Bdsm in erotica... a dangerous example or realistic

[Ki****]

I’m reading a BDSM story and there’s a few elements that seem to set a dangerous example of what it’s supposed to be like and I wanted to know what others thought as it’s infuriating me!

The first thing that concerned me is a scene where the sub doesn’t want to do something so the Dom gets her drunk (and by this I mean he ***fully gets her to drink three glasses of wine). Then he tells her that it’s about his needs not hers and she has to do what he says or go home.

Second, the author has written in that if the sub safe words, play stops (fine) but she goes home straight away. No after care, no talking it through, no carrying on but changing what they’re doing. Just leave. That seems highly irresponsible to me but also a coercive way of stopping a sub from being comfortable using a safe word as it’s all or nothing and feels like they’re being punished for stopping something they don’t enjoy.

Lastly, he springs something she doesn’t want to do on her in a public bdsm setting and ignores her concerns - again saying her needs don’t matter because she’s a sub and that he can make her do whatever he wants (or she goes home and the relationship is over).

I try really hard to portray healthy relationships in my writing (vanilla or otherwise) so I’d be interested to know what you all thought of these points in terms of how the author in question is describing a bdsm dynamic.

[Ea****]

I just hope that is just a story and not real.  That is not a BDSM dynamic, that is the dom being a bully and selfish.  Nothing should happen that is not agreed, ever.  Not everyone needs aftercare, but it is an important part after play to make sure the other is fine and can function safely enough.

Kind regards,

Phil

[Ni****]

Sounds like it is written by someone with no real knowledge or experience of the Dom / sub dynamic - or so I hope ! Unless waived limits and safeword, Consensual play is is the key thing, and getting someone drunk to take advantage of a sub is a definite No No. If a sub used her safeword, then I would absolutely want to discuss it so as to understand why used. I would never punish a sub for using her safeword - it's there for a reason. IMO nothing in the story portrays an accurate picture of a real Dom / sub relationship, and just shows their ignorance.

[Deleted Member]

Sounds like all the wrong ways to do things. 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[Mz****]

I think it probably is a true reflection of the authors experiences, either as an observer,  being told about it anecdotally or even as a participant..or of course it could be a complete work of imagination..but if you read through some of the forum posts you'll see people talk about being in similar environments, or people escaping them, others waking up to a realisation that they're being ***d not Dommed..asking questions and informing themselves, and at the same time, you'll see pleas from people wanting, actively seeking that kind of relationship.

Its not my idea of what BDSM is or should be.

[qu****]

To play devils advocate the the trouble with stories/scenes any pre agreed situations aren't portrayed, and while many read it assuming this is the case, newbies especially won't realise it's a mutually agreed situation, which is where problems start, hope this makes sense

[Ki****]

40 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

To play devils advocate the the trouble with stories/scenes any pre agreed situations aren't portrayed, and while many read it assuming this is the case, newbies especially won't realise it's a mutually agreed situation, which is where problems start, hope this makes sense

Yes it does, the book starts before the meet so all the build up and discussions are included (and in this case it’s not a mutually agreed situation but the sub is very much coerced into it). It’s a shame because I’ve read some amazing stories that portray things really well and it can be a good way of getting newbies more interested and confident about giving the lifestyle a chance.

[Deleted Member]

I hear the concern. But I think its also to keep in mind that we are also talking about fictional fantasy. Non consent, , ect all as themes. Would a lot of situations happen in real life or be responsible, or even acceptable... no. But that's not the point.
The point is in fiction and in writing and our imaginations there are no limits... in fact pushing our limits and what is possible in our imaginations in a lot of ways is the point in such a space on a personal level.
Chalk it up to bad writing. But I don't feel a need to kink shame or police the way a lot of you all feel you have the right or obligation to do. As inaccurate or improper going so far in story or getting taken advantage of, in the minds of some is excellent smut. But hardly a guide or example for the BDSM lifestyle....

