Lexiloo-6027 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 My husband after 10 years has told me he's unhappy with our sex life and that actually he's into dom/sub role play and he wants me to be submissive to him. I find myself a pretty dominant person and the idea of being submissive makes me feel really uncomfortable. He never shared this side with me before and I feel blindsighted and as if he wants me to be a totally different person that just does whatever he wants and agrees with him about everything. Since having kids I'm not as sexual as I used to be and I suffer with anxiety and now I've been thrown into a sexual world that I never wanted to be in and let someone else control me when I find myself mostly anxious when I'm out of control. I don't know how to deal with this. I want to try to make him happy, but the whole situation is making me miserable.
Deleted Member Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 You should read books and watch movies which have such topic. It is in the core of female essence to be submissive and it might help you release a lot of stress you might feel and gift you joy in being out of control. Just try to think openly about it. But he also needs to research it and approach it seriously.
Deleted Member Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 It is a whole different story if you are actually a dominant in sexual way, not just dominant in life.
ey**** Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 This isn't going to work. The situation is simple - this doesn't interest you so he has to decide what is more important - a sub or a wife and if the former, then it's over. I'm sure this is possibly hard for him also, but this is a reality he has to accept.
Tw**** Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 It doesn’t matter if he wants you to be a sub what you want has to come first also. Some people are sub some arnt it’s simple as that. You say you want to make him happy but being ***d to sub or pretend to be something your not isn’t going to make anyone happy. I think you may need to have a talk with him and say look this isn’t for me I am sorry but maybe the Domme role may suit you ? How does he feel about being a sub ? Put the same question to him. Be true to your self. Don’t be something your not. Sorry I can’t. Be more helpful. But remember your 1st goto is communication in any relationship be It D/s or other
Mo**** Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Lexiloo, I am at a bit of a loss here girl. First up, if your not into being submissive, then how is it you have come to Fetish? Were you kinky in any way before hubby brought all this up? Now this life revolves around open and honest communication, so what discussions have gone on between you both for this topic to be raised? For him to raise this without actually talking with you, it shows that he doesn't understand the need for communication, which also makes me think he has the wrong idea about this lifestyle. I would like to know some more information about your situation before offering any advice.
Ki**** Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 My advice would be to seek professional psychosexual counselling. I’m not sure this is something you can resolve without help as it’s a complex issue that needs really open and honest communication and a trained therapist can help you navigate what this means for you both. I’m surprised he’s waited 10 yrs to bring this up - that either means he’s been suppressing it for all that time (which would be a red flag for me) or that his desires are changing, maybe in response to wider dynamics in your relationship. I’m curious as to whether he’s explored with you what you would get out of this or whether he’s only considering what he wants too. There is always a middle ground to be found so don’t despair. It’s not simple as other people have suggested, but extremely complicated and fraught so be kind to yourself and patient. Keep talking it through and look to really understand each other’s point of view before making any decisions. I did find it interesting that you said he wants you to be a totally different person that agrees with him on everything - does he want you to be submissive outside of the bedroom as well as that’s a very different issue to being submissive during sex and I can see why it has blindsided you after ten years. And agreeing with everything a Dom says or wants isn’t what being submissive means. That implies you have to go along with whatever he wants whether you like it or not. That’s not okay, even as a submissive you have a say and I would suggest that because a submissive can safe word at any time they are the one with truly in control within the dynamic.
Kriss123 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Better do as he says.If he's unhappy... I'm joking..you know what to do..
Newtofetishdating Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 If you want to make him happy, then you should explore being submissive to satisfy his fetish. He must also accept that you also have a dominant side, and switch roles as well. It could be a very fun journey for you both.
Rene724 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 What kind of submissive behavior is he asking for?
Th**** Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 5 hours ago, Lexiloo said: My husband after 10 years has told me he's unhappy with our sex life and that actually he's into dom/sub role play and he wants me to be submissive to him. I find myself a pretty dominant person and the idea of being submissive makes me feel really uncomfortable. He never shared this side with me before and I feel blindsighted and as if he wants me to be a totally different person that just does whatever he wants and agrees with him about everything. Since having kids I'm not as sexual as I used to be and I suffer with anxiety and now I've been thrown into a sexual world that I never wanted to be in and let someone else control me when I find myself mostly anxious when I'm out of control. I don't know how to deal with this. I want to try to make him happy, but the whole situation is making me miserable. It is totally normal to feel blind sided in this situation. No warning and a decade of expectations overturned. You will need time to process this before you can decide how you feel deep down. You are probably pretty shocked right now. Okay let us look at RPing being submissive in more depth. He may want you to be HIS submissive, that you cannot be unless you feel submissive and submissive to him in particular. Only you know how submissive you are, or are not and no one can tell you that. Saying that he may just want you to pretend to be submissive. That is what RP is essentially pretending.If that is the case then it is not are you submissive but are you willing to pretend to be for however long this lasts. Again, only you can make that decision. This last section of your comment was the most decisive for me. This certainly does not sound like something you want to do. Your comments regarding your anxiety and the situations that bring it on would seem to be indicating that this is not an ideal way to be starting this. Do you know what the whole point of BDSM is? It is to relax and have fun all the rest is icing. You do not sound like someone who will either find it relaxing or find it fun. I understand you want to satisfy your husband but this has to be mutually consensual by both parties, you both have to want it. If you are just doing this to make life more bearable it is possible that this is not kink it is manipulation. I strongly advise both of you to seek help from a kink aware relationship counsellor as both sides can be equally represented and you can take steps to address some of the underlying issues as well.
