Scary stories to tell to a sub: *** in BDSM

[Deleted Member]

The thing about experience is, it can cost you a lot. When i started out exploring bdsm, i didn't know the value of knowledge, nor did i recognize any of my own value. so naturally i got hurt, i put misguided trust in monsters posing as men and i take 100% responsibility for all the damage it caused. So i submit the following cautionary tales not looking for pity, but hoping others will learn to recognize *** in a bdsm dynamic by learning from my mistakes.

Just after graduating highschool i met my first "Dom," twice my age and easily the dreamiest person i'd ever met. I kept telling myself a girl at my present weight had no business even looking at this guy because looks wise he wasn't even on my planet, let alone in a comparable league. Loneliness told me a lot of lies though. I got hooked on being sweet talked, while subconsciously knowing everything he was feeding me was garbage. I was so hungry though i couldn't see my situation for what it really was. My mentality was just keep him happy and you won't be completely alone any more. But the truth was he padding out his free time when he was bored. There was no dynamic here, and not even a basic give a damn. I mostly showed compliance through pictures which i took without threat or pressure. I didn't feel like i had any value without doing this. Entirely an issue with myself, but inserting someone in my life who was obviously only interested in their own entertainment didn't help me either. Eventually he started acting like he didn't know me until he wanted pictures again. At that point, i got strong enough to say no, but it wasn't that wasn't the last fake dom I'd see.

My long term master groomed me for a year and i was too ignorant to see that what he was doing was abusive until it was too late. It did very little good to know that responsible bdsm play was safe sane and consensual when none of those qualifiers were applied. It wasn't sane to lie to my family about where i was going when i needed to see him. It wasn't safe to be restrained by a stranger.   I didn't consent to be pierced  by someone who didn't know how to give a piercing properly. I didn't consent to getting beaten with a wire brush or burned with cigarettes. I was lucky I got to walk away even though i had a considerable about of damage when i left.

 

All my scars healed but the *** is still very much just under the surface. I love being submissive but i do still wonder if I'll get my needs met without being completely broken again. I tell my stories so that other subs know there is real danger, there is very real and life long damage to be done when you can't tell predators and play partners apart, and when you don't love yourself enough to only accept the safety and care you deserve. Your submission comes from a lot of inner strength, and it's a gift. I truly hope those who read this stay safe and know they deserve better than the kind of treatment I described. If your top is abusive or a fake they don't deserve you. Stay safe......J. 🖤

[Deleted Member]

I hesitate to add one last story because honestly I'm really ashamed that I got roped in and badly hurt a third time. I think it has to be told though because omitted i also leave out an important lesson i learned that i think needs to be shared. This last "dom" as if the first two weren't enough, taught me what happens when you allow a dom to mold you into what they want instead of either accepting what you are or just letting you be. This last one was actually pretty close to my age and at the time I thought i wanted a daddy dom, which he claimed to be. In my mid 20's at this point, I really connected to my little side, after all of the actual *** i delt with i just wanted to be nurtured and protected. This is what was offered at first along with friendship. As soon as i let my guard down it became clear that he out right lied and purposefully avoided telling me what he wanted until we were in a dynamic. I was made to feel like it wasn't important that i process anything that once i committed i had to accept what was coming and it was total misery. His fetishes were not ones I shared; he was a diaper lover which i was unendingly pressured to participate in, he was into extreme chastity, where i was actually degraded for wanting any kind of pleasure. Knife play where in he cut me in public. So close to other people that if i made the choice to fight the cops would have gotten called. And how do you explain why a guy you were dating could get that close to you with a knife. How could i not expect to look just as crazy as he did? How could i have come home to my parents escorted by the cops with knife cuts on my chest and explain that my boyfriend didn't mean to hurt me that bad? On top of that i was body shamed on a pretty much daily basis and treated like any emotions i had were irrelevant. So many things went wrong here that shouldn't have. I struggle not feeling like a total idiot still thinking about this incident. This is what happens when you play with power exchange and don't demand that a dom have accountability and common human decency. It could be an unpopular opinion but i hope not, that dom's should consider it an honor to own and protect a sub. No real dom should take their position as an opportunity to *** someone into their ideals while injuring them physically and mentally, which is nearly impossible not to do if you refuse to talk about boundaries or communicate with the intention of truly understanding your sub. Beware the dom who gives you lip service with no real compassion, beware of a dom with no concept of boundary setting, or communication skills. Hold them accountable when they are dishonest. And please above all take away this lesson, a dynamic does not obligate you to owe any dom a single damn thing if it makes you uncomfortable. And if they pressure you after you've expressed that, please understand that they don't respect you and without mutual respect at the foundation of a dynamic it will do harm to one or the both of you. 

