Sub/ Dom jealousy

[Deleted Member]

I'm a complete newbie to kink and would really appreciate advice on my situation.  

Backstory: I'm married but my husband is unable to  perform I'm the bedroom. In 8 years I've  had very little or no sexual contact with anyone. He has agreed that I can explore my sub fantasies hence me joining the site.

I have been lucky enough to actually  find a dom that I get on really well with, hes not pressured me into anything, hes listened to my concerns, the sexual chemistry is fantastic and he's generally a pretty great guy. However whilst chatting the other day he mentioned he already has a play mate  that he sees which I wasn't aware of. He said he had told me early on which I don't remember. 

I now feel kinda hurt and betrayed and I know he has done nothing wrong. I have been in monogamous relationships all my life and I just dont know how to change my mind set so this doesn't upset me. I understand the irony of me being the married one. We also haven't met yet because  of covid so again I understand it's absolutely ridiculous to feel this way but I can't help it.  

I don't know whether to walk away or just try and ignore how I feel. Any advice?  

[Deleted Member]

Jealousy isn't good. Always be open and honest with him. Communication is the key. I have been a similar situation. I am here to talk if you want to. My pm is always open.

[Deleted Member]

I get where you are coming from I'm the same way I'm the dom in my relationship and want to explore more in the kink department including having multiple partners but when I think of my sub having multiple partners I can't stand the idea but reversed I feel no problem but I do know that without my subs go ahead im not going to go and bring in a third

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, Sazzie0188 said:

I'm a complete newbie to kink and would really appreciate advice on my situation.  

Backstory: I'm married but my husband is unable to  perform I'm the bedroom. In 8 years I've  had very little or no sexual contact with anyone. He has agreed that I can explore my sub fantasies hence me joining the site.

I have been lucky enough to actually  find a dom that I get on really well with, hes not pressured me into anything, hes listened to my concerns, the sexual chemistry is fantastic and he's generally a pretty great guy. However whilst chatting the other day he mentioned he already has a play mate  that he sees which I wasn't aware of. He said he had told me early on which I don't remember. 

I now feel kinda hurt and betrayed and I know he has done nothing wrong. I have been in monogamous relationships all my life and I just dont know how to change my mind set so this doesn't upset me. I understand the irony of me being the married one. We also haven't met yet because  of covid so again I understand it's absolutely ridiculous to feel this way but I can't help it.  

I don't know whether to walk away or just try and ignore how I feel. Any advice?  

How you feel is completely understandable and natural.

Going from mono to poly can take time to explore. Jealousy is a normal reaction. Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

In the early days with LazyPirate I found my jealousy really hard. I needed a lot of reassurance that I still mattered.

I'd say stick with it, talk it over. With both men, if you can.

Feel free to message me if you like x

[Deleted Member]

Most sub prefer not sharing their Dom. But have you discussed about this issue before agreeing on the Ds relationship? Also is it a vanilla playmate or a Ds?
Discussion should always be open and clear about what you want and what he’s offering. We can see it upset you right at the beginning of your relationship. Think about what would happen few month later! A woman won’t forgot about that detail ever 😈
So have a proper talk again about this issue and see how you feel after that.

[Wo****]

7 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Most sub prefer not sharing their Dom

Not in poly relationships.

Only one of my D/s relationships was exclusive.

 

The first few times my partners played with someone else was hard but talking it over, being reassured that their dynamics with others didn't affect ours went a long way to enabling me to be happy with it.

 

@Sazzie0188 You rarely get everything you want/need from one person. Acknowledge your jealousy then let it go. Then you can celebrate what you might have found. Something special x

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Bounty said:

Not in poly relationships.

 

this is why I use "most"

But its always wise for a sub to ask if the Dom intend to have more than one sub

Edited December 15, 2020 by Deleted Member
add

[Deleted Member]

48 minutes ago, Bounty said:

How you feel is completely understandable and natural.

