‘Are You a True Sub?’ and Other Questions - A Newbie’s Reaction to Toxic Rhetoric and Manipulative Language around Submission

[ol****]

A very good and well reasoned post.

Sadly those who most need to read it will be the ones least likely to do so.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, oldfellow said:

A very good and well reasoned post.

Sadly those who most need to read it will be the ones least likely to do so.

Thank you. I agree.

edit: Sadly, even when they do, it often fails to make an impact ⬇️

Edited December 30, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Skylark-6911]

16 hours ago, MyMaster said:

Messages and "Doms" like this are common, unfortunately, and only shows their lack of understanding of submissiveness. Yes you are a submissive, but any potential Dom has to earn your submission to them, not demand or expect it.

100% agree... I sometimes think I'm losing my mind... Nice to know its not always like this. 

[kikmozz666]

Try and not see the bad in men straight away. You go through msgs looking for your red flags. Get to know the person behind the screen a little. People can be too judgemental ASAP. A lot of Dom”s will test you online. It’s just the way it is. Like I have said to you. Maybe a local munch is your way forward 😁 have fun in your journey. X

[Deleted Member]

28 minutes ago, kikmozz666 said:

Try and not see the bad in men straight away. You go through msgs looking for your red flags. Get to know the person behind the screen a little. People can be too judgemental ASAP. A lot of Dom”s will test you online. It’s just the way it is. Like I have said to you. Maybe a local munch is your way forward 😁 have fun in your journey. X

You assume I see the bad in men before the good. You assume I go looking for red flags. You assume I don’t get to know people before I judge them. 

Yep. I’m the judgemental one here. 

Of course doms will test, but don’t for a second imagine subs won’t test them right back. You seem to have missed the memo about subs having the final word. 

People reveal themselves so quickly when they are messaging those they believe themselves to be dominant over. There is no need to go searching for the bad or the red flags. It sits there in the inbox plain as day. I told you I can recognise manipulation when I see it. 

[ol****]

It's been said before. A real dom has no need to assert him or herself when mesaging somebody.

Here is my two cents worth:

Start an actual conversation (D or s can do this IMHO), show that you've taken the time to, at least, read the profile. Maybe invite the person you message to read yours.  Accept, with good grace, any "thanks but no thanks" message you get.

If you start to correspond, then you can think about how to move the potential relatonship on, maybe you can both check each other out a little more and test for any sort of possible compatibility?

[Deleted Member]

Nail on the head, a brilliant piece 😊

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, Primal*** said:

Nail on the head, a brilliant piece 😊

Thank you.

[Phoenyx]

21 hours ago, FtMSIRx said:

But I think the key most Doms/Masters completely lose sight if is this : What you are going to find out is that the Master actually has the more complicated role between the two. The master also has the task of giving pleasure and discipline to the slave or sub, and is less focused on taking pleasure himself. A great deal of what you do as a Master will be for the benefit of a sub. You must derive pleasure from giving, and have a great desire to please a partner, and not simply take what you want.

I was preparing to write much the same thing.  Still, it bears repeating.  Of course, it is not always the case, that the Dom has lost sight.  More often that not, it is lack of experience---the Dom has yet to gain that insight.  The Lady Dominas too---everyone makes novice mistakes.

The major key though, is not to take a lack-of-submission personally.  Too many Dom/mes do---hence the need for this thread.  Submissives are looking for specific qualities.  Such desires differ with every person.  Typically, it is a quality that makes one feel weak inside---in a pleasant way.  Still, the sub may feel so overwhelmed, that they back-away or get defensive, out of ***.  It may take time to build the needed trust.  Or, it could simply be the case, that a particular Dom does not have the qualities that the sub is seeking.  That doesn't mean that another sub won't be attracted to that Dom/me.

Of course, in this online world, there is also the problem of practical circumstances.  Physical distance and the need to travel, is likely at the top of this list.  I am sure that many here, have felt the *** of a relationship sabotaged by a 10-our drive, or excessive plane/train fares, or the need to take one or two days from work, just to have a single, brief evening with a partner.  But then, this may be a good topic for another thread.