Deleted Member Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) I wholly agree with support from a counsellor/ therapist, this is potentially very challenging to negotiate with only a few options before you both. Look in Pink Pages/ Pink Therapy for a kink friendly therapist, it'll definitely be worth it. All the best and don't forget there's always light at the end of the tunnel despite how long the tunnel is 🔥🔥🔥 Edited September 13, 2020 by Deleted Member
Pl**** Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Wow, this is a lot to unpack. 1. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable with this at all, and that's okay. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and he can either deal with that or you can go your separate ways. 2. It's really unfortunate that this has suddenly surfaced like this. I suppose it's possible this is a recent development for him, but ideally, this topic would have been broached a decade ago. It also sounds like he just wants you to jump right in, but especially if you're not comfortable with that, you may be able to dip your toes in and progress gradually from there. Dominance and submission is a spectrum, not a on/off. 3. Being submissive does not mean that you're not ultimately still in control. If you don't consent to something, it shouldn't happen, period. You can set rules and limits, and if your partner doesn't respect them, then he is the asshole. You only lose as much control as you voluntarily give up, and you can get it all back in an instant if necessary. 4. Being a dominant person in general does not mean you can't be submissive in the bedroom (though you may need the right circumstances). Every girl I've dated was dominant in their lives, relationships, and sex lives until they met me. We didn't just jump into heavy D/s from the start. It was always a gradual progression. And it wouldn't have worked if we'd tried to jump right in. They had to develop trust in me first, and discover that they love what I do. In your case, it's clear that you don't trust what your husband wants, and you don't know if you'll like it. 5. You may want to speak with a mental health professional (for both your husband and yourself). For yourself, it's completely understandable to feel the way you do, but if you're having anxiety issues in general, you might consider speaking with someone about it if you're not already (and ceasing marijuana consumption if applicable). As for your husband, I have to wonder if there's something that brought this on. Maybe this is something he's repressed for a decade, but when someone suddenly seems like a different person, it can be a red flag. Maybe it's nothing, but I don't have all the facts, so I wanted to at least address the possibility.
Deleted Member Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 5 hours ago, Newtofetishdating said: If you want to make him happy, then you should explore being submissive to satisfy his fetish. Yet her happiness is just as important and if one was to start taking a different sexual direction to make others happy then that is a quick way to actually needing therapy/councilling. I have to politely disagree with this.
Deleted Member Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 6 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: This isn't going to work. The situation is simple - this doesn't interest you so he has to decide what is more important - a sub or a wife and if the former, then it's over. I'm sure this is possibly hard for him also, but this is a reality he has to accept. 👆👆👆👆👆this.
uk**** Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 You can’t change what you feel, only how you act. If you love him enough to role play as a sub and you’re both happy with that then go for it but you can’t just “be sub” if you aren’t sub, all you can do is pretend.
Koby Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) You can't Dominate the unwilling. I think sometimes people have the belief that because you have a successful vanilla relationship it transcends naturally into a BDSM relationship. Almost like a copy and paste. But the reason you feel blindsided, is the assumption that you are submissive AND you are interested in incorporating BDSM in your relationship. It does not matter what new type of connection you want to include in your relationship, you have to start right at the beginning - with an inclusive positive conversation. Edited September 13, 2020 by Koby Spelling error
ey**** Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 for another line of thought also "I want you to be my submissive" - "I don't want to do this" That should be the end of the conversation. Because where does it go from here? I don't want to get into slippery slope fallacy but any further *** or repetition is ignoring of a boundary. If after a few weeks it becomes "OK - I will try to be submissive for you" And the Dominant here has already shown a disregard for boundaries - so sets a dangerous precedent.
St**** Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) I apologize in advance if I'm repeating what others have said. First of all, there is a massive difference between being submissive and BEING a submissive. Being SUBMISSIVE is a personality type and being A SUBMISSIVE is a role in a relationship. Based on what you've said, I'm not sure if your husband is asking you to be someone you're not or if he is trying to shake/spice things up in your sex life because it's not what it was before the kids. Don't let your anxiety take over until both of you have done some serious communicating and research. Be honest and open with each other and most importantly, LISTEN to what the other is saying. Edited September 13, 2020 by Stellina CLARIFICATION
Deleted Member Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Have a conversation and see what he want to try you may find you like some aspects of been a sub if you talk things through. It's not easy been a sub I have been in this life for 3 years and found it rather strange at first as I do have a Dom personality but actually when it comes to sex I find myself enjoying the sub life. I too myself suffer with anxiety and depression and I find it actually quite comforting to have someone else on controls when I don't know how to keep my self in controls when am in and anxious mood. It's doesn't have to be 24/7 we sometimes switch depends on moods it's just something you have to figure out with your partner how much of the sub life you are willing to try and how much of the Dom life you want to keep. Compromise and work together its all about been in a relationship you enjoy ☺️. Just have a conversation about it and be open with each other after 3 years off bottling some of the stuff up I want to try and then my other half asking me I finally opened up and he was like okay am willing to do these but not this at this time but I'll think about it ☺️ am sure you can sort and arrangement out that suits you both. X
A_Switch Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 I am assuming that he wants you submissive in bed; so perhaps it is a bit of a change to do different things. I don't see any harm trying some acts together after talking about it. I think you should be open for his envies and desires. There is nothing wrong about it. I can see that you have anxiety and perhaps that is the only thing holding you back. So it is better to address this issue too as it might be a different thing.
an**** Posted October 26, 2020 Posted October 26, 2020 I agree with the others. I have been in a ddlg relationship for over 5 years and at first we tried 24/7 however although the idea was great our circumstances really weren’t suited for it so it was just frustrating to both of us. Long story short, through lots of communication we found our sweet spot and are as happy as we can be. The key hear as the others have said is communication. Never fails. Never!!!
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