Going from mono to poly can take time to explore. Jealousy is a normal reaction. Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

In the early days with LazyPirate I found my jealousy really hard. I needed a lot of reassurance that I still mattered.

I'd say stick with it, talk it over. With both men, if you can.

Feel free to message me if you like x

Thank  you that's reassuring to know that I'm not being a complete weirdo x 

[Deleted Member]

47 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Most sub prefer not sharing their Dom. But have you discussed about this issue before agreeing on the Ds relationship? Also is it a vanilla playmate or a Ds?
Discussion should always be open and clear about what you want and what he’s offering. We can see it upset you right at the beginning of your relationship. Think about what would happen few month later! A woman won’t forgot about that detail ever 😈
So have a proper talk again about this issue and see how you feel after that.

Its a D's play mate. We talked about being interested in having other people join us. He made it quite clear he wasn't interested in mmf but wanted to try mff  threesome which I'm not against but I did say I wasn't up for that straight away as I'm still new and don't know what I do/don't like yet. We did talk and I still feel the same tbh. 

[Si****]

I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner sub. We spent a very long time talking about me having another sub who can for fill things my partner can’t. From talking about it we were able to set rules and expectations.

You have to pay attention to how you feel and be able to share them with your partner and Dom. It’s easier if you know that things are honest and open. Nothing should feel bad including how you feel. Your Dom needs to know how you feel if things continue.

Fortunately, my partner is bisexual so she is more than happy for me to have another female sub (as long as she also likes her). However, we have one simple rule, nothing is hidden or kept secret.

You have to decide how you want things that make you happy.

[ol****]

It sounds to me that the disclosure was probably early enough.  @Sazzie0188, you've not ruled out mff, you've just said not at the start. The point in the world of kink is say what you mean. If you mean no then you need to say no. 

As to the jealousy, its normal, you may find you are kinky but you need a mono relationship. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

[Ta****]

I cant share my Dom either and wouldn't want to   I am jealous type and would find it uncomfortable.  In fact I changed the details on my profile to reflect that.....that I didnt want anyone writing to me who already has someone, or already has their own sub.

Curiously enough, from that time onward, I have had far fewer guys responding to my profile.!!!

I find that most amusing and really quite revealing.  Many of them I bet dont even say they are in a relationship.  We must have a whole bunch of back- handed cheaters on these forums I reckon.  It's only the few who are prepared to be honest.  Lol.

 

Edited December 15, 2020 by TammyNatalia
To add more details.

[Deleted Member]

53 minutes ago, Sazzie0188 said:

Its a D's play mate. We talked about being interested in having other people join us. He made it quite clear he wasn't interested in mmf but wanted to try mff  threesome which I'm not against but I did say I wasn't up for that straight away as I'm still new and don't know what I do/don't like yet. We did talk and I still feel the same tbh. 

Being interested and act on it might be a big step for some. It’s natural. If he’s a serious experienced Dom he should know what to do and not going full on with you. Tbh he should  not even introduce  another sub before you would feel very comfortable with him, know each other well. 
while you are still in the consideration step it’s best to ask him to reconsider his position with the other sub. 
I don’t think it’s jealousy you are suffering from as you have a husband and that feeling is strongly emotional. Maybe you don’t feel confident enough and scare that you might lose him for her, or you might not be good enough. Remember it’s a Ds relationship based on bedroom only- I guess- and can’t be too complicated! 

[Wo****]

7 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Tbh he should  not even introduce  another sub before you would feel very comfortable with him, know each other well. 

No! Because then he isn't being true to who he is. Pirate was non mono when I met him. I was mono. He didn't ask me, or expect me to change nor I him. I had no idea if I could do poly, there were wobbles. Jealousy is natural. Turns out poly works for me. It's what I am but I'd have never have found out if Pirate had not been upfront about being non mono from the start.

It was a gradual thing too. I had time to process it. Decide if it was what I wanted.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment I do appreciate your input. 

