Jealousy

[Quil]

How do I get over jealousy?

I am a new dominant in an exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive 

She asked me for permission for birthday spankings from someone she had a sexual relationship 10 years ago 

I said yes trying to be open minded but now I feel jealous

[slutpuppy99]

let her know how you feel. its a normal feeling but you did something for her.

she wanted birthday spankings. YOU let her have them.

think of it like a gift. ?

[Deleted Member]

It’s good that you’re asking how to get over it. That means you’re open to the idea that jealousy isn’t a healthy emotion. I think examining what is behind the jealousy would be helpful. Do you trust her not to take it further? Do you think she will compare with you as you’re new? And you could reframe it as suggested - a gift to her or you’re loaning out your property. Which still leaves you in the driving seat.

[gibo94]

Honestly the best way to get rid of jealousy, basically don’t allow things they will invoke it. I can understand why you agreed but it would be healthier to say to no if you didn’t want it to happen and then explain to her why

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

 That means you’re open to the idea that jealousy isn’t a healthy emotion. 

Interesting!!! Not often we don't agree,  for me jealousy is healthy and normal.... understanding it is important though,  rooted in insecurity, threat of status, self preservation,  feelings of low self worth/ lack of confidence, bad previous relationships, unhealthy current relationships.  Like anything it's a spectrum of feeling.... I've been crippled by it but the reality was I wasn't with the right people, who have been liars, cowards and manipulators.... but those experiences ***d me to grow and self examine and I've never ever been happier in my relationships as I am now.... primarily with myself       

 

   🔥🌈❤👑❤🌈🔥

 

I now manage feelings of jealousy in my relationships with open communication,  radical honesty,  transparency,  and acknowledgement of the need of my specials for reassurance and some extra attention and care when I've seen someone else.  When my darlings see others,  I trust that they will afford me the same and these are the expectations I set out at the beginning of our interactions. 

 

❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤

 

 

[Stig]

Jealousy is a natural emotion when you feel that you are not in control of the situation, you are being taken out of your comfort zone. Be honest and say how it makes you feel, if your relationship is strong, you will be able to talk it through and hopefully with an outcome that you are both happy with.

[Deleted Member]

Just say no if you are in an exclusive relationship letting them play with an ex is not really acceptable, the only time I would be happy is with mutual friends when I was there, otherwise they are just poly pretending not to be.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Firewitch said:

Interesting!!! Not often we don't agree,  for me jealousy is healthy and normal.... understanding it is important though,  rooted in insecurity, threat of status, self preservation,  feelings of low self worth/ lack of confidence, bad previous relationships, unhealthy current relationships.  Like anything it's a spectrum of feeling.... I've been crippled by it but the reality was I wasn't with the right people, who have been liars, cowards and manipulators.... but those experiences ***d me to grow and self examine and I've never ever been happier in my relationships as I am now.... primarily with myself       

 

   🔥🌈❤👑❤🌈🔥

 

I now manage feelings of jealousy in my relationships with open communication,  radical honesty,  transparency,  and acknowledgement of the need of my specials for reassurance and some extra attention and care when I've seen someone else.  When my darlings see others,  I trust that they will afford me the same and these are the expectations I set out at the beginning of our interactions. 

 

❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤

 

 

This is true we usually agree, but I find jealousy is mostly unreasonable. It is an emotion most people feel at one time or another but it’s usually a sign of something else wrong as you say yourself. And it is something we can come to terms with, if we choose to. I just don’t think the blanket approach of shutting down is helpful. The OP said yes to his partner. He’s willing to work to figure out why he feels like this and a few replies have said he should just put his foot down and say no. How is that helpful for their relationship? She isn’t having a sexual relationship with someone else, it’s a spanking. She’s not pretending to be poly.

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

This is true we usually agree, but I find jealousy is mostly unreasonable. It is an emotion most people feel at one time or another but it’s usually a sign of something else wrong as you say yourself. And it is something we can come to terms with, if we choose to. I just don’t think the blanket approach of shutting down is helpful. The OP said yes to his partner. He’s willing to work to figure out why he feels like this and a few replies have said he should just put his foot down and say no. How is that helpful for their relationship? She isn’t having a sexual relationship with someone else, it’s a spanking. She’s not pretending to be poly.

I've suffered from jealousy.... when I was first with Pirate. He reassured me it was okay to feel how I felt. It was natural. But... I could choose how I reacted to it. He reassured me that being with someone else didn't change what we had.

Then recently, I had a slight wobble over VoyagerX and Firewitch. I realised that it was because I felt out of the loop. We'd made assumptions, Pirate would always let me know what was happening, who he was seeing, who he was chatting to.... VoyagerX had been doing that but it kinda tailed off.

An example.... I wake up at 3am, flick through here, ... notice VoyagerX (who is my primary partner. I live in a studio flat in his garden) has been on at 2.30... he's not been messaging me. Is he just doing what im doing? Chatting to someone? Whatever he's doing, it's cool, it's the not knowing that gets me. So.... later in the morning, VoyagerX now just says oh I woke up, flicked through my messages, shot one off to so and so.... whatever.

