Ruining my goddess kink

[Bank82]

I have been a Dom many times because I really enjoyed it and was really good at it. I always tried to stay on my subs limits but tried to push it a little more every time. Anyway I’ve always wanted to be a sub to see what it’s like. I think it would be nice to have no control over anything. Like some subs there was no limit and it always turned me on when I thought of someone doing it to me. With that being said I have tried about 7 goddess/ mistress and every one of them just want either tribute or *** and seemed to be all it was about. I did it because I enjoyed it with no charge Is there anywhere I can go to find the same in a goddess because I’m about to give up. Could even maybe have a relationship with one but I can’t enjoy it when I know for them it’s all about the ***.

[Deleted Member]

Fetlife you will have a local community

[Wo****]

It's not all about the *** for all of us. Not for me anyway. I represent the Goddess and it's about worship and mutual honour.

[ey****]

This scenario comes up often and it's very important to understand the missing pieces here and why you're having a difficult time.

A lot depends what you mean by "tried" and where.   Because disregarding that some you may have contacted would either by catfish/scammers - there's also some who work Professionally... and even disregarding those.

To not want to paraphrase there's not much flattering about getting a DM from a stranger going "I fancy trying being a submissive sometime", you'll not have been the first to send that message recently.

Your previous experience as a Dom might also, in some cases, lead some to think you may one day wish to Dominate them which is something off the cards.

One of the general problems I feel men have, and this isn't just in F/m - but in this case, it often seems like it's about fetishes or experiences first, the person second.  Which often means some are treat in an anyone-will-do kinda way.  For women it's more about the person.  Which tends to mean you're going to need to make rapport first.

This is pretty difficult online, it is possible to build passive connections, for sure, but it's going to be via interacting on forums in chat rooms, replying to Tweets, etc. and posting things others would want to interact with you about.

The easiest way again is in person, at munches and events - but that remember again people aren't sitting around waiting for the latest guy who wants to try being submissive - but making friends and building trust is a good way for someone to be a bit "yeah, you're cool - I'll at least play with you sometime"

[Si****]

Unfortunately, like most things in life the best ones get snapped up fast. Good Dom/mes will already be in a D/s relationship so you will have to either wait and hope or accept that you will have to share.

Just my opinion, but many people have the mindset that you only get out what you put in. If you wish to serve a Mistress/Master they will expect some level of commitment. There are many ways for a sub to show their commitment but contributing to the relationship financially is one way some do this. Also consider if the financial aspect of the payment goes towards the relationship such as toys, equipment etc. I personally like my subs to dress a particular way. Do I pay for this or make them pay for it? I have had one sub who loved one item used in play that no other sub has been interested in, should i this item that no one else would enjoy or use or have them contribute toward buying but they get to keep this item as theirs?

Isn’t that why they are either called ProDoms or lifestyle Doms? One is in it for the ***, the other is they do it as its just their nature and they love it. Its about asking the question early on to identify which one they are.

Edited December 26, 2020 by SirGreen

[Ni****]

From chatting regularly with a mistress friend, who doesn't want tributes, the common theme with male submissives who contact her are that they are all about satisfying "their" kink or fantasy with no real thought about what she wants from a submissive. There are many mistresses and dommes who are looking for a submissive and who don't expect or want tribute on here, but how you approach them is key.....

[Wo****]

1 minute ago, MyMaster said:

From chatting regularly with a mistress friend, who doesn't want tributes, the common theme with male submissives who contact her are that they are all about satisfying "their" kink or fantasy with no real thought about what she wants from a submissive. There are many mistresses and dommes who are looking for a submissive and who don't expect or want tribute on here, but how you approach them is key.....

Spot on!

 

I'm exploring my dominance and get messages from male submissives telling me what they want me to do them.

I've seen one... one (young) male sub who "got it" ... that it's about serving, worshipping, honouring, whatever the Mistress/Goddess wants.

 

It's honouring the feminine divine.

[qu****]

Ultimately it comes down to what type of relationship you're looking for, in general if it's just a Dom/sub occassionaly meeting for play you're more likely to contribute to toys/clothing, especially if they're only to be used with you, but in FLR it's more like a "vanilla" relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend, where you may receive things as gifts. But at the end of a day is paying for toys/clothing any different to buying jewellery/CDs/DVDs for someone, or taking them out to dinner

[ey****]

1 hour ago, MyMaster said:

From chatting regularly with a mistress friend, who doesn't want tributes, the common theme with male submissives who contact her are that they are all about satisfying "their" kink or fantasy with no real thought about what she wants from a submissive. There are many mistresses and dommes who are looking for a submissive and who don't expect or want tribute on here, but how you approach them is key.....

