Advice on opening up about kinks?

[DollieUK]

I mentioned this is a seperate thread and someone recommended I start a new topic.

I said;

”What advice do you recommend for opening up about your fetishes or kinks?

 

I’ve been single for 2 years; my last relationship ended because I opened up about my kinks and so has any previous ones. Despite those relationships being great and going well until I opened my mouth due to it killing me to keep it quiet. 

It’s gotten to the point where I think I’m destined to never find someone who shares the same interests.

I can’t spend my life keeping these kinks a secret. It’s depressing.”

 

with that said, I surely can’t be the only person that is finding it extremely difficult to keep a relationship intact whilst also being honest?

[typhoon2]

If kink is that important to you then broach the subject very early on and if they don't like the idea you can move on swiftly. Mentioning it outright on dating sites filters out intolerant or disinterested people from the outset. If you never get dates as a result then that would be time to re-evaluate the importance to you of your kinks.

[Deleted Member]

It is difficult, I've been in the same place and did the same as you. But you need to live for yourself not a relationship, otherwise you will never be happy. Your kink is a set part of you and will always be there. Trying to hide it or deny it is just as much as a problem and will make you just as unhappy

[DollieUK]

1 hour ago, typhoon2 said:

If kink is that important to you then broach the subject very early on and if they don't like the idea you can move on swiftly. Mentioning it outright on dating sites filters out intolerant or disinterested people from the outset. If you never get dates as a result then that would be time to re-evaluate the importance to you of your kinks.

I appreciate that advice.

This past year I’ve been open about it from the get go, not in a bullish way, but I make sure to mention my kinks so they’re aware.

 

With this approach I seem to not get past the brief chat stage, as so it seems, a majority of people around my age are submissive themselves; seeking a Dominant partner, or are vanilla.

[DollieUK]

37 minutes ago, Chiana said:

It is difficult, I've been in the same place and did the same as you. But you need to live for yourself not a relationship, otherwise you will never be happy. Your kink is a set part of you and will always be there. Trying to hide it or deny it is just as much as a problem and will make you just as unhappy

I understand your viewpoint and appreciate it.

It’s very important to me, but at the same time is it too much to wish that there was someone willing to share that journey with me? 

I’ve kept my kink side quiet for almost forever and it does make you feel extremely lonely and the rejection doesn’t help soothe that feeling that I’m some sort of alien or freak.

[ey****]

I feel I've been somewhat lucky.

Different kinks are more important to different people - so, for me, I don't know if I could do a long term relationship without foot fetish, but I've certainly done relationships without other stuff

-

The kinda problem of course is finding partners *in general* is difficult.  I think that looking within kink and fetish circles can boost your chances or, at least, make it easier to talk about your fetishes/kinks/interests openly.

Obviously of course munches and the likes are off for the foreseeable future which makes it a little harder to socialise. 

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think you’re expecting too much at all, but it may take longer. If you’re interested in non-monogamy, could you get what you need from more than one person? Have you spent any time on sites that are more kink-friendly like Ok Cupid?

[Th****]

There has been some great advice so far and I am probably going to suggest more of the same.

 

Honestly, I gave up trying to have an average relationship and then trying to get that other person to embrace my weirdness. It is doing things the wrong way around.

For me it was only sensible to establish relationships with other kinksters. They already know the range of choices out there and before anything gets to in depth they can either say "Okay cool." or "Errr... No thanks." 

It always seemed far more sensible, and if there is one thing about the community we are a pretty darn accepting bunch. I find any group of people who approach each other with "If you can accept my kinks I can accept yours" attitude are on the whole a far more inclusive group.

I guess the take away here for me is not to expect the Vanilla to morph into a Fruit Explosion , whether dealing with people or yogurt.

Best to just go straight to the fruity yogurt section and talk to a kinkster, you never know their kinks may make you run a mile. 

Good Luck

[DollieUK]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I don’t think you’re expecting too much at all, but it may take longer. If you’re interested in non-monogamy, could you get what you need from more than one person? Have you spent any time on sites that are more kink-friendly like Ok Cupid?

I have had a OKC account for years however the people in my area are quite small, and now the way the new site works, it’s a mess. You can’t search for nearby people anymore and rely on a lottery swipe system.

I can take non-monogamy, I’m open to it, I’m not actively seeking it specifically but if my partner preferred it I’d be happy and willing.

[DollieUK]

1 hour ago, Thebian said:

There has been some great advice so far and I am probably going to suggest more of the same.

 

Honestly, I gave up trying to have an average relationship and then trying to get that other person to embrace my weirdness. It is doing things the wrong way around.

For me it was only sensible to establish relationships with other kinksters. They already know the range of choices out there and before anything gets to in depth they can either say "Okay cool." or "Errr... No thanks." 