The message though, is not to take any of this personally.  Just be patient and be yourself.  Those two qualities alone, will make a Dom more desirable.  There can be countless reasons for rejection---none of them meant personally.  Or, if a rejection is personal, it may be time to review your approach.

[Deleted Member]

On 12/29/2020 at 2:00 PM, Lockfairy said:

‘Are you a true sub?’

‘You don’t sound very submissive to me.’

You hit the nail on the head. I’m not very submissive to YOU! This may well mean you don’t sound very dominant to me. I may not be so impolite, though, as your dom-ness may be too fragile to take it. 

I’m sure, in fact, I know, there are many strong-minded, opinionated women on this site who are also submissive. They’re not submissive to anybody and everybody who turns up calling themselves a dom - they’re submissive to the Dom who can dominate them.

 

You made so much sense. When someone barges into my inbox with an instruction and doesn’t know the first thing about me.... I don’t feel submissive, I feel extremely disappointed. 
 

I also get told ‘this is a kink site’ when I don’t want to engage in cyber sex, which I just don’t... and a ‘maybe you’re on the wrong kind of site’ 

well isn’t that for me to decide? 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Deleted Member
Couldn’t operate reply function adequately

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Messedup79 said:

 

You made so much sense. When someone barges into my inbox with an instruction and doesn’t know the first thing about me.... I don’t feel submissive, I feel extremely disappointed. 
 

I also get told ‘this is a kink site’ when I don’t want to engage in cyber sex, which I just don’t... and a ‘maybe you’re on the wrong kind of site’ 

well isn’t that for me to decide? 

It’s the people who try to bully you into doing something you don’t want who are on the wrong site, not you.

[Deleted Member]

On 12/29/2020 at 5:11 PM, MyMaster said:

Messages and "Doms" like this are common, unfortunately, and only shows their lack of understanding of submissiveness. Yes you are a submissive, but any potential Dom has to earn your submission to them, not demand or expect it.

I think it’s because these messages are now so common it sees a lot of new subs question themselves and waiver on whether they have got it wrong and actually they need to comply.

especialyy when they are new and learning themselves and haven’t yet built on their strengths perhaps leaving some a little off guard. 

I have lots of messages as the ones you mention. And I probably have wavered around at some points. 

Ive also managed to grow and understand that some people have mistaken my confidence and growth  to protect my gift as arrogance where as someone that fits my opinions  and values see it as a great asset and admire me for it and some drawn to it . 

Keep strong to who you are ! Not everyone will see eye to eye and your correct with 

On 12/29/2020 at 11:13 PM, Curvykate said:

You hit the nail on the head. I’m not very submissive to YOU! This may well mean you don’t sound very dominant to me. I may not be so impolite, though, as your dom-ness may be too fragile to take it. 

And this exactly in my opinion is someone that is very egotistical.... so may I throw a question out there ....

Those of us that do not give these replies to these Doms ( I know we do it because we are polite and what is the need to upset anyone... if you don’t match just pass on by) but are we missing a opportunity to help them grow ? We are stroking their egos by letting them think their opinions are the only true correct opinions, perhaps a well worded reply would help them reflect and open to go away and look into something’s in-depth and either still feel the same or think actually there may be other avenues.

the above is just thoughts and questions I would like to look into not actually act upon 

[Deleted Member]

Excellent post....really spot on. X

[Deleted Member]

On 12/30/2020 at 10:28 AM, Lockfairy said:

You assume I see the bad in men before the good. You assume I go looking for red flags. You assume I don’t get to know people before I judge them. 

Yep. I’m the judgemental one here. 

Of course doms will test, but don’t for a second imagine subs won’t test them right back. You seem to have missed the memo about subs having the final word. 

People reveal themselves so quickly when they are messaging those they believe themselves to be dominant over. There is no need to go searching for the bad or the red flags. It sits there in the inbox plain as day. I told you I can recognise manipulation when I see it. 

Absolutely perfect response imho

[Deleted Member]

Fabulous read xx

[Deleted Member]

On 12/29/2020 at 2:00 PM, Lockfairy said:

If you can’t respect a woman and treat her as an individual, you’re on a hiding to nothing from the start.

