Questions regarding proper discipline

[DevotedLittleSub]

So I had a question in regards to proper discipline. I suffer from punishments either coming across as funishments or as too extreme. I had an incident where my dominant knew about this and knew about some past traumatic experiences of being abandoned, so they decided to punish me by releasing me to teach me a lesson. She has been rather upset that I haven't seemed to learn anything and have fallen to pieces. Her friend who has been trying to help me some also seems to think I should be able to learn in this mindset I am in. I am not sure as am still rather inexperienced to the kink lifestyle and have mostly explored it online. Part of me questions if this was a proper punishment as is the stance of the dominant and her friend or if it went too far. Thanks for your help in helping me to understand this.

[qu****]

You learn together, whether one or both have experience,or not as the case maybe, just because you happen to be sub you should still be respected and receive understanding, talking is the only answer not releasing you to teach you a lesson, I question whether she is a Dom or just playing at this role, all Dom's I've chatted with all say respect, understanding and care is the starting point, then growing the relationship together

[Mike_22]

The comment above is true. The 3 pillars in this lifestyle is honesty, communication and trust. I believe that punishments should also remember these. The most I would do as a punishment is no communication for a little while and that’s only a really bad punishment... I think you should sit down with them and talk about what is and isn’t okay with punishments.

[qu****]

The other thing is is the Dom's friend just a friend or wanting to Dom you as well? I ask this as if just a friend she/he shouldn't really be involved in punishments, it's your Dom's and your decision to agree upon, you can, and must, say no and be respected for it

[Deleted Member]

When including trauma past or inducing them in the dynamic, the Dom must be sure, confident, competent and absolutely 100% how to deal with it. This is not a game and could have serious repercussions on the sub. Either with trust or psychological issues. In your case I am a bit concerned you fall into pieces.... it’s time to pause your Dynamic and have a proper talk again about what you are looking for in this D/s relationship.

[qu****]

Simply put if they don't respect known issues/limits and show no care then I think you need to move on, difficult I know but necessary for your health and well being

[DevotedLittleSub]

Thank you for all of the advice. It has given me much to think about. As for the friend of my dominant, she has a relationship with the dominant that is like a ***. She is dominant as well and has commented in the past to my dominant about wishing she could have found a submissive like me. 

[Wo****]

3 minutes ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

Thank you for all of the advice. It has given me much to think about. As for the friend of my dominant, she has a relationship with the dominant that is like a ***. She is dominant as well and has commented in the past to my dominant about wishing she could have found a submissive like me. 

That'd be a red flag for me.

A "submissive like you"??

This punishment.... you have trauma issues around abandonment and your Dom used that as a punishment? And why is your Dom asking others, it should be something you discuss together.

[Mz****]

15 hours ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

"So I had a question in regards to proper discipline. I suffer from punishments either coming across as funishments or as too extreme. I had an incident where my dominant knew about this and knew about some past traumatic experiences of being abandoned, so they decided to punish me by releasing me to teach me a lesson. "

Personally I always balk when I see dismissal used as a punishment, in my opinion, and it is only mine, its a cop out from the D..occasionally I have used a time out on the naughty step, but within my line of sight, and with paper and pen to write about why they're there..so they have to think about whatever bad behaviour has landed them there in the first place, then we discuss whats been written, so they learn something.

15 hours ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

She has been rather upset that I haven't seemed to learn anything and have fallen to pieces.

Her friend who has been trying to help me some also seems to think I should be able to learn in this mindset I am in. I am not sure as am still rather inexperienced to the kink lifestyle and have mostly explored it online. Part of me questions if this was a proper punishment as is the stance of the dominant and her friend or if it went too far. Thanks for your help in helping me to understand this.

How can she, or her friend, expect you to learn anything when there's no guidance, or leadership, no nurturing or education, she's winging it, and it shows a lack of both experience and empathy from both of them..if repeating the same things is getting no results its like your being set up to fail in a continuous loop..potential punishments should have been discussed when you were discussing limits, relationship goals, likes, kinks and everything else that matters..and with your abandonment issues, releasing you as punishment is irresponsible and cruel.

It feels to me, from what you've said that these two women are at best wannabes using you to experiment with..and at worst, dangerous to your mental health and potentially your physical wellbeing too, being as you hint at extremes..my advice, for what it's worth, walk away, spend more time researching what you want, and need, would like to explore, and find a real Domme, and not someone playing at it.

 

[DevotedLittleSub]

They have a sort of family dynamic, and I have also been talking to them since the Domme has gone silent on me online. She has been trying to help me understand the Domme's perspective and relaying information to them as well, sort of like a middleman at this point. As for the "submissive like me" they were referencing about my loyalty and obedience and the like since the friend was having trouble finding a sub and was admiring me.