 

Is jealousy bad?

I don't think it is. It's an expression of the depth of your feelings.

How you react to it is important.

With Pirate I handled my jealousy well. This time, not so well. In fact my recent wobble was the perfect demonstration of how NOT to handle it.

 

@Quil

Talk to her about how you feel. Explain why you're jealous (if you know). Ask her for reassurance. 

It's ok, and natural, to feel jealous. You can't control how you feel but you can control how you react.

 

[Deleted Member]

I’m thinking it over based on what others have said. I guess I feel that most people (particularly in the vanilla world) don’t choose how to react to jealousy. They don’t control that, they often put it on the other person and sometimes use it as a weapon to control them. I don’t think that’s right. None of us can control how we feel but as @bounty says we can control what we do with that feeling. And I very much prefer feeling compersion compared to jealousy. Feeling happy and pleased for someone I care about seems a healthier emotion but I know that not everyone can access that feeling.

[Wo****]

It's about acknowledging and accepting those negative emotions and not feeding them.

Focusing on the positives. 

A lot depends on the dynamic too. Is the relationship exclusive? Mono? Poly? Ethically non mono?

 

If jealousy is an issue then discussion is needed as to what everyone wants from the relationship.

[ol****]

It's natural to feel jealous sometimes. Not just about relationships either.  It can strike over the most mundane of things, like a friend getting a new car for example. In fact even the neighbour getting a new car (you can subsitute any item for car ).

It's what you do with the emotion that matters. There is some great advice in this thread already.

[Phoenyx]

10 hours ago, Quil said:

How do I get over jealousy?

I am a new dominant in an exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive 

She asked me for permission for birthday spankings from someone she had a sexual relationship 10 years ago 

I said yes trying to be open minded but now I feel jealous

This is a natural reaction.  The best way is to take a deep breath, and analyze the situation, rationally.  At the heart of jealousy is the *** of loss.  Is that a distinct possibility?  If not, that realization should neutralize any feelings of jealousy.

How well do you know this other person?  Often, getting to know the other person, will help you to assess whether there is a threat.  Don't confront him, though.  Just make friends, and let your insights be your guide.

Beware of emotional vampires!  Be sure that your sub isn't trying to play you against her former lover.  There are some who enjoy that kind of play.  If this is the case, then, she needs to be shown the door.

[St****]

7 hours ago, Firewitch said:

Interesting!!! Not often we don't agree,  for me jealousy is healthy and normal.... understanding it is important though,  rooted in insecurity, threat of status, self preservation,  feelings of low self worth/ lack of confidence, bad previous relationships, unhealthy current relationships.  Like anything it's a spectrum of feeling.... I've been crippled by it but the reality was I wasn't with the right people, who have been liars, cowards and manipulators.... but those experiences ***d me to grow and self examine and I've never ever been happier in my relationships as I am now.... primarily with myself       

 

It's always nice when someone else says exactly what I'm thinking/feeling and says it better than I ever could.  Thanks Fire!

[He****]

I've experienced jealousy, I used to get it a lot with my husband when we were young. It had nothing to do with what he was doing, we were in an open , my idea, and then I realised it was me. I was so insecure, I felt so unworthy, I felt a lot of things,  but every one of those feelings were mine and not caused by him. As time went by and our relationship became rock solid, and I understood and accepted where my jealousy came from , it disappeared and I've never suffered from it since. He's departed this world but I know I'll never feel that way again with the next human I'm with. Make sense? Hope so.

[Quil]

20 hours ago, slutpuppy99 said:

let her know how you feel. its a normal feeling but you did something for her.

she wanted birthday spankings. YOU let her have them.

think of it like a gift. ?

I did. It did not go well initially. She texted me. I repeatedly told her that I wanted it but that I wanted to give her that as well. She was riding that endorphin high. 5 cane strikes. I have never given her a cane. We have had little impact play so I felt insecure.

It was my decision. Initially I thought I was going to be ok but apparently I was not ready 

I should have shared these feelings later

[Quil]

20 hours ago, Curvykate said:

It’s good that you’re asking how to get over it. That means you’re open to the idea that jealousy isn’t a healthy emotion. I think examining what is behind the jealousy would be helpful. Do you trust her not to take it further? Do you think she will compare with you as you’re new? And you could reframe it as suggested - a gift to her or you’re loaning out your property. Which still leaves you in the driving seat.

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

20 hours ago, Curvykate said:

It’s good that you’re asking how to get over it. That means you’re open to the idea that jealousy isn’t a healthy emotion. I think examining what is behind the jealousy would be helpful. Do you trust her not to take it further? Do you think she will compare with you as you’re new? And you could reframe it as suggested - a gift to her or you’re loaning out your property. Which still leaves you in the driving seat.