That's ultimately the thing

And most can't do better than "well I like doing activity x and so do you" but, yes, but why would I like doing activity x *with you*

 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, SirGreen said:

Just my opinion, but many people have the mindset that you only get out what you put in. If you wish to serve a Mistress/Master they will expect some level of commitment.

I totally agree.  And, this is often a problem that occurs that - well - I know Mistresses who've taken on subs who "wanted to try" and they often very quickly find it's not for them after a lot of time and emotional effort has been put into them.

[Deleted Member]

This may be a little philosophical for boxing day chill time but here are my thoughts...

Perhaps as a male dom you will be looking at this through your own gender/position glasses. It's a fantasy I've always had too and have only ever found one domme who really hit the spot; my first. I started as a sub and she allowed me to explore myself as I grew. I quickly realised how much I loved getting to hold her whip from time to time and just how much of a sadist I was at heart. Knowing how it feels to recieve makes me better at giving. It's s good way to learn but a little old school these days.

The dom and domme roles are not necessarily the interchangeable with a gender twist, but often very different things all together. I see this a lot in D/S portrayals in porn. Mainly because they play to what the audience wants to see... the difference is that a good dom or domme should be giving their subs what they need based on their subs needs - which often doesn't correlate to the doms own fantasies or their own needs. I liken this to lesbian porn for straight guys - often very different to lesbian love making privately.

I believe the only solution is to develop your trust. Through honest discussion and negotiation and also reflection with your playmates. Once you begin to understand eachothers needs, whatever they are, and also to reflect on how meeting these will affect your dynamic, for good or maybe for bad, will truly start to grow and explore deeper aspects of your kinks and sexuality.

It's all about the dance!

[Phoenyx]

I don't know if this is related, or totally off-topic.  But, it seems that the Lady Dominas rarely even speak to the Male Doms.  I have known a couple exceptions.  Again though, they are rare.  I enjoy conversing with folks in The Scene---even those that I will never see as potential playmates.  Yet, the lady Dommes avoid me, as if I had Covid or something.  Do most Male Doms feel the same way about the women?  My particular dominance comes by nature---I was born with it.  So, I have no gender-based ego to bruise.  It seems a shame that I can only hear about dominant philosophies from a male perspective.

[helenOfToy]

Finding a Domme takes time. In a year of searching I've met scanners, time wasters and games players. I have also met a few genuine people with whom it just didn't work out. As others have rightly said, good Dommes get snapped quickly and are outnumbered 100 to 1 by subs. They can afford to be choosy and expect the best. All you can do is be patient and wait until fate sends you your match.

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, Phoenyx said:

But, it seems that the Lady Dominas rarely even speak to the Male Doms

One of the big problems is that - and this isn't obviously a universal statement, but, most female Dominants have an experience of male Dominants that is usually that the male Dominant will treat them like a sub, or, very much try to say "you just haven't found the right Dominant" or see them as a challenge or simply have this image in their head that all women are really submissive and the ones who say they're Dominant are merely just pretending in order to appease male subs fantasies. (these are male Dominants that also tend to look down on male submissives also)

And obviously this isn't meant as a sweeping or universal statement but I think it's sometimes a situation some have found themselves in once too often so there's generally little motivation to interact. 

[Bo****]

32 minutes ago, Phoenyx said:

I don't know if this is related, or totally off-topic.  But, it seems that the Lady Dominas rarely even speak to the Male Doms.  I have known a couple exceptions.  Again though, they are rare.  I enjoy conversing with folks in The Scene---even those that I will never see as potential playmates.  Yet, the lady Dommes avoid me, as if I had Covid or something.  Do most Male Doms feel the same way about the women?  My particular dominance comes by nature---I was born with it.  So, I have no gender-based ego to bruise.  It seems a shame that I can only hear about dominant philosophies from a male perspective.

I think a lot of female Dommes have been burnt by too many guys who say “I’m not going to try to convince you that you should be a sub” and then do exactly that. It’s a shame, because we end up siloing a lot of useful information.

