Sub inquiry

[Jay57-1962]

I recently started a friendship with a woman who later revealed to me she had a dom.  We developed strong feelings for each other but her Dom won’t allow her to have a relationship outside of theirs.  Even though he is married to someone else.  Should I stop seeing her? Or should I maintain a relationship in hopes of her wanting me more?

[ey****]

there's nothing to stop you respecting this boundary and remaining friends. 

[gibo94]

If you are only interested in a relationship beyond friendship then it may be best to move on. If I was you and I wanted more or nothing, I would inform her that I will be moving on and that if she wants to have more she needs to decide what she wants.

[typhoon2]

The fact that she didn't mention the Dom until later raises a red flag. On the one hand it infers ambivalence towards her Dom, which may give you a chance, but one also wonders what else she's hiding.

[Wo****]

7 hours ago, Jay57-1962 said:

I recently started a friendship with a woman who later revealed to me she had a dom.  We developed strong feelings for each other but her Dom won’t allow her to have a relationship outside of theirs.  Even though he is married to someone else.  Should I stop seeing her? Or should I maintain a relationship in hopes of her wanting me more?

What does she want? Does she wanna stay with her Dom or be with you?

If she stays with her Dom you have to accept it. Maintain the relationship in hopes of her wanting you more.... nah.. Maintain a friendship but accept it as just that. Don't hold out for more. 

[ol****]

It is her choice. You can be friends it may never be more. No point waiting and hoping. - Sorry.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, typhoon2 said:

The fact that she didn't mention the Dom until later raises a red flag. On the one hand it infers ambivalence towards her Dom, which may give you a chance, but one also wonders what else she's hiding.

under some circumstances I'd agree.  

But.

Her relationship with her Dominant was, for the best part, nobody else's business.  Especially in a society which doesn't entirely understand our lifestyle.

For anyone here - do all of our friends know about our subs or Dominants? Would we announce it to them if we got one?   

[Sm****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

under some circumstances I'd agree.  

But.

Her relationship with her Dominant was, for the best part, nobody else's business.  Especially in a society which doesn't entirely understand our lifestyle.

For anyone here - do all of our friends know about our subs or Dominants? Would we announce it to them if we got one?   

My Dom would expect me to mention him to people not straight away but in the course of conversation. So really that's what matters. If my Dom didn't have that expectation I would probably still mention my reasons for chatting i.e. looking for friends as I wouldn't want to create false hope. Fake hope can lead to hurting feelings

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

under some circumstances I'd agree.  

But.

Her relationship with her Dominant was, for the best part, nobody else's business.  Especially in a society which doesn't entirely understand our lifestyle.

For anyone here - do all of our friends know about our subs or Dominants? Would we announce it to them if we got one?   

Yes, this. The circumstances and individual dynamics are different in each situation. If the woman in question had led the OP on and implied she was available, that is perhaps inappropriate. But people develop "strong feelings" all the time when one or another party is unavailable or it is not appropriate, and we ought never assume that somebody we take an interest in is also free.

 

Most of my friends and family aren't even aware about the last relationship I was in; that it was a DDLG relationship is irrelevant. They mostly know about my lifestyle and leanings, but no I only mention to a very select few (and then, only when it comes up) if I take a sub in a non-relationship setting. Nor would I presume that most would want to know. 

[Jay57-1962]

Thank you all for your informative responses.  I do want to sustain a friendship with her, yet I cannot help wanting more at this point.  She has discussed me with her Dom extensively, apparently.  There were some options set forth between them that they would allow me in their relationship. Mainly, I would become a pawn in their sex play as a sub. He is bisexual, I am not and not open to same sex advances.  The fact that she is advocating for my role in her life leads me to believe that our feelings are mutual.  I’m poly and I am not threatened by her Dom/sub relationship.  Has anyone went against their core values to become closer to their love interest?  

[Ar****]

7 hours ago, Jay57-1962 said:

Thank you all for your informative responses.  I do want to sustain a friendship with her, yet I cannot help wanting more at this point.  She has discussed me with her Dom extensively, apparently.  There were some options set forth between them that they would allow me in their relationship. Mainly, I would become a pawn in their sex play as a sub. He is bisexual, I am not and not open to same sex advances.  The fact that she is advocating for my role in her life leads me to believe that our feelings are mutual.  I’m poly and I am not threatened by her Dom/sub relationship.  Has anyone went against their core values to become closer to their love interest?  

I have done, and deep down the line I am still not entirely sure how I feel about it; I am not 100% comfortable, that is for sure.