[Deleted Member]

Or to put it in more academic terms. No writer is obligated to conform or use literary realism. If a 9 foot tall alien wants to a room full of people - no complaints. If a badly written dom drops the safe word and engages in non-consent - everyone looses their fucking mind, lolololol

[typhoon2]

My biggest gripe with BDSM erotica is the apparent telepathy between the characters. The Dominant grabs the submissive by the hair and miraculously that's exactly what the sub wanted at that moment, without any outward communication at all. I have no problem with exciting fiction but I can easily imagine newcomers assuming that what's written is how things are supposed to happen.

[Deleted Member]

A lot of authors of these types of books put a disclaimer at the beginning for this very reason. This is fiction. The characters are not real, the story portrays unsafe practices and insta-love etc etc. Adults who read these stories should be able to recognize that fiction is not real, which is why it's called fiction. Non-consensual BDSM is a common fantasy, and a fictional story is a safe way to explore that fantasy. Erotica can be about BDSM in a modern setting, or a historical setting, or fantasy, have sexy space aliens or pirates or vampires or whatever the author has imagined. In fact the Gorean books that a lot of D/s "protocol" was based on are FICTION. BDSM, D/s, slave-play is PLAY. It's living out a fantasy. Even if it's a lifestyle D/s relationship, both parties have consented to live that way and it's still a fantasy. Submissive people are not really slaves. ABDL players are not really toddlers. Puppy players are not really dogs. Pony players are not really horses. Kink is a way for all of us to live out our fantasies and sexual perversions in safe, sane, consensual, legal ways, and in that sense, it's a safe place for us. But fantasy is still fantasy. Fiction is fiction. Fiction has always been a way for us to explore imaginary things, for the very reason that they can't exist in reality. We can look to fiction for ideas on how we want to pretend to be, whether that's in a D/s relationship or playing a part on a stage. Anyone who is looking at a work of fiction as a guidebook for how to behave in real life is a misguided individual who needs to gain some maturity, and perhaps should refrain from adult-themed play until they can distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality. I agree that the story you're referencing sounds like it's not a good example of a healthy, safe sane D/s relationship. But it doesn't have to be, as it is FICTION, not a how-to book. Let's allow fiction to be fiction, and not look to fiction to teach us how to live our real, grown-up lives.

[ey****]

I often feel a few mixed thoughts, but...

In a lot of fiction (TV shows, movies, books) there are bad examples and bad practice.

But this is also true for real life.  We criticise the fiction media if it's not a perfect example of what things "are like" but really we're criticising for them not being how we should think they should be like (even if we're right!) because there's a lot of bad practice happens.

Sometimes, of course, I feel a lot of this should be addressed, of course.  But there's plenty of bad practice in our own lifestyles and communities.

[ey****]

I guess, for example, one of the good things about 50 Shades... is it's awfulness got people talking about consent and best practices.  

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess, for example, one of the good things about 50 Shades... is it's awfulness got people talking about consent and best practices.  

That is an important point about getting discussions around consent - which ever method and good practice

[d6****]

When writing my novella, I did the complete opposite to this. I showed my Dominant character to be firm yet caring. Everything you have described sounds like a red flag to me and this Dominant should not be doing anything until he learns how to properly treat his Submissive. Based on what you have said, this author has no understanding of what BDSM is.

[Hollie]

The story you describe is not BDSM, it’s ***. All three examples are of toxic behaviour. The sub should get the hell out and not look back.

[Deleted Member]

It's the whole 50shades bolox everywhere. Sets such a dangerous precedent. And worst than a newbie sub thinking this is all ok based on their fantisical reading there are doms who have bottomed on and are totally abusing their victims. We can only thank the kink gods for sites like these, where topics get discussed and raised and the community is there to support them.

[Foxter]

For some people, (and iv had submissive like this) they do like to fantasizse about being used like this. It's part of a CNC , r*pe, gaslightling kinks. It's actually more common than you think. Especially with subs who enjoy TPE. So it could be bring that fantasy to life for them.

Of course yes, if this was a real story it would be very horrible indeed. But people write about all sorts of things, it doesn't necessarily mean they would do it or dont know it's wrong.