It always seemed far more sensible, and if there is one thing about the community we are a pretty darn accepting bunch. I find any group of people who approach each other with "If you can accept my kinks I can accept yours" attitude are on the whole a far more inclusive group.

I guess the take away here for me is not to expect the Vanilla to morph into a Fruit Explosion , whether dealing with people or yogurt.

Best to just go straight to the fruity yogurt section and talk to a kinkster, you never know their kinks may make you run a mile. 

Good Luck

What sites would you suggest for kink-friendly dating, someone suggested Okc and I’m willing to still drop by on there often, even if the current style is made to milk customers of ***.

As for munches, I’d need a munch buddy as I don’t have the confidence anymore to attend a gathering like those especially alone.

[Deleted Member]

33 minutes ago, DollieUK said:

What sites would you suggest for kink-friendly dating, someone suggested Okc and I’m willing to still drop by on there often, even if the current style is made to milk customers of ***.

As for munches, I’d need a munch buddy as I don’t have the confidence anymore to attend a gathering like those especially alone.

I didn’t realise OKC had changed so much. I have spoken to some kinky men on Feeld and Bumble. I met my BF a few months ago on Pure but honestly wouldn’t recommend that app! Fetlife is where I previously met play partners. In terms of distance, have you considered looking further afield? Sometimes it’s felt like looking for a needle in a haystack so I did widen my search. Good luck!

[DollieUK]

7 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I didn’t realise OKC had changed so much. I have spoken to some kinky men on Feeld and Bumble. I met my BF a few months ago on Pure but honestly wouldn’t recommend that app! Fetlife is where I previously met play partners. In terms of distance, have you considered looking further afield? Sometimes it’s felt like looking for a needle in a haystack so I did widen my search. Good luck!

I live in the UK, a town called Warrington. It’s right between Manchester and Liverpool so I set my radius to around the farther edges of those 2 cities. Any larger and it would be difficult to see each other as I rely on trains.

 

edit; also OKc is a state right now 😅, it’s like an awful and broken Tinder knock off

Edited September 5, 2020 by DollieUK

[BaritoneSwitch]

This might seem a tad obvious, but make sure you're always keeping your ears ***led amongst your friends and acquaintances for any hints that they might be kinksters as well. If so, you can subtly spin the conversation in such a way that you can get more information. Even if they aren't single or the right role for you, they may very well be connected to your local BDSM scene which could probably help you find someone suitable for you. It sounds a little ridiculous but I managed to find my (admittedly infrequent) play partner that way, when I noticed she had a book on shibari in her bag.

It'll be a long and hard search I'm afraid, but if you seek out a new relationship on the basis of shared kinks and its a presence right from the beginning, hopefully that will set you up for long term success.

Best of luck friend!

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, DollieUK said:

I live in the UK, a town called Warrington. It’s right between Manchester and Liverpool so I set my radius to around the farther edges of those 2 cities. Any larger and it would be difficult to see each other as I rely on trains.

 

edit; also OKc is a state right now 😅, it’s like an awful and broken Tinder knock off

I’m in the UK too. I’m not able to see my partner often because of distance and other reasons, but it’s worth it. I did change my viewpoint on how far I might have to travel to find the right person. I guess I’m saying that there are already barriers in place finding someone who is right for you - distance doesn’t necessarily have to be another one. Things can change over time if the connection is there. I know there are others here and other sites I know who have conducted long-term and long-distance relationships successfully.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, DollieUK said:

I live in the UK, a town called Warrington. It’s right between Manchester and Liverpool so I set my radius to around the farther edges of those 2 cities. Any larger and it would be difficult to see each other as I rely on trains.

 

edit; also OKc is a state right now 😅, it’s like an awful and broken Tinder knock off

I have seen quite a change in dating apps since lockdown. More desperate people trying to hookup!

[Toots77]

Hi Dollie!

I think the advice given so far is on the nail! I genuinely think that you are best to meet someone on these sites, it's open and accepting from the start. I truly hope that you meet someone who loves you and embraces all your lovely weirdness! 🤗X

[ol****]

Not much to add, more of a summary.

You are more likely to find partners on a site like this as has been mentioned.

OK there are a lot of voyeurs here so expect some knockbacks, plus usual rules apply in that there needs to be some chemistry.

This site is generally no more free of social conventions (age, height etc) than any other so don't expect miracles.

Be prepared to travel. It's always worth it in the end. A little quality time with the "right" partner is worth more than anything.

Contribution ot the forum discussions is a great way to get to know people.

[DollieUK]

17 minutes ago, oldfellow said:

Not much to add, more of a summary.

You are more likely to find partners on a site like this as has been mentioned.