You are absolutely right here, this is basic. You only become a submissive when both parties had an agreement on a Ds relationship. So you can’t be a fake sub or a true sub before unless assumed/presumed and we all know that’s not a good attitude. 
I noticed there is more and more a struggle between the two parties during communication, even me I had faced some quick overreactions from women assuming I was on something and been very defensive straight away. Not only on this site but others. It’s a shame that because they had bad experiences, they can’t relaxed and be themselves enjoying a normal conversation. This become a toxic situation and maybe this is why some men don’t want to waste too much time and go straight to the question rather than trying to know the individual before the sub. Sometime it works, some women want to be a sub straight away, changing Doms every weeks 🤷‍♂️
 

[DevilsDoLL]

I would like to add to this if I may... it isn’t only that D/S dynamic it’s the entire Fet / kink community... men and women come in with preconceptions about what they want and demand .. they forget on the other side of the equation are also other people who have those same needs wants and demands.. The other problem I have found is a lot of people think this is a Game ( mind game only) or fantasy hook up site... lol yeas everything eventually hopefully will turn up kink and fantasy.. please just remember that you are dealing with real life people, real life emotions, real time interaction and the words you say do Cary weight well into your future life and endeavors... this community can be very large or small depending on the person and communication style.. please remember compassion goes further than ***.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, DevilsDoLL said:

The other problem I have found is a lot of people think this is a Game

Yes, this is when a total misunderstanding arise as some think it’s a game-could be- and other a lifestyle. I was surprise to hear this site is advertised on fb and Reddit or different social platform?! No wander so many new profile growing like mushroom and stay there in the dark because they were just curious about it but don’t interact or get further. Fb?!! Do they realised the biggest data collector and social creator now got their name associated with a fetish site 🤷‍♂️😂

[Mim1666]

On 12/29/2020 at 6:05 PM, Lorali said:

This is brilliant! I made my profile about a year ago but bottled out. Now I'm back and like doing a lot of reading and asking about my new sub side. Already I've been called a fake 😞, and that was from a "Dom" who wanted me to prove who I was and my submission. Thank you for eloquently putting in to words whats been in my head for years 🥰

Have had the same experince on another site.  I wont bow down and submit just because they want me to, especially when I have never met them.  I won't do cam and expose just because they want me to prove to them that I can submit.  Cam submission is not for me.  I know I have my submission side, I know what I want and if that's not for them then I would rather they say.  I also know my age gap I want (what has to fit into my current life and circumstances) and it seems to be those who do not know how to be a Dom or the Younger ones because your not willing to let them get their leg over.  

[Jaguar54]

On 12/29/2020 at 6:05 PM, Lorali said:

This is brilliant! I made my profile about a year ago but bottled out. Now I'm back and like doing a lot of reading and asking about my new sub side. Already I've been called a fake 😞, and that was from a "Dom" who wanted me to prove who I was and my submission. Thank you for eloquently putting in to words whats been in my head for years 🥰

There is only one version of a 'True' anything, and that is the Dom or sub are true to themselves and not some false narrative trotted out in an attempt to cajole others to fit a template. We are all individuals.

[Luna_princess]

I'm new to the lifestyle and have been told I'm not a 'true sub' or recently I live in a fantasy. This does make you question yourself. I know who I am and what I'm looking for. I've been asked what I'm in to, but I can only give an idea of what I'd like to start with because I've not experienced anything. It's like I'm repeating myself as some Doms just don't seem to understand.

[Lenore]

Our submission is a gift to be EARNED!

[John54]

If people are quibbling about the true-ness of you sub-ness I suggest you're better off being a true YOU, whatever that is, rather than fretting about leaping high enough to clear other people's hurdles

[lolli-leigh]

Imo anyone using the term true sub or Dom for that matter is using manipulation techniques to get what they want . As @John54, points put be your true self

[VoodooQueen_]

December 29, 2020, Rossco said:

I think “true sub” just means wether you are only interested in being submissive other than switch where you like to be dominant sometimes ?

For me, I have been messaged by many guys in the past who have turned out to be masochists / bottoms / kinksters / fetishists. They didn't have an ounce of submission in them. To me, a 'true sub' (I've never used that term) is someone with an innate need to submit (to the person / people they are interested in submitting to).