a casual BDSM encounter.

[Carnelian2]

1 minute ago, oldfellow said:

I can recall having casual sex but not a casual BDSM encounter.

That is so true. Spot on!

[Wo****]

11 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

That is so true. Spot on!

I have.

Only one tbf.

 

I think I meant more that it might not be a full on "relationship" like when I met Fredddy. It was a one off. We'd discussed a particular scene we wanted to do. It wasn't a relationship, it was an act. My point is I took it seriously. In fact I chose not to continue things with Fredddy because he didn't take it all seriously. Dismissed my limits and triggers. Didn't want the "drama" just no responsibility and fun.

 

Fredddy made the mistake of belittling a limit of mine, told me my trigger wasnt, shouldn't be a trigger. I take this lifestyle seriously so I said no more.

[Carnelian2]

@BountyI can relate to what you are saying. Limits are personal and what can be a hard limit for one person may be negligible for another. We absolutely have to respect those, regardless of the type of relationship. After all, we never know if the relationship turns out as intended ..

[Wo****]

@Carnelian2 

We were chatting, he mentioned something that was a trigger for me, regarding medical play. He mentioned sounding.. I called red. Told him sounding wasn't something I wanted to talk about as for me it's too closely linked to medical play (A hard limit for me due to trauma) he insisted that sounding wasn't a trigger....

I get that, for him, there's no connection but that doesn't give him the right to tell me to stop being a "snowflake" and that if I need "a therapist" I shouldn't be playing.

[Carnelian2]

@BountyIt is quite clear that no means no. I walked out on somebody last year as she used abusive language, which is a no-no for me due to previous experience.

I was actually surprised at my reaction but we always learn.

[Deleted Member]

I wrote “too seriously “and of course didn’t imply the sessions. I am talking about the academic style search for the bdsm grail. 
Of course during a session a Dom has to be serious or at least focused on the safety and health of his sub. I wasn’t referring to the obvious like care, trust etc 
some subs like the occasional fun and this is covered under the bdsm umbrella, if they find a Dom they can trust why not? 

3 types of possibility

there are people who got The reason to get into it and most of them are selfish so they won’t last long. 

then the ones who try for few month then leave it for a break, intermittence and unreliable for a long term but durability acceptable. 

Then you meet maybe once in a while the perfect match and this is the last long term relationship. You have the same kink wave, communicate lots, finish other phrases or comment, laugh a lots etc... 
Its about luck and persistence, there is always someone for you out there at the right moment. But be aware of the uncontrollable variable... Covid was one 

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, FabSeverus said:

Then you meet maybe once in a while the perfect match and this is the last long term relationship. You have the same kink wave, communicate lots, finish other phrases or comment, laugh a lots etc... 

Its about luck and persistence, there is always someone for you out there at the right moment. But be aware of the uncontrollable variable... Covid was one 

But that can be said about any relationship, though. "Why do I always find things the last place, I look?" .. sometimes, we just need patience and need to look a bit longer.

ok, I know that - BUT, my patience does not always :-)

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

But that can be said about any relationship, though.

Of course, the only difference is about the consent to have some really extreme physical play and the toys involved into it 😈
The initial concept is the same: communication, connection, meet up, agreement, contract.