Sorry for the long add on but i had to get all that off my chest. Love y'all, and again play safe......J🖤

[Deleted Member]

I always like to read threads like this, as for me they can be educational in some way, and for others, especially those who may be finding their feet, new to the scene, there are clear warnings. It shows courage to reveal the mistakes we may have made, and I salute you for displaying said courage 😊😊

[Carnelian2]

@ChainedJade - Don't worry about making a long post. I have been through a fair bit of self-discovery myself and I find that one major point is to get thoughts out of our heads and onto paper, as it somehow then is more concrete. The process that you are sharing also helps you deal with it, and it also importantly share the experience with others, who are either new to the scene or actually are experiencing similar things as part of a long-term relationship.

I have had my experiences, albeit not as extreme as yours - but none of it is right.

I cannot say what goes on in the head of ***rs who masquerade as Doms. It might be a belief that somehow abusive behaviour is ok, it may be a belief that, well others do it and so can I.
What they miss is the concept of consent and discussing limits as well as what goes on in our heads.

I look at D/s as any other relationship with an added element of giving up control to another person - whether I am the one in control or giving it, it does not really matter. People that do not respect this have no place in the scene, in my humble opinion.

[Deleted Member]

It’s very brave to swallow the shame you feel and admit you’ve experienced this. It’s generous to do this as a way of informing others and hopefully stop them making the same mistakes.

I hope you found writing it down cathartic. I doubt there is a single person who reads this who will judge you harshly - you were so young and you met bad men who targeted and ***d you. They should feel shame, not you.

[Ni****]

I'm very sorry to read about your experiences, which unfortunately, from my chats with more than a few submissives, is not uncommon 😞 Ds is built on trust and limits, and some men, I won't call them Doms, deliberately *** both for their gratification without any concerns for the effects on the submissive. They are nothing more than ***rs. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I hope they help other submissives avoid such abusive relationships and men.

[Ch****]

The story of Elaine O'Hara and ***r/***er Graham Dwyer come to mind. Horrific case.
Always tell your stories so others can learn 💜

[Wo****]

@ChainedJade

Can't find the words....

I've met a snake like him too. Cost me my , my relationship with my daughter. Everything.

I'm lucky that I was able to build new relationships, I'm building bridges.

 

Thank you for sharing and sending you love x

[Deleted Member]

I think you're brave to speak out Jade don't ever feel less than. Many will learn from this. Sometimes people can see your weaknesses and take advantage of it and it definitely reflects on them not you. I hope with expressing yourself you would find peace and the right Dom to treat you the way you should be.

[Deleted Member]

I'm so sorry this happened to you like this. Its not your fault, you were young and naturally all youth is naive at that age and you were charmed by a good looking guy and you went with the flow. That's not your fault. Experience comes with age. Theres was no way for you to know. This is why this is a good resource for ppl to research the basics on consent, pre-negotiations and agreement. Thank you tot sharing your experience with us it's of much value and at least you made it out ok and yes sometimes experience does come at a cost. Again thanks for sharing and cheers!

[Deleted Member]

Hi Jade, I can feel the courage it took for you to share some of your experiences. And kudos to you for using your story to help educate and empower others. Regarding the feeling of still carrying shame... it's a tough one to shake for sure, but I agree with this quote that “we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.” I think sometimes it's just that simple, and you are definitely not alone ❤️.

Edited November 20, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Su****]

This shows what a great person you are.  Must have been difficult for you to write, but you done so to help others.

Thank you for sharing :)