OK there are a lot of voyeurs here so expect some knockbacks, plus usual rules apply in that there needs to be some chemistry.

This site is generally no more free of social conventions (age, height etc) than any other so don't expect miracles.

Be prepared to travel. It's always worth it in the end. A little quality time with the "right" partner is worth more than anything.

Contribution ot the forum discussions is a great way to get to know people.

Thanks for your contribution. 

What websites (not dating apps) would you recommend from your experience? I’ve had Fetlife, which I’ve always gathered it to be more of a networking site as opposed to dating, OKc and some dating apps.

 

 

[DollieUK]

19 minutes ago, Toots77 said:

Hi Dollie!

I think the advice given so far is on the nail! I genuinely think that you are best to meet someone on these sites, it's open and accepting from the start. I truly hope that you meet someone who loves you and embraces all your lovely weirdness! 🤗X

Thank you ☺️

I hope so too. x

[ol****]

1 hour ago, DollieUK said:

Thanks for your contribution. 

What websites (not dating apps) would you recommend from your experience? I’ve had Fetlife, which I’ve always gathered it to be more of a networking site as opposed to dating, OKc and some dating apps.

 

 

Firstly most of the folks here think of this as a community. Possibly the best one. 

As to the best site, depends what you are looking for. Personally I don't have an up to date knowledge so can't comment.

[Th****]

8 hours ago, DollieUK said:

Thanks for your contribution. 

What websites (not dating apps) would you recommend from your experience? I’ve had Fetlife, which I’ve always gathered it to be more of a networking site as opposed to dating, OKc and some dating apps.

 

 

I am a Brit as well. Other end of the country but heh.

Right the whole which site thing is a bit of a false lead. You are posting currently on a site that allows its free members access to pretty much all of the features that paying members have. 

Once you get verified 18+ your good to go.

No hidden fees, and I agree most dating apps are there to financially milk you.

This site has gone to extremes to try and curtail bad behaviour, another plus for me.

Chat is active , friendly with active moderators. 

To cut a long story short..this is the best site I know... I am on Fetlife but I prefer Fetish.

It is horses for courses and I you have to see what fits you.

On the distance side.... Always , always take distance over close but crappy.

 

Stay safe.  

[DollieUK]

3 hours ago, Thebian said:

I am a Brit as well. Other end of the country but heh.

Right the whole which site thing is a bit of a false lead. You are posting currently on a site that allows its free members access to pretty much all of the features that paying members have. 

Once you get verified 18+ your good to go.

No hidden fees, and I agree most dating apps are there to financially milk you.

This site has gone to extremes to try and curtail bad behaviour, another plus for me.

Chat is active , friendly with active moderators. 

To cut a long story short..this is the best site I know... I am on Fetlife but I prefer Fetish.

It is horses for courses and I you have to see what fits you.

On the distance side.... Always , always take distance over close but crappy.

 

Stay safe.  

Thanks, that’s brief but quite informative.

When I get paid I’ll be sure to verify my age then.

I guess I’m new to the site so haven’t really had a real chance to explore it properly, it does seem active so far.

 

So Distance over Closeness. I have noticed that areas like Leeds, Scotland and London thrive on dating apps compared to where I am, so looking farther afield seems the way to go.

[DollieUK]

So update;

I’ve been using Feeld, and I’m speaking to a switch that I’m getting along with, so hopefully when this horrid Covid business stop messing with travel restrictions there’s hope.

 

Sadly this is also the only person fully switch, even when I select the whole country in distance, that isn’t a switch who is clearly stating that they want someone Dominant or a Couple, or a D-sided Switch for threesomes.

 

So a slight improvement compared to other apps but still selection is extremely limited.

 

[ol****]

Bound to be limited. I think vanilla has it over kink in percentage terms. 

Do you have an ad on here? 

[Deleted Member]

On 9/5/2020 at 12:34 PM, Thebian said:

There has been some great advice so far and I am probably going to suggest more of the same.

 

Honestly, I gave up trying to have an average relationship and then trying to get that other person to embrace my weirdness. It is doing things the wrong way around.

For me it was only sensible to establish relationships with other kinksters. They already know the range of choices out there and before anything gets to in depth they can either say "Okay cool." or "Errr... No thanks." 

It always seemed far more sensible, and if there is one thing about the community we are a pretty darn accepting bunch. I find any group of people who approach each other with "If you can accept my kinks I can accept yours" attitude are on the whole a far more inclusive group.

I guess the take away here for me is not to expect the Vanilla to morph into a Fruit Explosion , whether dealing with people or yogurt.

Best to just go straight to the fruity yogurt section and talk to a kinkster, you never know their kinks may make you run a mile. 

Good Luck

This! We'll said.