[Bo****]

As a previous poster said, check out Fetlife. It’s a community site as opposed to a dating site and so you get a very different mindset.

On sites like FET and Kinkoo, a majority of the women (but by no means all) seem to be overseas-based women (or possibly men) who see horny, sexual guys as marks.

Traditional dating sites would never put up with that, but I’m starting to believe that kink sites put up with it because otherwise the male/female ratio would be 95/5%.

[Wo****]

22 hours ago, Bank82 said:

I have been a Dom many times because I really enjoyed it and was really good at it. I always tried to stay on my subs limits but tried to push it a little more every time. Anyway I’ve always wanted to be a sub to see what it’s like. I think it would be nice to have no control over anything. Like some subs there was no limit and it always turned me on when I thought of someone doing it to me. With that being said I have tried about 7 goddess/ mistress and every one of them just want either tribute or *** and seemed to be all it was about. I did it because I enjoyed it with no charge Is there anywhere I can go to find the same in a goddess because I’m about to give up. Could even maybe have a relationship with one but I can’t enjoy it when I know for them it’s all about the ***.

One of the many things that Fen does for me, to me, is honour the goddess within. He serves me, worships me with respect and love. He does it with his warrior spirit, as a protector, lover, mentor and friend. 

Whether it be his relish in which he slurps from me or the way he scrubs my back it's done with deference. He does it because he appreciates the goddess within and wishes to serve rather than because it may get him sex.  It's not about his needs and wants, it's about mine for him.

 

 

[Bank82]

Thanks you all for the advice

[Phoenyx]

23 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

One of the big problems is that - and this isn't obviously a universal statement, but, most female Dominants have an experience of male Dominants that is usually that the male Dominant will treat them like a sub, or, very much try to say "you just haven't found the right Dominant" or see them as a challenge or simply have this image in their head that all women are really submissive and the ones who say they're Dominant are merely just pretending in order to appease male subs fantasies. (these are male Dominants that also tend to look down on male submissives also)

You are right, that many Lady Dommes have likely encountered too many guys, who think that all women should be submissive.  There is also a contingent among the ladies, who think that all men should be submissive to them.  It does work both ways.  The more skilled D-types though (on both sides of the aisle) are able to read people, and decipher their intentions.  They only cut-off contact, once the exchange has become tiresome.

My main frustration comes from trying to contact Lady Dommes in my area, in search of information on any kind of local "scene" (gatherings, munches, fetish events, etc).  D-types tend to know more about local events, and may even be the organizers.  Though I clearly state my intentions, I still get ignored.

Much has been said, about the attitudes and insecurities that permeate the kink community.  Yet, such insecurities actually pale in comparison, to those that I have encountered in the so-called "tech community!"

Edited December 27, 2020 by Phoenyx

[Mz****]

On 12/26/2020 at 4:15 PM, Phoenyx said:

I don't know if this is related, or totally off-topic.  But, it seems that the Lady Dominas rarely even speak to the Male Doms.  I have known a couple exceptions.  Again though, they are rare.  I enjoy conversing with folks in The Scene---even those that I will never see as potential playmates.  Yet, the lady Dommes avoid me, as if I had Covid or something.  Do most Male Doms feel the same way about the women?  My particular dominance comes by nature---I was born with it.  So, I have no gender-based ego to bruise.  It seems a shame that I can only hear about dominant philosophies from a male perspective.

I think you're just unfortunate in where your going to talk to them,  I talk to other Dommes almost every day, and to Doms too.

Theres a common misconception that all D types are squabbling or fighting over subs, or our position in the community, or even whose most popular on a website, we're not..quite the opposite in fact, we talk and share advice, opinions and experiences, be that about our dynamics, tools, or anything else..we look out for one another on this site for example, in the same way a lot of the s types do and support each other in the exact same ways..its unfortunate that hasn't been your experience. 

@Bank82 I can only speak for myself but I have no desire to be an experiment for A/anyone whatever their role, if you want to try something just once, you'll most likely..given events are all cancelled for the foreseeable..have to pay a Professional, assuming they're still working, I cant imagine us lifestylers are going to be tripping over ourselves in delighted anticipation of servicing your needs and ignoring our own.

[LA****]

I just want a dominant to want to use me for me not my ***. No tribute from me till I know that. A leader I will follow!