[DevotedLittleSub]

So I was asked to input some backstory as to what happened because they feel it will alter the reactions received here. My Domme and myself are in a poly relationship. Some months back she took back a sub that had left her, one that I was against her taking back because of the harm she caused not only to my Domme but also to myself. In the end, she decided to take the sub back in. I had assumed that the sub would not last and would have bolted, but was still around after all the months that passed. My Domme was going through a bit and needed space, and unlike the previous times, she went so far as to lash out at me threatening to abandon me if I could not curb my neediness for her during that time. I was in a bit of a panicked mindset because of this threat and figured if I could get close again with this one submissive, it would make her happy seeing us getting along. To do that though I needed to vent some of my frustrations on the sub. I took steps to make sure I did not take things too far with the other submissive and while I was venting, everything that I did to her were things that she had enjoyed me doing in the past. When my Domme found out what I was doing, she got upset and released me then as my punishment, though it was not meant to be a permanent release even though she told me to run back to my previous Domme or another Dom. 

[Wo****]

11 minutes ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

Some months back she took back a sub that had left her, one that I was against her taking back because of the harm she caused not only to my Domme but also to myself

That's not good.

"To do that though I needed to vent some of my frustrations on the sub. I took steps to make sure I did not take things too far with the other submissive and while I was venting, everything that I did to her were things that she had enjoyed me doing in the past."

You should never vent your frustrations through play.

[Deleted Member]

I am really perplexed about this kind of relationship have anything to do with bdsm! 
there is something odd if not unhealthy about this set up. 
sorry to raise my concern.... 

[DevotedLittleSub]

Looking back at it, yeah, probably not the best idea. I was panicked and was not thinking straight. Not denying I probably deserved some form of discipline. They had just asked me to include this since they felt that it was important to know this, even though my question was not about if I deserved punishment but if the punishment was too extreme.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

my question was not about if I deserved punishment but if the punishment was too extreme.

Only you can answer that question. What limits have you set up for yourself ? 
It’s considered extreme when one can’t take it anymore or the level reach the limits. 
the question is what path have you chosen into this? 
bdsm is not about punishment? If someone only react to or for punishment, the dynamic change to self *** or using someone else to ***. And it’s not healthy at all.
Unless you are masochist and then have a knowledge and sense to the *** inflicted, your relationship is based on *** and bullying tactic. 

[Wo****]

8 minutes ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

Looking back at it, yeah, probably not the best idea. I was panicked and was not thinking straight. Not denying I probably deserved some form of discipline. They had just asked me to include this since they felt that it was important to know this, even though my question was not about if I deserved punishment but if the punishment was too extreme.

You have to ask if it's too extreme so my answer is yes i think it is. The important question you should be asking is do you think it was too extreme?

[Mz****]

Poly relationship dynamics aren't something I'm qualified to speak to, being a more monogamous person myself, but, I do know that whatever dynamics are in play, in whatever type of relationship, that if one, or more of those involved in it aren't in agreement, or don't feel the same way, its a recipe for disaster..taking back a sub, specifically against what you wanted wasn't the right thing to do in my view, but your taking out your frustration on the other sub, also wasn't the right thing to do, its not their fault, did they consent to your venting? Why weren't either of the Dommes present, or did they encourage your behaviour then punish you for it, communication, honest, open, communication could have saved you A/all a lot of trouble. 

[DevotedLittleSub]

5 minutes ago, MzJax said:

did they consent to your venting? 

I did not ask and I admit that was wrong of me, but I was not thinking clearly in my panicked mindset at the time.

 

[Mz****]

8 minutes ago, DevotedLittleSub said:

I did not ask and I admit that was wrong of me, but I was not thinking clearly in my panicked mindset at the time.

 

The mishandling of the situation by the Domme triggered your reaction, her abandonment of you being that trigger, which is the perfect example of why neither limits or triggers should ever be used as punishments, and why aftercare is so important. .however, as you know, the way you reacted is not cool and is technically ***, abusing someone, whether under the influence of ***, alcohol, or a panicked state, is absolutely no excuse..ultimately you are responsible for your own behaviour, however provoked you felt, however much of a fugue you were in.

It may be in your best interests to speak to a mental health professional about all of your issues, particularly anger management and abandonment, I'm surprised your Domme hasn't suggested it..sounds like she could maybe use some herself if she's still as you say "going through a bit" , as a responsible Dominant she should want you healthy, mind, body and soul.

[qu****]

I still feel you should move on, and try to get your head straight before finding someone else, try to work out exactly what you're looking for, as things are it's not fair in anyone, whoever is to blame