 

7 hours ago, Hels1920 said:

I've experienced jealousy, I used to get it a lot with my husband when we were young. It had nothing to do with what he was doing, we were in an open , my idea, and then I realised it was me. I was so insecure, I felt so unworthy, I felt a lot of things,  but every one of those feelings were mine and not caused by him. As time went by and our relationship became rock solid, and I understood and accepted where my jealousy came from , it disappeared and I've never suffered from it since. He's departed this world but I know I'll never feel that way again with the next human I'm with. Make sense? Hope so.

 

[Quil]

Just now, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

Just now, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

1 minute ago, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

1 minute ago, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Quil said:

I trust her completely. She has shown me honesty and for me that is the only way I can respond.

Jealousy is unhealthy or at at least potential reactions to it 

Yes I probably compare myself unfairly to someone she turned down to dating because she is dating me

I just want to give her that release 

She does not want me to tell her what she wants. She has agreed to practice sessions but I don’t know when they will happen. She expresses interest in me doing it but it seems to me she puts me off cause I don’t have experience 

 

 

 

 

11 hours ago, Stellina said:

It's always nice when someone else says exactly what I'm thinking/feeling and says it better than I ever could.  Thanks Fire!

Totes. It’s all my insecurity. I own it. It’s just hard to move forward 

[Quil]

20 hours ago, gibo94 said:

Honestly the best way to get rid of jealousy, basically don’t allow things they will invoke it. I can understand why you agreed but it would be healthier to say to no if you didn’t want it to happen and then explain to her why

I understand now it might have been a better decision to say no. We discussed what happened. I still feel insecure about the outcome. 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Quil said:

I did. It did not go well initially. She texted me. I repeatedly told her that I wanted it but that I wanted to give her that as well. She was riding that endorphin high. 5 cane strikes. I have never given her a cane. We have had little impact play so I felt insecure.

It was my decision. Initially I thought I was going to be ok but apparently I was not ready 

I should have shared these feelings later

Ah. It does sound like you and your relationship are just not ready to open up. And as she’s the one with experience, she should have been able to recognise that. Is she actually respecting you as her dominant?

[Quil]

3 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Ah. It does sound like you and your relationship are just not ready to open up. And as she’s the one with experience, she should have been able to recognise that. Is she actually respecting you as her dominant?

It’s hard to say. She just recently suggested to learn from from the one who gave her the caning but I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Initially when we first started dating maybe and briefly after but now with no real impact play between us it’s different for me. I want to move past it and just learn. She has told me she is willing to practice now with me but has made it hard (back ***, work stress) I totally respect her but feel it is just me now

[Quil]

On 10/17/2020 at 4:16 AM, gibo94 said:

Honestly the best way to get rid of jealousy, basically don’t allow things they will invoke it. I can understand why you agreed but it would be healthier to say to no if you didn’t want it to happen and then explain to her why

I probably should have said no. I would have felt bad but not as bad as I do now

[Quil]

20 hours ago, Phoenyx said:

This is a natural reaction.  The best way is to take a deep breath, and analyze the situation, rationally.  At the heart of jealousy is the *** of loss.  Is that a distinct possibility?  If not, that realization should neutralize any feelings of jealousy.

How well do you know this other person?  Often, getting to know the other person, will help you to assess whether there is a threat.  Don't confront him, though.  Just make friends, and let your insights be your guide.

 

Beware of emotional vampires!  Be sure that your sub isn't trying to play you against her former lover.  There are some who enjoy that kind of play.  If this is the case, then, she needs to be shown the door.

I don’t think she is trying to play me against him. She has said he is no threat although he had expressed dated her a few months ago. She turned him down. I met him, He seems like a nice, but since I have not had consistent or meaningful impact play with my girl friend I feel jealous   

[Wo****]

4 minutes ago, Quil said:

I don’t think she is trying to play me against him. She has said he is no threat although he had expressed dated her a few months ago. She turned him down. I met him, He seems like a nice, but since I have not had consistent or meaningful impact play with my girl friend I feel jealous   

Tell her.....

Ask her if she and you can do some impact play.

 

[Quil]

First I just want to say thank you for all that replied to my post on jealousy 

It means a lot not to feel so alone

Some background 

I have been in an exclusive relationship with my girlfriend for close to a year now

I have opened up to my girlfriend about how this is new to me and I’m still learning. I told her I think I was vanilla shaming myself but she could not relate even when she started out in kink

We recently had some impact play sessions 

Three days in a row. One session she was in sub space 

She later apologized that she has not been in that passionate state I’ve been wanting her to be in until now. A lot of it she said was based on her last relationship and not being able to trust in general. It made me feel better since I felt we were not doing kink because of my lack of experience 

I still feel jealousy, but it’s more what I want out of the relationship and to express of myself than not trusting her

Every relationship has a different dynamic 

I understand that this is a relationship and not a one time play session 

I yearn to grow and do my best not to get caught up in her past

 

So I ask another question 

My girlfriend is a very confident, bratty submissive. She has said it’s not always easy to express what she wants in the moment. She has told me she wants me to initiate or she will just do what she wants. She deals with back *** and post surgeries so sometimes when I initiate she is not into it

I love her and think she is worth it 

I know a lot of it is patience but if there are any words of wisdom I would appreciate it:)