Getting nervous/insecure when in domme-mode

[Deleted Member]

My partner and I are both switches, but he loves it a lot when I'm the domme. I will admit I'm inexperienced. I do like being domme though, and I get turned on when I dominate. But I notice I'm just really nervous every time. I feel like I ruin it by being too much in my head.

For example I once looked up fun things we could try out with me being the domme, planned some stuff for the night, but when the time finally arrived I blanked out. I fully forgot everything I wanted to do, I went kind of awkward at times and slightly started panicking about it (which I didn't tell or show him). In the end the play ended well, but it's definitely not how it should've been. I'm happy he's being patient with me, but I *** if it keeps happening it'll kind of make the experience boring.

Does anyone share this feeling? If so did you overcome it? I'd love some tips honestly.

[John958]

Just go for it and see if your really a dom don't let him know your nervous but most of all you are always right when your in charge not him

[BaritoneSwitch]

I've been known to switch a bit and thus far, thank God, I've been relatively successful at it. I'm much more of a sub though, so I can approach it from that perspective as well.  Here are a few things that I've learned thus far that have helped me, and might help you.

1. Practice your skills on your own - I don't know what you're doing with him, but in my case I'll practice my 1 and 2 column ties and flogger hits to make sure they don't wrap. It will help you get out of your head if you can have confidence that you have the skills to do whatever you want to do

2. Don't feel the need to go fast - When you're in charge of a scene, you can take all the time in the world. Making him wait will build tension. You can take an extra few seconds between actions to see how it landed and think about what you want to do next. If he's starting to get impatient, blindfold/gag him. You're in charge, who cares!? lol

 

3. It'll be better for him if you please YOURSELF - I agree with what John said above, if you're charge, you're always right. Obviously you need to know his preferences as well as his limits. But, if he's a genuine submissive at all, he's going to have a better time if he senses that you're getting what you want and having a great time with his submission. (Lol P.S. if he reacts to that by saying "Oh, you didn't do what I wanted! You have to do what I want when you're topping!" dump his *ss!)

4. Improvise your scenes. Don't make a solid plan - Ok this one might sound a bit counter-intuitive. But in my experience, I find that my scenes go better when I don't make solid plans, go with my gut and let the scene develop organically. Things never go according to plan and I find that I start getting flustered and unsure of myself when those glitches happen. But I find that if I don't plan out and just let the scene develop according to my impulses, then any glitches can just be incorporated into the scene. Of course, you should keep daydreaming about what you want to do when you're on top. But I'd suggest thinking of those scenarios as tools you can pick and choose from in the moment rather than set-in-stone game plan.

 

Hopefully you find something use in there. In my opinion, the most important thing you can is have fun being a domme. If you're having a good time, he'll be having a good time. If you'd like to chat about it, shoot me a PM.

[ey****]

Even though you forgot all your ideas - you still had the ideas and they'll be there for another time.

One thing that's always important is discussing after any play whether it was enjoyed, what would be requested to do more or less of next time.  Anything potential to try.

But yes, obviously I can understand your emotions, that you obviously want to enjoy yourself, but also want him to enjoy himself and it sounds like it's just a case of confidence.  This will come naturally through practice.

Also, if anything does go wrong along the way, don't let it derail your confidence as everyone makes mistake.s 

[Deleted Member]

trust love, be yourself and go with the flow if he really wants you at any cost he will stay the course with you x

[oooyeahhh57]

Try this. Take his balls in your  hand and gently squeeze them in a pulsating rhythm, slowly increasing pressure. Look in his eyes and tell him he must obey, that he needs to obey. Use a confident but gently hypnotic tone. Tell him he needs the *** to unlock his pleasure. Once he starts moaning jerk his cock slowly. As things intensify tell him he must confess his deepest needs. Pick one and do it reminding him he must obey if he loves you. Control things from there.

[Deleted Member]

Improvise your dominance, if your nervous turn it into a laugh that then is humiliating for them. 

[Deleted Member]

The best advice I have had is the oposite of what you'd think.  Instead of acting hard and dominant, which sometimes feels and looks false - play. Play, be mischievous. If you have a whip, treat it like a toy. Don't try to hurt or scare him. Just play with it. Play with him as of he were a toy. Forget about the scene. Forget about dominance. Just play. 

 

It will start to feel really dominant. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Deleted Member
Make it flow better

[Gentle_Femdom]

I get blank on what I want to do during sessions too.

So I've started making flashcards of ideas. He gets excited & nervous when I pull the flashcards out because it's truly a mixed bag on what could be on the other side:

Is it something he has to do to me?

Is it a toy suggestion, using heat/cold, or using food to tease?

Is it a challenge for him not to climax while being edged?

And the anticipation that builds as he watches me read it, slowly deciding whether or not I'm in the mood for whatever is on that card... Mmm, it's deliciously devilish sometimes.

 

I agree with @TimtheMerciless that play is very important. I also agree with @BaritoneSub on the list of suggestions.

What's most important is that you try. I mean, the fact that you're reaching out for help goes a long way in proving that you're doing the right thing as a Dom.

 

The last bit of advice is to experiment. I've watched countless videos on different types of Dom/Femdoms. During sessions I've tried a few on for size. Some fit snugly, some don't fit at all. But with each new session, I'm learning more of the kind of Dom I want to be. Feedback from my partner helps immensely with this too... because knowing what was Meh and what took him too close to the edge from his POV gives me confidence that I'll do better next time (even though every time has been good/successful).