 

I had a sub last year for a period of some months. I'd known her for a while, and when we started seeing each other she was in a sham [okay for some reason even after several edits the site keeps deleting and will not save that word where two people get wed here], keeping pretense up mostly for family's sake. There was no longer any bedroom activity with her husband (and he had no interest in BDSM anyway) so he had said it was okay for her to look for a play partner. Although not an ideal scenario, since permission had been given I felt it was fine to pursue the liaison. Trouble was, as soon as it became a reality, her husband changed his mind and withdrew consent for the extra-marital activity. By then it was too late though... we had fast become very close, and neither of us wanted to let go of what we had - so we didn't.

 

I rationalised it as okay by telling myself he couldn't just change his mind about what he was okay with especially if he wasn't going to step up and change/make an effort himself, plus I saw how controlling, manipulative and sometimes outright vile he could be and felt he plain did not deserve her. Still, it never quite sat right carrying on once he said it wasn't okay any more, and if he had said so only a couple of weeks earlier then I would have still considered her "off-limits" and not allowed anything to happen. 

Edited October 12, 2020 by Aranhis
Word keeps being deleted - I can't even save it here in the edit

[Jay57-1962]

2 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I have done, and deep down the line I am still not entirely sure how I feel about it; I am not 100% comfortable, that is for sure.

 

I had a sub last year for a period of some months. I'd known her for a while, and when we started seeing each other she was in a sham [okay for some reason even after several edits the site keeps deleting and will not save that word where two people get wed here], keeping pretense up mostly for family's sake. There was no longer any bedroom activity with her husband (and he had no interest in BDSM anyway) so he had said it was okay for her to look for a play partner. Although not an ideal scenario, since permission had been given I felt it was fine to pursue the liaison. Trouble was, as soon as it became a reality, her husband changed his mind and withdrew consent for the extra-marital activity. By then it was too late though... we had fast become very close, and neither of us wanted to let go of what we had - so we didn't.

 

I rationalised it as okay by telling myself he couldn't just change his mind about what he was okay with especially if he wasn't going to step up and change/make an effort himself, plus I saw how controlling, manipulative and sometimes outright vile he could be and felt he plain did not deserve her. Still, it never quite sat right carrying on once he said it wasn't okay any more, and if he had said so only a couple of weeks earlier then I would have still considered her "off-limits" and not allowed anything to happen. 

This is very close to the dynamics of my situation. Thank you very much for the feedback.  Life is fickle and it’s good to leave precarious situations well enough alone. 

[Th****]

I have gone against everything my previously held core values would have made me believe I would do.

Was it wrong in my eyes?                     Maybe, but I can live with it and so could they.

Would I do it again?                               If I felt the same and in the same situation totally I would.

Why did I?                                               We were in love. I told her Master this (who had about 3 other girls and little time for any of them, this.) I also informed him as he was putting her up for a                                                                       Temporary auction I would her and he would lose her. I advised him to show her more attention, respectfully, and not auction her off.

What happened?                                   He auctioned her off, I bought her and set her free, then I won her submission. We were together for just under a couple of years.

Was it terrible?                                      You decide.

Follow your heart it is her Dominant. She serves him and not you.

Good luck

[Me****]

@Jay57-1962

Being the terrible pirate that i am I say-

Take her.

Plunder his neglected riches.

Take her as your crew and show her some love.

 

[Deleted Member]

There has already been several great responses by wise people here so hopefully this has helped and given you some perspective on your difficult situation.
I would simply add that I know that maintaining a friendship with someone you have feelings for
is very difficult and taxing on yourself. However if you do enjoy and value your friendship with her I would say it can be done and I currently have a friend who I had feelings for in the past. She was in a rocky place with her relationship and had shown signs of being interested in me which of course made my feelings grow as part of me felt like in time we could be together. Of course I did consider the idea of distancing myself or ending the friendship aswell.
However I reached a point where I realised I was doing no one any good by hanging onto a fantasy and so decided to stop thinking about the "what if's".
I focused on the idea of her being off limits and although it was tough my romantic feelings did fade and in their place came a strong appreciation and care for her as a friend.
I can honestly say I am so glad I did that as she has been a wonderful friend and has supported me through a lot and I have done the same for her.
All in all it is your decision and unfortunately it's going to be tough either way. However i do think you shouldn't hang on and hope she decides she wants you instead I feel you should choose to remain friends as you want to be her friend or decide to step away from the situation.
Either way no one knows exactly what will happen and there may be something even better for you round the corner. Best of luck