@SirGreen - I guess that's the one thing that was missing,  I didn't know so we didn't have chance to talk about it properly right at the beginning and now I'm a bit lost. 

@oldfellow - MFF isn't ruled out but I don't think im ready to bite that bullet yet. I need to find my feet. 

@FabSeverus - Sorry I might have confused that a little. He hasn't asked for MFF yet but has said it is a fantasy and he wants to do it. The conversation surrounding  his playmate was separate to that. I think your right about the jealousy thing. I've not really felt attractive to a man in a long time so I guess I am feeling insecure which is probably contributing to the jealousy. I wouldn't ask him to reconsider his sub, she was here first and I don't feel that's my place as I am married that would be mighty hypocritical and as bounty said it's who he is. 

@Bounty you're right, I wouldn't want to change him then he wouldn't be the chap j like.  I guess I just need to figure out if I can adapt to poly life and be happy. I don't know the answer to that yet. 

@TammyNatalia - that's interesting about the number of messages you get reducing. I actually might do that too if I decide to walk away from him. I wouldn't want to be in the same situation again with another dom.

 

Thanks again for all the input guys, it's given me a lot to consider. I appreciate it x 

[Wo****]

9 minutes ago, Sazzie0188 said:

@Bounty you're right, I wouldn't want to change him then he wouldn't be the chap j like.  I guess I just need to figure out if I can adapt to poly life and be happy. I don't know the answer to that yet. 

Took me a year of exploring it, talking about it, practising it, to discover that I'm poly. Not everyone is. It translates as "many loves" and I do love many. There's also "ethically non monogamous" 

[ey****]

So.

One of the wonderful(?) things about kink dynamics is you get to experience emotions that might not make sense as a whole new world opens before you.

So obviously a little "how am I jealous, I'm the one with a husband here?"

Jealousy sucks. But, it's also natural.  Especially in a complex dynamic.  Raise you felt jealous, ask that you're not made to feel jealous, but also... your Dominant isn't going to be the number 1 person in your life. Your husband is.   So, accepting there will be other people in your Dominants life is a good move.  

This is also ways for the two of you to help build boundaries 

This might seem weird, but, it's natural and accepting that is a good first step. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

your Dominant isn't going to be the number 1 person in your life. Your husband is.   So, accepting there will be other people in your Dominants life is a good move. 

Wow. Thank you that makes so much sense. I didn't even think of it like that. I think I just need to work on my esteem issues and I guess maybe this could work. 

[lippy101]

It’s not ridiculous to feel the way you do trust is everything

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 06:53 PM, Sazzie0188 said:

Wow. Thank you that makes so much sense. I didn't even think of it like that. I think I just need to work on my esteem issues and I guess maybe this could work. 

I've always thought jealousy is a wonderful emotion... It's so powerful! It can tune you into what and who you really car for. It can, however, be incredibly destructive if ignored and left unchecked. Talk to your dom about it. If he's a good dom - hopefully he will nurture your ***s rather than try and swipe them away or cover them over. Understanding what makes you jealous (and what others may be jelous of you for) will allow you much more mindful connection with those around you.

[Diogenes57]

On 12/15/2020 at 6:53 PM, Sazzie0188 said:

Wow. Thank you that makes so much sense. I didn't even think of it like that. I think I just need to work on my esteem issues and I guess maybe this could work. 

I'd suggest that it is more about esteem than jealousy... From one angle, this is a man saying you're not enough to keep him satisfied... You need to choose if you can be OK with  that in terms of a predominantly physical relationship, or if you think your submission should be uniquely valued on emotional levels, or if you can balance both of those...

And there's no single right answer...

I've met women from all points on that scale who were each perfectly happy with what they found worked for them...

But if you feel that you're being nudged towards what he's OK with at the expense of what you'd prefer, then you need to take a good clear look at that and choose what's right for you.

How you submit, and how far you submit should always be your choice.